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MIL has told me on the phone that now she is never alone. The sibling and spouse have arranged their schedules so someone is always with her. (I didn't do that.) They wait on her hand and foot, making all her meals, something I also did not do. It was quite clear that MIL LOVES this attention. (Unfortunately, she also mentioned how small their house is and that she doesn't have a tv in her room like she did in my house... Too bad, since otherwise I think she would love to stay there.)
OP complained about MIL hanging around the kitchen. At 92 it is not that easy to cook or put a meal together especially under "supervision". Is it really a big effort to make a sandwich, add some fruit/vegetables and a drink or heat up left overs?
She may be hanging around the kitchen because it's too hard to walk back and forth while asking for something to eat. You can put some snack food and a tea kettle in her room without waiting on her. The cold shoulder treatment obviously isn't working because she can't pull that off at dinner with her husband present.
OP here. Yes. This is correct. The siblings do not know that MIL will not be moving back to my house. My husband said he is going to discuss that with them prior to his talk with MIL. I don't know how it will be received. The siblings have all invited MIL to live with them. However, I wonder if when it comes down to it, they will find their lives inconvenienced more than they had anticipated.
MIL has told me on the phone that now she is never alone. The sibling and spouse have arranged their schedules so someone is always with her. (I didn't do that.) They wait on her hand and foot, making all her meals, something I also did not do. It was quite clear that MIL LOVES this attention. (Unfortunately, she also mentioned how small their house is and that she doesn't have a tv in her room like she did in my house... Too bad, since otherwise I think she would love to stay there.)
I suspect that the sibling is doing all this (never leaving MIL alone, waiting on her) since they believe this arrangement is temporary. Once they know otherwise, they will realize how their lives will be impacted until MIL dies or is so incapacitated so as to need assisted living.)
Also, my husband truly is a good, good man. I have no doubt he will be breaking the news to her in the near future. There is no deception going on there. I suspect he wants to tell her she can stay for a month this fall so as to lessen the likelihood that her feelings won't be hurt since although she wouldn't be living with us permanently, she would feel welcome to come for an extended visit.
He wants to break the news to her in person (and not over the phone or through the siblings) since he feels that is the right thing to do and a conversation he believes should be done face-to-face. I can't disagree with that.
And, no, MIL does not come from a foreign country where the culture dictates she live with family as she ages.
When is her trip scheduled to end?
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Originally Posted by BoSox 15
The husband may be a nice guy but he is doing nobody any favors with the "I'm going to wait and tell her in person" stuff.
We can all agree that this is a sensitive discussion that needs to be had, but how long is he going to wait? If I'm the other family members, I'm upset that you sent her there, knowing all along that she was not coming back. They need to adjust (heck even agree) to this new living situation.
He may be "nice" but leaving family in the dark until a week before they think she's leaving is not nice, at all. He should already be out there discussing it with his mother and planning the transition.
Agree. He really should have warned the siblings that she may not be coming back. He probably thinks they've offered to host her so it's ok.
Agree. He really should have warned the siblings that she may not be coming back. He probably thinks they've offered to host her so it's ok.
That's not how it's done. She is being dumped there by surprise, and it is a mean thing to do to the sibling. I would be beside myself if this was sprung on me with no warning, plans or preparation. Oh by the way, mom's staying.
But with dysfunctional families, who knows, maybe they won't react like most of us would, maybe they will be fine with it. Sounds like a lot of tip-toeing around mom and no one really driving the bus. OP is collateral damage.
That's not how it's done. She is being dumped there by surprise, and it is a mean thing to do to the sibling. I would be beside myself if this was sprung on me with no warning, plans or preparation. Oh by the way, mom's staying.
But with dysfunctional families, who knows, maybe they won't react like most of us would, maybe they will be fine with it. Sounds like a lot of tip-toeing around mom and no one really driving the bus. OP is collateral damage.
This EXACTLY. It's nothing personal, she's just caught in the web of a dysfunctional family.
MIL seems to be happy in her present residence although who knows if she is just getting in her digs at OP. Personally I would choose to take her at her word and move forward with living arrangements.
Since the siblings have repeatedly asked her to stay previously and she is now being supposedly doted on, I agree a discussion about future living arrangements should have been made shortly after her arrival and certainly by now. Everyone deserves adjustment time and OP should not be the fall guy in this situation.
If the present living arrangements do not work out, assisted living needs to be looked into as MIL evidently cannot live alone. That discussion involves location and costs involved which takes time and planning, not to mention waiting lists.
Concerning the gossiping to other family members, that is completely unacceptable in my book. That is unfair to teenagers who have the right of confidentiality in their own home and that also goes for OP and her husband. I hope this turns out well for you, OP.
MIL seems to be happy in her present residence although who knows if she is just getting in her digs at OP. Personally I would choose to take her at her word and move forward with living arrangements.
Since the siblings have repeatedly asked her to stay previously and she is now being supposedly doted on, I agree a discussion about future living arrangements should have been made shortly after her arrival and certainly by now. Everyone deserves adjustment time and OP should not be the fall guy in this situation.
If the present living arrangements do not work out, assisted living needs to be looked into as MIL evidently cannot live alone. That discussion involves location and costs involved which takes time and planning, not to mention waiting lists.
Concerning the gossiping to other family members, that is completely unacceptable in my book. That is unfair to teenagers who have the right of confidentiality in their own home and that also goes for OP and her husband. I hope this turns out well for you, OP.
Thanks for bringing this up. I had forgotten about it.
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Originally Posted by cyork
OP here. I've been thinking the past few days about something else that never would have occurred to me prior to MIL moving in.
Having her here, sometimes sitting quietly, but listening to all of our conversations was almost like having a spy of sorts living here in my house. It struck me as mildly off-putting knowing that MIL was privy to the normal happenings of our household (bad/good) of which she can (and did) share with the extended family.
I don't know if I can quite put my thoughts into words. There are certain situations and conversations that occur within the sanctity of one's home that are not necessarily terrible but are ones that most people wouldn't voluntarily choose to share with their extended family.
An example might be a discussion with our teenager who might have earned a less than stellar grade on an exam or who didn't do his/her share of household chores. (These specific things did not happen, but I'm using them as an example to share my point.) Or perhaps the teenager was having a bad day and talked back to me in a slightly rude manner.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't tell my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, husband's nieces, nephews and cousins about my daughter's bad grade on an exam or her failure to empty the dishwasher. However, I noticed that MIL would often sit at the table listening quietly to our semi-private conversations and later pass along the stories to the extended family in casual phone conversations.
I suppose I could have said, "MIL, do not share anything you hear about our children with the rest of the family when you talk to them on the phone." However, this would have been uncomfortable since it's hard to define what is okay to share and what isn't. I mean, it isn't like I am talking about my children stealing neighborhood cars...the real life situations were more subtle and innocuous, but not things I would ordinarily want repeated to the extended family.
I suppose I also could have had all these conversations with my children in another room, but it's not always convenient to do so, and sometimes situations just pop-up that I didn't think would lead to my MIL hearing something I wouldn't want her to pass along.
It got to the point that I felt like I had a spy living with us who may not have been joining in a conversation but who was listening and filing away observations about our household to share with people later on. It was an odd feeling and made me feel like I had to watch everything I said and did. I didn't like it, and I'm glad I no longer feel uncomfortable about the goings on of the Real World in my own home.
Can anyone relate to this?
Pretty $hitty of her to do that, no matter what she was repeating, even if it was something as minor as not emptying the dishwasher. What happens in your house should stay in your house.
From reading your post, it sounds like you didn't discuss it with her. Did you tell your hub that she was doing it?
If that was my MIL in my house, I would have handled it one of 2 ways. I would have said something to her when she got off the phone and depending on what she just repeated; I would have interrupted her phone conversation, telling her I needed her real quick and to call SIL (or whoever she was speaking to) back. I would have let her know right then and there how unacceptable it is that she's repeating things she hears about your kids, etc to someone else. Depending on what she repeated would dictate the tone of my voice and whether I said please or not.
If she was repeating something about the kids while the kids were within earshot; I surely would have told her to call the person back then would tell her she doesn't repeat anything; even better if the kid she was talking about could hear me telling her that. My kid would know I had their back from this visitor in our house.
If she did it again, she would get warned that the next time it happened would be the last; she'd have to find other living arrangements, she would be gone. I surely would let my hub know what happened with the kids being in on the conversation if she was repeating something about them. I'd suggest he have a conversation with his mother about how she lives here now and this is how it is because he can't have his wife and kids being uncomfortable in their own house. If he didn't speak to her, I'd let him know that the kids and I were leaving for a few days unless it was during a school week; I'd tell him that he and his mother can get a hotel room for a few nights.
By the way, this can be very damaging for the kids. I doubt they'll ever forget it. It pushes my buttons because my mother did it to my friends and I. If my friend Deb was venting about our friend Ann's son, my mother would tell Ann which caused hard feelings. My mother was always "stabbing someone in the back" with conversations that shouldn't have been repeated. My friends and I felt so violated. It's not some little thing to blow off.
I am sure your husband is a good guy in many ways. BUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SIBLINGS AND MOTHER ARE DYSFUNCTIONAL. Oh my gosh, I can't believe that none of them has had a round table, sit down talk about how to handle Mom's increasing needs.
And no, I agree with you - don't sell your home and get one with a guest house or MIL wing - that's unreasonable in my opinion. Like you said, she is in her 90s. She may only actually live in that space for a year. And good luck keeping her "in that space."
I hate to be so blunt, but your husband has got to simply get his head around the concept that HIS MOTHER DOESN'T GET TO CALL THE SHOTS when SHE is the one needing help, and needing to move in with someone. Oh my gosh.
And no, no one should have to leave their own house regularly to get some peace. Your home should be your oasis of peace.
Right. At an advanced age, you don't understand how your physical mobility might be impaired, your medical needs, your cognition slowing, etc. You can't see it objectively. We have that going on where I work, they're trying to call the shots yet aren't able to see the factual picture of it.
I wouldn't have dealt w/ at like OP I can tell you that! My MIL came for short periods and it was difficult. She would play the "poor old woman" a lot and many know how to play their children. They've done it their whole lives. How you feel around someone is an indication of what's going on. If you feel sick to your stomach or you want to run and hide, it's telling you something!
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That's not how it's done. She is being dumped there by surprise, and it is a mean thing to do to the sibling. I would be beside myself if this was sprung on me with no warning, plans or preparation. Oh by the way, mom's staying. 
