Giving up – or growing out of – your "dream city" (relocating, jobs)
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I grew up in a small town in Illinois. My parents took us on a trip to DC twice, once when I was maybe 10 years old, the next when I was 16. I fell in love at age 10, and decided I wanted to live there. I loved the city environment – I can’t explain all of it, I just really felt I clicked there.
When I was 18, I left Small Town, IL and moved to Hampton Roads area of Virginia. I wanted to get away from home, already had some friends there – decided to head out and find myself, all that stuff. I don’t mind the area, but throughout my 20s I always looked at DC as my dream city. I visited from time to time (it’s only about 3 hours from here), but I was trying to finish college before I moved anywhere, which took me 7 years since I was already working full time.
When I was 26, I became friends with a girl who lived in DC. Not the suburbs, like IN the city. Dupont Circle. I would go up and visit her, and while she was living the EXACT life I had wanted for so long, the appeal of it was starting to wane for me. The whole single girl in the city, with friends who seem completely enamored with themselves simply because they live in the city, all the while every last one of them in debt and broke because of their lifestyle and the high cost of living – that was my DREAM LIFE at one point.
Now, four months into age 30 – that just doesn’t appeal to me as much. And I feel like a loser because of it. WHY? It’s not that I’m afraid to take a risk and go live in the “big city” or something. It just isn’t all that appealing anymore. Which actually kind of sucks, because in my career field, that’s where most of the jobs are. There are jobs everywhere, but they are definitely concentrated in that area and easier to find in NoVA/DC/MD.
I still love DC, but I don’t think I want to live there at this point. Even (or especially in) the suburbs. And for some reason I feel like in growing out of this dream, I am “giving up.” Like I’m losing that girl in my 20s who aspired to this city, and the career that (might) come with it, and the excitement of being on my own in a new place, etc. Like I’m losing my fire or something. I know that probably sounds stupid – it does to me – I’m just curious if anyone else can relate. It’s almost like I feel I should have had this experience before letting it go and moving on (like my friend and former DC resident now has), but I never had it in the first place, so I missed out. Am I crazy? Or is this just part of some “I just turned 30” life crisis?
No, I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to live now in a place that you wanted to live when in your 20's. For many of us as we go through life, our interests change, and our ideal lifestyle changes as well. I am in my 40's and what I valued in my 20's I do not value as much today. I also value other things in life today that I did not care for in my 20's. I believe we can enjoy and appreciate the different things in life as we go through the different stages in our lives. For example, in my early 20's I valued going out to the bars and clubs and meeting different women. I would sometimes go out drinking at bars or clubs 2-3 days a week. That lifestyle did not appeal to me anymore by the time I was in my mid-late 20's. Heck, if I drink 2-3 days a month now it is a lot. Also, many of those folks (not all obviously) that continue to live that lifestyle in the big cities into their 40's paying high rent, no savings, and in debt, end up regretting it later in life when they are broke, and do not have a home of their own. Therefore, some of those people are forced to work near retirement, still pay rent, and possibly settle for crap at work and a lower quality of life in their later years due to poor planning and/or prioritizing an expensive lifestyle earlier in life.
Small world OP, Ive actually lived most of my life on the southside of Hampton Roads.
Anyhow, I always wanted to move to NYC. Most of my favorite sports teams are there, its the most vibrant city for my degree field, and it always seemed to be so cool in all the movies. Then I got sick, ended up hanging around Hampton Roads after college, and just settled in.
About 3 years ago I visited NYC for the very first time. It was really awesome, one of the most awesome places Ive ever seen, and I went there one additional time. But, reality set in......Im almost 31 years old, I cant afford a house in Hampton Roads....Id never be able to afford one in NYC. Im almost 31 years old, do I really want to pay rent for decades more? Im almost 31 years old.....do I really want to start over? Also, I changed. Being in lots of people, and being where its at....its not as appealing to me anymore. Im more concerned about having enough land to sustain a small farm and tax rates at this point in my life.
If I would have been ok, and went there in my early 20's, would I regret it? Probably not, as long as I still ended up meeting my wife, but now in my 30's...I think its just a fond thing that never happened, and the time for it has passed. Ill still visit when I can, Ill still watch shows or movies with NYC as a backdrop in amazement, and watch NYC documentaries in wonder......but thats likely where the dream ends.
In the late 70s we wanted nothing more than to live in downtown Chicago. Even found a condo/apt at the John Hancock Building. Job did not develop and we ended up staying in Indy. Over time, I have found that Chicago is too much of a city for me. I need a slower pace and a quieter life. It also became a much more expensive place to live and we are financially better off by having stayed in Indy.
At one point, I also wanted either a second home or a farm type property. Now 30 years later, I dont want the work. I dont have the passion to put in the hours of work it would take.
I agree. Go where you feel you would be the most happy. When I moved to Portland OR in the late 70's it was not my dream city but it was very different from Chicago where I was born and raised and I was looking for something different. It took a while to get used to but I did it.
I was happy for a long time. But about ten years or so I kind of began to see changes that were just not things that I felt comfortable with. But I was changing too. Small things. Now I feel that the city has changed so much I hardly recognize it. I feel I don't really belong as I once did.
I think a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, "If I were living elsewhere and wanted to move today, would I move here?" For me the answer would be a definite "No!"
So the OP might want to ask the same question and if the answer is "somewhere else" it is pretty certain that relocating is a good idea. Not crazy at all.
Got over it quickly after spending four years there while serving in the Marine Corps. Oh- it has great weather, plenty to do, places to see- an EXCELLENT place if you're wealthy. But what middle class family in their right minds wants to shell out 50% or more of their income over 30 years for a $350,000 piece of 1,600 sq. foot stucco suburbia hell?
It could be a little bit of a "just turned 30 crisis" but I think you're maturing and seeing that the place isn't all it's cracked up to be. You probably had a bit of a romanticized view of it and now you're seeing reality. I grew up in Montana where the majority of the residents have a romanticized view of the state. I knew I was going to stay there after college. I did for one year and those rose-colored glasses came off pretty quick. It didn't take long for that little dream to go away and I'm doing much better now.
I think a lot of people, especially younger people tend to think that where they live has a lot to do with 'who' they are. Living someplace 'cool' somehow elevates their status and makes them cool too. I think that for most people as they get older they realize that is just not true. Where they live becomes less important than how they live.
Location: ๏̯͡๏﴿ Gwinnett-That's a Civil Matter-County
2,118 posts, read 6,376,611 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rumble
Coastal California.
Got over it quickly after spending four years there while serving in the Marine Corps. Oh- it has great weather, plenty to do, places to see- an EXCELLENT place if you're wealthy. But what middle class family in their right minds wants to shell out 50% or more of their income over 30 years for a $350,000 piece of 1,600 sq. foot stucco suburbia hell?
It's posts like this and Minervah's post that make me feel better about not living in my dream city!
Rep points to you both.
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