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That is the hardest part. I am having a heckuva time accepting that she would choose the life she has because I do care for her. Growing up, I wasn't able to help keep her away from my predator father and my borderline mother, and now as an adult I can't help her to see that she doesn't have to live in their shadow. So I try to just be caring and supportive, but she is so toxic that just being around her is abrasive. The more light I throw at her, the more she is determined to smother it or suck it into her own black hole. Dealing with her makes me feel weak and helpless.
Oh, my, your sister is not someone who can just learn to make healthier choices, no matter how much modeling you do. She did not choose this life. She doesn't act this way because of the way she was raised.
What you have described is someone who is borderline...just like mom. She needs professional help...but is unlikely to ever be healthy.
Oh, my, your sister is not someone who can just learn to make healthier choices, no matter how much modeling you do. She did not choose this life. She doesn't act this way because of the way she was raised.
What you have described is someone who is borderline...just like mom. She needs professional help...but is unlikely to ever be healthy.
So what should someone do with a family member like this? I have one in my own life and I am curious.
That is the hardest part. I am having a heckuva time accepting that she would choose the life she has because I do care for her. Growing up, I wasn't able to help keep her away from my predator father and my borderline mother, and now as an adult I can't help her to see that she doesn't have to live in their shadow. So I try to just be caring and supportive, but she is so toxic that just being around her is abrasive. The more light I throw at her, the more she is determined to smother it or suck it into her own black hole. Dealing with her makes me feel weak and helpless.
I am inclined to think your sister is fully aware she could have what you have . . . but she would rather you feel indebted to her, in some way, so that you give over what is yours and she can assimilate it through simply breathing (no effort on her own).
Her actions are probably not conscious . . . but that doesn't make them any less toxic.
She is also putting you in the position (or you have allowed yourself to revert to the position) of being her protector. She may even harbor (subconsciously) anger at some level that you were not able to protect her from the abuse . . . and so now, she is playing on that sense of abandonment you may feel (any guilt you have, regardless of how unfounded) for not "protecting" her.
She is getting lots of goodies out of all this. And you are getting none. You are not being successful in your "rescue" attempt . . . so you are not even getting that payoff.
So . . . time to look at this for what it is . . . and let her sink or swim. You managed to pull yourself out of the insanity. It isn't incumbant on you to spend the rest of your life trying to rescue your sister. She is old enough to rationally think through her behaviors and plan for her future. Let her devise her own course. You cannot parent her . . . and really, why would you want to? You are both adults.
You are a good person and want to "help" and I am sure your intentions come from the best of places and out of love . . . but just as parents have to back off, let children make their own mistakes and learn how to cope with the world . . . you are going to have to accept that your sister can only do these things for herself, and her way.
Otherwise, it seems to me your sister is enjoying having someone to spar with and to compete with, on many levels. You really don't need to be involved in that dance, as it is not healthy and it is getting neither of you anywhere that you need to be.
This may be a difficult thing to accept, but you state that this situation makes you feel weak and helpless. That is exactly what you felt when you were growing up, isn't it? Why would you want to re-live those emotions with your sister? If there is unfinished business, this is not the way to come to a resolution. Seems to me your sister needs to keep you feeling weak and helpless or that you may be into a self-punishing mode (out of guilt that you should have done more as a child for this sister - but you couldn't have!!!).
Just think about all this and see if any of it makes any sense. I could be way off but this is how it all strikes me at first reading.
Sending big hugs!!! Your sister is lucky to have you . . . but right now, she needs to work on herself apart from you - for both your sakes.
So what should someone do with a family member like this? I have one in my own life and I am curious.
I wish I knew. My mom has been struggling with personality disorders since childhood. The only way I could deal was to distance myself both physically and emotionally. Now that my parents are elderly and need help, my brothers and I are struggling to avoid getting sucked back in.
I think anifani821 presented some very good advice. Remembering your previous posts, I agree that your sister is probably creating a world in which she is comfortable, even if that means re-creating the toxic environment the two of you came from. Your sister's actions when she was visiting seem designed to communicate two messages: 1.) you are inadequate and 2.) she wants your life and you should give it to her. Those certainly are competing messages ... but that's the kind of duplicity you were raised with, is it not? I don't mean to imply that she is even aware of the messages she's sending, but the communication that she wants you to take responsibility for her (while she will retain the right to criticize how you do that) seems pretty clear.
I understand that you feel great compassion for her. You are one of the few people who know the environment she came from. But your number one job is to take care of yourself. It would be healthy for you to distance yourself from her instead of embracing her suggestion that you "fix" her life.
As for the dog, does she actually have a medical reason for a service dog? (Sorry if you answered that question elsewhere.)
If I may add to the stellar advice given so far, I'm afraid it is not possible. That sounds so cold and final, but the truth is, you've taken the time to go through therapy and overcome your childhood; sister has not.
Conduct a few tests. By this I mean try telling sister, gently of course, when she steps over the line. Be as calm and objective as possible, no raised voices, no names, etc. Watch her reaction. She undoubtedly will become combative and hostile. She wants your way of dealing with life, but doesn't want to take the steps to implement it.
Bless you for wanting to help. You are in a tough situation.
My sister lives in another state and hs been in school for about 14 years supposedly getting a PhD. She does lots of things that drive me up a wall when we are together, but I do care about her and would like to help her without losing my own mind.
She is a "know it all" who has difficulty respecting boundaries. When she was at my house recently she went through my purse and pockets looking for an item without asking me if she could, changed the water in my flower arrangements, filled my fridge with food that I didn't ask for and won't eat (I think it was for her, but she didn't eat it either; I had bought her several items that she had asked for but she re-purchased several), insisted that I oil a cutting board, complained that she thought I had food that was spoiling (I didn't) took over in every social situation, grabbed the rule book out of my hand during a game of cards, etc. She seems to have OCD which makes it trying to cohabitate with her even for a limited period of time.
She has also been initmating that she may want to move to my city when she is finally done with school which terrifies me. She wants to work where I work, hang out with my friends, and even said that she would buy the apartment I live in if it were for sale.
I know she is incredibly lonely, and a lot of it may have to do with these sorts of personality traits. As I said in another thread, she travels with a service dog and loves animals-- I really think that this is a substitute for all of her human relationships. She once got involved with an online scammer who she said she was marrying but beyond that, I am not aware that she has ever been in a serious relationship. Her friendships seem to be limited as well.
Our family was very abusive during childhood, and we all have our issues. I have been in therapy for years and trying to work through many of mine. I have been able to build lasting friendships and romantic relationships. I have a great job and am successful in my field. I know that these are all things my sister wants, and I would love to be able to help her, but not at the expense of my own sanity.
Is this possible?
That is scary sh**. I understand what you are saying about coming from an abusive family and all of your siblings having issues. If my sister told me she was moving into my same town, maybe even my same apartment building, I would freak. I think it would be really difficult for you to handle your sister being right under your nose at all times. You said she even wants to work where you do? Yikes. I think it would end up disasterous. Your sister needs to get her degree and start her own life in her own town, not on your doorstep.
Don't let her stay with you anymore. You now have an allergy to dogs - oh, yes, you do - a bad one.
Go rent Single White Female and The Roommate. I am about half serious here.
You have worked hard to get to the place you are now mentally. Don't let her destroy that. You may love her but you don't owe her your life and sanity - and that appears to be what she wants.
Don't let her stay with you anymore. You now have an allergy to dogs - oh, yes, you do - a bad one.
Go rent Single White Female and The Roommate. I am about half serious here.
You have worked hard to get to the place you are now mentally. Don't let her destroy that. You may love her but you don't owe her your life and sanity - and that appears to be what she wants.
Haha, that's too funny-- that is how I have been describing her visit-- that she was trying to Single White Female me. Too bad very few people have seen that movie.
Really, the dog is the answer. She won't go anywhere without it and you develop an allergy. Your problems are solved until she gets herself more together.
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