How can I assure my mom that she will not be buried alive?... - Grief and Mourning -Bereavement, healing - City-Data Forum

Moorhen3 · 10-27-2013, 03:10 PM

Hi all, this is the first time that I will have to deal with funeral arrangements. My mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer even though she has never smoked a day in her life. She is under hospice care now. I am still debating on pushing her to choose cremation but the only reason for that would be for the low cost cause then there will be money left for one of my sisters whom my mom is very, very worried about after she passes.
Sorry, kinda off topic there. Anyway, my question is what can I say to the funeral director to make sure that she is dead, dead. Can I say take out her heart and show it to me? I guess embaling would really let me know that she is dead, dead but that costs quite a bit, doesn't it?
My sisters and I just don't want to walk away from her burial or cremation and wonder, "have we left our mom alive?" It is really bothering me. Do you guys have any suggestions? Thank you sooo much!

thinkalot · 10-27-2013, 04:00 PM

Are you serious? How could you wonder if she is still alive after the cremation?

Once a decade someone makes a mistake. It is found before burial, cremation, etc.

Moorhen3 · 10-27-2013, 04:13 PM

No not after cremation obviously but before. I understand it is an irrational fear but I am trying to educate myself and hear experiences so that I can combat that fear with actual information. I have not experienced the death of a loved this close to me so I am completely new to all of it.

Electrician4you · 10-27-2013, 04:29 PM

When a person dies the doctors are the ones who pronounce her dead. Believe me she is not alive when they cremate. There are a whole bunch of procedures and checking before someone is pronounced dead. They don't just assume and off to the mortuary we go.

Ps I'm sorry for your loss.

newcomputer · 10-27-2013, 04:32 PM

The funeral director will not be the person who determines that your mother is really dead. Depending on where she is when it happens, the hospice nurse or other medical person will make that call before she goes to the funeral home.

Irrational fears are as painful as rational ones. My husband chose to be cremated because he couldn't stand the thought of being buried.

I don't think your mother has to chose. Unless she has made her wishes known to you or does so before she passes, do what is best for your family. You can still have a beautiful service, and your mothers remains can be buried. Talk to a funeral director about your options. A consultation should be free and may bring you comfort.

wishing you the best

bayou91 · 10-27-2013, 04:33 PM

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom and her struggle with lung cancer. If she's in a hospice and they think she may have died, I'm sure they double check before pronouncing her dead. Especially because hospices have older residents who nap all the time.

Moorhen3 · 10-27-2013, 04:34 PM

Thanks Electrician. I am trying to find out and learn about all this process. Like when you say to believe you that she is not alive when cremated, I would love to know if they do anything to the body BEFORE the cremation. I am completely clueless on what happens when someone dies. So I am trying to learn to combat this irrational fear.

Moorhen3 · 10-27-2013, 04:38 PM

Thanks all. She is at home and my sister is looking after her. I am 4 hours away and can't be there unfortunately. But as the oldest it is up to me to get her stuff in order and make funeral arrangements. The hospice group has been great making her comfortable and providing everything that she needs. Who knows, maybe I won't have to deal with this stuff for months from now, but since I do not know anything about this, I am trying to hear other people's experiences and advise so I can feel a little more settled. Thanks again!!!!

christina0001 · 10-27-2013, 05:12 PM

This is a real fear and not an uncommon one. Perhaps you might find reassurance in talking with the hospice nurse about how it is determined that a person is actually deceased. I know we've all heard horror stories but when they do happen, they are usually out of third world countries where medical care is poor and people are unfortunately ignorant.

If it makes you feel more assured, there is usually no need to have the body removed from the home immediately upon death. Once it is determined that the person has expired, you can talk with the funeral home about waiting a bit before they pick the body up. Perhaps this will help reassure family who are present, that yes, she has truly passed away.

And yes, embalming is expensive and very unnecessary 99% of the time if you are wanting to do cremation.

Best of luck and so sorry you are going through this.

Moorhen3 · 10-27-2013, 05:30 PM

mod cut I do have a cousin I could ask but since these boards are here to help one another, I figured there would be people here who could reassure me or help me out cause I know it is an irrational fear. So far members of this forum have been great. And as far as getting money, I certainly did not mean money for me, never mentioned that. But my sister (and she doesn't know that I am thinking of this) certainly could use the money and I know that my mom would do anything for her and if it meant cremation so that she could leave money for my sister, i think she would do it.