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This forum always seems full of good advice, so I thought I would see what you all thought. Here's the situation in a nutshell:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, and he moved to Louisville about a year ago for a job offer that he felt he had to take at the time (he was probably right). In the meantime, I stayed in Chicago.
The past year has been difficult for him. He hasn't really made any friends down there, and he comes up here to visit a lot. He puts in lots of effort to make sure that the relationship works. Unfortunately, he is really depressed right now. I think it's a combination of circumstance and chemical depression. He is treating the problem with medication and therapy, which is great.
He's going to be offered a position with his company in Miami tomorrow, and I am concerned that he sees moving to Miami as a fix to his problems. I have serious reservations about moving down there when the economy is so bad, but primarily I am concerned about not having a support system down there. I am afraid it would be very bad for our relationship.
I think our relationship would be much better if he moved back to Chicago, a city he and I both love, where we have friends and things to do that we enjoy. The problem is that he thinks I am unwilling to do anything to take the relationship to the next level. His attitude is that I am willing to move forward with him but only if he moves back to Chicago. My contention is that I am willing to move forward, but I want us to be in a situation that is sure to be good for us. Clearly, the last move he made didn't work out all that well.
Do you think it's possible that his depression is interfering with his ability to think clearly about this decision? Am I wrong when I tell him that his unhappiness would follow him from Louisville to Miami?
Thanks in advance for any and all advice.
Last edited by Giddified; 04-08-2009 at 02:49 PM..
I guess I don't understand if there are no jobs for him available in Chicago, or he doesn't want to live in Chicago, period?
A combination of depression, moving, stress, and loneliness is forever seared in my memory as a tragic story of my friend. Feel free to NOT read it if you don't feel like it.
......
They were married for 9 years and just had a baby (the older daughter was 7 years old). The husband was studying for a MD qualification exam for 10 hours a day every day, at home. His MD degree was from another country, and he wanted to be qualified to work in Canada. So he passed the exam. Then there was supposed to be a period of internship, and of all places he (or they both) chose NYC. So he went to work there. (She and the kids stayed back in British Columbia). He worked up to 36 hours shifts, sounded tired when he called, but it was expected. She said she and her parents didn't notice signs of depression since he was doing those kinds of shifts in an apparently busy hospital. He visited back for holidays. One Christmas, he came back, the baby was only 6 months old or so. He went out shopping, the next thing my friend knows police is knocking on her door. They took her to a multi-level parking lot that he jumped down from, and showed her the note he left for her. The note said that he trusted she would raise their kids good citizens...
Of course my friend went through all kinds of feelings - guilt, outrage, incredulity, but one thing that she regretted was - that they should have stayed together - either in BC, or in NYC.
Well, I know he's not suicidal. As I said, he is treating the problem (admittedly things are still rough b/c he's at the beginning of the treatment, but it can be expected to improve). He's very open with me about these things, and I stay on top of asking him how he's doing.
Regarding Chicago, he wants to live here. He's from the Chicago area and misses the city and his sports teams (not something I would personally care about, but hey, everybody's got their thing). He just feels like Miami might be the best job opportunity for him career-wise, especially with the economy the way it is right now. He's afraid it might take him forever to find a job up here. I, however, believe that he will be able to find work in Chicago. It's a city of 3 million people - how can there not be a job? It might take a while, but it would work out at some point for sure.
I just think he wants to leave Louisville so badly that he's willing to consider this move to Miami. He also keeps saying that he worries about passing up a good job offer if there is any uncertainty that he and I might not work out. I've said that as long as his depression is under control and he makes improvements over a period of time that I don't see any reason why this wouldn't work out perfectly.
Location: Greater Los Angeles area (unfortunately)
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This is a tough question!
I think he's slightly right in being concerned about finding a job right now. What about a compromise? Maybe he can take the Miami job, save up enough money to cover about six months of expenses, and then move back to Chicago and live off the saved cash until he finds something else.
What, to you, is the difference of Louisville versus Miami? Is there any? I know you want him to move to Chicago but if that wasn't an option, would you still be against the Miami move?
I think he's slightly right in being concerned about finding a job right now. What about a compromise? Maybe he can take the Miami job, save up enough money to cover about six months of expenses, and then move back to Chicago and live off the saved cash until he finds something else.
What, to you, is the difference of Louisville versus Miami? Is there any? I know you want him to move to Chicago but if that wasn't an option, would you still be against the Miami move?
Yes, I agree that his concerns about the Chicago market are warranted, but there is a critical difference between Miami and Louisville. He was given relocation expenses to move to Louisville, as he would be for Miami. There is a caveat: if he moves prior to 1 year on the job, he is required to pay these back to the company. At this point, he can leave Louisville free and clear, but if he were to go to Miami, he would be stuck there for a year b/c he would obviously need to use that money to relocate.
Regarding the difference to me, yes, it would be big. As it is right now, I see him about every other week. This is because it is relatively inexpensive to drive from Louisville to Chi-town. Flights are expensive, and we would see each other significantly less if he were down there.
These are some of the reasons I'm in favor of him just trying to come up here and making the best of it while he's still in KY.
Location: Greater Los Angeles area (unfortunately)
177 posts, read 757,751 times
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Ah, I see. This changes my answer a bit...
I don't think he should commit to anything, esp for a year, if he's in a tough place mentally. It's too much pressure added on, and I'm sure it would be much harder not seeing you as frequently.
Is the option to stay in Louisville still there? Or is it basically Miami or nothing? Maybe he could stay in Louisville for the time being while looking for a job up in Chicago...
Yes, we believe he can still keep his job in Louisville if he turns down the Miami thing. I just hope he doesn't feel like Miami is an escape from an unhappy life in Louisville. I think the unhappiness he feels internally will follow him anywhere, including Chicago. This is why treatment is so vital, and I'm glad he's getting it. The question of the Miami job comes unfortunately at a time when I'm not sure how able he is to evaluate these things rationally and from a good place in his head.
First of all, I think you're boyfriend is very lucky to have you. This situation must be tough on you as well as him, but you're logical about it in addition to being empathetic to his situation.
I've suffered from mild depression, and I know the pitfalls of seeking a quick fix in hopes of feeling better. You're right--it's difficult to make a rational decision for the best when the heavy cloud of depression is hanging over your head.
I've also been in a couple of long-distance relationships, one a marriage and the other an engagement, and both failed. It's just so hard to make those work for such a long period of time, at least for me it was.
Is it feasible for you to move to Miami? Not that you should, but perhaps you could make a pact. He'll look for a job in Chicago while you look for a job in Miami or Kentucky. Whichever of you finds a job first will move to be with the other.
My family is contemplating a move for a job offer, and it's a very difficult call. Fortunately, my husband, two daughters and I will together whether it's here or there, though there will be no other family around if we do move. That will be difficult for us because here in Memphis we have most of our parents, all of our siblings and their spouses, all of our nieces and nephews (and our children's frequent playmates) and a lifetime of friendships. But at least I'll have my immediate family with me. I can't imagine being alone in a city with no family members or your significant other and few if any friends.
In short, maybe you should work on letting him know that the most important thing is for the two of you to be together, and that the rest will work itself out. If he moves to Miami, it will be at least two years of a long-distance relationship, which will possibly make his depression worse. It will likely be even more difficult for the two of you to travel to see each other, and his feelings of loneliness will grow deeper.
Miami is not the place to move if you suffer from any kind of depression. I'll repeat that 1,000,000 times, if it helps?
This is a very tough place to live. People are very caustic, superficial and shallow, drivers are horrible and there's no "escape" here, as even if you drive 100 miles out of Miami, you're still in flat, overdeveloped South Florida.
Personally i feel that the job should be second on the list of worries. His health and mental stability is the most important. If he loves Chicago and thats where you are at....then that should be the most important right now. Sorry folks, i know that jobs are important and i totally agree. However, if they are looking at this job for the money, and letting his emotional state go down hill because of it, then its not worth it.
Life is too short. sure the economy is in the toilet and money is needed. But happiness is what you need to get through this economy.
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This situation must be tough on you as well as him, but you're logical about it in addition to being empathetic to his situation.
