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I've struggled with this but I do think forgiveness is necessary. I am guarded about things and I don't speak about it because it's not productive to do that. I'd rather not be around them. Fortunately I'm in another state.
I read Karla Faye Tucker Set Free about the pick-ax murderer who was executed in TX. You want a lesson in forgiveness? I urge you to read it. I've been a believer in Christ since the late 80's but until about a month ago I don't think I realized how powerful forgiveness is - until I read that book.
I just don't believe healthy and normal is ever going to happen once a person crosses that line. Don't expect a victim to do that. It's asking too much.
I'm sorry but you lost me once you mention Christ. I'm not going to let religion have any influence on me and if I want to forgive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68
Forgiveness is what you do for yourself. You forgive to let go so you can move on. It frees you and allows you to get on with your life. It doesn't mean you let someone off the hook. You simply don't allow them to occupy so much of your soul.
I think you are misleading with your definition of forgiveness. When you state that you forgive, who exactly are your forgiving? Yourself or the the wrong doer? When you forgive a person you are pretty much letting them off the hook for what they did. Like if my sibling hit me, I would forgive them if they were sorry. But if they molested me I would never forgive them. They are dead to me and they don't get a second chance. It's over for them plain and simple.
But from what I take from your response I kinda have a feeling that you are insinuating that you should forgive yourself. If you are saying you should forgive yourself somehow then are absolutely wrong.
If anyone wants to give me a clear understanding of what they mean by forgiveness that does not involve religion, Jesus, Christ, Moses, etc then please enlighten men.
If anyone wants to give me a clear understanding of what they mean by forgiveness that does not involve religion, Jesus, Christ, Moses, etc then please enlighten men.
molesters never stop with one kid. you forgiving them is not helping them. its called enabling.
Have to disagree with you on this.
I forgave my abusers because it was the best thing to do for MYSELF. I pity them because they were so damaged and skewed mentally that they thought it was okay to sexually abuse a child. I don't know what makes someone do the things they do and I don't care to put myself in the shoes of an abuser. But, finding forgiveness within yourself is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself.
It's such a difficult concept to even explain, but I assure you it's not as if I've said, "Hey, it's okay that you sexually abused me for years." What I've done is given myself the freedom to not spend the rest of my life, however long that may be, dwelling on it, letting it change me for the worse.
It may be one of those things that until you experience it, you may not be able to actually understand it. I know the concept was foreign to me for years... the idea of forgiving an abuser was absurd. But then I got to a point where I was so damned tired of being eaten alive inside by rage and pain. Instead of my usual tactic, which was so stop going to counseling, I continued. It was painful and I hated it. But I came out the other side thinking and feeling differently, that's all I can say. Today, at age 45, I finally feel like the person I was supposed to be all along but never could be because I had this heavy load on my shoulders ALL THE TIME. I'm not going to say that I am all sunshine and roses because that's not realistic. But I surely feel a lot more authentically "me" now.
Forgiveness is a religious edict. Any sod who touched my winky when I was little is not someone I want to have any sort of doing with. I don't need to hate them, forgive them or permit them some sort of normal relationship. I live now, but I do not forget.
Why would you (or anyone) want to have any kind of "relationship" with someone who molested you as a child???? If your daughter was raped, would you tell her to "forgive" and have a "normal relationship" with her rapist?? No, you wouldn't (or I hope you wouldn't!), so why would you want to have a "normal relationship" with some piece of shiit who molested you as a child and basically destroyed your life??
Screw that. Forgive if you think it would make you feel better but don't try to establish any of relationship with this person. Trust me, the moment you let your guard down, they will do it again OR, even worse, they may molest YOUR children.
In regards to your question, I explained my stance earlier in this thread.
I'm sorry but you lost me once you mention Christ. I'm not going to let religion have any influence on me and if I want to forgive.
I think you are misleading with your definition of forgiveness. When you state that you forgive, who exactly are your forgiving? Yourself or the the wrong doer? When you forgive a person you are pretty much letting them off the hook for what they did. Like if my sibling hit me, I would forgive them if they were sorry. But if they molested me I would never forgive them. They are dead to me and they don't get a second chance. It's over for them plain and simple.
But from what I take from your response I kinda have a feeling that you are insinuating that you should forgive yourself. If you are saying you should forgive yourself somehow then are absolutely wrong.
If anyone wants to give me a clear understanding of what they mean by forgiveness that does not involve religion, Jesus, Christ, Moses, etc then please enlighten men.
I'll give you my thoughts.
For me, forgiving would involve both the perpetrator and myself. I like to think that forgiving the perpetrator means you are at a point where you no longer hold anger, resentment, ill will, thoughts of revenge or other hard feelings towards that person for what they did. And it also means forgiving yourself of the anger, guilt, blame and other bad feelings you harbored as a result of the incident(s). To me, the purpose of such an act is to let go of the negativity that entered your life as a result of the molestation. I believe that when you hang on to negative thoughts, it creates negative energy in your life where you could be creating/focusing positive energy.
Has anyone ever been molested by a parent or other family member during childhood and gone on in adulthood to not only forgive them, but were able to establish a normal, healthy relationship with that person?
If so, how was this accomplished? Is it a bad idea to try to salvage and begin a new relationship with a past abuser?
the forgiveness isn't for the molester, but the person who has been molested.
it sets one free, gives them peace....however, whoever made the comment, "in order to forget you have to forgive"? Wrong...you can fogive, but you should never forget any negative experience, that is how one learns. At least, that is the way I look at it.
But the anger goes away when you start to forgive, you start to heal and are able to now move forward.
and no one says you have to ever see your molester again....or you even want to....
When you hate someone for what they've done to you, all it does is make your own life miserable. It can effect your life in a very negative way for years....the only way out of that darkness, is to be able to forgive and move on....in the light of day....I never wanted to see my molester again. He is dead now, but he was a family member who when I grew older, I could not be around, made my skin crawl, and certainly did not want him around my son....so, he was actually no longer welcome near me or my family, however, I was able to forgive him...doesn't mean I needed to trust him....child molesters cannnot be cured....and they have at least 50 - 75 kids that they've molested in their life time....and why this country doesn't do anything about it, I'll never know.
I've seen people go far and wide to rescue a dog, and there is nothing wrong with that, but why oh why people don't do anything about child molesters is beyond me, and even harder to forgive, are the people that venture back into a church where they know there is a priest who molested children? God, how sick is that?
Do you know how many kids are molested in this day and age and schools and parents are so much more into the fact that a spanking is beating a child.....Everyone's got their priorities all mixed up and at whose expense, our children's. No one who has been molested can even begin to understand what that child goes thru, sometimes for the rest of their lives....if they are unable to seek help.
Also, children fear a great fear of telling...as much as they blame themselves for their misfortune.
I so wish and hope and pray, someday adults will get their heads on straight.
Last edited by cremebrulee; 05-15-2014 at 12:38 PM..
I'm interested at all the people who say "no, hate him forever. Let them burn." Isn't family about unconditional love? Now, I'm NOT saying you should allow them back in your life on a regular basis, let ALONE let them around your kids, but I'm sort of astounded at the volume of people saying forgiveness is absolutely impossible. I mean I've heard cases of a family member killing another family member and usually the family seems to forgive them.
Even if a relationship would be too awkward or impossible, I think forgiveness is always a good thing. Of course it's hard and you should never be rushed towards it, but it's always good to let go of bitterness I think. My stepdad was physically and emotionally abusive to me and I forgive him for it.
I find it sad that so many victims of abuse probably end up dying angry.
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