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My wife and I were host parents to children from Ukraine over a period of seven years. During that time we formed a close friendship with one of the escorts and interpreters. She stayed at our house several times when she was a high school and university student. Her mother died before she visited us the first time - only a month before. My wife, who also lost her mother at a young age bonded very strongly with this girl and she attached to my wife. Our children also love her and see Katya as a sort of older sister or cousin.
She has now graduated from a university and has a Masters degree. She is a professional woman and is engaged to be married. She does not have parents. She has an older half sister but she is not maternal towards her.
She and her fiance Dima want us to come and to basically function as the parents of the bride. We are honored by this. And no, they have not asked us for any money, they are paying for the wedding on their own. We offered to buy her wedding gown but she said that it wasn't needed an older relative will make the dress for her and copy a designer gown.
My wife talks to Katya on Skype several times each week. Katya and Dima have invited us to meet his parents at their country home. We are told that it is customary to take a bath - which sounds like a sauna at their country home before the wedding. I think it is called a Dasha.
We have many questions. We love this girl and we want to give her a gift. She does not want one because our presence will be her gift. We still want to give her something. What would be customary as a wedding gift for a person who is not legally a daughter, but is something like a very close niece?
What can we expect when we go to this bath house? Will we be naked? I hate to sound like a puritanical American. If that is the custom, we just want to know in advance.
Our kids will be coming - boy 19 girl 16. She is close to them too and they keep in touch through Facebook. Should each of them take a gift?
What about attire? Is there anything that we should or should not wear? The reception is going to be held at a restaurant catering type place. There is no church ceremony because Katya is worried that it may not work out so she is having a civil ceremony. I guess it is something that is Russian Orthodox. She is afraid of divorce and will get a blessing from a priest after the wedding if it works out.
All of this is very different for us. We really don't know what to expect. I also know that she is very superstitious. We don't know if there is any gift we should not give or a bad color to wear.
She has joked that if she was having a really traditional wedding that Dima would wash my wifes legs in vodka but she isn't doing this because she wants a more sophisticated wedding.
Are there any other things that we should know? How long does this celebration last? It sounds a lot longer than the American 2 or 3 hours. Please tell us what to expect.
Also, do I need to wear a tuxedo or just a regular suit?
Is there anyone here who could help us about wedding customs in Ukraine?
Hmm...
I suspect that maybe our resident Ukrainians here do not understand your post too well?
( That's the only explanation I can find why they are not commenting so far. )
So let's try to figure out a few things, following the common sense.
1. Banya ( that's what it's called, and I assume that's what you mean talking about the "bath house.")
Traditionally banya has men's and women's rooms separately, and yes, people do get naked there, because the idea behind it, traditionally - well, washing yourself, with a lot of steam ( hot water poured on hot rocks,) water, soap and...special kind of brooms - ( don't ask ) that people whip each other with ( per request) that mostly serves as a good remedy for better blood circulation.
But keep in mind - this is all traditional banya. Ukranians however ( as much as Russians) treat banya in terms of sauna as well - meaning for having good times and socializing. So there the rules might be somewhat different, and that's what it more sounds like in this particular case.
So... if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about "being puritanical Americans" - just figure out what's going on around and make your own choices. If you want to remain in bathing suit while everybody is naked in the washroom - I don't think anyone will care.
2. As far as gift goes - don't worry too much about being "customary" here ( are you all that "customary" as surrogate parents? Bring them what you feel comfortable with - something nice for their future household I'd guess. If your kids want to make them gifts - that's nice too. ( I mean if you were going as a family to someone's wedding here in the US - would you all make few gifts separately or one gift as a family?)
3. I think that suit would be fine, no need to tuxedo, but we always can ask Ukrainians here about this particular detail, as much as about local superstitions.
4. Yes, I suspect that wedding ( unofficial part of it at least) would last much longer in Ukraine than in the US; traditionally big events are celebrated to no end ( all night long at least), and wedding is one of them.
I hope this helps a bit, so...a good question to ask - when are you going?
PS. And where is the wedding? What city/part of Ukraine - just to have a better idea...
First, I need to thank you for responding. We really love this girl and we don't want to look like idiots in front of her family and in laws. We picked up that the Banya thing was an honor. While we were on skype with her, her boyfriend who does not know English spoke to her in Russian.
Her eyes became wide and she was smiling as she said "Dima wants you both to have honor of meeting his parents before wedding! He wishes to invite you both to ....hmmmm...go to the bathroom with his parents at their country house" We were at first pretty freaked out!
OK, we were relieved to find that this was not a custom of actually "going to the bathroom" in the colloquial way that this phrase is used in the US, and we are aware of the custom of visiting the Banya - we saw many bath houses on the streets of Ukraine and we also saw this in a movie set in Russia called "Burnt By the Sun"
You asked where the wedding will be and that's a good question. It will be in Kiev. At what looks comparable to an American catering place or large restaurant. It looks typical of places that have wedding receptions in the US - perhaps a bit more over the top - many mirrors, fountains, gilded chairs and enormous chandeliers. They have a web site.
These particular Ukrainian people think of themselves more as Russians that Ukrainians and their first language is Russian. For official business they speak Ukrainian, but socially it is Russian.
As far as a gift is concerned we are all the more confused because the situation is not usual at all and the cultures are quite different.
In the US, I would likely give money - perhaps $300. I have not been to a wedding since the late 90s and we are originally from NY so that might seem high or low.
Although she does not want a gift - or says she doesn't we want to give her something. We will not be staying at a hotel, but at their flat so that is an expense we won't incur. They are going to a hotel the night of the wedding and the second night. We really feel that she needs and wants us to be there and we want to be their
I know that although she is very well educated, she is very superstitious and strangely Religious yet secular. This is not unlike other Ukrainians that we have met. She speaks to dead people, believes in ghosts and demons, thinks that people curse each other and has a superstition about gifts. Actually many of them.
Since we will be visiting the groom's parents at their dasha, we will need to take a gift to them as well. We don't know what to take. I am sure that they like Vodka but it is not exactly a treat in Ukraine. Should we take them something American?
We defiantly got the drift that this is not a 2 or 3 hour wedding. The reception part.
My wife is a vegetarian. Will this be a problem? Is there something that they always serve at weddings? The times we visited Ukraine we had no trouble finding meat free meals.
I have googled Ukrainian weddings but not much has come up.
So you are saying that each teenager should take a gift or what about one gift from the two of them and money from us? I was trying to think of something that is American as a gift but both my wife and I are drawing a blank. We were thinking about crystal wine glasses because she likes wine but every good brand of glass that we thought of is European. Appliances are out of the question obviously.
Anu help that you can give would be greatly appreciated.
I attempted to give you rep for your response but apparently I need to spread some around before I give it to you, so I owe you.
After I read the first message I was shocked. Joint visit of a sauna it not the Ukrainian tradition, and silly desire to get acquainted closer. It can be passed with success having referred to the raised blood pressure. All the rest too seems to me not Ukrainian, but family tradition of a separate family. In general they remind me religion sectarians (sorry, but its true).
Now I will tell as there takes place a normal Ukrainian wedding - the groom with the bride append the signature in a registry office in the presence of witnesses (you), ride in significant places of the city further and assign flowers. After it all go to restaurant, drink and dance so much, the restaurant usually ordered for the morning.
There is a silly tradition of "kidnapping of the bride". Friends of the groom take away the bride, and then back for small repayment (money or a vodka/whiski box). You have the right not to participate in it, these are problems of the groom.
Hi Wadym! I am the wife. I spoke to Katya last night and that is the invitation to go to Dina's parent's country house before the wedding so that we can get to know them. She has no parents.
She is Orthodox but chooses not to have a blessing now in case it does not work out. My guess is that divorce may be frowned upon? I'm not sure.
Yes she sent me a link to a Youtube video of the civil service with a magistrate and there is a time when the bride and groom sign a registry and then they bow to other people. She called this the exit ceremony. I have never heard of this.
I have heard of the kidnap and ransom custom but Katya does not want this because she thinks it is too much like what people in small villages do. It's not sophisticated enough.
She calls the women who do this "Hutzulka" and it seems to be what we would call in America a hick, hillbilly or a peasant. She has disdain for the Hutzulka woman for some reason.
What do you think that we should give as a gift? Because I met her when she was only 18 and her mother died the week before she came to my house, she attached very closely to me and I to her.She is like family.
I don't know what you mean about the "religion sectarians"? She is actually religious in her own way. She thought that the guest room in my house had an evil spirit inside. I admit it is a strange room and no one wants to be there. She sent me Frankincense, holy water, an oil and a wooden box with an icon on it. She bought it at the big cathedral in Kyiv At Andrey.
Why do you not ask the bride what she would like to have as a present from you and your family? Like it or not - cash is always a good thing for a young couple.
Your wife can help herself to side dishes. It may get her a strange look or two but she will be fine.
Make sure you know how to get to her place AND have a key.
Sauna or whatever it is called locally - take a towel:>)
Sheena12
There are spirits to those who believe.
She does not want the church ceremony. Please do not crowd her about that.
The "kidnapping" is a tradition all over Europe. The groom has to pay for his bride. It has roots deep in history. I am guessing as I do not know her. First generation "educated people" often look down on traditions as not sophisticated.
Enjoy the trip, maybe bring her something very personal be it lingerie, a book, ... One thing I have never seen in Europe are quilts. Department stores to LL Bean ... It depends on your budget.
Hi Wadym! I am the wife. I spoke to Katya last night and that is the invitation to go to Dina's parent's country house before the wedding so that we can get to know them. She has no parents.
She is Orthodox but chooses not to have a blessing now in case it does not work out. My guess is that divorce may be frowned upon? I'm not sure.
Yes she sent me a link to a Youtube video of the civil service with a magistrate and there is a time when the bride and groom sign a registry and then they bow to other people. She called this the exit ceremony. I have never heard of this.
I have heard of the kidnap and ransom custom but Katya does not want this because she thinks it is too much like what people in small villages do. It's not sophisticated enough.
She calls the women who do this "Hutzulka" and it seems to be what we would call in America a hick, hillbilly or a peasant. She has disdain for the Hutzulka woman for some reason.
What do you think that we should give as a gift? Because I met her when she was only 18 and her mother died the week before she came to my house, she attached very closely to me and I to her.She is like family.
I don't know what you mean about the "religion sectarians"? She is actually religious in her own way. She thought that the guest room in my house had an evil spirit inside. I admit it is a strange room and no one wants to be there. She sent me Frankincense, holy water, an oil and a wooden box with an icon on it. She bought it at the big cathedral in Kyiv At Andrey.
OK Sheena, I think I am getting a picture.
1.From what I summon from Wadim, money as a gift are acceptable, but in this particular case, since you are close to her, I'd still come up with something more personable; what your husband wrote about a set of nice vine glasses or something within the same line would be very good. ( Don't worry that they are made in Europe - European-made stuff is highly regarded in Moscow, so I assume in Kiev as well. ) Katya sounds as a kind of person who'd appreciate this kind of gift in a good taste.
I'd strongly advise against quilts. I understand that they are something special in the US, but to European taste they look too "gutsulka" ( hillbilly) kind of thing, no matter how expensive they are, LLBean or not.
2. Nice suit will do ( for your husband) no tuxedo required.
3.I'll try to look up a list of Ukranian superstitions, lol, and I'd worry about going to banya later.
(I'm sure you'll figure out the situation, because you know more or less what it's all about and how much reservations you have about it - your hosts will be accomodating, I'm sure.)
First, I need to thank you for responding. We really love this girl and we don't want to look like idiots in front of her family and in laws. We picked up that the Banya thing was an honor. While we were on skype with her, her boyfriend who does not know English spoke to her in Russian.
Her eyes became wide and she was smiling as she said "Dima wants you both to have honor of meeting his parents before wedding! He wishes to invite you both to ....hmmmm...go to the bathroom with his parents at their country house" We were at first pretty freaked out!
OK, we were relieved to find that this was not a custom of actually "going to the bathroom" in the colloquial way that this phrase is used in the US, and we are aware of the custom of visiting the Banya - we saw many bath houses on the streets of Ukraine and we also saw this in a movie set in Russia called "Burnt By the Sun"
You asked where the wedding will be and that's a good question. It will be in Kiev. At what looks comparable to an American catering place or large restaurant. It looks typical of places that have wedding receptions in the US - perhaps a bit more over the top - many mirrors, fountains, gilded chairs and enormous chandeliers. They have a web site.
These particular Ukrainian people think of themselves more as Russians that Ukrainians and their first language is Russian. For official business they speak Ukrainian, but socially it is Russian.
As far as a gift is concerned we are all the more confused because the situation is not usual at all and the cultures are quite different.
In the US, I would likely give money - perhaps $300. I have not been to a wedding since the late 90s and we are originally from NY so that might seem high or low.
Although she does not want a gift - or says she doesn't we want to give her something. We will not be staying at a hotel, but at their flat so that is an expense we won't incur. They are going to a hotel the night of the wedding and the second night. We really feel that she needs and wants us to be there and we want to be their
I know that although she is very well educated, she is very superstitious and strangely Religious yet secular. This is not unlike other Ukrainians that we have met. She speaks to dead people, believes in ghosts and demons, thinks that people curse each other and has a superstition about gifts. Actually many of them.
Since we will be visiting the groom's parents at their dasha, we will need to take a gift to them as well. We don't know what to take. I am sure that they like Vodka but it is not exactly a treat in Ukraine. Should we take them something American?
We defiantly got the drift that this is not a 2 or 3 hour wedding. The reception part.
My wife is a vegetarian. Will this be a problem? Is there something that they always serve at weddings? The times we visited Ukraine we had no trouble finding meat free meals.
I have googled Ukrainian weddings but not much has come up.
So you are saying that each teenager should take a gift or what about one gift from the two of them and money from us? I was trying to think of something that is American as a gift but both my wife and I are drawing a blank. We were thinking about crystal wine glasses because she likes wine but every good brand of glass that we thought of is European. Appliances are out of the question obviously.
Anu help that you can give would be greatly appreciated.
I attempted to give you rep for your response but apparently I need to spread some around before I give it to you, so I owe you.
W-Z
Nothing to thank for, I hope you'll get more feedback on this thread.
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) that people whip each other with ( per request) that mostly serves as a good remedy for better blood circulation.
