MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Holt: move, beach)

[Versatile]

Strange Doctor’s Notes on Medical Charts

The things doctors have scribbled on patient’s charts when they are in a hurry:

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

"The patient refused an autopsy."

# "The patient has no past history of suicides."

# "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

[Versatile]

Employment Application For The United States Internal Revenue Service
When you watch Robin Hood, do you cheer for the Sheriff of Nottingham? When the local Red Cross needs blood, do they hand you a bottle and a turnip? If so, you may be just the kind of person we're looking for down at the Internal Revenue Service.

If you've got what it takes to take what they've got, just fill out this handy application form.

RELEVANT EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
1. In the blanks provided, please indicate your years of experience, if any, in the following fields.
Private Investigation ____
Law Enforcement ____
Accounting ____
Public Administration ____
Other Administrative ____
Grave Robbing ____
Garbage Picking ____
Rumor Mongering ____
Other Journalism ____
Looting ____
Pillaging ____
Sacking ____
Burning ____
Other Financial ____
Lying ____
Cheating ____
Stealing ____
Other Legal ____

2. Why do you wish to work for the IRS? (Please check all that apply.)
Desire to perform public service. ____
Salary / benefits. ____
Self-loathing. ____
Local Mafia family has hiring freeze. ____
Opportunities for promotion. ____
Opportunities for revenge (personal). ____
Opportunities for revenge (professional). ____
Opportunities to indulge sadistic tendencies ____
Opportunities for bribery / corruption. ____
Opportunities to covertly promote political agenda. ____
Prestige / status. ____

MENTAL HEALTH
3. Yes or No: Have you ever been committed to a mental health institution for, or received treatment for, kleptomania, paranoia, megalomania, delusions of grandeur, or sociopathy? ____

4. [Answer only if you marked Question 3 "No."] Please explain:
__________________________________________________ ____.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

Please indicate the most correct answer to each of the following questions.
5. True or False: Charles Dickens' classic fable A Christmas Carol is a tragedy. ____


6. True or False: It is acceptable for a sitting president to use the IRS as a tool to harass his political enemies. ___


7. [Answer only if you marked Question 6 "False."] Are you a congressional investigator? ____

8. [Answer only if you marked Question 7 "False."] Are you sure you're not a congressional investigator? ____

9. [Answer only if you marked Question 8 "False."] Honestly? ____

10. American tax rates are:
a. Too low.
b. Much too low.
c. Absurdly low.

11. "Taxable income" is ____.
a. That portion of a taxpayer's gross earnings from which income tax is collected.
b. Item a. above, plus unearned income.
c. Redundant.

12. Which of the following is sufficient justification for auditing a taxpayer? ____
a. Incomplete or inconsistent information on a tax return.
b. Consumption in excess of apparent income.
c. The sun rose in the east.

13. TAXPAYER is to IRS as _______ is to ______.
a. SERF; LORD.
b. HOST; PARASITE.
c. SMALL RODENT; HUNGRY RATTLESNAKE.
d. DEER; ONCOMING PICKUP TRUCK.

14. True or False: Wiseacre humor columnists who write jokes about the IRS are likely to get audited. ___

15. [Answer only if you marked Question 14 "True."] Know a good tax attorney? ___
__________________

[Versatile]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service .

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,











Which service...the 8:30 or the 11:00?"

[Versatile]

Proofreading is a Dying Art!!
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day...

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny. I seldom laugh out loud, but these really made me roar:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide&n bsp;
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right???

[Versatile]

Four Catholic ladies discussing their son's careers
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him
'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say
'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" Finally she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2, hard-bodied stripper, when he walks into a room women say,
'Oh my God'."

[Versatile]

Ribbet
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.
9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9
iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las
Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy asks, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I
should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year-old girl."

....And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[Versatile]

A man is calling the hospital and frantically saying:
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

The hospital staff worker asks:
"Is this her first child?"

"No, you, idiot! This is her husband!"

[Versatile]

Balance
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael.. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it... I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, moddest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."

God smiled, "There's Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there.
__________________

[Versatile]

Thank You Very Much!!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channel

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose (although cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your backside, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Versatile]

Sex Frogs!?!?
A cute blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "SEX FROGS!" Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what
he has been specially trained to do...

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions ... Please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "Hmm, I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE... MORE... TIME!!!"