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BHFT...it is good to be concern for others especially about your husband's friend and his relationship. However, as python87 stated...more than likely this friend would continue in this destructive relationship no matter how others would point out as to why it does not look good. More often than not...well-meaning intervention can only bring dissonance to the friendship.
Meanwhile...encourage your husband to be just a supportive buddy. Wrong relationships come to an end eventually on their own.
Peace!
Thanks, ans. That makes sense. It's kind of hard to stand by and watch someone mess up their life, but I guess there's only so much we can do.
There are two sides to every story, BHT. A woman's nose is broken. I've had mine broken four times. I don't care how angry someone is, breaking a woman's nose is unacceptable.
But like I said, there are definitely two sides to every story.
But it is not your story.
The guy is your husband's friend. If he wants to remain friends then so be it. If he doesn't, oh well. Let him decide.
You're right that it is totally unacceptable. That's why I'm confused, and my husband seems to be, too. Do you stop being friends with someone when they do something unacceptable? Is staying friends equivalent to considering it acceptable? That's what my husband doesn't want. You're right. It's his call.
I'm so sorry for all you've been through with your parents. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I think only people who have been hurt for similar reasons can do that. Like I said, we all have had our crosses to bear, mine being the loss of a child when he was 15. But I know in my heart that God loves me, and He loves my child and had a purpose for his life. Life's just hard sometimes, but we need to have faith that it will all make sense in the end.
You're right that it is totally unacceptable. That's why I'm confused, and my husband seems to be, too. Do you stop being friends with someone when they do something unacceptable? Is staying friends equivalent to considering it acceptable? That's what my husband doesn't want. You're right. It's his call.
I'm so sorry for all you've been through with your parents. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I think only people who have been hurt for similar reasons can do that. Like I said, we all have had our crosses to bear, mine being the loss of a child when he was 15. But I know in my heart that God loves me, and He loves my child and had a purpose for his life. Life's just hard sometimes, but we need to have faith that it will all make sense in the end.
I agree. Having things happen to your children is much, much worse. I've had some horrible heartache with my kids, and every bit of it was indirectly - or directly - caused my mother.
Yes, she's a real peach, isn't she?
But I haven't permanently lost a child. Well, not in this life, anyway. Some are gone, but there is always the chance they will be back.
What you have gone through is my ultimate terror, one of the very few horrible things that hasn't happened.
So yes, you have your own nightmare for sure.
But I agree, I firmly believe there is a reason for everything. Even when I believed in nothing I still believed in that. There are far too many coincidences in this world.
I think we don't have the capacity to really understand the meanings of many things, nor are we meant to.
As I have said, I have studied and studied science and there are many, many answers. But there are always more questions.
That's a great question about friends. I don't know. Like I said, we have no idea what really went wrong there. I'd just stay out of taking sides. It is so hard to really know what is going on in that situation. People show us what they want us to see. Sometimes the person that comes off tough is the gentle soul and the one that you think is the victim may not be. I think it speaks well of your husband that his first reaction was that he wouldn't tolerate that behavior. Now he is taking in the information and weighing the situation, it seems.
Thank you brian . . . this is a truly Christian thread and seems to have avoided much of the conflict that inundates the other threads. It exemplifies "love God and each other."
That's a trap that took me almost 50 years to climb out of. She's my mother. The little girl that cried and begged my mother is still here.
In fact, I've done everything short of stand on her head but to no avail. And really, if I thought it would help I would take this old, out-of-shape body and stand on my head.
My mother is a very angry woman. She's been mad at me for being alive all of these years. She has practically told me that if there were legal abortions she would have had one. She never lets me forget that I look like him. My father. She calls him "him." And I look like "him" and I should be very grateful to be alive. She never lets me forget that.
And she is toxic to the point of where she has created a lot of havoc in my life and my children's. She has little to do with her grandchildren but when she does, even if it has been years she makes sure she does as much damage as possible.
This past Christmas, she managed to hurt my youngest child, the one she's never met. I drew the line at that. I still check in with her but I try to keep my distance as much as possible.
One must remember that she is really a sick individual, and giving her love angers her. A narcissist does not like love and will systematically exact revenge on those foolish enough to try to send it their way.
I mean you really want me to mess with a woman that used the story of Abraham to emotionally torture their own child? Seriously?
I believe in love. In giving love. But I also am not going to play the fool, either. At some point you have to protect yourself and I have to protect my own children, too. She's had enough fun for the past 76 years.
So yeah, it's nice to say "blessings" and that we share it with one another always. Terrific. But I'm not going to walk down a dark alley in a bad neighborhood, nor send my children down it, either.
Amen to that.
There are two sides to every story, BHT. A woman's nose is broken. I've had mine broken four times. I don't care how angry someone is, breaking a woman's nose is unacceptable.
But like I said, there are definitely two sides to every story.
But it is not your story.
The guy is your husband's friend. If he wants to remain friends then so be it. If he doesn't, oh well. Let him decide.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MysticPhD
Sorry brian, I agree with the ideal . . . but there is always a need to temper it with reason. We are NOT Jesus. There is also the very wise caveat . . . "cast not your pearls before swine . . ." Those whose "fruits" define them as swine are best avoided . . . and prayed for.
Of course, if you are in a dangerous situation (ie life-threatening) then it is clear that you must get away from it.
My impression was that your mother was living elsewhere, and that you had the freedom to come and go as you pleased. If that is the case, then you are free to love her in many ways, and to express this to her.
It sounds to me like your mother's anger is more towards her husband than to you. Remember that you are unique and special, and that your presence among us was planned, just as her presence here was planned. She can say anything she wants about you, but you were created and you are well-pleasing to God. He made you the way you are, and you can be proud of that!
The Creator gives us food and warmth and Life everyday, and many are not appreciative at all. If we are conscious of our situation (as being created beings), we can thank the Creator in many ways, and they are always pleasing to Him. And even those who do not thank Him are still blessed by Him. That is what we must do, too: bless. We must bless everyone, including those most ornery people who rub us the wrong way. (I know a few myself! )
Blessing people is a part of becoming like God. As He blesses us, we should bless others. (-And not just those we like!)
Well, I have a hunch that you indeed do show your love to your mom. And in the end, it is the thing that she will remember most about you. (Apparently your father didn't show her the love she was expecting, and I am sorry about that.)
Don't know if any of this makes sense; I'm learning as I write!
I hope this is an acceptable place to put this comment. I need a little advice. I went home the other day and my husband said, "I have some sad news. I can't be friends with Sam anymore." Sam has been his best friend for about two years. He's a very laid-back and nice guy who has been a terrific friend. The reason my husband said that is because Sam told him that he and his girlfriend got into a big argument, she hit him first, and then he punched her, breaking her nose! This is terrible and sad and we can hardly believe it happened.
Sam is very nice, but his girlfriend is not nice at all. She even told me the very FIRST time we met, "I hate people," meaning pretty much all people. Needless to say, I didn't have a lot of hope for a close friendship at that point. She is negative about everything and is usually a real pain to even spend a few hours with. We have no idea what he sees in her. He broke up with her once because she was jealous of his 5-year-old son and he couldn't take it anymore, but then they got back together. I don't want to blame the victim, BUT he was a victim too, since she hit him first. And she probably just finally pushed him over the edge with her nastiness.
My husband said he cannot be friends with someone who would hit a woman. He says there's no excuse whatsoever. His friend wasn't drinking, so it was all just anger but we don't know what the fight was about. The advice I need is how to counsel my husband. I told him not to rush into telling Sam he could no longer be his friend, because maybe he could help him.
I can see that his girlfriend needs God's love to infiltrate her heart, so she can truly love and know love. (She has told me she hates people, plants, most food, and several other things. She loves animals, though.) She had an unusual childhood because her daddy married a woman from overseas and brought her here. Her mother was miserable and missed her family and went home, leaving the little girl behind when she was 2, and she hasn't contacted her since. Her grandmother raised her and her daddy was not nice to her. I don't know all the details, but her grandmother died two or three years ago and she took it really hard. I believe she has never felt completely loved since she was rejected by her parents. Also, her teenage son is out of control and in and out of juvenile detention. The "old-man-Me" wants to call her the "b" word, but the "new-man-Me" knows she's simply hurting and sad inside her soul. I don't know how I can help her other than to pray for her, which I don't do often enough.
I think my husband should make it CLEAR that he does not condone his friend's behavior, but not abandon the friendship. It's my opinion that he should counsel him to leave the relationship (if she doesn't break it off) because they bring out the worst in each other, not the best. Any advice is welcome.
There must be something about her that Sam likes, otherwise he wouldn't go back to her.
The same goes for her.
I hope your husband stays nearby.. Sam might need him most now!
Blessings to you both, and for peace and healing between all 4 of you!
brian
Thank you brian . . . this is a truly Christian thread and seems to have avoided much of the conflict that inundates the other threads. It exemplifies "love God and each other."
You're always welcome, Mystic..
-But the credit really goes to everyone else here, including yourself! I haven't done much at all!
Wow, your story sounds a lot like mine, except my Mother and I are on excellent terms now. I haven't spoken to or seen my father in 10 years now, but toxic is toxic and sometimes we have to cut family members out of our lives. Your father and mine sound a whole lot alike.
Relationships like that can most definitely turn you off and away from "religion", it did me for a while. When you see the hypocrisy of claiming Christianity and then the fighting, swearing and abuse it's just too much to bear and something has to give.....with you and I it was "religion" and false Christianity. I kicked it to the curb because if being a Christian meant being like my Father then I wanted no part of that mess.
I was a raving lunatic fundamentalist ETer until about a year ago, and then I learned the truth about LOVE through Christian Universalism. OH how glorious it is!! You're seeing the true love of God here that the UR's feel and express, and I'm so happy that Pleroo started this thread.
God bless you Hiknapster, I can feel and understand what you have been going through and what you're still going through. God puts us where we need to be, and right now it's here.
Ooops, sorry Brian I said Pleroo started the thread and I meant to say you, Ahigherway. Too late to correct it in the original post so I'm doing it here.
I think we don't have the capacity to really understand the meanings of many things, nor are we meant to.
I think that's the bottom line, and accepting that is what faith is all about. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So part of having faith is hoping/believing that "all things work together for good."
Ooops, sorry Brian I said Pleroo started the thread and I meant to say you, Ahigherway. Too late to correct it in the original post so I'm doing it here.
I don't mind at all Ilene!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bright Hope for Tomorrow
I think that's the bottom line, and accepting that is what faith is all about. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So part of having faith is hoping/believing that "all things work together for good."
-Like faith in the power of Love to win over our enemies?
Often we don't see the results of our love to others; at least not right away. But it plants a seed which grows and grows until one day... wow! We discover that the love given has indeed fallen on "good soil!"
Blessings!
brian
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This is a truly Christian thread
)
She is negative about everything and is usually a real pain to even spend a few hours with. We have no idea what he sees in her. He broke up with her once because she was jealous of his 5-year-old son and he couldn't take it anymore, but then they got back together. I don't want to blame the victim, BUT he was a victim too, since she hit him first. And she probably just finally pushed him over the edge with her nastiness.
I don't mind at all Ilene!
