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I repeat my comment about how total strangers on this site seem so willing to make assumptions about other total strangers based on so very little and on top of that have the gall to tell a stranger what they are thinking or feeling!
How about just asking a simple question instead of having the arrogance to believe you know what someone else is "really" thinking or feeling?!
Been there. You are feeling used and kind of irritated with yourself for putting so much into the gathering.
You mentioned their little "anecdotes" about you at an earlier period in your life and that is what would have really set me off, on several levels. First of all, you are not that same person (we all grow and change) and secondly, the responses to making you the topic of conversation for their amusement is vaguely hostile and a put down. YET . . . not as though you can confront anyone about any of it . . . if you were to do so, they would simply say "Oh, my - why are you so touchy?" etc. However, any of us would have felt uncomfortable that this was the chosen topic of conversation. It was passive aggressive - definitely.
Plus they truly took advantage of your resources and time . . . as if that were their right. You were there to serve their needs. It feels almost as though they felt you "owed" it to them.
I have been used in this same way on several occasions, but never by the same person (or group of people) twice! At this stage of my life (I am much older than you!) . . . I can see what is unfolding within a few sentences of the request to get me involved in someone else's plans. Just consider this your entree into how sometimes, it is best to drift from some relationships. You may want to continue w/ your relationship with the male friend . . . but I would not allow myself to be put in a similar situation with the overall group in the future.
There have been some rather snarky comments on this thread and they were undeserved. You have every reason to be examining your feelings. You were used - and on top of it, your self esteem was even attacked, abeit in a subtle and passive aggressive way. These are toxic folks parading as "caring" friends who came to see you over a holiday. Avoid like the plague in the future, especially if they attempt to cast you as the willing concierge.
Yes. So I am not crazy! Little things keep coming back to me. I have a Blackberry for work (unhip I know but who cares) and they made a big deal "Oh, is that the last Blackberry on Earth?" In college, I had a hair disaster that my old friend was involved in helping rectify and they brought that up one night at dinner in a very catty sort of way. They asked my SO how he liked living in the city we are in and he said he did, to which old friend replied "Its nice, but there would have to be some CHANGES before I could live here."
Yes. So I am not crazy! Little things keep coming back to me. I have a Blackberry for work (unhip I know but who cares) and they made a big deal "Oh, is that the last Blackberry on Earth?" In college, I had a hair disaster that my old friend was involved in helping rectify and they brought that up one night at dinner in a very catty sort of way. They asked my SO how he liked living in the city we are in and he said he did, to which old friend replied "Its nice, but there would have to be some CHANGES before I could live here."
The more you tell about these people, the more I am picturing the couple next door in the movie "Christmas Vacation".
I had to look that up! Perhaps. But think a more hip, more intellectual version. The kind of people that buy $600 pants at Barneys that look like they were constructed of old rags. No meat, no makeup, hiking trips in the Himalayas.
I had to look that up! Perhaps. But think a more hip, more intellectual version. The kind of people that buy $600 pants at Barneys that look like they were constructed of old rags. No meat, no makeup, hiking trips in the Himalayas.
Ugh. Makes me glad I lie in the midwest where most people are very down-to-earth. But I know the type, I lived in California for 25 years.
Ohhhhh, goodness, I only know too well of people that come to visit, are nice on the surface, but are obviously trying to reaffirm their own life choices against yours.
Most of my New York/New Jersey family is this way. When they used to visit me in the different areas I lived they'd ask for recommendations on what to do and you could just tell nothing was ever good enough. I hated feeling defensive about the places I liked.
I don't have much contact with them, as they're just too arrogant and annoying. They lack respect for other people's choices and want to put themselves above others. It was only after I married and saw how "odd" their behavior was to an outsider (my husband) that I let go of the whole thing and realized it wasn't just me being oddly annoyed with them.
There is no changing this type of behavior in others. Just move on.
Ohhhhh, goodness, I only know too well of people that come to visit, are nice on the surface, but are obviously trying to reaffirm their own life choices against yours.
Most of my New York/New Jersey family is this way. When they used to visit me in the different areas I lived they'd ask for recommendations on what to do and you could just tell nothing was ever good enough. I hated feeling defensive about the places I liked.
I don't have much contact with them, as they're just too arrogant and annoying. They lack respect for other people's choices and want to put themselves above others. It was only after I married and saw how "odd" their behavior was to an outsider (my husband) that I let go of the whole thing and realized it wasn't just me being oddly annoyed with them.
There is no changing this type of behavior in others. Just move on.
I think you are right. Part of me wants to let them know why I am moving on, but I think I should probably just be the bigger person. As I said there is nothing that ever comes to a head where I can just level with them. There is a lot of undertow, much of which I am unable to pinpoint until after I leave them.
They ended this visit with INSISTING that I come to visit them. I will actually be om their side of the world in a few months but there is no way that I will initiate any contact.
It bothers you because they were rude. I mean, subtracting everything else, what they expected was a little much for someone they didn't know well. I'd be mad too and I'd never invite them back. Either one of them.
Uh no, sorry, you are on the wrong track here. My posts are vague in the off chance that one of them is on here, reading this. I spent the holidays with my SO in tow, and there is absolutely none of the "what ifs" going on. But I appreciate your perpsective.
Ok, my guess then is that it bothers you because you wanted everyone to be close friends and it didn't work out that way. Spending the weekend with one of BF's ex-GFs was probably what turned current GF off.
I had some friends visit over Thanksgiving who I hadn't seen in a while. Nothing terrible happened but I came away from the weekend just feeling like crap in a way I can't put my finger on.
One of the friends is an pal from college (we dated very briefly but there was no spark at all and have been in touch on and off for several years.) The other is his girlfriend who is gracious enough to be pleasant to me, but I am sure would not lose sleep if I dropped off the planet. Both are successful and well-to-do and live in an expensive city far away. They travel a lot, have no kids, etc. etc.
Everyone seemed to have a good time but there was this sort of undercurrent of dissaproval. The place I live is gorgeous but they had odd, gentle critiques of the city, the weather, the culture, etc. Nothing mean but the cumulative effect is making me feel sort of down. I tried really hard to be a good host and show them around but nothing seemed good enough. There was never a confrontation but I came away from the weekend feeling very ineffectual and exhausted.
This has happended to me also. A friend of my husband brought his wife and new baby to visit. She was so negative to the point it actually pissed her husband off! Some people just can't be good visitors... It is very draining.
I think you were taken advantage of, as they wanted you to provide the entertainment...
Dump these bums!!! NO MORE!! hahaha. You don't need their friendship, or whatever it's called!
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