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I lost a very close friend to what amounts to a suicide (a drug overdose, but he was dealing with chronic depression and self-medicating). In the three years prior to his death (in his early 40s) he had alienated every person in his life, and even assaulted his mother in a fit of rage while under the influence of drugs. He was brilliant, talented and very witty when he was stabilized.
Things fell apart quickly . . . he lost his job due to his erratic behavior and mishandling credit card expenses . . . and it was all downhill after that. He became heavily dependent on drugs and although his mother has never revealed -- those of us who were close to him near the end of his life assume he was on heroin.
The last conversation I had with him was with his raging at me b/c of an imagined slight. He threatened me without any cause or reason to have become enraged. He was out of control. I hung up the phone and knew that would be the last communication we would have. I had done everything I knew how to do (including making a trip to assess his condition myself, firsthand -- and encouraging him to get substance abuse treatment as well as mental health intervention.) The irony of all this is . . . he was a licensed psychologist and his friends were almost all either social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists. None of us could do a thing . . . including his mother and brother.
So I can truly say . . . my grief began before my friend died. And his death was no surprise. It was inevitable, as he would not seek assistance and refused assistance that was offered, time and again.
I think it is quite possible to grieve before a person is actually dead, b/c we realize that to us, they have already died in the sense of the person we knew and loved no longer exists.
I still think about my friend frequently. I have no guilt b/c I know that we all did everything we knew how to do and we called upon every resource available to try to get this man back on track with his life. However, I have profound sadness that none of us could reach him. And I miss the person he once was, 20 plus years ago.
These days, when I think of him, I say a prayer that he is finally at peace in another realm.
I relay this because I do believe that sometimes we know that a person's death is inevitable, either because they are dealing with behavioral health issues that will lead to their suicide . . . or due to high risk behaviors that will lead to misadventure, such as with a drug overdose or a violent confrontation with someone in a criminal setting. In these sad situations, we may have already mourned the loss and the next stage is simply accepting that the person is no longer amongst the living.
It's very sad to read stories like this. My condolences for your loss, inevitable as it was. It's terrible that some people harbor so much self-loathing that they push everyone away and do such self-destructive things.
I agree that sometimes you can do much of your grieving in advance of a death in cases like this. My father had a psychotic break when I was ten...before then he had been a doting dad and we were extremely close, though I recognize some of his behavior as disordered looking back. The man who came home from the hospital was a different person...an abusive monster. After struggling for about ten years to have a relationship, I removed myself from his life. I grieved my father for a long time. The real man was dead though he was still breathing. I haven't seen him in 20 years and keep waiting for news of his passing. People tell me it will still hit me hard, but I really am at peace with him already. If it's suicide it may hit me harder, though. There's something about suicide that makes a person especially sad, in my own experience and through volunteer work with grieving families. It's just so bleak...so hopeless.
It takes a period of adjustment to come to the full realization that someone we have known is no longer around. You keep reminding yourself over and over that they are not here anymore. Then after time passes and we slowly come to accept the reality, they sort of fade from our primary focus and we get on with things again.
So true. The mind goes into a state of limbo and things can easily get very murky. And we are overcome with lots of questions and lots of thoughts about the deceased.
We went to the wake last night. It was closed casket but they had pictures of her smiling face all over. We both cried a little...it seemed to hit him a little hard when we looked at all of the pictures & said goodbye. We saw a lot of old friends and talked for a long time. As the night went on, I saw my husband withdraw from everyone, seemed to start isolating himself (a big difference from the social butterfly he usually is). The anger was gone and the sadness kicked in. I'm glad we got to say goodbye and see collages of her having fun and beeing her spunky self.
Tonight we are going out with all of the old friends we saw yesterday. I think he will really enjoy it, and it will be good to reminisc about the good times he had with her.
I myself feel better after saying good bye last night.
My father died right in front of me. I watched him take his last breath and I was helpless. I ran down the hall to grab a nurse and they basically told me there was nothing they could do. Inside I knew he was going to die at some point but for some reason I did not expect it. Even though I had been taking care of his every need, I never thought of him actually dying.
Even after he died it was set in my mind that he did not die, but was just "away." I suppose my brain was protecting my heart. My best friend and my hero were gone, along with my father. All in one fell swoop my world was gone.
You know, it took me about six months to get a hold of myself and the reality that he was gone. It was an awful time.
I have felt this too. It is a strange hurtful feeling to see others going about their normal activities unaware of the pain you are in. I remember when my mother died, many years ago, I was on a bus and it was hurtful to watch people going by, just living their lives and being happy.
Thank you slithytoves and jrsydevil182 for your kind comments. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your fiance just before your wedding, slithytoves. That must have been unbearably sad. I hope you have found happiness again. Pikantari, to see your father die right before your eyes, how awful for you. I have to admit that when my brother was dying of cirrhosis of the liver after a long bout with alcoholism, I didn't have the courage to stay by his hospital bed until the very end. It's one of my regrets.
I do remember that a few days before, I was standing at his bedside feeling devastated at the terrible toll alcohol had taken on his mind and body. He was black and blue all over, had tubes everywhere, was delirious, and was wearing some type of helmet, presumably to protect his head from injury. Meanwhile, in another room, a television was airing the nightly news. I remember feeling puzzled that the world was going on as before and that my brother's struggle wasn't the top story.
I can also relate with grieving a person who isn't gone yet. My mother, who was living alone in her late 70s, was clearly going downhill mentally because of all the pain drugs she was taking for a chronic condition. I would visit her and find milk that was four months out of date and rotting vegetables in the refrigerator. She wouldn't discuss going into assisted living, but the issue was finally resolved when she fell and broke her pelvis. The hospital wouldn't let her return home.
While I was clearing out Mom's rental home of a lifetime of accumulated memories (she was a pack rat and saved everything), I grieved for her as if she had died. Though she lived another four years and eventually was weaned from the drugs that were scrambling her brains, she was never able to live on her own again and was not the same person I used to know and love. When the end finally came, I grieved again, of course, but I think it was somewhat easier to bear because I had already done much of the work of processing my feelings about losing her.
My mom died unexpectedly last week, I am still in disbelief. She worked the day before, and had what we thought was a severe asthma attack the night before she went into coma and the day of. Here she had years of undiagnosed COPD, and was in end stages. But she didn't complain much, and my Mom, Dad, Husband, and I all went out to eat to a buffet the night before she stopped breathing. When we went out to eat, she ate more than us (she was braindead after that and we ended up disconnecting her from lifesupport because he condition kept deteriorating). Who would have known it was her last real meal :-(
Thank you slithytoves and jrsydevil182 for your kind comments. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your fiance just before your wedding, slithytoves. That must have been unbearably sad. I hope you have found happiness again. Pikantari, to see your father die right before your eyes, how awful for you. I have to admit that when my brother was dying of cirrhosis of the liver after a long bout with alcoholism, I didn't have the courage to stay by his hospital bed until the very end. It's one of my regrets.
I do remember that a few days before, I was standing at his bedside feeling devastated at the terrible toll alcohol had taken on his mind and body. He was black and blue all over, had tubes everywhere, was delirious, and was wearing some type of helmet, presumably to protect his head from injury. Meanwhile, in another room, a television was airing the nightly news. I remember feeling puzzled that the world was going on as before and that my brother's struggle wasn't the top story.
I can also relate with grieving a person who isn't gone yet. My mother, who was living alone in her late 70s, was clearly going downhill mentally because of all the pain drugs she was taking for a chronic condition. I would visit her and find milk that was four months out of date and rotting vegetables in the refrigerator. She wouldn't discuss going into assisted living, but the issue was finally resolved when she fell and broke her pelvis. The hospital wouldn't let her return home.
While I was clearing out Mom's rental home of a lifetime of accumulated memories (she was a pack rat and saved everything), I grieved for her as if she had died. Though she lived another four years and eventually was weaned from the drugs that were scrambling her brains, she was never able to live on her own again and was not the same person I used to know and love. When the end finally came, I grieved again, of course, but I think it was somewhat easier to bear because I had already done much of the work of processing my feelings about losing her.
I am sorry about your brother. I also lost a brother to cirrhosis. My mother and another sister were by his side when he died, but I was at work. A few days before he died, he was still at home and I went up to his room and told him I loved him. That wasn't something we (siblings) say a lot to one another in my family, but I am so glad I did. He smiled at it, and that smile stays with me.
Last year, a guy I grew up with committed suicide. It was very hard to accept what happened and I just couldn't believe it for a while. Now we just learned that my husband's friend died, most likely a suicide (she has tried several times in the past). It's just so unbelievable. I keep trying to think of the last time we saw her, what was said...what we were doing. My husband seems fine, he has been telling me for the last couple of years that he knew she would die. I don't know if he is really 'fine' though. Even though we knew this would probably happen...I just can't believe it.
I know how you feel. I lost a good friend to suicide..he was only 38 with a wife and two very young children. I found out when I dropped over to visit..no-one was there, and a neighbour came over and told me. (and hugged me as well, as the tears had already sprung).I was shocked!!..I drove home in a fog..I couldn't believe it...It took me awhile to accept it. That's when I read up on the stages of grief...They're right on, and I went through every one of them.
Denial (I couldn't believe it..no, it can't be true, it can't be real)..Anger..(I was soo pissed that he gave up on life, if he'd still been alive I woulda throttled him..how dare he leave his sons like that)...Bargaining (why, why, why couldn't he still be here, I'd do anything for him to just still be here, if only I'd come over sooner..if only I'd called him..maybe if he'd just had this..or that..)..Depression.( He's gone now, there's no changing that, there's nothing can bring him back)..Acceptance (I'll miss him, I'll remember him, I'm glad I had the chance to know him).
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