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My husband and I have been together some 13 years now. His first marriage, my second. When we met I weighed about 100 pounds. He told me that he's always been attracted to slender, petite women. For most of my life I was the skinny girl. Even after having my 2 kids from my first husband I still remained slim and petite. Our sex life was great in the beginning. Well, since then I've began putting on weight and I liked the way I looked with some meat on my bones. I like to eat and I'll eat a bowl of cereal every night before I go to bed. People have commented on how much better I look, except my husband. No we don't have any kids together. I guess I've gone from 100 lbs to almost 150 lbs any my husband doesn't seem to want to touch me. He's always said that he doesn't like a woman with a big booty (we're both black) and most of the black guys I know love a woman with a big rear end. Not my husband.
We've only had sex maybe twice in the past 3 or 4 months and he refuses to touch me. One thing I can say about him is that he's brutally honest. He'll tell me that he's not attracted to bigger women and that I've gained weight. I wear body shapers and "girdles" to hold everything in but he says that's nice when you're dressed but when you take that off and the real me comes out it's not attractive to see that I've put on about 50% of my initial body weight since we first met.
I'm the type of woman who believes in unconditional love. You should love the person you're with no matter how they change. My husband says that it is only reserved for parents and children and somewhat brothers and sisters. Why can't he just love me for me? We're in our mid 40s and he doesn't seem to care about sex (with me). Don't most men like sex? If he's not having sex with me then who's he having it with? Your weight should not be an issue if you truly love someone.The funny thing is this. He's also put on weight. No, not as much as me but I still love and desire him. He went from a 44 suit to a 46 so he's putting on the lbs too. He won't touch me. He won't cuddle with me. I've caught him checking out younger, slimmer women and I'm starting to worry.
What should I do? No, I don't want to go back to my original weight but I want my husband to want me again.
So you are not overweight and you like your body now but you wear coverup-clothes that thold "everything in"??? That doesn't make sense. If you are a normal weight, you wouldn't need that.
Yep you're being a dick again. She is still the same person he married and I'm sure he saw her gaining weight & didn't wake up one morning surprised. You take vow, for better or worse. He needs to help not hinder.
We don't know if he helps or hinders. We only know he doesn't like bigger women. OP has not stated if he wants to go on a diet with her or motivates or whatever else.
I feel better that you guys said that - I have never understood unconditional love (I don't have kids).
There are all KINDS of conditions for me.
Having kids might be the only example, I don't have them either, but even that has a limit. You hear stories about families turning away a kid that can't shake a drug problem, they may love them, but they aren't' in their lives..... hence a "condition" has to be met...
At the risk of sounding like a dick again... Actions speak louder than words.... A weight gain of 50LBS doesn't happen over night.
It's more principle than anything else. Obviously part of the reason he chose to be with her is because of sexual attraction. We're not talking about the natural aging process that occurs overtime. We're talking about someone (who at least sounds like) they completely let themselves go once they "snagged" their husband... That's not right in my opinion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Obliohasapoint
Yep you're being a dick again. She is still the same person he married and I'm sure he saw her gaining weight & didn't wake up one morning surprised. You take vow, for better or worse. He needs to help not hinder.
Don't worry I won't call you a dick mate
But obliohasapoint just amplified what I was getting at there's no way he all of a sudden started talking about her wait he must have noticed it long before she reached 150lbs
And agree that he should help and encourage not put her down she's not his friend, work colleague or neighbour but his WIFE.
We don't know if he helps or hinders. We only know he doesn't like bigger women. OP has not stated if he wants to go on a diet with her or motivates or whatever else.
I didn't state he did or didn't help or hinder. It was a suggestion. She also stated he gained weight too. I can offer up 2 things that will make you lose weight without starving yourself & binge eating. Drink only water. No cokes, pepsi or other preferences including alcohol and stop that bowl of cereal every night before bed. After 13 years of marriage both of you should, not saying you don't, treat each other with respect and love. I've been married 40 years, I'm offering things I know works and if OH -Eve likes to mince words & pick op apart. Don't listen to fools. oops did I just say that?
I think the op is fake for many reasons(the ops logic and explanation is eerily similar to drive by trolls, the language is duplicate to another drive by troll, three posts, and a bowl of cereal each night foh) but I will play along.
You knew your husband was attracted to thin women. You've been married 13 years. I'm sure that as you've gained weight your husband let it be known he was not attracted. You just didn't gain 50 pounds one day and your husband noticed and finally said something. Knowing that your husband preferred you at your starting weight, and knowing that you were picking up weight and he was voicing his concern, why would you believe that he should be okay with a 50 pound weight gain and just love you as is, when you knew what it was from the jump?
Your weight wouldn't be problematic IMO if you hadn't mentioned needing girdles and shapers and being previously very thin. This is no offense to you but I have a friend that was bone thin and she gained a lot of weight and was excited because she was finally thick with a big butt, and like you she's black. The only problem? It doesn't look right on her. She has always been thin and genetically the way her frame is and her body, she looked better thin and healthier, she does not look good with the extra weight. Similarly I'm a thick girl and when I lost weight and got too small I did not look right. My body frame and structure looks better with meat. The fact that you need girdles and what not means you most likely have a gut and/or love handles. So you probably should lose weight.
The reality is that your numbers sound fine if you were an average woman BUT your past weight history indicates that you carry your weight differently and that you have a small frame. Your frame cannot and should not carry too much excess weight because it is unhealthy.
For reference my mom was your height and she weighed between 100-110 most of her life but she was very muscular and lean, and had a12% body fat. By the time she was 50, she gained 10 pounds and was up to 17% body fat. With that 10 pound weight gain she looked fine, but if she would have gained 30 more pounds? My mom would have looked fat. And according to the charts she would be average but in real life the way she carries weight and her structure is not one where she can get away with being 150 at her height.
I have a feeling that your in the same boat. I don't think you should lose 50 pounds but I think perhaps half of that amount would be a good compromise.
I'm not sure how much I weigh these days because I don't get on the scale but my size is a 6 and I'm 5ft2 and have an hourglass/pear shape with a large body frame based on my wrist and hands. When I got under a size 4 I looked like a straight up bobblehead. And yet as a short person it's usually the norm if your thin to wear a smaller size, but for me because of how I'm built I did not look right. So it really is individual. No two bodies are alike. But if it was my man I would do my best to keep my body fit and in shape because I would want him to do the same. I value physical appearance because it conveys how someone feels about themselves. If your letting yourself go(and 50 pounds is a big deal) your husband is not a bad person for calling you out on it. He could be nicer sure, but the idea that you can get fat or stop taking care of yourself to the best of your abilities because he needs to just love you is sort of foolish. He's a human being which means he's imperfect and he can't shut off what he's feeling when he sees you no matter how much he loves you.
I think you should work on your weight.
I'm a black woman btw, and I'm not thin, I do have a big butt, and I know that thinner black girls often get treated differently by the men who tend to like thicker girls. I've seen it happen so I believe you about your awkward skinny years and how you feel good to finally be thicker. The thing is there's a difference between being thick but healthy active and in shape versus being thick with rolls, love handles and a gut. I don't need girdles or shapers ever and I don't have a gut. But I know many thick women that are like you and the truth is that a lot of the time unclothed(at the beach or water park) they do look visibly overweight and unhealthy. I think your husband is being brutally honest with you in saying that you look better smaller and it sounds like whether you do or not, you certainly would be healthier if you tried to work on losing weight.. So why not give it a shot?
Yes, my husband has mentioned over the years that I was beginning to put on weight, however, I liked the way I looked. The more I put on the less sex we had. Now we only have sex about once every 3 or 4 months now. He told me the other day that he still loved me but he just didn't find me attractive. He came with this BS about men being visual creatures. Husbands should love wives regardless of how they look. He said that if I initiate more maybe we'd have more sex. I feel that with that statement he doesn't desire me but will sex me if I make the first move. Sort of made me feel like a drunk girl at last call. He'll do anything as long as she's willing. But where's the desire?
Stop focusing on what you where when you met one another, That's not the reality of today.
Deal with what you have in this moment.
That's your first step.
Love and physical attractions are not mutually exclusive. The idea they are is an "eye of the beholder" philosophy that does not apply here, you know already know he does not feel the same about love and looks blinding out one another as you do.
You need to accept that is how he feels and not place your feelings as being the definitive line on where everything is drawn and measured.
That's your second step.
Stop assuming and start talking and listening to what each other is actually saying, not how you want to interpret the words being said.
Step three.
Get on board with these and then start to focus where the passion has gone to. It may not even be related to just looks, It may go deeper than skin deep.
Last edited by rego00123; 10-16-2015 at 03:17 PM..
I didn't state he did or didn't help or hinder. It was a suggestion. She also stated he gained weight too. I can offer up 2 things that will make you lose weight without starving yourself & binge eating. Drink only water. No cokes, pepsi or other preferences including alcohol and stop that bowl of cereal every night before bed. After 13 years of marriage both of you should, not saying you don't, treat each other with respect and love. I've been married 40 years, I'm offering things I know works and if OH -Eve likes to mince words & pick op apart. Don't listen to fools. oops did I just say that?
She's no fool she's actually quite knowledgeable on a good few subjects.
But yes drinking waters great if you want to keep him up all night OP ........ By running to the toilet every 30 mins
As others have said, loving you is one thing. Being attracted to you is another. There are many men who simply are not attracted to overweight women, or even are attracted to only thinner women (as there are those who are attracted to overweight women and turned off by thinner women). It is what it is and he cannot choose to be attracted to certain traits. You have a choice to make.
She's no fool she's actually quite knowledgeable on a good few subjects.
But yes drinking waters great if you want to keep him up all night OP ........ By running to the toilet every 30 mins
I drink nothing but water all day & I don't get up all night. I go before I go to bed, then when I get up. DUH
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