Family Vent (spouse, person, holidays, brother)

[veuvegirl]

This is more of a vent, I have had it with my mom. I am in my forties, family happy. However my mom will not stop "mothering" me when she comes to visit.

• I cant do laundry right
• My house isn't cleaned good enough
• I am too fat
• My son doesn't have enough friends
• My daughter is chubby (she isn't!)
  

I could go on forever. This last visit she just didn't stop for five days. I was angry and snipping the entire time. When it was time to say goodbye she told me how I hurt her by being so nasty. I told her how I was fed up with her treating me like I am five. She needs to let me go and be happy who I am as an adult.

Mom then tells me she is disappointed and I have let her down. She had higher expectations for me. I am floored, hurt and angry. She is OCD clean, I will never be her, and she just can't let it go. She and my sister haven't talked for years because of this, now my mom has turned on me. I will continue with a relationship with her because she has no one else, but right now I could care less to see her again.

She is not a nice person and only sees the bad in everyone and everything.

[silverwing]

Originally Posted by veuvegirl

I will continue with a relationship with her because she has no one else, but right now I could care less to see her again.

She is not a nice person and only sees the bad in everyone and everything.

I'm guessing this was a spoiled Thanksgiving?

Comebacks?

I cant do laundry right - "Really? Well, I guess it's good that you don't have to wear the clothes I wash"

My house isn't cleaned good enough - "Funny, my spouse/kids have never complained. And they live here."

I am too fat -uhhhh, I got nothing for that. That is such a mean comment, the only rebuttal I can think of would be equally mean.

My son doesn't have enough friends - "next time you visit, Mom, I'll call them all over and have a Friend Parade so you can count them."

My daughter is chubby (she isn't!) - nuthin' again. To me, it would be one thing to suffer personal criticism. Do that to one of my loved ones and you die. I've had to put up with crap from toxic kin, but once they turned their meanness on a spouse or dear friend, I cut them off without mercy.


I'm feeling particularly snarky, so I'm not offering my usual "detach and bean dip" advice. It seems pretty clear that your mother doesn't give a crap about hurting people. If her other child cut her off, and she did nothing to make amends and change the situation, then she certainly would not be swayed by reasoning or threats from you.

Check your Inbox. I'm going to PM a link to a site that might help you cope. You will at least be among others who have had to suffer from toxic parents.

[carnivalday]

Shorten the visits. Two days sounds like plenty.

[Bluesmama]

Originally Posted by veuvegirl

This is more of a vent, I have had it with my mom. I am in my forties, family happy. However my mom will not stop "mothering" me when she comes to visit.

• I cant do laundry right
• My house isn't cleaned good enough
• I am too fat
• My son doesn't have enough friends
• My daughter is chubby (she isn't!)
  She is not a nice person and only sees the bad in everyone and everything.

Don't think I can give you much help here. I just wanted to let you know how I relate. My mother was not ocd but she was very critical like yours. I had one visit where, between her and my brother, I got so infuriated by criticisms that I didn't go home for 9 years. I don't know why people think that having the same blood provides a pass to act like a--holes to family, but I certainly don't feel that ridiculous notion and I don't tolerate it.
Your mother may love you very much. But it sounds like she tried too hard to "mold" you in her parental nurturing, forgetting that your outcome in life is YOUR doing, not hers. I am very sorry.

[mainebrokerman]

give her a conditional invite next time....
leave her ocd home,,
non judgemental zone



after the holidays write her a long letter,,,tell her you heard yourself being critical of your kids,,,,you made them cry, and this cycle/negative b/s/ has to stop

tell her you want your kids to have confidence,,,, not grow up to have no self esteem like you

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Bluesmama

[/list]Don't think I can give you much help here. I just wanted to let you know how I relate. My mother was not ocd but she was very critical like yours. I had one visit where, between her and my brother, I got so infuriated by criticisms that I didn't go home for 9 years. I don't know why people think that having the same blood provides a pass to act like a--holes to family, but I certainly don't feel that ridiculous notion and I don't tolerate it.
Your mother may love you very much. But it sounds like she tried too hard to "mold" you in her parental nurturing, forgetting that your outcome in life is YOUR doing, not hers. I am very sorry.

I am so sorry, that must have been one hell of a visit!

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by veuvegirl

This is more of a vent, I have had it with my mom. I am in my forties, family happy. However my mom will not stop "mothering" me when she comes to visit.

• I cant do laundry right
• My house isn't cleaned good enough
• I am too fat
• My son doesn't have enough friends
• My daughter is chubby (she isn't!)
  

I could go on forever. This last visit she just didn't stop for five days. I was angry and snipping the entire time. When it was time to say goodbye she told me how I hurt her by being so nasty. I told her how I was fed up with her treating me like I am five. She needs to let me go and be happy who I am as an adult.

Mom then tells me she is disappointed and I have let her down. She had higher expectations for me. I am floored, hurt and angry. She is OCD clean, I will never be her, and she just can't let it go. She and my sister haven't talked for years because of this, now my mom has turned on me. I will continue with a relationship with her because she has no one else, but right now I could care less to see her again.

She is not a nice person and only sees the bad in everyone and everything.

In an attempt to feel better about herself (trust me, she's very insecure and unhappy) she is pushing all your buttons.

But guess what?

YOU have a choice as to how to respond to this sad, pathetic woman.

First of all, you never let her see you get upset - she's eating that up.

Second of all, you must put some firm boundaries in place with her - nicely of course!

You simply must train yourself to not engage with her when she starts her crap.

You just say, thanks for that opinion and quickly change the subject.

No further conversation about whatever nasty thing it was she just said, get it? NONE.

Do this CONSISTENTLY and over time she will learn her verbal jabs are not getting her the payoff she seeks so she'll stop, or move on to other passive aggressive behaviors.

As long as you keep shutting her down this way, she will not be able to get to you the way she is now

[veuvegirl]

Thanks all for the replies. I have given her boundaries time and time again. She just doesn't get it, and truly thinks she is doing nothing wrong. Totally bizarre.

I can't tell you how many times I told her enough, I heard you, please stop! She keeps going.
She lives out of state, so I just don't know what I will do next time.

[Bluesmama]

Originally Posted by veuvegirl

Thanks all for the replies. I have given her boundaries time and time again. She just doesn't get it, and truly thinks she is doing nothing wrong. Totally bizarre.

I can't tell you how many times I told her enough, I heard you, please stop! She keeps going.
She lives out of state, so I just don't know what I will do next time.

I think you should make an alternative plan for next year for you and your family only. Perhaps somewhere enjoyable that's closer to home, and stick to it. Take a break from the expected ~ you'll be amazed at how good it will feel for a change.

[brienzi]

I can totally relate, yet when you say totally bizarre maybe the issues r medical. My mother has the early signs of Dementia/Alzheimer's so matter what i say it doesn't always get through. She has good and bad days and just try to be patient while keeping in mind my mom is ill, cherishing the good days..