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So lately I have been really stressed out, since I will be having surgery in two weeks. I have a sister that I was hoping would help me out during this trying time. We used to be close, but for years now she has been cold, uncaring and just mean. There is a long back story but basically any time I have an issue even when she has been a direct cause of it, she throws it back on me saying that I always feel sorry for myself and she is just tired of hearing it. I don't know what I did wrong or why she is like that since we are related, I know that I am not like that, but it's weird that she is. Well, since I am going to be having surgery, I need someone to go with me and she has a class that she signed up for and she keeps saying that she doesn't know how the class will be(hard or easy) I told her that most professors will be lenient and let their students go since it's for a medical reason. So I called her two days later and I asked her if she could come with me since i have to travel 2 hours to go to the hospital and I can't drive back and she told me that she didn't know. I was not too happy with that answer especially since we haven't talked much this year at all.
Well we began to argue, and I reminded her that she had not been nice to me as of late and that I was trying to improve our brother/sister relationship which is not that great, and if I can't depend on her for this which is an actual emergency, then who can I depend on? Well she ended up getting mad, telling me she was tired of me always throwing a "pity party" for myself and she hung up the phone. She texted me after that and said that her phone was dying and she would talk to me later. I told her to not even bother and that I was done. I can't do this anymore. I don't know why she is like this, but that's it, she wants to act like she doesn't have a brother, then fine she won't have one. She made one remark one time about people needing to go to the hospital and how family shouldn't have to help someone just because it's emergency and they are family. I thought I misunderstood that, I guess I didn't
Ouch! I feel for you. When the chips are down or you need help, ideally family would be there for you. I have three sisters myself, and unfortunately, I have seen for myself that shared DNA does not a family make. One in particular kind of does what your sister does: Cuts out when you need her for something important. She actually did something similar to what your sister has done, and tried to downplay a serious health crisis. I ended up in the hospital, having surgery, and it took her two days to come and visit, too. And another time she pretty much had to have her arm twisted to take me to the ER. She wasn't aggressively nasty about it, like your sister is, just cold.
I handle it by ruling her out for serious things entirely. I ask nothing of her, expect nothing of her, and just be cordial as the situation warrants (birthdays, holidays, etc.). By the same token, she's on her own if the situation is ever reversed. She has an adult child. Her child can take care of her if something happens to her.
It sucks to have to do that, but ask yourself this: Do you really need her drama and the stress it causes you as you're trying to recover?
In your shoes, I would arrange to have another family member or a friend be there to take me home, and see if a few of them can come by and help out (do a load of laundry, etc.) and check in. I would also stock up on sandwich fixings so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone else to come prepare meals for me. If no one is available, see if your insurance will cover a few visiting nurse appointments or visits from a home health aide until you get back on your feet.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Believe me, I know how it feels.
Ouch! I feel for you. When the chips are down or you need help, ideally family would be there for you. I have three sisters myself, and unfortunately, I have seen for myself that shared DNA does not a family make. One in particular kind of does what your sister does: Cuts out when you need her for something important. She actually did something similar to what your sister has done, and tried to downplay a serious health crisis. I ended up in the hospital, having surgery, and it took her two days to come and visit, too. And another time she pretty much had to have her arm twisted to take me to the ER. She wasn't aggressively nasty about it, like your sister is, just cold.
I handle it by ruling her out for serious things entirely. I ask nothing of her, expect nothing of her, and just be cordial as the situation warrants (birthdays, holidays, etc.). By the same token, she's on her own if the situation is ever reversed. She has an adult child. Her child can take care of her if something happens to her.
It sucks to have to do that, but ask yourself this: Do you really need her drama and the stress it causes you as you're trying to recover?
In your shoes, I would arrange to have another family member or a friend be there to take me home, and see if a few of them can come by and help out (do a load of laundry, etc.) and check in. I would also stock up on sandwich fixings so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone else to come prepare meals for me. If no one is available, see if your insurance will cover a few visiting nurse appointments or visits from a home health aide until you get back on your feet.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Believe me, I know how it feels.
Yes, I totally empathize with you. It sucks to think that people should be there and help one another and then when the time comes, they don't. The sucky part was that I was raised from an early age to take care of her since she is the "baby". Well that programming has stayed with me and now I have to totally change it. I will not even be allowed to drive which really sucks. I am going to take it one step further since this has gone so long, I won't even call her for her birthday and I don't expect a call on mine. She did call me on mine which is how we started talking again, but people like that really don't need to be a part of my life. I just kinda wondered if anyone else has ever went through this and I am a decent enough guy but everyone makes mistakes and I can't think of any reason as to why she would treat me this way, but what I do know, is that I need to change the way that I think when it comes to her. She is on her own, I can't let this one go.
If i don't have anyone with me, they will not do the surgery at all...luckily I have a very good friend who said that he would go with me, his family is so nice and i will admit, I feel a bit jealous because they are very loving towards him and his sister. The cool thing is that they are also nice to me and I feel "accepted" for once in their family. I really do feel for anyone that has ever had to go through something like this.
I'm glad you've solved the problem of having someone with you, Blackscorpion.
As far as your sister is concerned, I'm surprised you are so puzzled about your deteriorated relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackscorpion
There is a long back story but basically any time I have an issue even when she has been a direct cause of it, she throws it back on me saying that I always feel sorry for myself and she is just tired of hearing it. I don't know what I did wrong or why she is like that since we are related, I know that I am not like that, but it's weird that she is.
I'm not sure what being related has to do with it, but I wonder why you continued to go to her for sympathy with your issues after the very first time she told you she was tired hearing about them. Perhaps, that's part of the reason she became cold towards you. Just telling you to stop didn't work.
I know you said there is a long back story, but is there something else going on in her life that could be causing the problem? The way you describe her and what she said sounds like she has something going on as well and no one is paying attention. I only say this because I have heard similar crap from my sister. At the time, she was getting all her stuff together and uhauling it back to my parents house to move it with them and was getting a divorce. Did anyone tell me any of this? NO. But asking her to watch my kids for a few days while I was in the hospital seemed totally stupid to her. And I wouldnt have done it, except no one bothered to let me know WTF was going on in her life at the time!!! Luckily we got it cleared up right away and are fine now. I wish you luck. It sux to be on the outs with a sibling.
I'm glad you've solved the problem of having someone with you, Blackscorpion.
As far as your sister is concerned, I'm surprised you are so puzzled about your deteriorated relationship.
I'm not sure what being related has to do with it, but I wonder why you continued to go to her for sympathy with your issues after the very first time she told you she was tired hearing about them. Perhaps, that's part of the reason she became cold towards you. Just telling you to stop didn't work.
Well it's long, but Ill start it, it started when I moved out, we were close, she blamed me for "abandoning her" since my mom started focusing on her since she didn't have anyone else to physically abuse or push around. My grandmother literally saved my life. We offered her a place to stay with us and she refused because my mom said that if she left that she would never be able to come back so that's one.
Problems- Well this is kinda tough, sometimes I just have it hard and sometimes I bring them upon myself, but no matter what EVERYTHING is my fault, even my back surgery after the doctor told me that it ws probably due to overwork and genetics, she still tries to say that's its my weight and that it's MY fault that I have back problems and need surgery and yes she did tell me this. Me getting kicked out of my moms, well she never told me anything about that, but she never said it was my moms fault either. I go to her because honestly I don't have a lot of friends and she does provide some insight or used to when we were younger, now she could care less about what happens to me.
Cold heartedness- I inherited a house which she had the keys to(supposed to be shared between us), but since I was the sole owner, she refused to let me stay there and in the end since we knew it was supposed to be shared she bought me out of my share, BUT she screwed me over saying she paid for our moms funeral when he reality her bf and HIS mother paid for it all! I still never got that one out too(burns me up as well). At times when I would argue with my old roommate and just want a place to crash to calm down for the night and she would say no, bear in mind i SOLD her my share when I should have just kept the house and kicked her out and I would have if I would have known this. She was so stressed during that time, I think she though that I would actually do that and the reason she would think that way is because SHE is that type of person.
Recently, we had gone out and my sister said that she had ways to manipulate people and you know what they say about someone that talks about themselves. If they say it about themselves, then it must be true.
I know you said there is a long back story, but is there something else going on in her life that could be causing the problem? The way you describe her and what she said sounds like she has something going on as well and no one is paying attention. I only say this because I have heard similar crap from my sister. At the time, she was getting all her stuff together and uhauling it back to my parents house to move it with them and was getting a divorce. Did anyone tell me any of this? NO. But asking her to watch my kids for a few days while I was in the hospital seemed totally stupid to her. And I wouldnt have done it, except no one bothered to let me know WTF was going on in her life at the time!!! Luckily we got it cleared up right away and are fine now. I wish you luck. It sux to be on the outs with a sibling.
No, nothing is wrong, in fact she just got engaged! So the deal is that usually people say ok she is like this but what did YOU do which made me feel like I was a bad person and I should look for stuff that I did wrong. I am human and yes I do make mistakes, but honestly I don't have any idea as to why she would be that with me except one.
My mom had a horrible time with men and she was abused as a child and as a wife. She died a very bitter woman. She took all of that out on me and my sister but more so on me for some reason. Some people said it was because I reminded her of my father, even though he is not around. Well, the fact that my mom was a VERY negative person, yelling, screaming, cursing all the time. Someone actually told me that that is all my sister knows and if mom always mistreated me especially in front of her, then it would reasonable to assume that that is how she should treat me as well even though its not right. It's messed up but I think that is the most logical answer. At one time, we got into it and I flat out told her that I wasn't going to deal with mom 2.0 and she knew what I meant by that, but it still to this day has not changed.
So lately I have been really stressed out, since I will be having surgery in two weeks. I have a sister that I was hoping would help me out during this trying time. We used to be close, but for years now she has been cold, uncaring and just mean. There is a long back story but basically any time I have an issue even when she has been a direct cause of it, she throws it back on me saying that I always feel sorry for myself and she is just tired of hearing it. I don't know what I did wrong or why she is like that since we are related, I know that I am not like that, but it's weird that she is. Well, since I am going to be having surgery, I need someone to go with me and she has a class that she signed up for and she keeps saying that she doesn't know how the class will be(hard or easy) I told her that most professors will be lenient and let their students go since it's for a medical reason. So I called her two days later and I asked her if she could come with me since i have to travel 2 hours to go to the hospital and I can't drive back and she told me that she didn't know. I was not too happy with that answer especially since we haven't talked much this year at all.
Well we began to argue, and I reminded her that she had not been nice to me as of late and that I was trying to improve our brother/sister relationship which is not that great, and if I can't depend on her for this which is an actual emergency, then who can I depend on? Well she ended up getting mad, telling me she was tired of me always throwing a "pity party" for myself and she hung up the phone. She texted me after that and said that her phone was dying and she would talk to me later. I told her to not even bother and that I was done. I can't do this anymore. I don't know why she is like this, but that's it, she wants to act like she doesn't have a brother, then fine she won't have one. She made one remark one time about people needing to go to the hospital and how family shouldn't have to help someone just because it's emergency and they are family. I thought I misunderstood that, I guess I didn't
I'm sorry that you are having a difficult relationship with your sister, but reading your posts, I get the feeling that it's usually "all about you", and she is likely fed up with it. First, you are having a planned back surgery, so it is not an emergency. She has another commitment at this time, and you think she should just drop everything and take you. It sounds like she would be willing to take you, except she has a conflict. Why is your schedule more important than hers? (And while most professors may excuse the absence, she would still be missing the instruction/ discussion/ lecture, which is the most important part.)
If you want the relationship to really improve, I would sit down and talk to her. Without confrontation, ask her why she feels the relationship isn't good. When she talks, LISTEN to what she says. You may learn why she is distant, and some of the reason may be because of your actions.
Well there are no guarantees in life -- just because someone is a relative, that doesn't make them automatically someone you can count on. Relatives often make for toxic relationships, just put some distance between you and your sister, don't let her keep hurting you.
malamutes right Blackscorpion..you've know for "years now she has been cold and uncaring". You're just torturing yourself looking to her for help, she's already said she basically considers being with you a "pity party". That's very sad, I'm sorry your sister is that way with you, and I think that you'd be a happier person if you just wrote her off as anyone you can ask (let alone depend on) for help...sorry
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