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It's been a challenge since my family is somewhat enmeshed. I get the guilt trips if I don't "visit enough" or return phone calls right away. If they call, I'm expected to report what I'm doing, why I didn't return the phone calls, etc...as if they're in charge of my free time. If I try something different, it's a big deal if they didn't think of it first. They're not horrible people but there are definitely some issues. It's almost like they're dependent on me.....but I need some space so I can have my own life. Never really had that rebellous phase as a teenager.How do I break out of this cycle while maintaining good relationships?
my mom keeps close tabs on me, even when I'm in my own place. she also talks to HER mom everyday. so it may just be personal preference, some family members want to be really close. whereas I do not see the need to talk at length every day unless something substantial happens.
Use texting. Helps keep things brief, a hello... miss you... how are you today... good morning... sometimes that's all it takes to keep the other person happy without me having to be rude or hurtful.
Also I like to make calls while on long(er) drives. Sorry Oprah.
If your family does that, then I think it's best to disconnect from some of them. Sometimes family will bring you down quicker than your friends, enemies, or strangers.
For a few years after my wife and I wed my father in law would call her and tell her she had to approve of his new mistake/wife. My wife had not lived with him for years and she was 26. I told her when the call went bad to hang up. This went on for a few years and they did not talk but once or twice a year. He now knows my wife did not disagree with him remarrying but the woman was nuts.
What I had told her was she had to take control of those phone calls. Very easy to drop a pan and claim a emergency. She had to show/teach him she was no longer a child. He even claimed her as a dependant on his taxes for a few years after we were married.
If your family does that, then I think it's best to disconnect from some of them. Sometimes family will bring you down quicker than your friends, enemies, or strangers.
I've had to somewhat disconnect from some of the more distant relatives due to their behavior. You do have a point though...sometimes I'll be feeling good and then not-so-good after a conversation.
If you can afford to support yourself in this economy, you are independent. If someone is constantly putting you down, tell them to knock it off or ignore them for good.
It's been a challenge since my family is somewhat enmeshed. I get the guilt trips if I don't "visit enough" or return phone calls right away. If they call, I'm expected to report what I'm doing, why I didn't return the phone calls, etc...as if they're in charge of my free time. If I try something different, it's a big deal if they didn't think of it first. They're not horrible people but there are definitely some issues. It's almost like they're dependent on me.....but I need some space so I can have my own life. Never really had that rebellous phase as a teenager.How do I break out of this cycle while maintaining good relationships?
Sounds like your family needs retraining. Up to this point, they have been too prying and you have enabling them by giving them exactly what they were asking for. Decide what your limits are and stick to them.
You don't have to call every day. If you call once a week, start the call off positive. Talk to them normally, ask how they're doing, etc. If they start a guilt trip, make up an excuse that you have to go and end the call immediately. They'll get the hint over time if you stick to your guns. If they demand to know where you were, an evasive, "Oh, been busy, mom," then changing the subject is called for. Don't give in and they'll stop thinking they deserve to know eventually.
Sounds like your family needs retraining. Up to this point, they have been too prying and you have enabling them by giving them exactly what they were asking for. Decide what your limits are and stick to them.
True. Most people (like my brother) go through this phase when they are a teenager so the parents learn to respect their privacy. I never went through a rebellous phase. Since I'm the so-called "good kid", their expectations for me are higher.
Quote:
Originally Posted by h886
You don't have to call every day. If you call once a week, start the call off positive. Talk to them normally, ask how they're doing, etc. If they start a guilt trip, make up an excuse that you have to go and end the call immediately.
Hmmm...I'll have to think of some good excuses. Any ideas?
Quote:
Originally Posted by h886
They'll get the hint over time if you stick to your guns. If they demand to know where you were, an evasive, "Oh, been busy, mom," then changing the subject is called for. Don't give in and they'll stop thinking they deserve to know eventually.
It's been a challenge since my family is somewhat enmeshed. I get the guilt trips if I don't "visit enough" or return phone calls right away. If they call, I'm expected to report what I'm doing, why I didn't return the phone calls, etc...as if they're in charge of my free time. If I try something different, it's a big deal if they didn't think of it first. They're not horrible people but there are definitely some issues. It's almost like they're dependent on me.....but I need some space so I can have my own life. Never really had that rebellous phase as a teenager.How do I break out of this cycle while maintaining good relationships?
this sounds exactly like me. i went through this even through marriage and mortgage etc. my life was theirs and the only way i was able to break free was to move VERY far away. i hate that i had to do it, but i learned so much about myself once i did. i also accomplished much more in a very short time than i could have under their constant watch and demands. i know they love me/us, but it was something i needed to do.
True. Most people (like my brother) go through this phase when they are a teenager so the parents learn to respect their privacy. I never went through a rebellous phase. Since I'm the so-called "good kid", their expectations for me are higher. Hmmm...I'll have to think of some good excuses. Any ideas?
And granted, you probably get some sort of "payoff" as they call it from being the "good kid." Maybe some part of you likes (subconsciously) feeling held in higher esteem than your brother or wants their approval and that's why you allowed it to continue so long. But, if they stopped with your brother, they can learn to stop with you too.
Excuses?
"Mom, I have to go. There's a pot boiling over."
"The laundry just buzzed. I'll have to call you back later."
"There's someone at the door."
"I have some things to do now."
I think a big part of it is going to have to include you valuing your own time and understanding that you have every right in the world to end a conversation whenever you see fit. The rest will very naturally follow.
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