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Old 09-13-2013, 10:29 AM
 
Location: Mesa, AZ
451 posts, read 625,029 times
Reputation: 1164

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Their are two types of forgiveness. One is simply releasing the anger and bitterness so that you can move on with your life without poisoning yourself emotionally by carrying the hurt around forever. The other is a mending of the relationship and extending trust to the person who hurt you. The first type is essential, the second is not.
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Old 09-13-2013, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,630 posts, read 11,091,928 times
Reputation: 37655
I guess some people are the "turn the other cheek type" and that is commendable. But I am not, and that comes from too many years of too many disappointments in people who I gave a second chance to.

I remember an old Aesop's Fable about a man who finds a snake almost frozen to death and he compassionately takes it home and puts it in front of the fireplace to thaw out. When the snake is revived it bites the man, and as he is dying he says "I tried to help you, why did you bite me ?" And the snake replies "You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

Same with some people.



Don

Last edited by don1945; 09-13-2013 at 11:16 AM..
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Old 09-13-2013, 11:06 AM
 
1,160 posts, read 2,061,317 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatCrazyRedhead View Post
Their are two types of forgiveness. One is simply releasing the anger and bitterness so that you can move on with your life without poisoning yourself emotionally by carrying the hurt around forever. The other is a mending of the relationship and extending trust to the person who hurt you. The first type is essential, the second is not.
That much is true. But how we achieve that forgiveness as individuals can vary. There's no closure here, and that's what bothers me.

Things got really ugly with my former friend near the end. I yelled at her, and I said some really hateful things. Now, regardless of how she behaved that's on me. I regret letting things get to the point where I had to forcibly evict her, and moreover, call her family and have them do it.
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Old 09-13-2013, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Mesa, AZ
451 posts, read 625,029 times
Reputation: 1164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post
That much is true. But how we achieve that forgiveness as individuals can vary. There's no closure here, and that's what bothers me.

Things got really ugly with my former friend near the end. I yelled at her, and I said some really hateful things. Now, regardless of how she behaved that's on me. I regret letting things get to the point where I had to forcibly evict her, and moreover, call her family and have them do it.
The only person's behavior you have control over or responsibility for is your own. If you have things to apologize for, then by all means, do it. I'm only saying that there's a difference between being able to have a civil conversation or two with your former friend and getting back to being BFFs. Closure is a different animal entirely, and it really only comes with time, at least in my experience.
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Old 09-13-2013, 11:33 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,586 posts, read 23,131,512 times
Reputation: 48557
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post
Just to be clear, I'm not interested in reprising a close friendship -- I know that I can't trust her like I thought I could.

But I don't think she's evil -- just really, super-immature. She one of those Christians who tries hard to be a good person, fails at it and then beats herself up because of it.

I just want her to know that I'm not stabbing voodoo dolls of her with stickpins.

(No, she never apologized.)

I don't care what religion she says that she follows. She obviously has problems.

All of this talk of "evil" and "voodoo" along with worry about what she thinks is troubling.

Who cares what she thinks? If she is a practicing Christian then she has a church. She should go to them for support.

She never apologized? Then you know where her heart is.

Send her father a "Get Well" card if you sincerely feel that this might cheer him. Pray for them both if that is something you do.

If you have a sincere desire to help others in an environment where the boundaries are clear do volunteer work at a food bank or a women's shelter.

Do not "help" this person.
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Old 09-13-2013, 12:30 PM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,615,205 times
Reputation: 41111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post
That much is true. But how we achieve that forgiveness as individuals can vary. There's no closure here, and that's what bothers me.

Things got really ugly with my former friend near the end. I yelled at her, and I said some really hateful things. Now, regardless of how she behaved that's on me. I regret letting things get to the point where I had to forcibly evict her, and moreover, call her family and have them do it.
You owe her nothing. No apologies, no shame-faced kicking a can down the street, nothing.

She drove you to that with her behavior. If anything, she owes you the apology.

Be glad you stood up to her and gave her what-for. I guarantee you she remembers it.
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Old 09-13-2013, 01:06 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,586 posts, read 23,131,512 times
Reputation: 48557
Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
I guess some people are the "turn the other cheek type" and that is commendable. But I am not, and that comes from too many years of too many disappointments in people who I gave a second chance to.

I remember an old Aesop's Fable about a man who finds a snake almost frozen to death and he compassionately takes it home and puts it in front of the fireplace to thaw out. When the snake is revived it bites the man, and as he is dying he says "I tried to help you, why did you bite me ?" And the snake replies "You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

Same with some people.



Don

Perfect example.

The writer Maya Angelou has said "When a person tells you - who they are - believe them!"

This person has "told you you" who she is by her actions. Like what you see?
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Old 09-13-2013, 01:36 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,419 posts, read 37,490,715 times
Reputation: 39034
I would have forgiven them long ago... but not forgot!
Holding a grudge just hurts you.
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Old 09-13-2013, 02:08 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,586 posts, read 23,131,512 times
Reputation: 48557
No one is suggesting that you "hold a grudge" OP. Holding a grudge is akin to taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Let her go. I think you are using her father's illness as an excuse to reunite with a person who has never done anything for you but cause pain.

Just a heads up - you will come to an age during your life span where most everyone you know will have at least one parent who is in ill health or terminally ill.
If you have a heart for dying people then do volunteer work at a hospice.
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Old 09-13-2013, 02:22 PM
 
718 posts, read 600,370 times
Reputation: 1052
OP- Just send her blessings and wish her well.
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