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On the other hand, they took her in and did so for several months so far. They made her feel wanted. As she had mentioned before, several families had offered to have her stay. There may be some resentment that she was not welcome in the previous home and given opportunities to keep her occupied during the day until her son came home.
If you're going to set boundaries in the home for privacy, there should be some additional TVs, microwaves, etc. so she can live independently in her own area.
On the other hand, they took her in and did so for several months so far. They made her feel wanted. As she had mentioned before, several families had offered to have her stay. There may be some resentment that she was not welcome in the previous home and given opportunities to keep her occupied during the day until her son came home.
If you're going to set boundaries in the home for privacy, there should be some additional TVs, microwaves, etc. so she can live independently in her own area.
I am pretty sure that the OP mentioned that they encouraged the MIL to attend the Senior Center, do community activities and do things with her friends and she refused.
Also, I believe that the MIL had her own TV in her own bedroom, but she preferred to watch TV in the living room. I recall that the MIL decided to give up her afternoon nap/quiet time in her room so that she could hang around the main part of the house.
That does not seem to me that the OP wasn't "giving her opportunities to keep her occupied during the day".
Your husband is very selfish, i think you need to have a serious talk with him. The MIL dont want to live with the other siblings but we cant do all what we want in life.
On the other hand, they took her in and did so for several months so far. They made her feel wanted. As she had mentioned before, several families had offered to have her stay. There may be some resentment that she was not welcome in the previous home and given opportunities to keep her occupied during the day until her son came home.
If you're going to set boundaries in the home for privacy, there should be some additional TVs, microwaves, etc. so she can live independently in her own area.
I agree with you in certain respects. Yes, I have considered that the siblings are mad that MIL could sense that I was uncomfortable having her in our home.
However, it clearly wasn't bad enough for MIL to voluntarily go to Nevada to live with her other children. In fact, she did not want to even go to visit. She ended up there because we did not give her a choice.
There's also the fact that I am the daughter-in-law, NOT the daughter or the son. She knew when she moved in that my husband works long hours and she would be here with me all day, someone MIL knew was upset to have her here even before she moved in.
And I have to say, I told MIL before she moved in that I was concerned she would be lonely and bored here. She replied, "I don't expect you to entertain me." I asked her to go to the senior center many times, and she refused. So if she wasn't occupied during the day, was it really my duty to entertain her? After all, this wasn't a guest who was just staying for a few days. She was here forever. Until she died or went to assisted living.
Also, it wasn't as if I never engaged her in conversation or painted her nails, or helped her shower, or did her laundry, or helped her with computer issues or stayed by her side for HOURS whenever she went to the ER or visited with her for HOURS everyday when she was in rehab for two months a couple years ago. I'm not a monster. I just did not want to have the role as her playmate and entertainer. We had spent so much time together by the time she left that there were no more words to be said.
As far as setting boundaries in the home, that never happened. I mentioned to her once that I was used to being alone, and she said she couldn't stay in her room all the time. Obviously, nobody expected that.
However, due to my disability, the only place I could escape from her during the day was to my bedroom. Why couldn't she have made the same gesture for me and spent a little more time in her room to allow me to be in my own kitchen and living room without her constant presence?
She had a tv in her room, her own bathroom and every possible comfort. We went to great effort to make it homey and cosy for her with the most comfortable chair we could find. We moved out all of the items we previously had in the room and closet to make space for her own furniture and personal items. I even told my husband when we were moving her in that she could have the master bedroom and bathroom. He declined, which was probably for the best.
I did what I could to make it easy for her to help herself as much as possible. I offered to get another microwave that could be placed lower on the counter to make it easier for her to use. She refused. I also offered to get another tiny fridge (dorm size) to be placed next to the kitchen table so she wouldn't have to walk across the room in the kitchen. She refused. She complained constantly about the temperature in the house... too hot...too cold. I offered to set up a portable Ac/heater in her room so she could maintain the room to her preferred temperature. She refused stating there wasn't room for it in there (????). I offered to set up a portable heater by her chair in the kitchen in the winter so she could be more comfortable without me sweltering. She refused. What more could I do?
I am pretty sure that the OP mentioned that they encouraged the MIL to attend the Senior Center, do community activities and do things with her friends and she refused.
Also, I believe that the MIL had her own TV in her own bedroom, but she preferred to watch TV in the living room. I recall that the MIL decided to give up her afternoon nap/quiet time in her room so that she could hang around the main part of the house.
That does not seem to me that the OP wasn't "giving her opportunities to keep her occupied during the day".
She said 90+ year old MIL needed to make her own friends. Be realistic.
Never saw anything that said that she was watching MILfor fall risk.
MIL hung out by the kitchen a lot. So there is the lack of privacy for entertaining guests in living room or having chats over the dining room table.
MIL did bring over her own things.
Main thing is that the issues should've been discussed in the open with the guest. Not adult to glare, avoid, or ignore in your own house. If you've already discussed it with her and you've gotten to this point, your husband needed to step in and help you. 1 year seems to be plenty of time to get things right and for MIL to move on.
I agree with you in certain respects. Yes, I have considered that the siblings are mad that MIL could sense that I was uncomfortable having her in our home.
However, it clearly wasn't bad enough for MIL to voluntarily go to Nevada to live with her other children. In fact, she did not want to even go to visit. She ended up there because we did not give her a choice.
There's also the fact that I am the daughter-in-law, NOT the daughter or the son. She knew when she moved in that my husband works long hours and she would be here with me all day, someone MIL knew was upset to have her here even before she moved in.
And I have to say, I told MIL before she moved in that I was concerned she would be lonely and bored here. She replied, "I don't expect you to entertain me." I asked her to go to the senior center many times, and she refused. So if she wasn't occupied during the day, was it really my duty to entertain her? After all, this wasn't a guest who was just staying for a few days. She was here forever. Until she died or went to assisted living.
Also, it wasn't as if I never engaged her in conversation or painted her nails, or helped her shower, or did her laundry, or helped her with computer issues or stayed by her side for HOURS whenever she went to the ER or visited with her for HOURS everyday when she was in rehab for two months a couple years ago. I'm not a monster. I just did not want to have the role as her playmate and entertainer. We had spent so much time together by the time she left that there were no more words to be said.
As far as setting boundaries in the home, that never happened. I mentioned to her once that I was used to being alone, and she said she couldn't stay in her room all the time. Obviously, nobody expected that.
However, due to my disability, the only place I could escape from her during the day was to my bedroom. Why couldn't she have made the same gesture for me and spent a little more time in her room to allow me to be in my own kitchen and living room without her constant presence?
She had a tv in her room, her own bathroom and every possible comfort. We went to great effort to make it homey and cosy for her with the most comfortable chair we could find. We moved out all of the items we previously had in the room and closet to make space for her own furniture and personal items. I even told my husband when we were moving her in that she could have the master bedroom and bathroom. He declined, which was probably for the best.
I did what I could to make it easy for her to help herself as much as possible. I offered to get another microwave that could be placed lower on the counter to make it easier for her to use. She refused. I also offered to get another tiny fridge (dorm size) to be placed next to the table so she wouldn't have to walk across the room in the kitchen. She refused. What more could I do?
I think you did more than what could be expected. Your husband could have and should have done more.
She said 90+ year old MIL needed to make her own friends. Be realistic.
Never saw anything that said that she was watching MILfor fall risk.
MIL hung out by the kitchen a lot. So there is the lack of privacy for entertaining guests in living room or having chats over the dining room table.
MIL did bring over her own things.
Main thing is that the issues should've been discussed in the open with the guest. Not adult to glare, avoid, or ignore in your own house. 1 year seems to be plenty of time to get things right and for MIL to move on.
If mil needed to be watched all the time for fall risk, she should have been in a place set up for fall prevention where she could be monitored round the clock.
I don’t know why you want to keep kicking the OP when she is already feeling really bad about it.
I totally understand the poster's issues. i am the DinL and would not be able to tolerate my 87 year old mother in law for more than a day or so. She is extremely passive aggressive, does not involve herself in attempted conversations unless they are about her needs, pouts, complains and worst of all worries about everything. A sneeze is the flu, a cramp is a horrible illness, and on and on.
She is a sweet old lady but I do not deal well with her and even with that will take her on girl vacations and am the one that stays with her at the ER, hospital and doctor visits. I make sure she has clothes, food, etc.
Her son just waits until she says something and she is good at making us guess what she needs so many things are overlooked. Did I say that both times she ended up in the hospital, she did not call us or have anyone call us. Sigh.
I am at least glad that she is 20 minutes away and not 12 hours. We can watch out for things in our weekly grocery visits. But she is not moving into our home at any time. She did not move her mother in with her either.
Many posters have given great support and I agree that you should not feel guilty. You have your home, your family, your marriage and your health to consider. I have a caregiver in my family who developed an illness brought on by stress that she will deal with for the rest of her life, so I sympathize.
Unfortunately, problems were created by miscommunications at the very beginning and end of this situation, which happens in real life. You tried to tell your husband you were uncomfortable with MIL moving in and he, in turn, did not take your concerns seriously. I am sure that everyone has given in to something and then regretted it - that’s only human.
You were really taken advantage of by the other siblings as basically they lived their lives and ignored (or didn’t care) that yours was disrupted. To top it off, this was not even your mother - she is theirs.
It would have been helpful if everyone had agreed upfront that Mom will live will us for 1 year and then move to the next sibling’s home so there was no surprise.
I would hold off on a note until the holidays as another poster suggested - let things cool off. Definitely see your therapist to talk this through if that would be helpful.
Frankly, I think the siblings will become very aware of the situation you lived with in the coming weeks and months. Let them walk in your shoes. I would not be surprised if an assisted living situation is proposed before another year goes by.
To the OP, you've done your part and taken care of your MIL for a year.
It's time for your hubs to stop dumping his guilt off on you and have his other siblings take care of his mother.
Absolutely NO WAY I'd let her move back in for another month. Talk about uncomfortable.
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