Depressed- MIL Lives with Me (child, adult, parent, spouse)
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Regarding going to the senior center or adult day care. When my late husband started going he did not like the change in routine, and just did it for me (to give me a break). But after only going a few times he really started to enjoy it and was disappointed on "non senior center days". The staff said that was very, very common (for seniors to not want to go the first time, or the first couple of times, and then quickly start to love it).
When my father could no longer go out walking or running or riding his bike, he kind of drove Mom crazy always talking, repeating himself, etc. We found a really good adult daycare program. 2 or 3 times/week they would pick him up and take him there for most of the day. He was a very sociable guy and absolutely loved it. Then Mom could go grocery shopping, etc. without worrying about him, or trying to take him along, or she could just have quiet time at home.
Maybe the OP is being manipulated by both the MIL and her spouse? MIL is an adult. Setting down some ground rules, no matter how old she is, might be helpful.
If your MIL does not have the financial resources, there are state & federal resources which will help pay for her care. You do not want to compromise your own family's financial security, college funds, or retirement funds.
Your husnand and his siblings need to research & come to an agreement about the best course of action. Perhaps they have all become complacent because you are doing everything.
Yes, I totally understand this. MIL has this strange sense of entitlement that my husband and I will pay for her assistant living if she needs it. She has flat out told me that for almost 20 years now. "You two will have to pay for one of those homes for me if I ever need it." I would about choke every time she said that.
I have mentioned lately to her that some facilities will accept Medicaid if one can private pay for a certain period of time at the beginning. She has a fear of "Medicaid homes" even though I told her there are some nicer ones that might accept her if she can pay privately until her money is used up...maybe six months...and then we can contribute some to fulfill that initial time period until the facility accepts Medicaid.
I definitely need to research this some more. I figured we aren't quite at that stage anyway since she can still do all the activities of daily living herself at this point (who knows what will happen down the road), and she wouldn't qualify for Medicaid assisted living because of that (and until she spends down her limited funds).
I don't think it should be your responsibility to care for her, entertain her, or give up your peace of mind and solitude for her. Your life and your feelings are just as important as hers, and in your own home they are MORE important. I am sure she likes having a nice bedroom and someone around for her convenience. Who wouldn't? But that's not the point. Your home is your space and you have the right to be comfortable there without someone intruding on your every thought and activity.
My mother lived with me and my kids for 14 years. It was at least tolerable when she was working, but she kept getting fired because she was mean. The only day I had without her there was Saturday. Then she was always there, and as her dementia got worse, she became more and more intrusive. I had NO privacy. She would follow me to the bathroom, burst into my bedroom when the door was closed, and sit and stare at me the rest of the time. I finally put her in assisted living, but she continued to try to insinuate herself into my life at every opportunity.
OP, I know how you feel. She needs to be out of your home before you lose your own sanity. She is 92 and has lived her own life, she has no right to make yours miserable no matter what she wants.
I’m really surprised the OP isn’t as mad at her husband as ... well; as I would be, at least. I would be furious!
Of course he’s “fine” with the status quo ... The relationship between mother & child has a much different dynamic than the one between spouse & in-law & the person who doesn’t actually have to DO much or CHANGE anything will always be perfectly fine with an arrangement such as this.
The next thing, is that the person who doesn’t have to be the one to do something will always be full of Great Ideas on how you could be doing it better. Ugh!
Yes, I totally understand this. MIL has this strange sense of entitlement that my husband and I will pay for her assistant living if she needs it. She has flat out told me that for almost 20 years now. "You two will have to pay for one of those homes for me if I ever need it." I would about choke every time she said that.
I have mentioned lately to her that some facilities will accept Medicaid if one can private pay for a certain period of time at the beginning. She has a fear of "Medicaid homes" even though I told her there are some nicer ones that might accept her if she can pay privately until her money is used up...maybe six months...and then we can contribute some to fulfill that initial time period until the facility accepts Medicaid.
I definitely need to research this some more. I figured we aren't quite at that stage anyway since she can still do all the activities of daily living herself at this point (who knows what will happen down the road), and she wouldn't qualify for Medicaid assisted living because of that (and until she spends down her limited funds).
My mom is in a very nice facility that costs (now) $9,000 a month, on a $1700/month income, because we did it while she still had enough to private pay for 18 months until Medicaid took over. It was $4,000 a mo th or do when she moved in, because she really needed no care, she even did her own laundry.
We (I) hired a Geriatric Care Manager, who called every facility with a good rep in our area, went over my moms income and assets with Admissions directors and administrators (I believe she knew most of them) and was able to get yes or no over the phone (I would have had to go to all these places separately, fill out the ginormous application packet for each one) and then present us a list of half a dozen places that all agreed to accept her in advance. We then toured them, and my mom made the choice in the end which she liked.
She did other things as well, starting with helping my mom see she could not go home.She actually went to my moms rehab facility to talk to her. She was warm and kind, and my mom listened to her while she would have yelled at me.
I can’t remember her hourly rate, I think we paid bout $900 or more all together but it was well worth it. I found her on this site. They are all certified if they belong to this professional organization, not just someone declaring themselves a care manager. https://www.aginglifecare.org/
This thread has me concerned. I totally understand the imposition that has been placed on the OP. My mother will be 93 next month, and has had a live-in caregiver for the past few years. But, the expense is prohibitive and she doesn't have enough to continue that arrangement more than another year or so. Both of my brothers have offered to take her in. One of my SILs is, like the OP, an introvert. The other has only been married to my brother for a year. Yet, their husbands have assured me their wives are ok with Mom joining their household. I have my doubts either scenario will work out although both of my brothers are retired and home.
I still work full-time, and our house has too many stairs to bring her here. But, I worry.
The next thing, is that the person who doesn’t have to be the one to do something will always be full of Great Ideas on how you could be doing it better. Ugh!
Oh, and MIL announced today that she hasn't been sleeping well at night lately. She believes if she cuts out her afternoon nap she will sleep better. I look forward to her going into her room every afternoon for a couple hours. This was not the news I needed today.
My mom is in a very nice facility that costs (now) $9,000 a month, on a $1700/month income, because we did it while she still had enough to private pay for 18 months until Medicaid took over. It was $4,000 a mo th or do when she moved in, because she really needed no care, she even did her own laundry.
We (I) hired a Geriatric Care Manager, who called every facility with a good rep in our area, went over my moms income and assets with Admissions directors and administrators (I believe she knew most of them) and was able to get yes or no over the phone (I would have had to go to all these places separately, fill out the ginormous application packet for each one) and then present us a list of half a dozen places that all agreed to accept her in advance. We then toured them, and my mom made the choice in the end which she liked.
She did other things as well, starting with helping my mom see she could not go home.She actually went to my moms rehab facility to talk to her. She was warm and kind, and my mom listened to her while she would have yelled at me.
I can’t remember her hourly rate, I think we paid bout $900 or more all together but it was well worth it. I found her on this site. They are all certified if they belong to this professional organization, not just someone declaring themselves a care manager. https://www.aginglifecare.org/
So good to know. Thank you. I'm hoping an approach like this works for MIL (she uses up her own funds, we supplement for a short period of time, Medicaid takes over).
Do you know what happens if your mom needs to leave assisted living for nursing home care? Is it there on the same property? Also, what happens if mom needs to leave the facility and go to the hospital followed by 20 days of rehab? Will the assisted living facility take her back as a new admit and accept Medicaid again?
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