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Take yourself away for the weekend, go to a spa hotel or just somewhere to be alone & read, watch tv, or do whatever it is you enjoy, by yourself. Your hubby needs to step up to the plate. hugs
Do you have a sibling you can go stay with for a few days?
Last edited by evening sun; 03-27-2019 at 01:43 PM..
Perhaps the family needs to move Mom to Assisted Living, where she can find a friend or two, and have activities to choose to do or not do. I also think she needs some sort of rehab, if she has trouble moving around in her walker.
What I am hearing is that Mom needs social activity, but OP needs quiet and privacy.
I suspect family wants their mother’s estate after her death, and they are trying to preserve it. IMO they need to place her.
OP, you can insist they make a change. INSIST. Get away for a week or two if you can to make your point. Or leave for a long weekend, and let your spouse deal solely with his mother. Do whatever you can to make your point.
Unfortunately, MIL has very little money saved. Any assisted living placement will be on our dime once her very meager savings has been used. Oh, and MIL announced today that she hasn't been sleeping well at night lately. She believes if she cuts out her afternoon nap she will sleep better. I look forward to her going into her room every afternoon for a couple hours. This was not the news I needed today.
I appreciate all of your kind and understanding comments. As BrassTacksGal and Shamrock4 mentioned, I keep asking my husband why what I want (her to go to the other children's homes for a few months) is less important than what she wants (to stay in my home). Rationally, I understand that it's hard for someone in their 90s travel and that she may find the other children "annoying." However, why am I the only person to have to put up with inconvenience and discomfort?
HistoryFan, my children are in their upper teens. I want to set a good example for them to be kind and respectful to their elderly relatives. However, I have learned from this experience that I will never, ever burden my children and their spouses with me living with them. Never.
Sillbran, I have asked MIL to go to the local senior center, but she refused Said she isn't interested in "that" anymore. I think she's just old and tired, and it's hard for her to move with her walker from Point A to Point B. That, of course, just makes me feel even more terrible that I have such resentment for such a frail, little old lady...
Shamrock, I do have friends who come over to visit me on a regular basis. We do go walking when it's nice ourside because otherwise MIL just sits down with us and listens to our conversation. On one occasion when it was raining, my girlfriend and I just went to my bedroom to hang out and talk since that was the only way we could have some privacy. How pitiful is that? Ugh. After that, I just glared at MIL when she sat down with us, and I think she got the message.
We all want to know what time your husband spends with her.
So she has a walker, she's 92 and you've had her for a year. I think you've done your time. It's time your hub flies with her to Nevada. How many kids does she have there? Let them each have her for a year total each. Maybe they can do a month or 2 at a shot if there's enough kids.
My thinking, she's 92, has issues walking, if you wait much longer she's not going to be up to travel then you're stuck with her.
Why won't you put her in assisted living? You mention possible money issues later on. If your hub won't bring her to Nevada then it's time to have a discussion with him about assisted living. As you said she could last another 5 years or longer.
You've shown your kids that you're an awesome daughter in law for allowing her to stay a year. Your house isn't big enough for either of you to have your own space for alone time
My MIL used to stay with us during the summer when she came out for 2 weeks. She's the type of person that's ok to be by herself. We're both Pisces; my birthday was a few days after hers. I liked that she was able to entertain herself but I also had my own space (office) that I didn't have to be near her every second. She recently passed from breast cancer; we were getting ready to pack up our lives to go live near her in another state. She has 2 kids local but no one was regularly in her life. We were prepared to have her for dinner every night. When she got diagnosed terminal I told my hub he can bring her here if he wanted to but he didn't think she'd make the drive so she went into hospice.
A few years ago my elderly neighbor from our old house came to stay with us 3+ weeks. I had to spend time with him every day. That ended up getting old. He also used to use the shower in the master bedroom but wouldn't tell me he was showering. I love him with all of my heart, he's the only grandfather figure I'd ever had in my life but having to live with someone is not easy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork
Unfortunately, MIL has very little money saved. Any assisted living placement will be on our dime once her very meager savings has been used. Oh, and MIL announced today that she hasn't been sleeping well at night lately. She believes if she cuts out her afternoon nap she will sleep better. I look forward to her going into her room every afternoon for a couple hours. This was not the news I needed today.
You posted while I was typing my reply. Sorry but Nevada is sounding better every minute. Your hub needs to call his siblings...
God bless you for caring for her, and I understand about wishing you had your privacy back. Remember that someone might do the same for you some day.
Does she have a TV in her room and a comfortable chair? You mention that she sits in the kitchen all day, but it would be worse if she had the main TV turned to game shows and soaps all day.
I like Silibran’s idea of packing her off to senior activities a couple of times a week.
You say you are depressed. Are you taking medication? If not, this maybe clouding your perception of the situation.
Oh my gosh. I just had my MIL for two weeks and I was about to go running to the hills like my hair was on fire or something. We knew it was temporary because my husband and I had both promised each other before we got married that NEITHER of our mothers would ever come live with us and by golly we meant it. But we had to transition her so she was in our house for several of the longest weeks of my life.
OP I would encourage you to do this: Give your husband and your kids your best, not your left overs. Give your MIL what's left of your emotions AFTER you give and get healthy emotions from the people in your life who bring you joy - who are also the people you have the first commitment to. Things get so out of whack when we give other relationships our best and our SOs and kids get what's left over, and that's what so often happens with caregiving.
I agree - your husband has to step up more. And you need a break - regularly. You and your husband and kids need a break actually.
I really would look into a senior center and then MAKE your MIL go to it several times a week. Too bad if she doesn't "like" it. So what - it's called coordination and compromise, and it's required. Period. And your husband needs to have your back on this 100 percent.
I agree - your husband has to step up more. And you need a break - regularly. You and your husband and kids need a break actually.
I really would look into a senior center and then MAKE your MIL go to it several times a week. Too bad if she doesn't "like" it. So what - it's called coordination and compromise, and it's required. Period. And your husband needs to have your back on this 100 percent.
Regarding going to the senior center or adult day care. When my late husband started going he did not like the change in routine, and just did it for me (to give me a break). But after only going a few times he really started to enjoy it and was disappointed on "non senior center days". The staff said that was very, very common (for seniors to not want to go the first time, or the first couple of times, and then quickly start to love it).
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-27-2019 at 03:16 PM..
Does your MIL have a regular doctor in your area? I had a friend go through a similar situation which they explained to her doctor, who helpfully stressed to the MIL that she needed social interaction and stimulation outside the home several times a week for good mental and physical health (senior center). Sometimes the elderly will listen to a doctor when they brush off others.
I hope you can have a serious talk with your husband about this situation and how it cannot continue. I agree that your husband should handle his mother every weekend but even that is not really fair to your children and you. Your family needs time together, too.
A break in Nevada is still called for, perhaps with the new schedule involving the senior center beginning when/if she returns. She may well make friends and also get more tired out which improves sleeping (something else the doctor could stress).
When my family was caregiving, we were always told by medical professionals to “put on our oxygen masks first” - in other words, take good care of yourself. Best of luck as we do understand!
If your MIL does not have the financial resources, there are state & federal resources which will help pay for her care. You do not want to compromise your own family's financial security, college funds, or retirement funds.
Your husnand and his siblings need to research & come to an agreement about the best course of action. Perhaps they have all become complacent because you are doing everything.
Have you tried honesty? Tell her you need a lot of solitude. That you really need to be alone much of the day and would she respect that and keep to her room.
If I were living with a relative I surely would respect that request if it were made of me. Being old doesn't exempt her from courteous behavior.
I'd lock her in her room personally but I'm sure you're not as cold as I am (few are).
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Said she isn't interested in "that" anymore.
