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How about if he quits working and decides never to work again? Or do any chores around the house?
Where will your unconditional love be then?
They've been married for 13 years. They're in their 40s. This is no bait-and-switch. This is a woman deciding she's no longer going to starve herself to be chronically underweight and feeling good about herself and her healthier weight, and her husband having unrealistic standards of beauty, not only for women, but for women her age. If she wants to lose 10 or 15 pounds to make herself more attractive to him, there would be nothing wrong with that, but 100 pounds at 5'6" is flat-out unhealthy, and no woman should try to get to that weight for any reason, much less to please a man, even if he is her husband. This is a matter of health, and her health is more important than his boner.
This original question is so charged. It assumes that love is entirely a choice. It assumes that attraction is a choice at all. It assumes that we all agree on what love means. I guess I'm saying it assumes a lot.
To the OP, marriages work when both parties make every effort to support the other and to see their perspective. Your husband may be lagging a bit in that regard. Staying in love with someone requires a willingness to work at it, to be at least somewhat open minded regarding changes that will inevitably happen, and a willingness to talk honestly about stuff.
On the other hand, you seem to think a nightly bowl of cereal is central to your happiness. It sounds like you got well into adulthood weighing just 2/3 of what you weigh now. That's a big and fairly abrupt change. If you can't see that, then you're lagging also.
I picture you eating that cereal next to him in bed while he sits up with his arms folded and shaking his head. That's a classic lose-lose scenario.
Oh, good grief. You're not even overweight. You're at the top of your weight range, and I certainly wouldn't gain anymore, but your husband needs to get over it. 100 pounds at your height is emaciated.
Here is what people who are 5'6" 150 pounds tend to look like:
He has. He handles it by not sleeping with her much more than quarterly.
She's gained weight, and likes it. Which is nice. Her husband can deal with it, which he is.
But he has the right to not want to sleep with her, and be fine with that, and she'll have to get over that. Because you can't really control sexual attraction / desire. It's there, or it's not.
So it's even here.
Options
Live together monogamously as platonic housemates / friends.
She can compromise and go to 130 / 135.
They can divorce because the person she is happy and decided to be is having bad effects on their marriage.
They can have an open relationship where they sleep with other people.
He has. He handles it by not sleeping with her much more than quarterly.
She's gained weight, and likes it. Which is nice. Her husband can deal with it, which he is.
But he has the right to not want to sleep with her, and be fine with that, and she'll have to get over that. Because you can't really control sexual attraction / desire. It's there, or it's not.
So it's even here.
Options
Live together monogamously as platonic housemates / friends.
She can compromise and go to 130 / 135.
They can divorce because the person she is happy and decided to be is having bad effects on their marriage.
They can have an open relationship where they sleep with other people.
There's something wrong with a man who prefers emaciated women over healthy ones. I wouldn't knock myself out trying to please someone like that, myself.
I suspect that his lack of libido is less about her weight than it is about her taking control over her body, becoming healthy, and feeling good about herself. That can be very threatening for a man who needs to have a frail, weak woman around to make himself feel like a big he-man. I sense that if this marriage were to break up, her weight might be his excuse, but she would probably find someone else very quickly who thinks she's smoking hot. She'll walk away the radiantly healthy one, he'll be trying to chase down an anorexic.
Yes, my husband has mentioned over the years that I was beginning to put on weight, however, I liked the way I looked. The more I put on the less sex we had. Now we only have sex about once every 3 or 4 months now. He told me the other day that he still loved me but he just didn't find me attractive. He came with this BS about men being visual creatures. Husbands should love wives regardless of how they look. He said that if I initiate more maybe we'd have more sex. I feel that with that statement he doesn't desire me but will sex me if I make the first move. Sort of made me feel like a drunk girl at last call. He'll do anything as long as she's willing. But where's the desire?
That is no BS, and if you dont believe that, shame on you. That has never been a secret, its how men are.
As was said, Im sure he loves you. And Im sure its more important for you to say you like how you are than to be attractive to your husband. Your choice.
Also realize the ball is in your court. Your husband came up with no surprises. He told you what he liked, you chose to ignore it. So now you are happy in your fat pants, and are having no sex with hubby.
I think we can all see the writing on the wall here. And OP will be surprised when it happens.
And Im sure its more important for you to say you like how you are than to be attractive to your husband. Your choice.
That is how any self-respecting woman would feel.
Choice? What's the other alternative? To hate how she looks and feels just to make him happy? Oh, hell no.
Comes a point in a woman's life, usually in her 40s, when she realizes that if she has been sacrificing her health and well-being for others, it's time to stop. Not saying this is what happened with the OP. I don't know her from Eve. But If someone is happy with herself--or himself--that is a good thing, and something one's spouse should be happy about.
Her weight should not be a power struggle between them. If it becomes one, she would be wise to leave him. I certainly would.
I'm just curious.... what if someone feels happy at 350 lbs.?
The OP is not overweight, but probably pretty "solid", and that's not her husbands "type." What if I married my husband at 180 and liked him like that, and he decided to go down to 130 and I found it unattractive? Should he ignore my preference?
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The OP did say that he wasn't expecting her to get back to her former weight (which is good, because that is very unhealthy for her height), so I wonder if it's more of a situation where he's watching her gain weight because of her eating habits and it is wondering when enough is enough.
There's something wrong with a man who prefers emaciated women over healthy ones. I wouldn't knock myself out trying to please someone like that, myself.
I suspect that his lack of libido is less about her weight than it is about her taking control over her body, becoming healthy, and feeling good about herself. That can be very threatening for a man who needs to have a frail, weak woman around to make himself feel like a big he-man. I sense that if this marriage were to break up, her weight might be his excuse, but she would probably find someone else very quickly who thinks she's smoking hot. She'll walk away the radiantly healthy one, he'll be trying to chase down an anorexic.
Just positing a theory.
Happens a good bit. Some have a type. Some like petite women.
Look at some men who love big women. And I don't mean thick, I mean big. https://sp.yimg.com/xj/th?id=OIP.Mc7...=0&w=300&h=300 http://www.medindia.net/health-images/obesity-3.jpg
Now Idk these women. But they don't look healthy, but appearances can be tricky. My brothers gf is big and athletic.. Though I think they're cute. But even if they aren't healthy, some mean love these kinds of women. I heard one guy mention online that he's fat, and so is his wife, both being over 250 pounds and they both love it, especially when having sex.
Or someone who thinks a person looks hot when they smoke, despite smoking not being healthy.
So to be fair to her husband, he's apparently been very forthcoming about his preference. But I can't fault her for loving her body. She should. But it's clear it conflicts with her marriage. She's not wrong to want to be bigger. But her husband isn't wrong either to have the preference he has. They're mismatched.
It's like a person who's strictly poly and another who's strictly monogamous. Neither of them are wrong to believe in, and want what they want. But they don't need to be together in a relationship. They could still be great friends however.
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