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I don't think of him as clueless at all. I do think we have different priorities at this point in our lives. He has lived with three other guys, and while I'm certain they did a major clean up job just before we visited, they at least recognized what needed to be done.
I want to treat him as I would any adult in my home, because I think it's the respectful thing to do at his age. But, yes, we do have to discuss a few things that can make me crazy, like kicking sneakers off in front of the tv and leaving them. He isn't a slob, or lazy, he just doesn't think it's an issue, and in his eyes, it isn't.
I firmly believe that everyone has a different threshold for cleanliness/tidiness, and being raised a certain way is only one factor of any that would play into this. I clean things when I notice they need it. I pick up things when they bother me. I was raised by a borderline OCD mother who had to have things just right. Beds were made every morning. Towels were folded a certain way. Not much of that rubbed off on me. I'm not big on making beds. My house is clean enough but I'm not going to let other parts of my life go to make sure my house is spotless.
I also think when you have your own space, you automatically "care" more and take better care of it. I was a slob in my room at my parent's house. When I got my own place I suddenly cared and it was a whole different picture.
I think he sounds like a good kid. Maybe he just needs to be reminded of a few small things.
Btw, grown-ups don't have parents footing their bills.
I don't know why you are being so hard nosed. He has a job. He graduated from college. He's transitioning from student to adult. Once upon a time students could continue to live on their minimum wage jobs after they graduated until they found something better. Not so anymore. Nothing is wrong or unusual about the OP's situation, and the things she is asking for help with are not a big deal.
I firmly believe that everyone has a different threshold for cleanliness/tidiness, and being raised a certain way is only one factor of any that would play into this. I clean things when I notice they need it. I pick up things when they bother me. I was raised by a borderline OCD mother who had to have things just right. Beds were made every morning. Towels were folded a certain way. Not much of that rubbed off on me. I'm not big on making beds. My house is clean enough but I'm not going to let other parts of my life go to make sure my house is spotless.
I also think when you have your own space, you automatically "care" more and take better care of it. I was a slob in my room at my parent's house. When I got my own place I suddenly cared and it was a whole different picture.
I think he sounds like a good kid. Maybe he just needs to be reminded of a few small things.
True. My dad's mom was kind of OCD -- she would scrub the kitchen floor on her hands and knees -- every day! She didn't like anything out of place and her house was picture perfect at all times even with 5 kids.
My dad said that making the beds just traps the germs and stale air in -- that it's better to let the sheets air out all day. I think he was kidding -- but I seemed to have learned that from him as an impressionable kid. What's weird -- I never make my kids make their beds but as they got older, they started doing it on their own.
I don't know why you are being so hard nosed. He has a job. He graduated from college. He's transitioning from student to adult. Once upon a time students could continue to live on their minimum wage jobs after they graduated until they found something better. Not so anymore. Nothing is wrong or unusual about the OP's situation, and the things she is asking for help with are not a big deal.
I still don't see my kids as fully adult if they're still living in my home.
As long as they're working, I'm pretty easy going about it -- and they still have to follow mostly the same rules -- but I don't have to yell at them to do their homework, I don't have to pick up after them, I don't have to do their laundry or even cook for them.
To me it's best if all involved still realize it's the parents' home and that there are rules for the home -- and there's the door if they really don't like it. I agree the OP's kid sounds pretty good -- not much of a problem and what annoyances there might be are minor ones. He helps out when asked -- that's good enough I think.
For those kinds of annoyances, I'd just put up with them. He'll soon be gone I think and then the parents will miss him.
Both of mine were pretty good, however, they would do things like take the dogs out but when they came in, they would close the door but leave it unlocked.
We'd come home after 11 PM and voila, unlocked door. By that time, they were both working or out for the evening with friends.
Leaving the shoes out - they both did that also!
They now both live on their own - our son actually bought his own place and now has a roommate so he is learning a lot. Our daughter lives alone but I know a lot of cleaning gets done before we visit
On that note, before they visit, I always have the house super clean.
It's a work in progress. He was working till the wee hours this morning. The first thing I noticed when I got up was his hat on the couch, and his boots in the corner. The second thing I noticed was the concert poster he brought home for me.
I did talk with him this afternoon, and asked him to confine his stuff to his bedroom, and he very pleasantly agreed. Then he went out, wearing his hat. The boots are still in the corner.
It's a work in progress. He was working till the wee hours this morning. The first thing I noticed when I got up was his hat on the couch, and his boots in the corner. The second thing I noticed was the concert poster he brought home for me.
I did talk with him this afternoon, and asked him to confine his stuff to his bedroom, and he very pleasantly agreed. Then he went out, wearing his hat. The boots are still in the corner.
Compared with what some people have to deal with, yours doesn't seem to be much of a problem. And the thing is, whenever you live in the same house with someone else, there are going to be some things that irritate -- probably it's best to just shrug them off and be glad he's turned out as good as he has.
I'll be sad when mine are all out of the house -- so I tend to tolerate things that could annoy me a little.
I think of what my sister said about when her last kid left home for good. She said for 25 years of 5 kids the worst thing was the fact that never once could she was dishes and put them away and have them stay put away. She hated picking up dishes or having to yell at everyone to pick up dishes, she would get them washed and while she was putting them away, somone was coming along taking them back out and dirtying them. It was her biggest gripe about having kids.
Then when the last one was packing up and taking his stuff out to the car, she said she did okay. Even as he drove away, she felt very sad, but she stayed in control. She did the dishes and got them all put away, went to bed, got up and went to work after taking care of the couple dishes they used for breakfast. When she came home from work she saw that not a single dish was out, everything was how she had left it and she broke down. She said it was weird how the thing that bothered her the most was the thing that hit her the hardest. It was sad to realize that now she had an empty nest and they would never be coming back home.
It's a work in progress. He was working till the wee hours this morning. The first thing I noticed when I got up was his hat on the couch, and his boots in the corner. The second thing I noticed was the concert poster he brought home for me.
I did talk with him this afternoon, and asked him to confine his stuff to his bedroom, and he very pleasantly agreed. Then he went out, wearing his hat. The boots are still in the corner.
How sweet that he brought a concert poster home for you.
We don't have a lot of problems with boots left around as we have a dog that loves to chew on shoes. Leave them out if you want, but you'll be wearing gnawed-on shoes from now on.
Our grown kids have moved in and out with us as one by one they got their feet on the ground. We've had these talks. They were always so agreeable. Nothing changed. Life rolled on.
I wished we had charged them for rent, saved the money and gave it to them when they moved out. We never did. We were really derelict in that.
Realizing that we were on borrowed time here, I just tried to enjoy the moments with them while they were still around.
Then when the last one was packing up and taking his stuff out to the car, she said she did okay. Even as he drove away, she felt very sad, but she stayed in control. She did the dishes and got them all put away, went to bed, got up and went to work after taking care of the couple dishes they used for breakfast. When she came home from work she saw that not a single dish was out, everything was how she had left it and she broke down. She said it was weird how the thing that bothered her the most was the thing that hit her the hardest. It was sad to realize that now she had an empty nest and they would never be coming back home.
I miss seeing their stuff thrown around.
Wish I had not wasted so much energy getting on their cases about picking up their stuff. I love it at Christmas when their things are all thrown this way and that.
How sweet that he brought a concert poster home for you.
We don't have a lot of problems with boots left around as we have a dog that loves to chew on shoes. Leave them out if you want, but you'll be wearing gnawed-on shoes from now on.
Our grown kids have moved in and out with us as one by one they got their feet on the ground. We've had these talks. They were always so agreeable. Nothing changed. Life rolled on.
I wished we had charged them for rent, saved the money and gave it to them when they moved out. We never did. We were really derelict in that.
Realizing that we were on borrowed time here, I just tried to enjoy the moments with them while they were still around.
A number of parents have written how they collect rent money from their adult children, who are living at home, and save and return that money to that child when the leave. It makes a nice nest egg to start the adult child on their way to independence.
Every situation is different. Don't feel badly about not collecting rent from your children and then returning it. It was not a "dereliction of parental duty". There is a possibility that one of our adult children may be moving home in a few months. We probably will be collecting rent from her. However, our situation is that we will need that rent to help us pay the utility bills and mortgage. It would be wonderful if we could collect it and return it back to her but in our situation that is not feasible.
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Went through this with both of mine
