I Moved; Nobody Has Come to Vist Me (girlfriend, father, husband)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Okay, first of all, I could swear there used to be a non-romantic relationships board but now I'm not seeing it. Am I crazy...? If so and that board is somewhere, can a mod move this?
So here it is. I moved from New Jersey to Southern California eight years ago with my husband and our first son together (we now have two sons).
My older son was having very bad health problems that we felt were exacerbated by the cold/wetness, which was a huge part of why we moved. Another huge part is/was that my husband's family is all here and he was obviously homesick. At the time that we moved my oldest son was planning to move to Maryland, my sister and BIL (he has since passed away) were planning to move to Florida and my brother was in Pennsylvania and just really didn't seem interested in getting together much. Everybody was moving and the cards seemed lined up that we should make this move. Everything fell through, my oldest son and sister never moved out of NJ and here I am, the one who "went away."
In that time I've been back to the northeast twice. Then an additional time, my sister and niece went on a tour from San Francisco down to L.A. and I went to visit my sister a couple of times (once each day that she was in L.A.) at her hotel room. I took the kids and it was quite a long drive for me but she would have had no clue where she was going so I went to her.
My family and friends on Facebook constantly tell me how much they miss me, etc. but NOBODY has come to visit me, not once in eight years. My husband has pointed out to me that they don't really want to see me that badly or they'd be out. My sister has an adult daughter (my niece), my brother has no children, my oldest son has no attachments, my aunts and uncles are all retired with free time, etc.
The exceptions are my two best friends, both of whom have three children each. It is hard to travel with children -- one of the reasons I have only been back twice. It's also very expensive to take them along so I went alone. ETA: Sorry! What I meant by this is that they are the exceptions as far as people who would find it easy (relatively) to come out. No, they haven't come out.
I am homesick frequently but what my husband and our therapist said (they agreed on this point) about how the family may just not want that badly to see me is making me hesitant to go back (I had made a firm decision to go back and visit this year).
What do you all think? I feel like my family thinks it's on me because I'm the one who moved, and my husband thinks it's on my family because so many of them are freer to come and go than I am.
I've only been moving myself for two years, and only one friend has visited me, but I was only a 4 hour bus ride away from her at the time.
The truth is, I think life just gets in the way. I do agree that if you feel someone is worth it, you make it work (barring it being too expensive, etc).
Have you tried actually setting up dates? I know that even with myself, I tend to tell people I'd like to visit and never do. Sometimes I just "dive in" and say "I'll be coming the weekend of the 27th" or something like that. Something about actually setting a date gets people rolling.
Also, in the age of constant online communication, I believe in some peoples minds it's a "good enough" substitute for keeping tabs. I don't agree with this, but it's what we deal with.
It is expensive to fly, and it is a lot to expect of people. Maybe you could try and plan a special week/weekend and offer to host in your home or meet some of your friends in a mutual city? I plan on vacationing with a girlfriend in Chicago, yet she lives in Arizona. It's just easier for us to meet there. Take it upon yourself to try and plan something? I'm sorry, I know it's hard, but maybe you should just try and get the ball rolling.
You say your two best friends visited you? You are very lucky. I can honestly say at the ripe age of 23, there are very few people I would fly out to California for.
I assure you, the non-romantic forum is still there.
I moved over the course of a 6 year stretch from MI to OH to NC. While in OH, absolutely NO ONE in my family came to see me. But, they gave me an ear full if I didn't make plans to visit them ...
While in NC, only my in-laws came to see me ... the visits were pretty short, over the course of a 3 day weekend. My father didn't step out to visit until my son was born - he came down for a couple days. Aside from that, NO ONE came to see me.
It is fairly normal - you're the one that moved, why should they spend the money to travel when it is just easier to expect you to make the trip home?
I've moved all over the country, and have never been visited. People are busy and on budgets.. It seems a bit odd to expect people to do that, especially if you're not paying their entire way.
My family and friends on Facebook constantly tell me how much they miss me, etc. but NOBODY has come to visit me, not once in eight years. My husband has pointed out to me that they don't really want to see me that badly or they'd be out. My sister has an adult daughter (my niece), my brother has no children, my oldest son has no attachments, my aunts and uncles are all retired with free time, etc.
The exceptions are my two best friends, both of whom have three children each. It is hard to travel with children -- one of the reasons I have only been back twice. It's also very expensive to take them along so I went alone.
I am homesick frequently but what my husband and our therapist said (they agreed on this point) about how the family may just not want that badly to see me is making me hesitant to go back (I had made a firm decision to go back and visit this year).
What do you all think? I feel like my family thinks it's on me because I'm the one who moved, and my husband thinks it's on my family because so many of them are freer to come and go than I am.
Okay, first of all, I could swear there used to be a non-romantic relationships board but now I'm not seeing it. Am I crazy...? If so and that board is somewhere, can a mod move this?
So here it is. I moved from New Jersey to Southern California eight years ago with my husband and our first son together (we now have two sons).
In that time I've been back to the northeast twice. Then an additional time, my sister and niece went on a tour from San Francisco down to L.A. and I went to visit my sister a couple of times (once each day that she was in L.A.) at her hotel room. I took the kids and it was quite a long drive for me but she would have had no clue where she was going so I went to her.
My family and friends on Facebook constantly tell me how much they miss me, etc. but NOBODY has come to visit me, not once in eight years. My husband has pointed out to me that they don't really want to see me that badly or they'd be out. My sister has an adult daughter (my niece), my brother has no children, my oldest son has no attachments, my aunts and uncles are all retired with free time, etc.
The exceptions are my two best friends, both of whom have three children each. It is hard to travel with children -- one of the reasons I have only been back twice. It's also very expensive to take them along so I went alone.
I am homesick frequently but what my husband and our therapist said (they agreed on this point) about how the family may just not want that badly to see me is making me hesitant to go back (I had made a firm decision to go back and visit this year).
What do you all think? I feel like my family thinks it's on me because I'm the one who moved, and my husband thinks it's on my family because so many of them are freer to come and go than I am.
I'm in the middle. Been crying all day.
Thanks for any insight.
Hugs to you sweetheart!
I am so sorry you've been crying all day.
I don't think your husband should have said what he did about nobody wanting to see you that badly, because in the first place that's probably not true, but in the second place it was not very supportive. A pox on him!!!
Okay, if you really like him and want me to, I'll remove the pox
Seriously, this is SOOOO common and it's not that nobody misses you or doesn't care to see you.
People really do feel like it is the responsibility of the one who moved away to be the one to make the efforts to come back for visits. This is especially true when someone has moved across country or many states away.
Plane fare is just so much more expensive and most people don't have the kind of time or energy it would take to drive a big trip like that.
So, PLEASE don't take this personally - it's not you!
Just go forward with your plans to travel back to see those you love and care about. At the end of the day, spending time together is what counts - not who traveled to see whom
Basically. It's still hard, but really, I still stand by the fact that I have made an effort myself to visit friends who have moved states away, much less cross country. I have about 2-3 "best" friends that I would lay myself on the line for, but other than that, not sure if I would be willing to pay $500 to jet for the weekend.
It's hard though, I'm guessing Jerz hasn't made very many friends. Not picking on you either, it's hard. I'm struggling in my new place (Philly suburbs) to make friends my age. A lot of people are already set in their ways or just not "biting".
Basically. It's still hard, but really, I still stand by the fact that I have made an effort myself to visit friends who have moved states away, much less cross country. I have about 2-3 "best" friends that I would lay myself on the line for, but other than that, not sure if I would be willing to pay $500 to jet for the weekend.
It's hard though, I'm guessing Jerz hasn't made very many friends. Not picking on you either, it's hard. I'm struggling in my new place (Philly suburbs) to make friends my age. A lot of people are already set in their ways or just not "biting".
I think it takes about a year to get settled in to a new city and make friends.
Either way, whether you're lonely or not, you shouldn't expect things like that from people. If she misses her friends, she should go home and visit.
lovesMountains makes the excellent point of just visit and enjoy yourself without worrying about who visits whom. It's the best course to take, especially if you'd already planned on visiting.
Having said that, it's time to carve out what you like doing and surround yourself with great people where you are. I can't tell you how many times people on FB ask me "When are you visiting! We have to get together. Would love to see you!" And when I've gone, they're often unavailable and I don't see them at all. I've learned to make plans doing what I love to do and if someone wants to jump in, they can. Too many people throw around the "I can't wait to see you!" but they don't prioritize. It's just something they say.
I don't think it's personal, so don't upset yourself over it. Yes, for some people it's an economic thing, but other people just have disorganized lives and they're not going to plan ahead or get it together.
Best of luck to you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
