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I don't have anything to add except that I agree most with this and I don't blame you for anything you did. I'm not about to accuse you of being an enabler or anything like that b/c it sounds like she's really unpleasant when she's not drinking and who wouldn't buy her alcohol to keep her sweet? You've done more than enough for her and if your family yells at you for unloading her then tell them to go get her. And watch with amusement as their mouths snap shut. LOL.
My #1 and 2 rule with family relationships is that your own husband and children come first and that I never work harder on someone than they're willing to do for themselves.
I've learned your rule #1 and 2 within the last few years of my adult life. I've never had the pleasure of having children, but I certainly put my husband before anything. He's earned that right by rescuing me and being at my side just like he vowed he would.
I never knew how hard it would be to watch people I love become so self destructive and not be willing to do anything more for themselves. I guess its the detachment I'm struggling with Stepka...this "detaching" from the toxicity without feeling guilty and still feel like I'm doing the right thing-I've been manipulated like a puppet for a long time within the confines of my family unit and it has taken more strength than I knew I had to be able to get this far.
We had litterally run out of money for these things and that's when her behavior went from bad to really worse. I've finally had the balls to stop shutting myself in my room in my own house and now I just go about my business letting her hang her emotions out for the world to see.....and just ignore it. The problem I foresee is that now she's going to be on disability, which means (and I don't know how much she'll get or what-have-you) but I can figure it won't be enough for her to sustain a home of her own, which was a bright future if she had a job and could move out.
Now I feel...stuck with her until I litteraly kick her out.
Which is ironic because she's already telling the family that she's homeless (she claims its funny when I've told her repeatedly it's not) and now I'd like to make her dream come true....
Not sure what you know about SSDI...But my brother who has a heart valve and some major health issues has been trying and going through appeal after appeal for about 6+ years. You can't wait until she gets disability. If she is qualified for indigent type medical programs and has been accepted for others like food stamps etc. Get her to let you go with her to her case manager....and discuss the need for treatment. They should have some treatment programs for indigent folks, and part of their recovery plan will be to live independently and find employment etc. Discuss w/ this case manager the issues you've made known here...Tell her that your sister needs housing because you are going to put her on the street, and tell her why. The fact that she lives w/ you and you help her is a catch 22, She won't qualify for some programs, because she has a home and you are probably footing the bills.....so..She isn't totally homeless and destitute....You can fix that.
I commend you for trying to the detriment of your own needs, many folks wouldn't. Try some of the ideas of myself and others...if all else fails pack her and drive her to your Mom's....or just buy her a bus ticket. Good luck...be well.
The one thing that juts out at me is that many enablers have little self-respect and are therefore unable to set boundaries. This is somewhat true - but familial situations always seem to put members of the same family into different configurations; i.e., 'the helper', 'the scapegoat', 'the lazy one', 'the mean one'. Seems to me that if you try to change this configuration from being 'the helper' into 'the mean one' it is going to be very difficult for you - unless you have the self-respect and the purpose-drive to achieve it.
I have to tell you though that it is a lot more fun, a lot less stressful, and a lot less trouble if you choose to become 'the mean one'. You may not get invited to family reunions, but you'll eventually figure out that you are grateful for that, and don't really care - because you make your own life. Or - you can choose to continue in the configuration in which your family and your sister has 'boxed' you. Your Choice.
I believe I can shed some light on this now that you guys have forced me to look long and hard in the proverbial mirror here......
self-respect is a multi-layered and foreign feeling when your surroundings all of your life (from early childhood through the tender adolescent stage and into early adulthood) have been mired in disrespect and disrespectful situations. So, in speaking for myself here, I can attest to thinking I had a ton of self-respect when it came to sex (for example I'm not a ***** or a ****) but when it comes to helping someone in need, someone who I trusted not to hurt me in my family, well that's where the multi-layers seem to overlap my better judgment.
I never connected the need for self respect against them-like I had been taught to have self respect against society. Only a month or so ago, I had the brightest revelation occur to me, and it may be this "self respect" you mention up above.
As my mother was 3 sheets to the wind, my same sister "Jan" drunk as a skunk, we received news upon my way out from my mother's 70th b-day party that my other sister Chris' son (my nephew) had drowned in a terrible accident.
guess what? he was drunk. There are more drunks in my family than craters on the moon, and this accident was really no surprise to any of us, but the grieving process had begun that night, just as my husband and I were walking out.
And....I had already been there a week, I was emotionally exhausted, made all of the necessary phone calls because I was NOT drunk, and 5 hours later, I was finally packed and ready to depart. My mother flipped A LID! She went ballistic that I had the gall, nay the NERVE to even THINK about walking "out on her in her time of need", and this coming from slurred words and shaky knees as both she and my sister cornered me in the kitchen, with my sober father holding my dog in the living room. Hostage? I don't really know to this day why he wouldn't give up my dog, but anyway.....I had heard enough of the pettiness from the both of them about how Chris didn't call her momma first on the list with this news. They were actually knocking her for how she choose to grieve!
And that's when the epiphany hit. Like a HUGE Light bulb went off in my head that flashed in neon "WALK OUT THE DOOR. YOU ARE AN ADULT IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. WALK...JUST WALK...IT'S VERY SIMPLE...WALK DAMMIT!" and my husband grabbed my poor, confused dog, and I walked out on my mother on the night my nephew drowned.
And I haven't talked to a soul in the family since. My neice drove Jan back to my house since that's where she's living, and I was depressed all over again to see her, and have to face the music of what cataclysmic events I had started.
No one walks out on the matriarch.
*snicker* I was the first.
I thank Xanax......
but yeah, self-respect. I found some that night. so for people like me, it's an epiphany. It's a foreign feeling. it's something we don't relate to because, well, why would a group of manipulators want to teach a child about protecting themselves from the predators that feed on insecurity?
My configuration entailed all of those terms you described. I had worn those hats more than once throughout my life with my family. Having this kind of self-respect against that family means my configuration went from "Peacekeeper" to "black sheep" and I am O.K. with that.
Not sure what you know about SSDI...But my brother who has a heart valve and some major health issues has been trying and going through appeal after appeal for about 6+ years. You can't wait until she gets disability. If she is qualified for indigent type medical programs and has been accepted for others like food stamps etc. Get her to let you go with her to her case manager....and discuss the need for treatment. They should have some treatment programs for indigent folks, and part of their recovery plan will be to live independently and find employment etc. Discuss w/ this case manager the issues you've made known here...Tell her that your sister needs housing because you are going to put her on the street, and tell her why. The fact that she lives w/ you and you help her is a catch 22, She won't qualify for some programs, because she has a home and you are probably footing the bills.....so..She isn't totally homeless and destitute....You can fix that.
I commend you for trying to the detriment of your own needs, many folks wouldn't. Try some of the ideas of myself and others...if all else fails pack her and drive her to your Mom's....or just buy her a bus ticket. Good luck...be well.
I have to look all of this up-I know she is lying to the food stamp office to expedite her claim (and in my opinion, it's because she thinks we have an agreement, she can buy the groceries and we'll buy her beer b/c that's what my roommate was doing, but boy is she gonna be pi$$ed when that does not happen).
So, yeah.....I'll have to drive her to the appointments, but she keeps all of these conversations hidden from me now since I went off on her for telling EVERYONE she was homeless.
How unstable is she?? When you say she'll go off....is there any threat physically? Sounds like she really needs to leave, as you are in jeopardy from her whims and does she bring strangers to your home?? I'd take her to your Mom's and drive away.
"So, yeah.....I'll have to drive her to the appointments."
Why? No buses in your area? Enabling is doing for someone what they can do themselves. Disability, food stamps and all of that is her issue ...not yours. I bet if she had to find her way to buy booze...she would. She is not a child, you are not her mommy. IMO you have a real need to be needed. You seem to operate on auto pilot, in constant reaction to her emotions, your life has become centered around your sister and her issues. This is not your struggle.
Without your enabling she would have to face the consequences of her bad decisions/actions.
Read more about bounderies, enabling and Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics, you may be surprised to find out that most of this stems from being the child of an "A".
"So, yeah.....I'll have to drive her to the appointments."
Why? No buses in your area? Enabling is doing for someone what they can do themselves. Disability, food stamps and all of that is her issue ...not yours. I bet if she had to find her way to buy booze...she would. She is not a child, you are not her mommy. IMO you have a real need to be needed. You seem to operate on auto pilot, in constant reaction to her emotions, your life has become centered around your sister and her issues. This is not your struggle.
Without your enabling she would have to face the consequences of her bad decisions/actions.
Read more about bounderies, enabling and Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics, you may be surprised to find out that most of this stems from being the child of an "A".
Autopilot from assuming she'll be drunk I guess. I used to think it was because I was unable to bear any children that this all stemmed from biological clock ticking uncontrollably since I recall I used to be quite a selfish person before the clock ticked at all......
but you are right. I can cut all ties and make her do all of this herself except I doubt she'll follow through with anything. I just need to get rid of her, and the sooner the better?
How unstable is she?? When you say she'll go off....is there any threat physically? Sounds like she really needs to leave, as you are in jeopardy from her whims and does she bring strangers to your home?? I'd take her to your Mom's and drive away.
She poses no threat while my husband is around, that's for sure. I found ONE person she really respects around the house.
She is a hermit-she doesn't even make eye contact with people, refuses to answer the door if the neighbors drop by, and no, there will never be anyone in the house. Getting her to go run her own errands is hard, she went 4 years without a drivers license due to multiple DUIs and she says she has panic attacks when she drives.
Excuse or not, enabler or not, it's my car and there is no public transportation.
Some of these posts make it all sound so simple and easy, and if it were, for me anyway, I wouldn't be here on CDF.
It took me a long time to realize that some people won't respect boundaries no matter what and to avoid those people if at all possible. The thing is when we're raised without the basic defense of setting boundaries, other dysfunctional people sense this and are attracted to it. What I found is I had a lot of boundary stompers in my life. I've also been fortunate to have some very good people in my life. As we get better at setting boundaries, it helps weed out the boundary stompers and more good people come into our lives. But it's not easy and it takes time and practice. Don't forget we're learning this stuff as adults while some people learned it as kids from good parenting.
You sure have some wonderful insight. Very valuable information that you are sharing.
She poses no threat while my husband is around, that's for sure. I found ONE person she really respects around the house.
She is a hermit-she doesn't even make eye contact with people, refuses to answer the door if the neighbors drop by, and no, there will never be anyone in the house. Getting her to go run her own errands is hard, she went 4 years without a drivers license due to multiple DUIs and she says she has panic attacks when she drives.
Excuse or not, enabler or not, it's my car and there is no public transportation.
Some of these posts make it all sound so simple and easy, and if it were, for me anyway, I wouldn't be here on CDF.
The reasons for your not being able to let go, even thought you want to, are the same reasons so many folks are suggesting that you read up on Co-dependency. It is critical for your mental and emotional health.
You said that you had not even been part of this family group of people for years, certainly not growing w/ this sister who now controls you daily life. You go to your Mom's after having distanced yourself from toxic relatives and all of a sudden you are this sister's whole reason for living.
Take a look at this picture....Not bashing...just hoping to help you have a light bulb moment.
I also am going to point out....with all the distance you took to get away from your dysfunctional family...you then uprooted yourself and husband when your friend lost her husband. Most people would not do that, a phone call , perhaps a visit but not relocation....that is true co-dependency. Please take a peek at these links...and do some research of your own, lots of info out there.
some links Codependency - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary
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