Depressed- MIL Lives with Me (child, parent, spouse, father)
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However, I can't say she is unwanted. Her other children ask her all the time to visit them or to go live with them. MIL refuses because she likes my home better and she says she finds them "annoying."
Maybe you need to start being more annoying until the other siblings' houses begin to look more attractive by comparison?
Do you have any friends with elderly parents? Perhaps if they came over with their parents a few times your MIL could make some friends and maybe they could all start going to the senior center or church together. A little time alone is better than no time alone.
Sounds like the mil sheer existence bothers the OP. And tossing her into a home is the modern way to keep ONE person feeling at ease. Where and when does a non blood relative decide what is best for the elder? Try as I may I see this as two living and worthy individuals vying for regard in this household. I tend to think this 'she is set in her ways ' goes both ways...the dil is self magnifying the environment . My therapist used to tell the funny story of a couple who were at wits end on Co existing. The therapist says..ohh what annoys you? The lady chirped in.......It's annoying that when we eat oatmeal I can hear him crunching it! Naturally cooked oatmeal isn't crunchy....yet to this wife even his eating habits annoyed her. True or not it became a contention.
Op you acknowledge that you are aware of this challenge and you sound caring overall. Thus the guilt over feeling resentment.
I lived in foster homes...walking on eggshells was the norm. At any point the foster parent could "dismiss" my residency there...I was at the mercy of a system . So pardon my bias as I understand the elder who is at the mercy of a common system that shuts them away because they annoy the majority of society. Get out of your own way..and stop seeing her as the problem. You are both loved and both deserving of finding middle ground.
This is the moms last five or so years on this earth...how do you want to influence those years in her life chapters?
OP I just have to ask this - how long did your MIL's MIL live with her? Or her own mother for that matter? Or any elderly parent?
I ask this because both my mom and my MIL expected to live with my husband and me, even though we told them repeatedly this was not going to happen (thankfully they both had the financial means to provide other options but I swear, if they hadn't, we would have come up with something!). And neither of them had their own mothers or fathers move in with them - in fact, neither of them were involved in their parents' elder care at ALL. My mom's MIL did move in with them the last four months of her life - into her own wing in their 5600 square foot house, with hospice coming in every other day. That was a strain on my parents' marriage and in fact, they nearly got a divorce, and yet this was for a VERY short term situation, and they knew it going into it, and not only that, my brother and I were also very involved and they made SURE we took our grandmother to doctor appointments regularly, sat with her, etc. etc. so it didn't all fall on my mom and dad. For four months. Not years.
I just find it ironic that so many elderly parents today expect their kids (or often ONE kid) to take them into their home for years and years when they never did this themselves.
Sounds like the mil sheer existence bothers the OP. And tossing her into a home is the modern way to keep ONE person feeling at ease. Where and when does a non blood relative decide what is best for the elder? Try as I may I see this as two living and worthy individuals vying for regard in this household. I tend to think this 'she is set in her ways ' goes both ways...the dil is self magnifying the environment . My therapist used to tell the funny story of a couple who were at wits end on Co existing. The therapist says..ohh what annoys you? The lady chirped in.......It's annoying that when we eat oatmeal I can hear him crunching it! Naturally cooked oatmeal isn't crunchy....yet to this wife even his eating habits annoyed her. True or not it became a contention.
Op you acknowledge that you are aware of this challenge and you sound caring overall. Thus the guilt over feeling resentment.
I lived in foster homes...walking on eggshells was the norm. At any point the foster parent could "dismiss" my residency there...I was at the mercy of a system . So pardon my bias as I understand the elder who is at the mercy of a common system that shuts them away because they annoy the majority of society. Get out of your own way..and stop seeing her as the problem. You are both loved and both deserving of finding middle ground.
This is the moms last five or so years on this earth...how do you want to influence those years in her life chapters?
You might actually have a point -- a small one -- if the MIL had been placed somewhere against her will.
She wasn't. She was placed in the OP's home over the OP's objections. And no other alternatives were considered.
As long as we're lecturing other people on how to be, how about developing some empathy? I've dealt with autistic people who have more sensitivity than you.
Sounds like the mil sheer existence bothers the OP. And tossing her into a home is the modern way to keep ONE person feeling at ease. Where and when does a non blood relative decide what is best for the elder? Try as I may I see this as two living and worthy individuals vying for regard in this household. I tend to think this 'she is set in her ways ' goes both ways...the dil is self magnifying the environment . My therapist used to tell the funny story of a couple who were at wits end on Co existing. The therapist says..ohh what annoys you? The lady chirped in.......It's annoying that when we eat oatmeal I can hear him crunching it! Naturally cooked oatmeal isn't crunchy....yet to this wife even his eating habits annoyed her. True or not it became a contention.
Op you acknowledge that you are aware of this challenge and you sound caring overall. Thus the guilt over feeling resentment.
I lived in foster homes...walking on eggshells was the norm. At any point the foster parent could "dismiss" my residency there...I was at the mercy of a system . So pardon my bias as I understand the elder who is at the mercy of a common system that shuts them away because they annoy the majority of society. Get out of your own way..and stop seeing her as the problem. You are both loved and both deserving of finding middle ground.
This is the moms last five or so years on this earth...how do you want to influence those years in her life chapters?
Hold up a minute. HOLD UP.
This woman is 92 years old and has lived a full life with several kids, grandkids, a marriage, etc. She does not have significant dementia and can still do most or maybe even all of her basic life skills. It is not her RIGHT to move in with anyone. And it is not a requirement in life for her daughter in law to entertain her, house her, feed her, etc. day in and day out for years. Her kids aren't doing this. Her DIL is doing it.
Look, this woman didn't realize she was going to get old one day? She didn't plan for her future?
I believe she has assets. She doesn't want to use them up and I understand that but let's get real - what was she saving them for anyway? This situation hopefully.
If she doesn't use her assets up, then her multiple children will inherit them. The children who have not been involved in her care. SHE HAS OTHER KIDS. The least everyone can do is pitch in.
The thing is, the OP - the daughter in law - is not getting a break at all. Never. It's day in and day out for years and years. I asked earlier, how many years did her MIL take care of elderly parents in her own home? I would be willing to bet not even a year.
It's not a matter of the MIL being unwanted. I would bet that all her kids love her and would be willing to share the burden - and it is a burden - of having her live with them for several months at a time, or a year at a time and rotate it out. But the MIL doesn't want to do that. Well, that's too bad. If she had more resources, she'd have more options. But when you have fewer resources, you can't afford to be demanding. You have to cooperate with other people more, people who are providing you with a home, meals, etc. You don't get to call all the shots. That's just life.
She is not a queen. She is not a saint. She needs to cooperate and compromise with the people who are providing basically everything for her.
You have my sympathy as I understand completely how you feel. I was having panic attacks at the thought of my mother moving in with me recently (she didn't raise me) because she is a talker also. I guess older people get that way. I am used to my solitude, especially in the morning. She seemed to take it well but she has been a little cold and distant lately but I don't care. I need to take care of me as I have been dealing with chronic depression for years.
Your MIL's other children need to step up whether they or your MIL like it or not. The burden shouldn't all be on you. Sit down with your husband and explain to him exactly how you feel. Hopefully you have a good marriage and if you explain how this situation is affecting you perhaps he will change his mind.
I am going to say I believe the kids should share care. Really does not matter what the mother thinks is annoying. It is a reality that everyone is leaving her care to the DIL and it is affecting her emotionally and eventually will lead to current and future physical issues.
Mom needs to take a vacation to one or more of the other kids. Husband needs to take her. Give this poor woman a rest.
Note: I told my husband when we married 46 years ago that I was not a nurse or caregiver (no personality for it) and we would save to provide for our old age. We discussed for the same 46 years that our parents would NOT move in with us. I did not believe it would be an issue but he was clear that he would not live with his mom or dad. Now having her living in the same city, I understand. It drives me insane having to read minds and deal with such a passive aggressive person but I still take her on vacations and deal with it when I have to but I do not have to and will never live with it 24/7.
My husband is truly a rare breed. He has a much bigger heart than I ever will.
Forgive me. I don't know your husband at all. But I have noticed in my 65 years on the planet that people who pride themselves on having a big heart usually exercise their generosity and expansiveness at the expense of others.
I actually talked to her about this a couple months ago. I was frank with her, and I told her I'm not good with sharing my "space" all the time. She told me there was no way she could stay in her bedroom much of the day as she would feel too "confined" and "closed-in." There's very little I could say to that. I've noticed that since that talk, she's seemed to make herself even more at home, spending even MORE time at my kitchen table. (Edited to add that I really can't say that it was my talk that is causing her to spend more time at my kitchen table. It could just be a function of the passage of time. In other words, the longer she lives here, the more comfortable and "dug in" she becomes.)
Wow. What an ungrateful selfcentered narcissist she seems. Her reply means, to hell with your comfort/needs, mine shall prevail.
She is a guest in YOUR house and she REFUSED your request for more alone time. It's YOUR house. SHE is the guest. Your rules apply. If in HER home would YOU respect that request if made of you?
If she were 42 not 92 and had that reply what would you say?
Her age does not at all exempt her from honoring a request made by her hostess nor does it give her carte blanche to insert herself into your company at any hour of the day SHE chooses to.
That reply would've made me say, "it is either that or we shall send you to another dwelling posthaste".
You're crazy to drive yourself crazy just so this selfish old hag can have her way. You may be a pushover doormat type by personality and she perceives this.
She refuses to go to senior centers, she has essentially made YOU her sole source of entertainment. How is that fair?
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