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Your guy friends don't sound like they were really ever interested in being your friend in the first place. Perhaps you're too quick to call someone a friend, or perhaps you're oblivious to the social cues that make it clear someone is attracted to you.
I can tell when a guy who is friendly towards me is hoping for something more, and I pull away from that person quickly if I'm not interested in him romantically or sexually. No need to give them the impression that I'm being a tease or leading them on, and no need for me to become fond of someone who's going disappear when he realizes I'm not into him like that.
The straight male friends that I do have are people who I've known for years or met because they are/were dating a girl friend of mine. There's only one guy who is a strictly platonic friend that doesn't fall in either of those categories.
I have noticed that it is a bit trickier making platonic friends of the opposite sex as an adult, though. I'm a young adult, and it looks from my observations like it doesn't become natural again until you're married and middle-aged (45+).
Something else to think about.
The irony I find from historical perspective, is that dating (as we currently know of it in most western societies) is a fairly new 'concept' for only the last five to seven generations in western society.
I gather a large segment of people would find more comfort in older style courtship. Rather than trying to interpret so many nuanced variables of social interaction when someone has an interest in them or vice versa.
Cultural mores have evolved. About 30-60 years ago most 'dating' originated in social gatherings within peer groups and there was an ability to observe others of the opposite gender in various environments. So, an individual could see (over time) if there was a member of the opposite sex one found not just attractive, but which held redeeming character qualities for long term mate/ relationship.
Why females are experiencing more of this angst over 'trying to have male friends' - is: 1) that it is much more difficult for either gender to observe the basic character qualities over time in various environments due to decline in socialization habits from newer technological communication mediums - thus, when an individual does express interest it is more tenuous as to the purpose and method of how and what one's intentions are.
Think of it like when a child is forced to stand and deliver some sort of presentation to a large audience or the uncertainty most face at public speaking. It often takes on that same level of abruptness. There is no gradual easing. It is analogous to that phenomenon most can probably recall of when first meeting other youth the first time how it takes time to 'warm up to each other' and then just when the play becomes fun and everyone's comfortable it was time to go home.
And 2) due to unrealistic mass media conditioning. It seems they want their very own 'meet cute' story to reminisce over (Rom-Com Serendipity like). It would be funny if we had time machines to [for laughs] drop some of these types off a few centuries ago into arranged marriages, long proscribed mating rituals or even bond servant type relationships. Then maybe they wouldn't opine so much.
Love the juxtaposition between the two videos above! Look at how simple it was for the woman in the 2nd to get Christian Bale compared to Ben Affleck going after Renee Zellweiger (I've never seen either movie, so I don't know the characters' names). I saw a clip afterward that shows Affleck getting the girl, but it took him dealing with her craziness (screaming at and hitting him) before anything happened.
Bolded is especially true. Read some of the Craigslist Missed Connections (I'd say NYC for best results) and you'd think women thought they were in some romantic novel or something.
If you would prefer it if men would be direct, and you keep getting snarled in the same situation, then the problem is either something you are doing, or the men with whom you are associating have conspired against you.
Yawn. Poor innocent bystander repeatedly "victimized" by big bad mean male friends who wanted to be romantically involved.
That statement is based on feedback from the problematic men, right?
I'm a little cold in person. I was raised in an Asian household where we rarely hugged, kissed or expressed our feelings. No one would ever describe me as warm or flirty or outgoing. I did NOT give mixed signals. I have always told my friends about my dating situation. I treated my male friends the same way I treat my female friends.
I have the right to accept or reject anyone I want at any time. Pretending to want to be just friends with a woman when you're really just biding your time, hoping that she will spread her legs for you and then whinging about being "friend zoned" when she DOESN'T, is pathetic. I don't like people who play mindgames.
Friends are people I don't have sex with. That's why they're called FRIENDS. If a man has not asked me out on a date within a few weeks of knowing me, then I will conclude that he has absolutely no interest in me at all and I will only think of him platonically from there on. I prefer to let men make the first move and if he hasn't, I will get over it and move on because it's beneath me to fight for someone who clearly isn't interested. Men are responsible for "friend zoning" THEMSELVES.
Why is it so hard for a man to just say "Hey, would you like to have coffee/dinner with me"? Why are some men so cowardly?
I really, really want to believe that most men aren't completely sex-crazed and can be trustworthy friends but that belief is being challenged on a regular basis.
Last edited by StabbyAbby; 01-05-2014 at 05:28 PM..
So you're a guy, you think you are intelligent and you've been around - well so are a lot of people. It doesn't make your opinion fact by any stretch. You can only speak for yourself and not everyone.
Is he wrong too and the multitude of other men who have posted the same thing on the subject in other threads?
Nope, don't speak for everyone. But, I know men 'cause I am one and I'll betcha I speak for the very vast majority. Look, believe what you like, I was just making a (very futile) attempt at waking you up.
Regarding the fellow who said what he said and your question about if he is wrong...I say that feelings are never wrong. I also say that he could very well be a 12 yr old girl, or a middle aged fat lady, or any number of other things. If he is a guy, he is amazingly atypical...and an Interweb liar (but most likely is not who he says he is or is fooling himself to make himself feel good about himself;like he has a stronger constitution than other men). It's in our nature, that's all - not rocket science. But whatev, I gave you the benefit of a normal guy's perspective. Your choice to take it or leave it.
I'm a little cold in person. I was raised in an Asian household where we rarely hugged, kissed or expressed our feelings. No one would ever describe me as warm or flirty or outgoing. I did NOT give mixed signals. I have always told my friends about my dating situation. I treated my male friends the same way I treat my female friends.
I have the right to accept or reject anyone I want at any time. Pretending to want to be just friends with a woman when you're really just biding your time, hoping that she will spread her legs for you and then whinging about being "friend zoned" when she DOESN'T, is pathetic. I don't like people who play mindgames.
Friends are people I don't have sex with. That's why they're called FRIENDS. If a man has not asked me out on a date within a few weeks of knowing me, then I will conclude that he has absolutely no interest in me at all and I will only think of him platonically from there on. I prefer to let men make the first move and if he hasn't, I will get over it and move on because it's beneath me to fight for someone who clearly isn't interested. Men are responsible for "friend zoning" THEMSELVES.
Why is it so hard for a man to just say "Hey, would you like to have coffee/dinner with me"? Why are some men so cowardly?
I really, really want to believe that most men aren't completely sex-crazed and can be trustworthy friends but that belief is being challenged on a regular basis.
Just because a male friend is interested in sleeping with and/or dating you doesn't necessarily mean he is only interested in being your friend because of that. I have a couple female friends I would given the opportunity (i.e. if they were single and interested; and have had many more in the past), but I'm friends with them because I enjoy their company on a platonic level, and would still be if they were a guy or if they were ugly.
I get that people you are describing exist, and having a friend make a move on you and then fade out of your life after you say no absolutely sucks (girls sometimes do this to guys too btw), but to pass up on potential good friendships or to kill one that could go on just fine over this sort of stuff is really just shooting yourself and the people around you in the foot. Bitter and reclusive is no way to go through life.
I'm a little cold in person. I was raised in an Asian household where we rarely hugged, kissed or expressed our feelings. No one would ever describe me as warm or flirty or outgoing. I did NOT give mixed signals. I have always told my friends about my dating situation. I treated my male friends the same way I treat my female friends.
I have the right to accept or reject anyone I want at any time. Pretending to want to be just friends with a woman when you're really just biding your time, hoping that she will spread her legs for you and then whinging about being "friend zoned" when she DOESN'T, is pathetic. I don't like people who play mindgames.
Friends are people I don't have sex with. That's why they're called FRIENDS. If a man has not asked me out on a date within a few weeks of knowing me, then I will conclude that he has absolutely no interest in me at all and I will only think of him platonically from there on. I prefer to let men make the first move and if he hasn't, I will get over it and move on because it's beneath me to fight for someone who clearly isn't interested. Men are responsible for "friend zoning" THEMSELVES.
Why is it so hard for a man to just say "Hey, would you like to have coffee/dinner with me"? Why are some men so cowardly?
I really, really want to believe that most men aren't completely sex-crazed and can be trustworthy friends but that belief is being challenged on a regular basis.
There is something seriously going on here that goes deeper than men and the ability to be 'friends with them.' Simply starting this thread as nothing more than a rant says something, but it is the relentless hostility you have been posting with which is cause for serious concerns.
The way you describe men with such hostility regarding them just wanting a woman to spread her legs...you've got some issues which almost scream 'something happened to me when I was younger and I hate you effers for it." You've posted about your background here and it speaks more about you than it does about men in general.
I don't throw this around like a lot of poster - but I think you seriously need to talk to someone in a professional therapy session about all this. I actually think you could get violent over this and whatever is really at the root of the problem. I think you've gone the peramiters of a simple post for people to comment on. You have some real anger issues and something is pretty deep to display such hostility.
I'll probably get beat up for saying all this, but it is just a vibe I'm getting off you and your posts.
I used to think that it was possible for men and women to be just friends but I no longer truly believe that.
Good. Takes some females longer than others to accept this reality. Some are just deer-in-the-headlights thinking "oh no, my male friends are just friends, they're not interested in me!!" Denial or oblivious.
We men get attracted to cool females. It's in our blood. Any male who tells you otherwise is lying to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by StabbyAbby
Almost every one of my straight male "friends":
A) have disappeared after I have made it clear that I am not interested in them.
B) Has become irrationally angry and jealous when I became involved with someone else and who have the nerve to verbally attack me for "friend zoning" them. I was never interested in them in the first place!
C) Has made inappropriate sexual advances towards me, like making sexual innuendo in conversation clearly directed towards me.
Just to be clear - they're acting that way because they don't understand why you're fine being friends with them but don't consider them date worthy. I speak from experience: It's not a good feeling, especially when from the guy's perspective, you repeatedly date jerks yet continue to overlook the good men around you that obviously treat you better. Now maybe that's because you refuse to approach guys. Point is, most of those guys are probably in the same boat you are - if you haven't reached out to them to show them clear interest, you might just be shy, but instead of going the other direction, they lash out in frustration.
Quote:
Originally Posted by StabbyAbby
Why can't people just be honest about their feelings? If you have feelings for a single woman, tell her so that she can make an informed decision. What gives? Is this the new dating strategy for men?
Where have you been?
The days of guys hitting on women just to be shot down are long gone. If you, as a woman, treat a guy "too nice", you need to understand that 9 out of 10 men are going to eventually try to get in your pants. That's called mixed signals. They're easy to avoid: be respectful and friendly without being too nice. Be professional, not personal. Be clear about the boundaries long before you do anything or go anywhere with a guy you're not interested in. You say it's as simple as asking you out shortly after getting to know you? That is NOT typical of American women who are generally looking for something so specific that they would shoot guys down, even alienate them, for doing something as simple as asking a girl out for coffee.
I'm not chastising you, I'm proud of you for being one of the few women to accept the reality of men and women. It can't work - unless one side is gay. Again, any female who claims they have male friends who aren't interested in them, are lying or oblivious, and were someone to ask those males directly without the female in the room they would admit such.
I think I hit a nerve. I bet he befriends women and then complains about being "friendzoned" (I hate that term so much).
LOL! Yeah, I already formed the same mental image of him.
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Then maybe they wouldn't opine so much. 
