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Your daughter is creating a monster. This is a tough one, because it creates a situation where you bond more closely with one child than the other. I think the thing that bothers me the most is how your daughter is undermining YOU in front of the kids. Then apparently, she wants you to watch them sometimes, right? Uhhhhh, not good.
I think you need to sit down one on one with your daughter, who I am sure you love deeply, and just level with her - AWAY from the kids. I have a feeling she may get pretty emotional if you do this gently and lovingly. Don't accuse her of anything - just tell her YOUR fears and feelings, and reach out to her. She's not in an easy spot in her life right now. Maybe she will be so grateful for your love and your offers to help, that she actually listens.
I have a very strong willed and opinionated oldest daughter. Sometimes I don't agree with some of her parenting choices, though I love her dearly and am proud of most of her decisions when it comes to being a mother. I praise her good choices often, and sincerely. This helps when I feel the need to gently share my opinion on something I've noticed. When I approach it this way, she's often very receptive.
She is compensating for her husband being overseas it seems.
I think you should have someone other than yourself talk to her. Take away that competition she seems to be feeling, and her anger, defensiveness. If you have a good mutual friend...some research, a good parenting book, your pastor...someone or something to help intercede.
That, or stop babysitting so regularly. If she has to do a bit more for herself, your caring and help will be more appreciated.
If my daughter had embarassed me to that degree...She wouldn't be getting free babysitting at all.
You are not a bad or a mean GrandMa....You are obviously intelligent in recognising that her behavior is messing up this little guy...and by the time she realizes how she is spoiling him..it will be too late.
I wish you luck on this...Must be hard to stand by and see her mess up for your grandkids sake.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
I have two grandkids whom I adore: a 4 year old granddaughter and a 20-month-old grandson. My granddaughter and I are very close, her & her mother lived with us as she was growing up but she married a wonderful man who accepts her as his own and we love him to death. He is now in Afghanistan so we help our daughter out whenever we can, and that means I keep them every so often.
The problem is the grandson. And he's not really the problem, maybe I am, I don't know, that's why I'm here.
My daughter coddles him constantly, so he is always crying when she leaves his sight. If he falls down, she picks him up. If he wants the toy my granddaughter is playing with, Mommy gets it and gives it to him. None of this is terrible but the worst is his begging for food. He gets his meal in his high chair while the rest of us eat our meals. But then he holds out his hands and screams, and she takes food of our plates and gives it to him.
We were at my granddaughter's birthday party at a pizza joint, and I was eating my one slice of pizza, and the baby was on the floor in the middle of a bunch of other kids, since he had just finished his pizza, and he started holding out his hand and screaming for my pizza, and my daughter yelled at me to give it to him. I took another bite, and she came over & snatched it out of my hand and gave it to him.
She does this at home and in restaurants. I've gotten to the point where I won't even go to a restaurant with her if she has him, because as soon as we sit down, he sees other people eating and he's got his hand out, screaming. She'll ask the server for a biscuit or something to tide him over and sometimes they won't do that, so she gets angry and will often get up and leave.
It's not only embarassing but I think this is a terrible habit.
She's gotten to the point where she calls me "the meanie" to him, and he now cries if I go pick him up at day care.
One obvious solution is for you daughter to take a sippy cup with water and a couple of crackers with her when you go out to eat. She can set those down immediately and head off the whining and screaming. Then if he wants what someone else has she can say, "That belongs to Grandma. These are yours." She doesn't have to feel like she's depriving him and she can start to teach him some table manners.
As others have said, the taking of food off of someone else's plate is way out of line.
One obvious solution is for you daughter to take a sippy cup with water and a couple of crackers with her when you go out to eat. She can set those down immediately and head off the whining and screaming. Then if he wants what someone else has she can say, "That belongs to Grandma. These are yours." She doesn't have to feel like she's depriving him and she can start to teach him some table manners.
As others have said, the taking of food off of someone else's plate is way out of line.
Good Advice.
Although the behavior seems pretty mild now, I have seen three year old children (of normal intelligence) where the parents have allowed this behavior. The child thinks that all of the food that they see belongs to them. When kids would be eating snacks at school or day care the child would just grab whatever he wanted from other kids plates or right out of their hands. Or they would take food off of strangers plates in restaurants as well as off of family members plates.
The worst case was when one of my preschool age students was banned from a grocery store as he would just open the doors of the bakery display and grab and eat all of the cookies & donuts. Even the ones that he didn't eat he would grab with his hands or take a bite out of and just put them back or then throw them on the floor.
His mother did not even try to stop him (because he would cry and scream) just paid for all of the ruined and eaten food. The store had so many complaints that they had to ban her from bringing him along. BTW The mom still didn't understand the problemand thought that the grocery store was wrong. She told me that since she paid for all of the cookies & donuts she didn't understand why the store wouldn't let him do that "since he enjoyed it so much". AARRRGGGG!
One of the other teachers in my school actually witnessed this happening in the store and she was horrified. She said that the child just opened the glass doors to the "serve yourself" bakery shelves and leaned against the food and just started stuffing his mouth and grabbing & throwing anything that he didn't like to the floor. The witness immediately went to report it to a store clerk and by the time that she got back the child had damaged/eaten/thrown "dozens of donuts and other foods and the floor and shelves and other food items were just covered in a sticky mess."
I'm not saying that will happento your grandson but that it could happen.
What would your daughter do if you made obviously fake crying noises and took her favorite piece of pie or entree away from her? Would she see how that was wrong?
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-11-2013 at 11:05 AM..
No you are not a meany. You are probably the only sane one in this situation, lol. (sorry, dry humor aside). Sounds like your daughter is in the process of creating a brat (at 20mths there is still time to turn the tides hopefully!) Either that or he will be Momma's boy for life. Good luck either way. No advice, but empathy.
My nephew had ADHD and it was difficult for him to wait for food at a sit down restaurant. The very simple solution was for the parents & other relatives to take turns walking with him outside of the restaurant or wait in the car with him while they were waiting for the food to come. As he got older they increased his wait time at the table, sometimes with crackers or bread, and he soon grew out of the problem.
I suspect that allowing him to scream & cry and demand food from other people would not have worked as well in the long run.
I talked to her last night and he was screaming the whole time we were on the phone.
He was sitting on the floor as she was doing homework, I asked her what was going on, did he fall down? And she said, "No, he wants me to hold him, he's just going to have to get over it this time."
So she understands his behavior. She just chooses when & how to approach it.
I mentioned packing his diaper bag with snacks since I am picking them up today, and she asked what for, so I said, "Well if I want to take them out for ice cream or to eat, so he doesn't have to wait to be served," She said, "I used to do that but it makes him full so he doesn't eat his dinner." I said, "So? It's a lot better than having other people get their meals ruined hearing him scream." And she got mad. "You're still on about that?" LOL
People have said all the right things about the food issue but I do think you also need to tell her that if she is going to call
You meanie to the kids she is intentionally creating an issue between them
And you and you can't abide that. It's not fair to you or her kids
Aside from the demanding behavior, this kid sounds like he is starving. If you all know he is going to act like a maniac, then feed him before you go to the restaurant so he can act civilized while he is there. Someone needs to TALK to him when he does that and say, "No. We do not scream and jump around. Sit down and be quiet." (Not that he is automatically going to obey the first time, but no one is telling him what you want him to do, so naturally he is just going to do what gets him what he wants.)
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