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I've found the marriage/kids thing to be mixed when it comes to friendship. I'm single & childfree. I've been told by married/parent friends that I'm pretty understanding when it comes to the demands a spouse/kid can make on one's time.
Some married/parent friends still take some time and effort to maintain their friendships. No problems at all with this set and we've maintained our friendships, even if contact isn't as frequent as it used to be.
Some go through a phase where they want friends who are married/parents. I let it run its course, at least one friend ended up resuming the friendship when she got bored with mommy friends she didn't have much in common with.
Some will pretty much look down on you/disdain you for not making the same life choices. One such friend and his wife, who hates all of his female friends, disinvited me and another single friend from going out to dinner with them and another couple because they wanted a "couples only" dinner. Which would have been their choice, if they'd planned it that way and we hadn't been invited to begin with. I thought it was really rude & obnoxious. My other single friend has chosen to maintain friendships with these people.
I'm civil to them because we have some mutual friends, but I don't consider them friends after they pulled that garbage. My friend (the one who's wife hates all of his female friends) had a milestone birthday and I sent my regrets when his wife sent the invite. I didn't send a gift either. Sorry, if I'm the single pariah who needs to be disnivited to your "couples only" dinner, there's no way in hell I'm spending my time and money on your milestone birthday. Go celebrate with the coupled friends you prefer to socialize with.
Even though the other couple didn't initiate the "couples only" disinvite, they went along with it. So when they had a baby, I didn't bother sending a gift though I usually do. The husband is the one I knew first, and he made a big deal of whether I got the baby announcement, first Christmas photo. Between these 2 couples, I've spent hundreds of dollars on wedding & baby related stuff. I'm done going out of my way for people like that.
Btw, most of my friends spouses, wives included, tend to like me because I always make it a point to ask how they're doing and about their jobs, families, interests. If I tell a story from before they met the spouse, I always explain the background of it so they don't feel excluded.
As for Facebook, I get comments from single, divorced, parents, childless and childfree. And I make comments on all of those groups too.
Though when the "couples only" friend had a kid participating in a fundraiser, I notice he didn't reply to my comment about how they should be proud of their son for wanting to help someone else. There was no way in hell I was donating as I'd already shelled out enough for his wedding/wife's bridal shower/baby gifts for his kids. But I figured it wouldn't hurt to give a little goodwill and say something nice. Plus I really thought it was impressive his son was that thoughtful of others at his age. He did manage to thank the people who donated.
Last edited by exscapegoat; 08-06-2012 at 08:09 PM..
When I hit my thirties, many of my friends ended up married while I remained single. For the most part, that's not when we drifted apart. When they were married and childless, we all hung out just like we always had. The two exceptions were two different friends who suddenly only hung out with their relatives after they got married; anyone who was not a cousin, sibling, or sibling-in-law was out.
But then when the married ones started having kids, that's when they left the planet. Everything became pedo-centric. Then I started opting-out of get-togethers, or I was eventually not invited anymore because I hadn't replicated.
So I never saw much of a rift between the single and married, just the child-free and child-focused.
@ exscapegoat, personally I would have ditched friends like that, even if it's the partner who is the arsehole. That's a horrible and insensitive thing to say to someone. I would just sever ties - you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
When I hit my thirties, many of my friends ended up married while I remained single. For the most part, that's not when we drifted apart. When they were married and childless, we all hung out just like we always had. The two exceptions were two different friends who suddenly only hung out with their relatives after they got married; anyone who was not a cousin, sibling, or sibling-in-law was out.
But then when the married ones started having kids, that's when they left the planet. Everything became pedo-centric. Then I started opting-out of get-togethers, or I was eventually not invited anymore because I hadn't replicated.
So I never saw much of a rift between the single and married, just the child-free and child-focused.
Fantastic post. Exactly what I've experienced, actually, with a few exceptions. One more thing: the marrieds (the wife) are much more to wanting to fix you up, with who suits them and not you, and that's yet another reason to bail. But, true, most of the time, they bail.
I've pretty much been in a relationship (though not married) for the past 10 years, so my married friends have stopped the "fixing up" thing. But back when I was still unattached, my married friends did always want to set me up, so I can relate. It was almost like they wanted me to become "one of them" so that they could still associate with me. I felt totally fine being the "7th wheel" if I went out with 3 couples, but for some reason, some of them were VERY uncomfortable with there being an odd-wheel.
I've pretty much been in a relationship (though not married) for the past 10 years, so my married friends have stopped the "fixing up" thing. But back when I was still unattached, my married friends did always want to set me up, so I can relate. It was almost like they wanted me to become "one of them" so that they could still associate with me. I felt totally fine being the "7th wheel" if I went out with 3 couples, but for some reason, some of them were VERY uncomfortable with there being an odd-wheel.
Correct. THEIR requirement. In fact, this exact same sensation oftentimes keeps me from attending church, and especially church functions, where the attitude is similar. But, not to digress, back to married/non-married and Facebook.
I've noticed a lot of my friends drift away when tehy married and had kids. They tend to associate only with the same types - married and/or with kids.
I admit it bothers me - it's not my choice to be single and/or childless. It's something I had no control over. And just because I *am* single and childless doesn't mean I've changed from what they knew me as. I realize having a child changes your life, and couples would rather associated with other couples, but I find it sad that those people decide they can no longer be bothered with their single friends.
I've noticed a lot of my friends drift away when tehy married and had kids. They tend to associate only with the same types - married and/or with kids.
I admit it bothers me - it's not my choice to be single and/or childless. It's something I had no control over. And just because I *am* single and childless doesn't mean I've changed from what they knew me as. I realize having a child changes your life, and couples would rather associated with other couples, but I find it sad that those people decide they can no longer be bothered with their single friends.
I think it's sad too, although I do have British and European friends with kids, some of whom don't talk about their kids non-stop and would still want to hang out if I were living in the same area still. I think it's ****ty though, especially as they may later need the friends they ditched, if their marriages end up tuning pear shaped. Often I find it's the partner who decides that he or she doesn't like the other partner's friends for whatever reason. My ex wife would sometimes do the same, calling one of my childhood friends a "loser". I'll never be with anyone like that again.
I guess if I was sick of seeing posts about someone's kids, I'd delete them. I initially opened my Facebook account so I could keep up with what the kids of our extended family members were doing. Years ago people might send a letter with some pics via snail mail.
I've noticed a lot of posts lately on C-D lately about what jerks those with kids can be. While I think this is true, sometimes having kids brings changes to your life that might be hard to understand until they actually happen.
My sister has no kids, and it seems to be a huge source of friction in our relationship, and I'm not sure why really. Yet I know others where it isn't such a relationship.
Most of my peers were married with kids before I was...it never bothered me. Yes it did change our friendships a bit. But it never bothered me in the same way it seems to bother my sister or the way it seems to bother some of the people on this forum.
I opened mine initially to see what people were up to. I then kept it open to post travel photos and to look at others' travel photos. If a FB page doesn't have cool travel photos, then it's boring to me. Seeing surfers from HS with their spouses and inbred looking kids in Hawaii with their umbrella drinks doesn't qualify as interesting.
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