Teaching English job in Japan - I cancelled at the last day for depression and anxiety. Now I'm afraid to do anything. (addict, sleep)

[monkeyjobs]

Hey guys, I'm going to tell you guys about what happened to me in the last few days. It's a decision I might regret for the rest of my life, but I had to do it due to my terrible health and social anxiety.


Ok so about 2 months ago, I applied for teaching English in Japan and ended up getting a job. I arrived to Tokyo 3 days ago and had to report to the company. Now keep in kind that I haven been having terrible social anxiety disorder all my life.



Just yesterday, when I had to finally report to the company, I had some kind of panic attack, afraid of doing the teaching job and felt like I should avoid it if possible. This also has to do a lot with my physical health issues, as I have been suffering from blepharitis (dry and irritating eye condition) and tinnitus (ringing noise in my ears), and I also feel dizzy and faigue very easily when not getting enough nutrition.
I was so afraid that my health may deteriorate further and definitelty didn't want that happen.
Wth all these things combined, I had some kind of panic attack and wanted to kill myself for being so stupid and accepting the job even with my terrible health issues.


I thought that I should stay home and try to take care of my health rather than having a job in Japan. I even thought that if I stay in Japan, it may even lead me to a suicide.
So I bought myself a plane ticket and will be going back to America in few days. I have not notified the company yet, as I'm planning to do it in few hours.


I'm such a dimwit for accepting the job when I knew this was probably going to happen. I lied to myself that I can over come my social anxiety and health issues and can still live in Japan alone, and this is the consequence that I get.


I ended up wasting thousands of dollars just for this. And my parents supported all this money even though they have debt on the credit cards. They wanted me to succeed in Japan, but I ended up making the situation as bad as possible.


Now I'm afraid of getting any kind of job. If I can't achieve a job in Japan, then I won't be able to achieve a job in America, either.
I just feel like my family's better off without me. I keep making things worse and feel like I'm a burden to them. I don't know what to do anymore. I am going back to America. That is for sure and I'm not changing that. But what would I be doing once I get back to America?
Honestly now I have even bigger anxiety of doing any kind of job. Feels like I will give up again, just like what happened here in Japan.


I feel like I have some kind of terrible mental illness. I'm so afraid of interacting with people and doing anything that requires social skills. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I can't even sleep at night with lights turned off. That's how bad my mental condition is. I don't know why my mental health is so bad. Wish there was something I can do to change but there isn't any. I have seen many pshychiatrists and none helped me.

[Ruth4Truth]

OP, your health issues are extremely minor. You've blown them all out of proportion. Ringing in the ears and dry, irritated eyes are nothing, and are fairly common afflictions, especially for people living in dry, desert-like environments (the dry eyes, anyway). And the weakness/dizziness in-between meals is fairly common, too, and can be easily managed. Tens of thousands of people live with that, and manage it by adjusting their meal schedule and nutrient intake. These are pretty much non-issues.

Do you parents know about your crippling social anxiety? if not, please tell them, so they can help you get professional help for that. It can be successfully treated by experienced professionals in that field, but it will take time. In the meantime, take an office job; something that doesn't have interaction with the public. Or get trained as an accountant, so you can live happily in a cubicle the rest of your working life. This doesn't have to be a disaster. You can resolve to take this as a sign that you need help, and get that help so you can create a brighter future for yourself.

You can do this. Many people succeed in overcoming their social anxiety. Please get help, and turn to your parents for support. Best wishes!

[gentlearts]

Just try to calm down. You are not the only person who has decided they made a mistake.
I hope you will get mental help to get you past this. In the scheme of things this is just a small blink.

Don't blow it out of proportion.

[eatandlift5]

OP

I can't believe what I read. It's spot on with what happened to me over there in Asia, except I did my teaching over in China. The symptoms you describe and a lifelong relationship with social anxiety hits home with me on almost every level. Last month on the first of October, I flew back to America via midnight run, basically not telling anybody, not even the friends I made over there, that I was leaving. My tinnitus and panic symptoms were relentless. Of course I also knew this situation would probably happen if I left the country to pursue something new like this, but I wanted to give it a go anyways. I wanted to feel like I could succeed somewhere in life, since I wasn't getting anywhere with my career. Ha that's a joke, what career, I haven't been able to hold a job for more than a few weeks till anxiety and depersonalization and dissociative symptoms are too much to bear. I've been on a 2-year, off and on job spree, peppered in between with porn addiction and sleeping in past noon every day...Basically taking random labor jobs to make a little over minimum wage, Driving for Uber and Lyft, quitting after a month doing backroom stuff at Target (I can't even go back to Target anymore, fearing I'll have more panic attacks). It's hell, I know. Good luck explaining that one to your boss.

So yeah, being in China all alone; it was terrifying. I was on WeChat video with my parents pretty much every waking second I was in my apartment, crying and freaking out, almost wishing I had the balls to just jump off a roof and end it all. Thank God I have good credit, because I just went and got a ticket back, but even that was a hassle. I was a hot mess! It just sucked cause to everyone, I appeared to be doing a good job for the month I forced myself to stay there, but to me, everything about that place made me want to slit my throat. Not that it was a horrible experience *****; I just couldn't shake the symptoms and had nobody to relax with. Everybody seemed to be adapting, and I wasn't. The entire time was atrocious, relentless waves of fear, no, a straight jacket being drowned in a barrel full of acid type crap. Ominous to say the least. Anyways, I stuck it out that month until there was no possible way to continue. I had to leave. No option. So I understand you when it comes to debt and unnecessary expendatures. I didn't even get paid for the month I was there, the company was so pissed off at me. Everyone I made friends with tried to contact me, and I just shut it out like I was never there. Was really strange, but I just couldn't handle it.

Hang in there! I sympathize. I'll talk your ear off of the crazy things that have happened in my life. I'm sure we can relate to each other. Feel free to shoot me a message; I want to help out if I can. Yeah I live with my parents again at 24, and don't have a job, even though I somehow scraped by with a bachelor's degree. Credit card and student debt is overwhelming. But whatever, we will get through this! We will have such a great story to tell once we heal from all the garbage in our lives. And if anything, hey you've been to Japan, that's awesome! How many people do you know can say that.

Take care!

~eatandlift5

[dmlandis]

I was in China teaching for 2 years and liked it. Now in the middle east (Kuwait) and having issues with depression while I'm teaching. I understand where you're coming from. Fortunately, I have a loving wife with me. I've had a successful teaching career in the US and abroad but the kids and stress of job seem to exacerbate things even though everyone seems nice. I did get some meds prescribed and they are helping just a little bit - but think I will talk with a counselor here even though it is somewhat costly. I wonder what other expats do about depression.