Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I hate to ask here but I need help for my sister.
I wrote before about how she has been trying to divorce her husband.
He is abusive, an alcoholic, and serial cheater. He also has at least one child out of wedlock from someone else.
They have four kids together and have been married almost 20 years. She stayed with him mainly for the kids and due to severe financial issues. Neither of them have any money and can't afford another home to go to.
Unfortunately, no one else in the family can provide a place for her, with four kids.
Anyhow, she is actually now in a relationship with another guy she has known for years (it just became romantic a few months ago). Her kids are cool with it.
What she needs is help dealing with her husband who is not only a ten beer a day drunk but also becoming more and more abusive. She also found out he has ANOTHER girlfriend.
He actually put his hands on her the other day.
Now I am very worried what will happen now it's physical abuse (previously it was verbal).
He says he didn't do it. He also says SHE is abusive to him. He calls her a bunch of derogatory names and threatens her.
She is afraid to call the police and thinks it will look trashy for her children's father to be locked up.
I keep saying she can never reason with him because he is an addict and you can't get beyond it.
What can she do in this situation? Has anyone here gone through something similar?
He's not willing to leave because he can't afford a place and when the divorce comes through (WHEN) he will have most of his (small) wages garnished.
Has she tried talking to any social service groups for domestic violence, alcoholism or someone at her church (if she attends one that is)? I'm sure that a women's shelter would help her. She needs a list of phone numbers and agencies she can call for protection as well as assistance. Maybe you could help her by compiling useful information for her.
She might benefit from Al-Anon, she can find the phone number for the local organization.
She'll be able to identify with others in the same boat and, believe it nor not, that helps a lot.
She needs to learn about herself, how to protect herself and how to take care of herself.
Alcoholism is a family disease and she's got to get treatment herself. Frequently, going to meetings and talking and identifying with others is exactly what is called for.
No one can do it for her, she has to do it for herself.
Any comment I make is purely based on my own experience. Get help for yourself, and don't listen to your sister's drama. She is a big girl. She made choices and continues this drama. She could easily leave and take her children with her and go to a shelter. She chooses not to do this. Don't listen to her discuss her husband again. It will just upset you. She is full of..."yes, but" with any suggestion you might make....
You can ask for all the help you want, but you already know your sister will not take your advice or your help. She is an adult woman with almost grown children. At some point, she will grow up and take responsibility for her actions and behavior: staying with an abuser. And perhaps then she will put the children's welfare in priority position and do something about the situation.
I agree with Jasper - stop listening to her cry on your shoulder because it's not helping her and it's dragging you down. YOU are doing more than she is to help her situation.
Any fixation on constant drunken living is not a sign of some sort of "disease"- Those who separate themselves from the world and their loved ones with booze or dope- are committing the ultimate act of utter self centered selfishness. I know from experience that being drunk most of the time is a show of "I don't give a damn for anyone but myself"------------My advice is not to dwell on the drinking..but to constantly remind the drunk how selfish they are- don't even bring booze into the conversation...They are always prepared with a defense. Keep telling the jerk and remind them..how selfish they are till they give it some thought.
Also- most people have this AA approach that instills fear of alcohol in a person- that they should never touch another drop of the demon rum ever again. One must have sober days...and one must realize that booze is making their life worse...not better. In the meantime..........concentrate on the person cos in reality- the problem does not come from a bottle- it comes from what exists in the person already.
He can't be THAT bad if she's willing to stay in the house with him...and staying with him for "the kids" is is just a cop-out to excuse her from actually making a move... does she feel that the kids will fare better with an abusive, alchoholic serial cheater for a role model...maybe giving up the house to get away would be worth it....
I've been married to an alcoholic. My best advice to anyone is to stay as far away from an alcoholic as you can get. (Same goes for someone that uses drugs.) Meet someone that has to have a drink every evening, don't give them a second look.
People who choose to stay in bad relationships, cry and whine about how terrible it is...then, when you make a concrete plan, they poke holes in it. They don't want advice, they either want money, or just someone to listen to their drama.
If it was really bad, she would leave, with her kids. No house is worth being abused. It is not about money or a place to live. People start looking at those stupid issues. Completely wrong value system. Kids are better off living in a studio apartment, sleeping on a mattress on the floor, then in a castle with an abusive parent. And domestic violence is abuse.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
