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OP, I hate to say it but it sounds like you are right back to square 1. I agree with you - "something" is going to happen and your MIL will be right back in your house living there and the situation is going to be the same as it was before unless YOU put your foot down with YOUR husband in YOUR house.
I know this is hard but the fact that your husband refuses to take time off work to entertain his mother while she's "visiting" for ten days is very telling. Also, I agree with others who doubt the truthfulness of his claim that he is going to tell her "when he gets there." My gosh, our MIL has been gone now for how many months and NO ONE has told her that she is no longer living with y'all?
Yes it is. Guess he doesn’t want to be bothered. I already peeked to the end but I’m reading everything. Very fascinating post.
OP thank you for the update. I am so glad things seem to be working out well and I wish you continued good luck and blessings. You deserve a happy, peaceful life - everyone does. Your MIL and husband were frankly inconsiderate of your feelings in your own home. I don't think your husband intentionally set out to hurt you, but he has some codependency issues to work through with his mom, and I think you got caught in the middle.
And it's good that the other kids get a chance to step up and get more involved.
Please continue to keep us posted. And I agree with others who say that you should not feel guilty and I am glad you are getting past that.
Many posters have given great support and I agree that you should not feel guilty. You have your home, your family, your marriage and your health to consider. I have a caregiver in my family who developed an illness brought on by stress that she will deal with for the rest of her life, so I sympathize.
Unfortunately, problems were created by miscommunications at the very beginning and end of this situation, which happens in real life. You tried to tell your husband you were uncomfortable with MIL moving in and he, in turn, did not take your concerns seriously. I am sure that everyone has given in to something and then regretted it - that’s only human.
You were really taken advantage of by the other siblings as basically they lived their lives and ignored (or didn’t care) that yours was disrupted. To top it off, this was not even your mother - she is theirs.
It would have been helpful if everyone had agreed upfront that Mom will live will us for 1 year and then move to the next sibling’s home so there was no surprise.
I would hold off on a note until the holidays as another poster suggested - let things cool off. Definitely see your therapist to talk this through if that would be helpful.
Frankly, I think the siblings will become very aware of the situation you lived with in the coming weeks and months. Let them walk in your shoes. I would not be surprised if an assisted living situation is proposed before another year goes by.
Yes, I think them giving her the cold shoulder since they realized they now have the responsibility is total BS.
They know MIL is a handful and they were fine with it when they thought it was only for the summer. Well it’s their turn now.
The OP has not posted in a long time. I hope she is doing well now, and that MIL has been permanently settled elsewhere.
I think some posters are seeing things through their own experiences, and frankly are being overly argumentative. The threads in the caregiving sub forum are meant to be helpful and supportive. I hate to see a thread descend into argument, but I especially hate it in Caregiving.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
I have a lot of respect for the OP. She gave it a shot for a year. Many people won't even do that. I respect her also for admitting to the world that she was not cut out for it. Many people aren't. It takes courage to admit that because of the negative blowback.
I agree, about two or three posters on here are really pieces of work. They seem to take delight in beating up on the OP and being sarcastic and nasty.
OP back again for another update. I'm starting to let some of my guilt wash away.
Something that has really helped was to realize that MIL made a choice when she moved into my house. She chose herself and what she wanted over my happiness. Prior to moving in, she told my husband (her son) that she "knew Cate (me) didn't want her to move in." However, she did so anyway.
She looked at her options:
Option A) Move in with with one of her other children. They all invited her to live with them, and they were sincere in their offers. MIL finds them "annoying" and doesn't like their "small" homes.
Option B) Move in with Cate (me) and favorite son. Gets to live in the "big" house where she will have her own bathroom and a large bedroom for most of her things. But...is quite aware that I will be unhappy. She knows this PRIOR to her moving in.
Essentially, MIL made her priority her own wants (big house, living with favorite child) despite knowing I would not be happy. Pretty selfish, in my opinion. That realization helped a lot in alleviating some of my guilt.
And to the poster above (the one who suggested I have social anxiety ) who said she hopes I pay to move MIL's things out to Nevada, we did. My husband rented a small moving truck and drove all her items out to her.
MIL rarely speaks with me now on her own initiative. I've called her several times, but she never reciprocates. That's really okay, although I wish her happiness and peace and a continued relationship with my husband (her son) and my children.
OP, just wondering if your MIL has been disrespectful to you in the past to where you resented her, but buried it for the sake of the relationship? Then living with her brought the resentment to the surface? You said you have a visceral negative reaction to her so just wondering what the root of that was.
I'm happy that you have worked through this and have found peace!
OP, just wondering if your MIL has been disrespectful to you in the past to where you resented her, but buried it for the sake of the relationship? Then living with her brought the resentment to the surface? You said you have a visceral negative reaction to her so just wondering what the root of that was.
I'm happy that you have worked through this and have found peace!
The root cause was that the OP told her hub no before the MIL moved in; it quickly went bad when MIL wouldn't leave and instead parked herself at OP's kitchen table. She also gossiped to the hubs relatives about things that happened in OP's house
Cyork, I am happy for you that your MIL moved on to another of her children’s homes. You hosted her in your home for a full year so it was definitely time for others to step up.
Do you hear any feedback about your MIL and how the other families have adjusted? Is she staying in one home or circulating to another?
Don’t worry about her not initiating contact with you. I get along with my MIL but DH is the one who always talks with her on the phone.
If she is being cold on purpose, let her stew - her problem, not yours. I wonder if you ever received a sincere thanks for the year she lived with you.
Thanks for bumping the thread. An update would be nice
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) who said she hopes I pay to move MIL's things out to Nevada, we did. My husband rented a small moving truck and drove all her items out to her.
