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About 10 months ago we (wife and I) lost our dog Maggie. We are voluntarily 'child free'. We live in relative isolation--no neighbors. So for many years our lives revolved around Maggie. She was our daughter. I won't go as far as to say she would be like our biological daughter but pretty close.
After her loss I have mostly restricted myself to be within myself. The old me--ready to make new friends and ready to make plans with friends--is still unable to reach out to people. There is even some rudeness or at least antipathy toward friends--sort of like 'Couldn't care less' or 'take it or leave it' while making plans.
We are unwilling to replace Maggie. Her toys are still in our living room. We watch her photos and videos almost on daily basis. Visit her grave in our backyard often. Her bed is still on our bedroom floor--though she would almost always sleep with us on our bed.
We--especially I--are inconsolable. It may seem odd to a lot of people here about a pet but we just are. I am unwilling to replace her memories by adopting another dog. I think that will happen if we get another dog. And I also want to, philosophically, fully 'digest' the sense of the loss and ponder the larger issues of life through the loss.
While I have subtly blamed my wife for feeding her processed dog food (you know, Purina etc) leading to Maggie's death last night I crossed the line and blamed her in front of some strangers in a pub. I was rightly chided by the strangers. Wife and I could barely choke our tears. I was wrong. She knows that and she knows I know it. But I have yet to apologize to her for the last night--fearing it will cause a new flare up. I probably will.
Question: Have I gone too far in mourning? Is it okay to stay in grieving as long as it takes?
No matter how well cared for, pets are going to die someday. It doesn't matter if they have a personal chef to create only healthy meals, they are going to die.
First things first, it sounds like your wife is hurting over this too. You need to stop what you are doing immediately and tell her you apologize for blaming her, and that you realize now that no power on earth would have prevented the death of your beloved pet. Don't keep this to yourself. Man up and do it now!
10 months is a long time to grieve. Maybe at this stage you need professional help? But what you should do this second is talk to your wife as I suggested.
About 10 months ago we (wife and I) lost our dog Maggie. We are voluntarily 'child free'. We live in relative isolation--no neighbors. So for many years our lives revolved around Maggie. She was our daughter. I won't go as far as to say she would be like our biological daughter but pretty close.
After her loss I have mostly restricted myself to be within myself. The old me--ready to make new friends and ready to make plans with friends--is still unable to reach out to people. There is even some rudeness or at least antipathy toward friends--sort of like 'Couldn't care less' or 'take it or leave it' while making plans.
We are unwilling to replace Maggie. Her toys are still in our living room. We watch her photos and videos almost on daily basis. Visit her grave in our backyard often. Her bed is still on our bedroom floor--though she would almost always sleep with us on our bed.
We--especially I--are inconsolable. It may seem odd to a lot of people here about a pet but we just are. I am unwilling to replace her memories by adopting another dog. I think that will happen if we get another dog. And I also want to, philosophically, fully 'digest' the sense of the loss and ponder the larger issues of life through the loss.
While I have subtly blamed my wife for feeding her processed dog food (you know, Purina etc) leading to Maggie's death last night I crossed the line and blamed her in front of some strangers in a pub. I was rightly chided by the strangers. Wife and I could barely choke our tears. I was wrong. She knows that and she knows I know it. But I have yet to apologize to her for the last night--fearing it will cause a new flare up. I probably will.
Question: Have I gone too far in mourning? Is it okay to stay in grieving as long as it takes?
Adopt another. You will not be replacing Maggie, but will instead be honoring her memory. She showed you what unconditional love is all about, and she clearly had a huge impact on you - so much so that your grief is so deep. So honor her memory by showing your unconditional love to another pet. The rewards will be great.
I've been there, done that, and it is very hard, but oh, so rewarding.
I agree with this.
I am so sorry for your loss OP!!
If you are not ready to adopt another dog (understandable) then go to the shelter and adopt a CAT (or better yet, get two; a bonded pair).
Maggie would want you to be happy and having a pet in your home will certainly make you feel better, imo.
apologize to the wife
Get counseling
get another dog
He took only 1 piece out of these 3, which was apologize to the wife
the other 2 he will not take
So I'm not sure what else there is to say, not much else is being offered here. Unless there's more advice or the guy just wants to read responses, the thread seems pointless.
I lost my husband almost 4 years ago..
If I were doing the things you are doing at the 10 month mark I would have sought
a therapist to help me with the grief...
I grieved hard and long but wasn't "stuck" in grief if that makes sense..
Respond more often to the thread and maybe we can lend a listening ear..
It isn't anything to be ashamed of..We all react to things differently..
It's just that a counselor might help you enjoy your life better...
It's possible that losing your dog caused a depression that you can't climb out of...
I lost a dog nearly 12 years ago that I still miss terribly. For me, she was "the dog of a lifetime". Her death was sudden & unexpected. Her name was Justy.
When she died, we did rescue another dog shortly after. It was difficult at first because I kept unfairly expecting Nina to be like Justy, which she was not, even though she was the same breed. I grew to love her for who she was, & my reward was how much she loved me back. However, after 5 years with us, Nina got lymphoma & we had very little time to make an awful decision. That one nearly did me in, and it took almost 5 years before I was ready to open up once more to another dog. Now we have had Allie for nearly 2 years.
I am not sure that Allie would be with us, if not for what happened: my husband had a blue & gold macaw named Chester, who was with him before we were married. A couple of years ago, Chester died. We have been married over 30 years now, raised a family...Chester was always there! Because he was a bird, absolutely no one, including our daughter, understood the depth of loss that we felt & still feel, especially my husband, as he was with Chester for so long. Allie has helped divert some of that pain.
My only purpose in sharing this is to empathize with your loss, & reinforce what some have said here, the amount of time you require to "move on" is going to vary depending on your personality & circumstances, & while I am a huge advocate of animal rescue, it is not appropriate to all situations. Also, counseling or therapy is not the blanket answer to everything...lots of not-great "counselors" out there. I feel that by starting this thread that you are doing something healthy & positive for yourself & for others, too, who read &/or contribute to it, so that is surely a step in the right direction.
I hope you & your wife find peace & comfort in whatever you decide to do or not do.
How courageous, to say this. I'm glad you put it the way you did, with "we" as the subject and "grief" as the object. The verb "saturate" is optimistic but slightly ominous, at least if you reckon with the fact that in allowing grief to saturate you, it may claim you. Courage lies in the hope that it won't, because grief really should not be given a name. It should not be classified as an abstract noun. "Grief" counselors, "grieving"--No. The concept is too ugly for words.
Apologizing won't add to the gloom. What it may well do however is bring up emotions regarding marriage that might be excruciating. I am not at all talking about your particular marriage; I'm talking about marriage as an institution. There is a possibility that 1) your wife isn't suffering as deeply as you are about Maggie, and you don't or can't trust any human being with that molten lava; or, 2) your wife is absolutely suffering it as deeply as you are, but neither of you know how you'll muddle along if you bring up spiritual issues that run as deep as any can. I'm writing this because I trust you'll intuitively know what I mean; I'm not being intentionally, ha, lofty.
Nothing makes you as *un*lofty as the loss of a little animal.
Take care, and best of luck to you. In a way, and hopefully to bring a smile to your face, you have a Seinfeld situation on your hands. Two worlds are colliding. I'll stop here, 'cause I'm 100% certain other readers will think I'm mad as a hatter.
NewNorthMainer, you have said what I just spent an hour trying to formulate and finally erased the post as I couldn't find the words but, I think you did.
I am something of a Mad Hatter myself sometimes, which thinking about makes me think of the White Rabbit and I think I will go watch Alice in Wonderland again.........
Good luck to you, meengla. I hope it all works out for you and I know it will in time.
When I first read the OP, I thought he might be doing a little navel gazing and that it was unhealthy and self indulgent. I have read all of the posts and I think I get more of what he was saying now......that is all I am going to say.
I hope this thread was helpful and theraputic (sp), meegla. It was too me. Thx to all who posted.
At this point I think everything has been said that could be said, by the OP and posters. And yet I thought of something that I don't think was mentioned--because I remembered the raw pain of losing our First Dog, at 13, to liver cancer--suspecting it had something to do with Chinese poisoned dog treats. Our grief had not subsided after 6 months, and continued well into having adopted our Sweetie (sorry Sweetie!). But I did find a way to put the worst pain behind me, as a form of personal therapy, and that was to write down everything I remembered about First Dog, even her death. I wrote poems, lists of her pet names, and songs I used to sing to her, plus everyday events with her. And only then was I able to let go and focus on Sweetie.
just a thought. And all the wise posts here have also helped me putting Sweetie's death in the proper perspective.
Yes, you did. You knew people would feel sorry for you. Especially we who have gone through this. I was civilized.
No, I didn't want that, and remove your 'civilized' gloves next time!!
For sure, over last 10 months, I have been through online forums and quietly studied users' experiences and reactions. And most of the responses here echo the same from those: 'Get therapy'. 'Get over it'. 'Get another dog' , 'Joining a pet counsel group' etc etc. Only @NewNorthMainer and a few others have been saying that I should take my time and follow my own route. And only @NewNorthMainer seems to have raised questions about our own place in life and our mortality--philosophical.
I did NOT even want to post to this forum and wanted to post to the 'Great Debates' forum but didn't think they would approve the message there. I debated for a while about which forum but I made a mistake by posting to this forum where 'civilized' people like you are directly accusing me of wanting to wallow in my misery because I am not following some tried and tested way forward.
As I have repeated said, my wife and I are too stable and secure in each other to allow Maggie's loss to derail us. As I have said, there is definitely gloom in life but life IS still being loved; actually, things are improving even in the gloom front. The last Friday was the first time and will be the last time!
In the Great Debate forum I would have asked questions like whether it is okay to have prolonged grief for a pet when there is so much human misery around? I would have asked whether missing a pet more than an immediate loved one can be 'normal'? I would have asked if it would be 'normal' for pet loss to alter a person's outlook on life? Perhaps making him/her more somber for long/permanent terms? But, alas I chose the wrong forum and asked the wrong question--aquestion to which I already had an answer.
Last edited by meengla; 11-25-2014 at 06:05 AM..
Reason: outlook on life
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