Is It Appropriate For Grandparents To Punish Grandchildren? (kids, old, grandkids)
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Including corporal punishment? There was an unwritten and unspoken "custom" in my family that only the parents could administer any punishment, even minor punishment like not letting kiddo watch a favorite show. Naturally, the grandparents would squeal to the parents if we screwed up, but no punishment. Were we the exception or is this typical? And while we're at it, what about aunts and uncles administering punishment?
Are the grandparents full or part-time caregivers? If so, then a discussion should be had with the parents to discuss consequences for misbehavior. Nobody should resort to corporal punishment, no matter the relationship.
In my experience, grandparents already think the grandchildren are perfect anyway, so I don't see this as a big issue.
Are the grandparents full or part-time caregivers? If so, then a discussion should be had with the parents to discuss consequences for misbehavior. Nobody should resort to corporal punishment, no matter the relationship.
In my experience, grandparents already think the grandchildren are perfect anyway, so I don't see this as a big issue.
Perhaps I am just old school, but I would fully expect my parents to have disciplined my children when they were younger. If my kids were spending a day or two at the grandparents, they didn't need to wait for me to discipline them. Even if I was around, but not in eye sight of the kids, I would have expected that whatever adult was nearby would have handled some matter that needed to stop. This applied to aunts/uncles also. If a kid started smacking a cousin, the expectation would be that the closest adult (if the parents were not there) would intervene and discipline.
If one of my nieces or nephews was misbehaving I would tell them to stop. Not a big deal. I've even had a few long unsolicited conversations with a niece or two when they were teens. These younger members of my family matter to me (and all of us a lot). We feel a responsibility for them.
Including corporal punishment? There was an unwritten and unspoken "custom" in my family that only the parents could administer any punishment, even minor punishment like not letting kiddo watch a favorite show. Naturally, the grandparents would squeal to the parents if we screwed up, but no punishment. Were we the exception or is this typical? And while we're at it, what about aunts and uncles administering punishment?
I literally had this conversation with my daughter (now 15) just a few minutes ago. She was asking about something she remembered from childhood and I filled her in on the details. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but I usually feel like even the mistakes we (or our parents) make are things we can all learn from.
When dd was 4, her grandparents wanted her to come stay with them for a week. They lived 4 hours away from us. However, my mil insisted that she have the right to spank my daughter. We had talked about this and she knew how I felt about it -- absolutely out of the question. About this time when we were discussing my daughter staying with her, she asked my mil (in front of me) what would happen if she didn't obey grandma. MIL tells DD that grandma would spank her. I didn't feel that it was right to contradict my MIL in front of my daughter, regardless of the situation, so I just kept my mouth shut. Also, my daughter is one of those kids who is a people pleaser and I knew that it was incredibly unlikely that there would be an event needing discipline.
DD went to stay with grandparents. After she had been there a day she called me on the phone sobbing and crying hysterically and insisting that we come get her. It took a while to get the whole story but what had happened was that grandma had given her a fairly delicate necklace to play with and told her to be careful not to break it. She did break, totally by accident, and was so scared that she was going to get a spanking that she flipped out. They brought her home the next morning and that was the end of that. The incident definitely caused a breech between grandparent and grandchild and it was a long time before trust was reestablished.
Personally, relationships with grandparents are supposed to be happy. I just don't get why any grandparent would want to spank their grandchild. I do understand that many grandparents don't like how their grandchildren are being raised and maybe there is behavior that is unacceptable in their home -- this wasn't the case in my family. But, if there are problems like that, a grandparent certainly isn't going to solve it with some power struggle at their house. If there are real issues, there are certainly other more effective ways of dealing with them.
I literally had this conversation with my daughter (now 15) just a few minutes ago. She was asking about something she remembered from childhood and I filled her in on the details. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but I usually feel like even the mistakes we (or our parents) make are things we can all learn from.
When dd was 4, her grandparents wanted her to come stay with them for a week. They lived 4 hours away from us. However, my mil insisted that she have the right to spank my daughter. We had talked about this and she knew how I felt about it -- absolutely out of the question. About this time when we were discussing my daughter staying with her, she asked my mil (in front of me) what would happen if she didn't obey grandma. MIL tells DD that grandma would spank her. I didn't feel that it was right to contradict my MIL in front of my daughter, regardless of the situation, so I just kept my mouth shut. Also, my daughter is one of those kids who is a people pleaser and I knew that it was incredibly unlikely that there would be an event needing discipline.
DD went to stay with grandparents. After she had been there a day she called me on the phone sobbing and crying hysterically and insisting that we come get her. It took a while to get the whole story but what had happened was that grandma had given her a fairly delicate necklace to play with and told her to be careful not to break it. She did break, totally by accident, and was so scared that she was going to get a spanking that she flipped out. They brought her home the next morning and that was the end of that. The incident definitely caused a breech between grandparent and grandchild and it was a long time before trust was reestablished.
Personally, relationships with grandparents are supposed to be happy. I just don't get why any grandparent would want to spank their grandchild. I do understand that many grandparents don't like how their grandchildren are being raised and maybe there is behavior that is unacceptable in their home -- this wasn't the case in my family. But, if there are problems like that, a grandparent certainly isn't going to solve it with some power struggle at their house. If there are real issues, there are certainly other more effective ways of dealing with them.
What adult/grandparent gives a "delicate necklace" to a four year old child to "play with"? Sheesh!
And, what adult/grandparent insists that a four year old should stay with them for a week? Sheesh!
And, what adult/grandparent says that they have the right to spank someone else's child? Sheesh!
A grandparent/caregiver needs to follow the discipline procedures decided by the child's parents.
Including corporal punishment? There was an unwritten and unspoken "custom" in my family that only the parents could administer any punishment, even minor punishment like not letting kiddo watch a favorite show. Naturally, the grandparents would squeal to the parents if we screwed up, but no punishment. Were we the exception or is this typical? And while we're at it, what about aunts and uncles administering punishment?
I agree with you and your approach.
Throughout the years, I've seen two approaches to this topic: the method you described, and the method that "all adults have authority over all children." And I believe the former is better- or, as they'd say these days, "healthier."
When I was growing up, it was clear that my parents made the rules. While I didn't have grandparents, I did have aunts, uncle, much older siblings, wives of brothers, etc., plus neighbors, friends' parents, school. And no one could circumvent my parents' rules, I was expected to go by what my parents said regardless of where I was or with whom.
The only time this was ever a problem was an incident with a brother's wife. She had been raised with the opposite approach. To this day, I remember and appreciate that my parents backed me up- that she didn't have any authority over me despite being much older.
And from what I've seen, the approach like hers does nothing but create unnecessary problems- when "everybody" can set different rules, dole out punishments, etc., kids become confused, and some even play adults against each other.
So it's one of the ways I raised my own kids the way I was raised- "If you have a problem with one of my kids, or want them to do something, come to me about it." I never allowed anyone to have authority over my kids, and I believe it benefited them in the longrun.
Including corporal punishment? There was an unwritten and unspoken "custom" in my family that only the parents could administer any punishment, even minor punishment like not letting kiddo watch a favorite show. Naturally, the grandparents would squeal to the parents if we screwed up, but no punishment. Were we the exception or is this typical? And while we're at it, what about aunts and uncles administering punishment?
I spanked my grandchildren when they were in my home and my daughter wasn't there. I only spanked when they were doing something dangerous and I told them no and they didn't listen. I only had to do it once, per child.
When my daughter came back to pick them up, my grandson tried to do it while his mother was there, and I told him no. He did it anyway. So I said, "Mitch, Grandma spank," and he stopped. My daughter was amazed. "How did you do that?" LOL
My house, my rules. She doesn't have a problem with it, and I have an amazing relationship with my grandkids.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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We didn't spank our kids, we are much less likely to spank the grandkids. About the only discipline we would administer to them is withholding favors, such as no trip to the park until the toys are picked up.
If the children stay with the grandparents, they have a right to punish them. How the punishment is carried out should be between the parents and grandparents. Ground rules need to be established together, and then the child needs to know what will happen when he/she misbehaves at the grandparent's house. This way there is no confusion. If I become a grandparent some day and I can't discipline my grandchildren, they will not stay with me without their parents there.
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