U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-01-2007, 05:33 PM
 
Location: North of The Border
253 posts, read 1,596,908 times
Reputation: 437

Advertisements

I'm 33 and I have never had anyone close to me die. A few distant relatives in other countries that I never saw, a boy I knew in high school...but no one whose loss saddened or affected me.

So what is it like when someone suddenly dies? You see them one day and the next day they are just gone forever. This is probably more traumatic when death comes early and without warning, like a car wreck, suicide, or crime/murder.

I have a 48 yr old friend who has lost 12 friends/accquaintances to suicide over the years, plus several from diseases, car wrecks, etc. Every time I talk to him it seems someone else in his life has died and he's going to another memorial. I've never even been to a funeral.

I have never experienced this, though I know it's inevitable...unless of course I kick it in the very near future.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-01-2007, 05:52 PM
 
Location: Not tied down... maybe later! *rawr*
2,689 posts, read 6,075,185 times
Reputation: 4320
Tough subject.

I have experienced the death of a loved one at a very young age. The first death of a close loved one I experienced was when I was 13. It was my Grandpa whom I loved dearly and was very close to. He had internal bleeding while in the hospital. When they went in to check where the bleeding was coming from, the surgeon's hand slipped and cut a major artery. My Grandpa bleed to death on the operating table. Very unexpected, as just that morning he was doing great, getting ready to leave the hospital.

As I have gotten older, I have experienced more deaths of loved ones than should be right. But the "Hmmm" moment comes when I realize that, at my age, I still didn't have an opinion on the subject of death.


I have had loved ones die very slowly and I have had loved ones die very fast.


The slow deaths are nice, in a way, because you have the time you need to say the things you really want to say to that person. The fast deaths are nice, in a way, because you know that loved one didn't suffer very much.


But the jury is out on my opinion of which I "like" better. I don't realy like either, as I would rather die before any of my loved ones. But if I had to make a choice, I really couldn't.


And the pain of losing a loved one.... it never goes away. It never gets dull. It just gets scabed over and on occasion, that scab is broken open and you realize the pain is still the same.


The saddest part of losing a loved one comes when you can no longer, close your eyes and see their face or hear their voice.

I'd consider myself very blessed, if I were you, that you haven't experienced the death of a close loved one yet. I'd love to be able to say that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2007, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
13,755 posts, read 23,217,198 times
Reputation: 6087
Depends upon the relationship, shock is always the initial reaction. The level of grief depends upon how close you were and the interrelationships you share, a group of folks sometimes lessens or strengthens the loss. You generally do a review of your relationship, and see if you have any unresolved issues or regrets, especially if the last contact was less than pleasant or left unfinished business.

But time does alter the overwhelming initial feelings. You adjust to the new realities and appropriately get on with your life. If the loss is a spouse or child, it frequently takes outside professional help to allow you to transition to acceptance.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2007, 06:02 PM
 
12,983 posts, read 12,572,221 times
Reputation: 19658
The truth is, every time you say good bye to someone-in person, on the phone, whatever, it could be the last time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2007, 06:05 PM
 
Location: Not tied down... maybe later! *rawr*
2,689 posts, read 6,075,185 times
Reputation: 4320
Quote:
Originally Posted by fuzzymystic View Post
The truth is, every time you say good bye to someone-in person, on the phone, whatever, it could be the last time.

Amen to that!

When a friend of mine died, his wife revealed to me that the last thing they'd talked to each other on the phone about had been an argument. I don't wanna go out like that.

Don't wait until "the time is right" to tell people you love how you feel about 'em!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2007, 07:24 PM
 
Location: Twin Cities
3,570 posts, read 7,776,403 times
Reputation: 5973
I believe that it doesn't matter whether you know the person is going to die due to a disease, or they're taken by a car accident...it is still devastating. My MIL went into the hospital the day after Christmas and died 2 weeks later. It was sudden and we didn't know there was anything seriously wrong with her. My wife and I had only been married six years when her mom died.

My MIL was truly a sweet, kind, generous and very loving woman. Oh we had our differences, mostly because we were so much alike. But we loved each other very much and respected one another immensely. She was the mom I had always wished my mom would've been. Nonetheless, the day before she passed I had the opportunity to talk to her on the phone one last time. She was in Montana and we had just moved to Minnesota. My wife was there with her during her last moments in this life. I promised my MIL that I would take good care of her little girl and her grandbabies. I didn't know really what else to say so I said "take care of yourself." then I realized what I said and feeling like and idiot I just said "that was dumb. I really don't know what to say here because I know this is the last time I will get to talk to you. Just know that I love you so very much and will miss you so much. I know you can't "take care of yourself" but I just don't know what else to say. I love you lots.

gnubler you'll never know how you will react or feel until it happens to you and it does depend on who it is in your life and what the relationship is with that person. I do remember all of my grandparents passing and while I was very sad for a few of them the loss I felt when my MIL passed was far greater than any of my grandparents...and I was very, very close to my maternal grandparents. Three and a half years after my MIL's passing it's still tough...and I know it's still tough for my wife. She misses her mom dearly...and her mom was only 61 years old...so it can happen at anytime.

I will end with this. Friday night I was headed to pick up my son. One of the interstates in the Twin Cities had Life Flight parked on the freeway. My daughter and I passed it and began praying for the people who were hurt. We didn't get more than a few hundred feet and were stopped. Another Life Flight was about a mile ahead of us at another accident involving a car and semi...and ironically that is what happend on the opposite side of the road. I'm sharing this because you are never guaranteed your next breath...or the next morning, or getting home or to work. Every moment we have on this earth is precious. Someone you love or know can be gone in the blink of an eye. And the pain you will experience will not be the same as I shared or others share in this thread. You will feel alone in the world at times and no amount of condolences or food brought to your house will make you feel better. Time does heal...but you will always miss those people...especially during the holidays and when the birthdays come around.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2007, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 2,375,648 times
Reputation: 685
Let me tell you about the summer of 1999...

My parents were in their late 70s, my daughter was only three. My parents and my daughter were the martials of the July 4th Parade in our small town in Texas, they rode sitting on the back of the car...my dad with his Cowboy hat on and my Mother all dressed Western as well, my daughter in a dress made of denim with a watermelon for the collar.

Three days later my Father had a heart attack...he got an infection so he had to be stabilized before they could do the triple bypass...after the surgery but before he woke up, my Mother had a heart attack, luckily she got by with the insertion of stints. By the end of August my Father had gone to a recovery facility and had come home to a hospital bed in the den...

My daughter and I went to Wal-Mart and came back by to see him...he seemed fine, of course he had lost alot of weight but who wouldn't being confined to hospital food.
The next morning, he threw a clot, I arrived at the ER to watch them trying to bring him back...I could tell the moniters were only registering the pushing they were doing on his chest...I knew he was gone. My Mother knew he was gone.

I took my Mother home...I couldn't sit still, I cleaned up the living room of all signs that my Father had been convalescing there. I called the medical equipment company so they could come and get the bed and a few other things. I sat down with a list of names, people all over the US to call and inform them of my Fathers death and the date of the funeral. I picked out his favorite suit for him to be buried in, it was hand taylored for him on Saville Row in London, a gorgeous double breasted wool suit.

I knew he was dead...I saw them stop working on him, I saw the moniters go silent but I couldn't wrap my head around it. One of the nurses who knew my family, cut a lock of his hair for me...I sat by him in the funeral home, I touched his hand...to say goodbye but I still couldn't wrap my mind around it. After the funeral my Mother took his wedding band from his finger and gave it too me, I didn't take it off for three years...his hand was cold...

His death was announced in the newspaper on the front page because of his contributions to the small town where I grew up, it was announced on the crawl message at the University on the main road in town...the church was packed for his funeral...even when the bagpiper played its mournful song (My Father was of Scottish heritage), I still couldn't wrap my mind around it. Everyone in town either knew my Father personally or at least knew of him. No one knew what to say when they saw me.

Until I moved away from there, I often would see a grey haired man in the distance and think it was my Father, I used to often see him when I was out and about running errands...then the realization would hit me that my Father was dead and that grey haired man couldn't be him.

Its eight years later and I still have a problem believing it. His cowboy boots and hat sit on an antique chair in my living room, like he has just taken them off and will return any moment to reclaim them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2007, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Pikeville, Ky.
13,459 posts, read 21,199,786 times
Reputation: 17675
One evening about 10 years ago, I was coming from the bathroom. My daughter was sitting in the living room where she could see me. She had a look of fright on her face and was trying to talk, but all she could do was point ar me..I went to her. She said "Mom, did you see it, did you feel it? There was a big black shadow almost surrounding you like it was trying to embrace you" I felt nothing and saw nothing, but knew that something was wrong. One and a half hours later, the phone call came from my sister in Atlanta. She was crying.."Sis, Chas is dead! He hung himself from the balcony" Chas was her first born..A beautiful, warm, compassionate boy, with a problem..He was an addict. He had been in and out of rehab for years and had pulled a drug free tour in the Navy..When he got out, he was pulled back into drugs. He left no suicide note. Just visited his mom before he did it. They sat and talked and watched a program on Tv. He hugged her, told her everything would be okay. Then he went to his apartment, tied a rope to the balcony rail and slipped the noose around his neck and jumped..I drove down to the funeral..My sister placed my hand on his. It was cold..I was overwhelmed with grief for my loss, for my sisters loss, and for all the parents who have lost their children to the evils of drugs. The last time I talked to Chas, was 6 months before, when he and his mom came to visit my daughter who was suffering from Hodgkins disease. He wanted to stay , but had to get back to school. I wish he had stayed with us.

Last edited by Miss Blue; 07-01-2007 at 09:16 PM.. Reason: add content
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2007, 10:58 PM
 
Location: Not tied down... maybe later! *rawr*
2,689 posts, read 6,075,185 times
Reputation: 4320
Wow... such intense stories! RIP to everyone. http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y164/canibeyou/2pray.gif (broken link)

gnubler.. I'll let you in on something no one ever told me about, when someone you loves passes away... the fact that the world doesn't stop and everyone notice that someone that was important to you has just had their homegoing. When my Grandpa passed away, on the way to his uneral, we stopped at a McDonald's. I wasn't the least bit hungry, but you have to eat. Well, sitting there, watching everyone laughing, eating, talking, acting like nothing was wrong, infuriated me. I was so angered that no one else seemed to care that someone I loved so much was no longer gonna be around.

I never understood until I lost someone special how "cruel" life can be that way. That was a bitter lesson to learn so young.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2007, 11:19 PM
 
Location: Long Beach, CA
2,072 posts, read 10,868,678 times
Reputation: 1718
I feel everyone's pain. I have no words .........
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top