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I could not bear to lose one of my adult children...let alone a young one like Jerry...it's so bad...A couple of years ago my oldest brother called me on the phone while I was sweeping my hall.."Adam is dead- he killed himself"...His son who had had some difficulties...He committed a bloody and dramatic suicide..Cut his wrists in the kitchen- bleed every where- It was a cold night- He wandered into the woods bleeding. From what I understand he wanted to bet back to the house- But he had grown weak and laid down on the ground...It appeared that he had changed his mind...but it was too late. He got hypothermia - The doctors could not get his body temperature back up.
It was drama gone bad- I knew this young man very well...I would say it was accidental...He did not expect to die.
As I listened to my brother on the phone something went numb in me- I hung up and kept sweeping the floor..I could not stop sweeping...I knew this person better than even his parents did..He loved and respected me- A few month earlier his parents wanted him to come into the city as not to be so isolated...So I could mentor him....I put it off out of spite...My brother had inherited a large sum of money and I was poor and resentful....I could have saved Adams life....How was I too know?
My brother's grief was so intense...When he wept it was as if he were sweating blood..Prior to that horrible night- My brother went driving with Adam to get some cheap cigarettes for him...They drove around for hours - Adam was frustrated...that his father was trying to save 10 bucks - He had about 2 million in the bank...
Adam who had been taught by his father that money was god- Adam once commented that his father had given him only material things- that he had not granted him any spiritual training or things of real value...I could have- I failed the young man.
Wow, that is so sad. Don't blame yourself at all, it wasn't your fault at all, you had no idea what would happen. Hugs!
I don't necessarily agree you'd want to weep forever. Maybe some would, but I think after a while, you'd be happy thinking about them because you'd feel lucky you knew them. Maybe it would always be slightly bittersweet but I think if you are sad the rest of your life because you lost one person, that's a pretty sad way of going about things.
I see you've only lost your Grandma. Losing your child or spouse can and does make people sad for the rest of their lives. Wait until you've lived longer and see what you think then. There is always an empty hole inside you that can not be filled except with sadness.
I see you've only lost your Grandma. Losing your child or spouse can and does make people sad for the rest of their lives. Wait until you've lived longer and see what you think then. There is always an empty hole inside you that can not be filled except with sadness.
True, losing a spouse or a child is pretty different.
I lost my husband a week ago, I cry everyday missing him. We were together 38 years. I benefit from reading your posts. Everyone has their own opinion on grief, how long, how to act, etc. I believe everyone is on their own journey. I was a care-giver for seven years to my husband and most all of his family turned on me. I should have done this or that and blah, blah, blah. They live 2000 miles away and not one of them volunteered to help, they would not spend the money. Not one of his family members sent a card to me and there are plenty in his family, talk about a slap in the face. I am only in touch with one person in his family.
I know it is a process to get over the loss and I am grieving on my own terms and I really can care less what anyone thinks right now. I answer to no one but what is within. When you spend 38 years with someone and devoted my life to my husband because I loved him so much, it will take time for me to get back to living and I am prepared for that.
I now can relate to what others are going through from the loss of their spouse.
smilinpretty, I am so sorry for your loss but you sound like you are keeping it together for yourself. Cancer sucks but Alzheimer's IS the cruelest. You lost him quite a while ago, didn't you? Was there any recognition just before he died? God Bless you and keep you strong. (((HUGS)))
Do you think there's a such thing as 'too much' grief when losing a loved one? Like where it crosses the line from being 'normal' sadness to being pathological?
I think my so called loved ones think I've crossed that line. Sunday, July 1st, my dear companion cat of 15 years had to be euthanized. I am taking it very hard. I cry very easily and at times the grief is so acute, it feels like what I'd imagine a sharp object would feel like, piercing over and over.
At first, everyone was so supportive and loving, listening, giving hugs and the kids, cute, homemade cards.
Then, yesterday, July 4th, the two kids (ages 6 and 7) my sister and I were taking to the movies, one being her daughter, were being today's kids, demanding, whining, entitled. One of them stood behind me, using me as a sun shade as we waited for a city bus. She announced that "You smell back." In a less stressful time, I probably would have said, "That isn't a kind thing to say. What if I said that to you?" Instead, I said, "Since I smell so badly, go over by M (my sister)." The remaining time I was with the three, I was treated like a pariah. After arguing with my sister, on the phone, for a while about how the rude kid's mother, my sister's roommate, was going to be complaining that I was so mean to her darling, I finally said, "Hell, I smell so bad, but they have no trouble spending my smelly money." She was very short with me, saying, "I have to go."
I wrote her a letter today, saying that if she and her daughter can't have more compassion than to expect me to be at my best after such a recent and jarring loss, then I don't want to be around these oh-so-sensitive children or her for some time.
My sister and I have gone through the loss of both parents and other loved ones. She isn't a stranger to the pain of loss. I guess because it was only a cat, that is different.
When a precious life is suddenly no longer there, human or otherwise, the crushing emptiness can be unbearable. I'm not sure what "too much" grief is. It is very personal, and each loss is different. Frankly, I'm in more pain over the loss of my cat than I was over the death of my father. I think it is because I had to make the decision to have her life shortened, even if it was the humane one. Maybe that wasn't the reason at all.
I only know that when a person is expected to be over it in a very short time, and one year or less, in my opinion, is a very short time, that is horribly unfair.
I will always miss my loved ones who are gone. But I can't change the fact they are dead and excessive grief won't bring them back. They would want me to live the life I have left and have a ball. I made sure I spent time with them and treated them well while they were alive and to me that's much more important than anything I could do to grieve their loss.
After spending decades as a caregiver for my parents, I felt mostly relief when they died. It's probably horrible for me to actually SAY that but....my parents passed away long before they stopped breathing. I mourn losing the people they were in their prime. Before they became debilitated by age and disease. Maybe I did most of my grieving while they were still technically alive.
When someone dies suddenly and relatively young, there are always questions and unresolved issues. When H died, I was so busy cleaning up the mess he left behind that I was angry. I ended up losing my job because I had to take off more than 3 days and I still work on his leftovers almost every day. And I still haven't found another job.
Everyone has their own way of mourning the loss of loved ones. You can't judge their pain. I do feel sorry for people who allow grief to define who they are for the rest of their lives. I can only change me and I know I want to live for the time I have left. My Great-grandmother lost her H when she was about 30. She still had young children to support. She worked like crazy taking in laundry and cleaning houses to support those kids and never wore any color but black. Aprons were the only thing she owned that wasn't black. She never did anything fun or enjoyable because it wasn't 'appropriate' for a widow. The rest of her life was spent grieving. That's what she did with her spare time. Her own life passed her by because she wouldn't move on past the loss of her H. I grew up knowing I didn't want to live out her example.
I will always miss my loved ones who are gone. But I can't change the fact they are dead and excessive grief won't bring them back. They would want me to live the life I have left and have a ball. I made sure I spent time with them and treated them well while they were alive and to me that's much more important than anything I could do to grieve their loss.
After spending decades as a caregiver for my parents, I felt mostly relief when they died. It's probably horrible for me to actually SAY that but....my parents passed away long before they stopped breathing. I mourn losing the people they were in their prime. Before they became debilitated by age and disease. Maybe I did most of my grieving while they were still technically alive.
When someone dies suddenly and relatively young, there are always questions and unresolved issues. When H died, I was so busy cleaning up the mess he left behind that I was angry. I ended up losing my job because I had to take off more than 3 days and I still work on his leftovers almost every day. And I still haven't found another job.
Everyone has their own way of mourning the loss of loved ones. You can't judge their pain. I do feel sorry for people who allow grief to define who they are for the rest of their lives. I can only change me and I know I want to live for the time I have left. My Great-grandmother lost her H when she was about 30. She still had young children to support. She worked like crazy taking in laundry and cleaning houses to support those kids and never wore any color but black. Aprons were the only thing she owned that wasn't black. She never did anything fun or enjoyable because it wasn't 'appropriate' for a widow. The rest of her life was spent grieving. That's what she did with her spare time. Her own life passed her by because she wouldn't move on past the loss of her H. I grew up knowing I didn't want to live out her example.
No, yellow, it's not horrible of you to say you had relief, it's being honest. I am sure each and everyone of us whose loved ones had slow deaths and especially if they were the caregivers, felt that same sense of relief. Which, in turn brings about guilt of "how can I be so happy and sad at the same time?" I think it is just natural.
Personally, I feel that people who are still grieving (crying on a daily basis/generally can't function) years after the fact, are disrespecting the deceased's life.
I think the opposite, maybe its just me because my mother's dead is still too fresh for me. She died a month ago and i cant not get over the fact she is gone. Like you said, i cant function and im sad everyday. I dont leave my house (just walk my dogs and come back). Everytime i want to laugh or do stuff i feel so guilty because i shouldnt, what i should do is to be sad and cry. I feel like if i do something im going to forgive her and that im disrespecting her.
I think the opposite, maybe its just me because my mother's dead is still too fresh for me. She died a month ago and i cant not get over the fact she is gone. Like you said, i cant function and im sad everyday. I dont leave my house (just walk my dogs and come back). Everytime i want to laugh or do stuff i feel so guilty because i shouldnt, what i should do is to be sad and cry. I feel like if i do something im going to forgive her and that im disrespecting her.
Me too, Madonnafan, and my Mom died five months ago. And I really feel ridiculous because she was 89 so she lived a good, long life.....however, she died suddenly and unexpectedly from a fall that caused a massive brain injury. In a way I'm glad she didn't get dementia and go downhill her last few years as her siblings had.....but on the other hand, I'm still so upset, wondering if she was scared when she fell, wondering if she was conscious after she fell. It's just killing me. There is a grief support group not far from me, but I'm too depressed to even go to it. RIP to both our dear Moms.
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