Should I keep my surgery a secret from my parents? (wife, father)
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Now seriously. I'm going to have knee surgery 2 weeks from now and I've decided not to tell anyone besides a friend. This friend is the one who's going to take me to the hospital, then pick me up and spend a few days at my house to help me out.
I'll have to stay 4 days in the hospital because I can't leave the bed (there must be minimal movement). I already hate hospitals so I need peace and quiet to be able to rest and recover. I don't want any visitors, just my iPod and my books.
If I told my mother she would panic and think I'm on my death bed. She would ask a million questions, she would want to take care of everything and find faults in every single detail of the process. I know she has good intentions but she would just make me more anxious. I couldn't care less about the surgery or dying, but this is still my first surgery and the first time under general anesthesia.
My friend is being an incredibly generous guy because he's leaving his wife and kids to stay with me after the surgery (my single friends are all gone now). I'll need help to go the toilet, change clothes, etc. My housekeeper takes care of the meals. After that I'll probably have no other choice but to ask my brother for help because I don't want to mess up with my friend's life too much (and my brother is married as well).
I won't tell my mother after the surgery as well because otherwise she would spend everyday doing what she likes: bossing around my house, bashing my housekeeper's work, putting everything the way she likes, etc.
However, I wonder if she would be a bit mad at me if she ever finds out. My father doesn't usually care about anything I do but this time I think he would because he's a retired doctor and always likes to accompany family members in their medical issues.
Do you parents live close enough or call or visit often enough to find out?
Or would they find out from your brother?
Have you lived away from home more than 2 or 3 years? (If you are fairly young then I would say it is more important to tell them. If you are over 30 then it would seem more understandable why you would want to handle it on your own).
This is tricky. I can see keeping it from your parents, because they might over-react but I can see how they might feel hurt if you don't tell them.
Maybe you could keep it quiet and if your mom finds out later explain that the doctor said absolutely no visitors in the hospital so that you would be quiet and not move.
BTW You have an absolutely wonderful friend to help you like that.
I'm 36. Yes, my parents and I live in the same city. A very big metro area but we can still visit each other easily nonetheless. My mother usually rings me up once a week and she never visits without asking because she known I don't like it.
We're both very attached to each other (I'm not a mummy's boy though, I can keep my ground and my house is my house), so I know she would probably be sad and say I should trust her more.
My friend is a great guy. He's the only friend who kept in touch with me after he married.
Obviously, I know that. But I can't expect my mother not to care about what's going on with me, even as an adult. I just wanted some input about what do you guys think of the situation and what you would do, etc.
Now seriously. I'm going to have knee surgery 2 weeks from now and I've decided not to tell anyone besides a friend. This friend is the one who's going to take me to the hospital, then pick me up and spend a few days at my house to help me out.
I'll have to stay 4 days in the hospital because I can't leave the bed (there must be minimal movement). I already hate hospitals so I need peace and quiet to be able to rest and recover. I don't want any visitors, just my iPod and my books.
If I told my mother she would panic and think I'm on my death bed. She would ask a million questions, she would want to take care of everything and find faults in every single detail of the process. I know she has good intentions but she would just make me more anxious. I couldn't care less about the surgery or dying, but this is still my first surgery and the first time under general anesthesia.
My friend is being an incredibly generous guy because he's leaving his wife and kids to stay with me after the surgery (my single friends are all gone now). I'll need help to go the toilet, change clothes, etc. My housekeeper takes care of the meals. After that I'll probably have no other choice but to ask my brother for help because I don't want to mess up with my friend's life too much (and my brother is married as well).
I won't tell my mother after the surgery as well because otherwise she would spend everyday doing what she likes: bossing around my house, bashing my housekeeper's work, putting everything the way she likes, etc.
However, I wonder if she would be a bit mad at me if she ever finds out. My father doesn't usually care about anything I do but this time I think he would because he's a retired doctor and always likes to accompany family members in their medical issues.
As someone who just went through knee surgery 2 weeks ago, I completely understand your desire for limiting your anxiety at this time.
I too refused offers from my mother and close friends to come stay with me and "help". At times like this, I only want my husband with me, and my privacy.
That being said, it was very important to me over this recovery period to have the emotional support my mother and friends gave me by phone, emails, texts and cards. I can't imagine having kept the news of my surgery from any of them. Then again, they know how to respect my boundaries too.
Since your mom and dad would not give you what you really need at this time, I'd understand you waiting until after your recovery to fill them in. But don't keep it from them forever! They would be hurt to find out some other way at a much later time. Just be honest and tell them after the fact.
And besides, you are likely to need a few rides to physical therapy and doctor's appts, let your parents help then - you won't be able to drive and they can feel like they contributed.
Best of luck - and remember to take your pain meds right on schedule, even if you don't feel like you need pain relief at that moment. It is crucial to stay ahead of the pain, because if it gets ahead of you, you never get it under control without going back to the hospital for IV pain medication.
If my kid had surgery and didn't tell me, I honestly don't know how I would feel. Incredibly hurt.
Like if he got married without telling me.
I don't get it. Just tell them. Then if they are going to be PITAs, tell them to cut it out or stay home.
Yes, I can't see the point in not mentioning it to them. There's such a thing as independence but it's something else when you just want your parents completely out of your life. So mom might worry -- that's what they do and if dad was a doctor, it could be good to get his input.
As the daughter of a worry-wart mom, I completely understand you're not wanting to tell her. I often don't tell my mom about very major things in my life (I keep things on a need to know basis).
However, as a parent, I would hope my child would tell me if she was getting surgery. I don't think I would be mad at her though - just disappointed.
Sorry, but none of your reasons for not telling are good enough...
Not to scare you, but did your doctor explain to you the risks, even with "minor" surgery
You will sign forms stating all this has been explained to you, you will sign a HIV test release too.
Another release in case you need to be given blood.
What do you plan on doing after the four days? You will still be "disabled".
Modern surgery is NOTHING like you see on TV.
Last edited by Trackwatch; 06-29-2012 at 07:56 PM..
Reason: Reread OP
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