Is it fair of my mother to constantly tell me I'm wasting her money on college? (wealthy, senior)
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If they pay for the degree, they should have a say in it. It's not your money, it's theirs. If you don't want to go their route, pay your own way. Plenty of people pay their own way through college (I did) and then you don't have to have someone commenting on how the money they're paying towards a degree is being wasted, because you'll be paying with your own money.
Um.....is THAT what you're seeing in my post? If so, please seek medical help IMMEDIATELY! I'm not kidding!
You immediately berated the OP and ignored the SERIOUS emotionally abusive comments that her mother make. I grew up with parents like that. When I didn't apply to Harvard for college because I was focusing on maximizing my scholarship potential (and I knew I wouldn't get in), my parents called me stupid and lazy. When I got into a top 35 university with a full tuition scholarship amounting to close to $200,000 over 4 years, my parents said I lacked ambition because it wasn't HYPSM. And they said all of this when they were never going to pay for college anyway! I'm 26 years old with a career in a growing field and working on a master's degree in a technical area, but on the rare occasions I speak to my parents, they still insult me for not choosing to go into medicine or law - even though I would have been in my first year of law or med school dealing with stage IV cancer that they also refused to offer any kind of emotional, physical, or financial support during because I was an adult and it would interrupt their planning for an international trip they couldn't afford.
Growing up and entering adulthood in the shadow of that kind of mental illness is not easy. And when your parents raise you with constant attacks on your intelligence and decisions, it makes it even harder to separate yourself from them because all you do is crave approval. At 20-21 years old, the OP has likely not been equipped with the type of self-esteem needed to navigate these waters. I know my transition into adulthood was incredibly difficult, and I have consistently had at least 1000 (and up to 4000) miles of distance.
Your comment had nothing to do with the OP. She's not bouncing around from major to major. She has a dual major in economics and computer science, for crying out loud! It is typical for students to drop out of pre-med track after freshman year - ESPECIALLY if they are pushed there by their parents. That's not bouncing around, it's making a solid choice. She's not "living parasitically" - she is working at an internship and preparing for her future. Economics and computer science are two strong majors on their own, and together are preparing the OP for a solid career from the moment she graduates rather than years down the line for an MD that she has no interest in. And all through this, her parents are off the rails.
If her parents do not support her goals, they can pull funding. They CANNOT verbally abuse her. She changed her major two years ago and they're still paying. They don't want to put their money where their mouth is - they're just being unnecessarily cruel and mean.
To the OP: Do you have access to a therapist? Therapy really helped me come to grips with my parents' actions and words. I had internalized a lot of my childhood as "normal" (I mean, doesn't everyone's parents tell them that they are going to call the foster care people who will kick you down the stairs and put cigarettes out on your back?) and it all came crashing down when I went to college and realized no, actually, this is not normal at all. Therapy helped a lot, even though I resisted it for a long time (my parents did not believe in mental health issues).
Keep plugging away. How far away is your college from home? When you're back at school, try to get another internship during the school year and make yourself known in your college career center. Do not apply for jobs anywhere near home. Given your parents' antisocial behavior not maintaining friendships or keeping in touch with relatives, it seems like it would be an easy fadeaway once you've started your career. Put the onus of communication on them.
Basically- tough it out for another year. Then get a job,and move out as soon as possible. Show your parents that you can live a life doing as you please. What's that old saying- "living well is the best revenge".
Once you're on your own and out of the house your relationship with them may change. As an independent adult, you'll be able to control how often you see them, etc. Don't forget to thank them for putting you through college. You don't have to cut them out of your life- just minimize your relationship with them. Just hang in there for another year. Good luck
For everyone focusing on the "lifetime of misery" the OP has suffered at the hands of his mother (justifying the OP's using his parents to obtain his/her degree then dumping them straightaway), and the being told to go commit suicide...
The post linked above, posted in another forum, doesn't even mention the whole suicide thing, and neither post says anything about a childhood of mental abuse and misery. If that was really true and the OP really thought she meant it wouldn't THAT be the bigger issue? Regardless of the degree, the money and everything else? It seems to be mentioned as an afterthought though, in support of how naggy his mom is, rather than the focus of abuse. So either a) The OP is projecting how mom's rants make him/her feel more than what she actually says or b) The mom is dramatic and says over-the-top stuff but the OP knows this is just how she is and more or less inwardly eyerolls at it - but what he/she is really concerned about is whether he is obligated to deal with his naggy mom and milquetoast dad while they keep supporting him. FWIW, I don't think his mom's attitude is particularly unusual in a family of first generation immigrants who weren't able to attain their dreams in the country they left.
It very well may be that the OP's mother is difficult and overbearing, but I'm sensing the OP has added a bit of drama here as well.
Last edited by maciesmom; 06-21-2014 at 11:08 AM..
OP...sorry, but the people paying the bill have a RIGHT to an opinion. They also have the right to say, "We're paying for med school...period!" ...and refuse to pay for any courses which do not fall under those course requirements.
I don't agree with parents who plan out their children's lives and make career choices for them. I don't think it's fair for anyone to dictate a person's future. That being said...I also don't think it's fair for grown children to live parasitically, off of their parents, while they bounce from major to major. If you're lucky enough to have a parent paying for your tuition, pick one and stick with it. If you want to change careers later, take classes part-time and pay for those classes yourself!
With something like medicine it's pretty hard to determine before you take those kinds of courses if you have the ability to handle it or not. I also don't think it's realistic to say that either because it's easy to get to college and realize you have found a new love/passion based on a class or two you have taken.
For everyone focusing on the "lifetime of misery" the OP has suffered at the hands of his mother (justifying the OP's using his parents to obtain his/her degree then dumping them straightaway), and the being told to go commit suicide...
The post linked above, posted in another forum, doesn't even mention the whole suicide thing, and neither post says anything about a childhood of mental abuse and misery. If that was really true and the OP really thought she meant it wouldn't THAT be the bigger issue? Regardless of the degree, the money and everything else? It seems to be mentioned as an afterthought though, in support of how naggy his mom is, rather than the focus of abuse. So either a) The OP is projecting how mom's rants make him/her feel more than what she actually says or b) The mom is dramatic and says over-the-top stuff but the OP knows this is just how she is and more or less inwardly eyerolls at it - but what he/she is really concerned about is whether he is obligated to deal with his naggy mom and milquetoast dad while they keep supporting him.
It very well may be that the OP's mother is difficult and overbearing, but I'm sensing the OP has added a bit of drama here as well.
It did not mention the suicide comment, but this was posted a few weeks ago and I took the suicide comment to be more recent. But you really don't think the below is harmful?
Quote:
. I constantly hear things from her like "you aren't cut out to be a programmer", "medical would have been better" "neither fields have jobs", "you will work in Mcdonalds for the rest of your life".
A reminder - her majors are computer science and economics. Two fields with strong job outlooks, especially put together.
I feel for the OP, because almost everything she said about her parents and how she has internalized that negativity in the post you link to could be said about my family. I've posted on CD for close to a decade - and in the first half of that, I sung my parents' praises often. It's not that the abuse wasn't happening, it's that I blamed myself. I blamed myself when my parents would not visit me when I was going through chemo and instead chose to go on a 2 week trip to Scotland. It's taken a lot of therapy and reconnecting with family members who my parents had isolated who show me love with positive reinforcement to see my parents for the mentally ill people they are.
When your parents provide a middle class, stable upbringing for you and do not physically injure you, many people scoff at the idea that your upbringing was difficult. The thing is, if the OP had been raised by parents who gave her confidence, helped her build her self esteem, and fostered independence, this thread wouldn't even exist. She would have separated herself from the situation the moment it began. Instead, that kind of constant negativity and antisocial behavior often leads to a weird, counterintuitive sense of codependency. And it takes hard work and time to break the disordered thinking.
I hope the OP is able to find help to gain the confidence and self-worth to get out of the situation the way my brother and I have. My maternal grandmother has been a godsend that way - we were never close growing up but over the past few years, my brother and I have reached out to her and the validation and unadulterated love we feel from her has changed our lives for the better.
It did not mention the suicide comment, but this was posted a few weeks ago and I took the suicide comment to be more recent. But you really don't think the below is harmful?
I don't believe I ever said that type of thing wasn't hurtful or even harmful. I am only pointing out that most of the people responding to the OP are answering in reaction to the suicide comment. Since it wasn't brought up in the first OP, and really only as "supporting documentation" in the current OP, it seems that the poster himself does not see it not as the primary issue. It's not even completely clear if she (the mom) ACTUALLY said those words. The OP indicates that the mom says "something to the effect of" that...He or she appears to be content with their current major, content enough to continue with it and ignore his parent's attitudes (living at home?) and deal with it so long as they are paying tuition and living expenses. The only question is, once comfortable enough to live on his (or her) own, is she justified in cutting off all ties? That is really all that is being asked. Anyone can cut off ties with anyone they choose at any time. If the situation is really as dire as the OP is saying, why is he willing to stay, at the risk of his own mental well being?
ETA - I am not saying the OP should (or shouldn't) cut ties with his parents. That's pretty extreme in my opinion, but I'm not living it. I'm only trying to put the actual question in some kind of context. It is interesting to note that the first OP (in another forum) only received a handful of responses. Ask again in Parenting, add a very inflammatory detail, and voila! Pages of support...!
Last edited by maciesmom; 06-21-2014 at 12:50 PM..
Looks like a lot of people are getting hung up on the detail of the OP's parents paying for her education. What about the fact that if they really didn't like what she is studying, they could decide to stop paying for it? No one is forcing them. What's next? "We're paying for your wedding so we get to pick the groom."
What the OP chooses to study today will affect her entire career, 50 years of her life more or less. She may never get another chance to go to college. She needs to be able to choose in order to be happy; if she is not happy with her degree after graduation, then it's on her, she needs to own up to that. Her parents are freely paying for her college education. It is a gift, a huge gift, and if she screws it up by choosing a course of study that she doesn't really think will be useful to her, then she is worthy of the contempt some people are expressing here.
You immediately berated the OP and ignored the SERIOUS emotionally abusive comments that her mother make. I grew up with parents like that. When I didn't apply to Harvard for college because I was focusing on maximizing my scholarship potential (and I knew I wouldn't get in), my parents called me stupid and lazy. When I got into a top 35 university with a full tuition scholarship amounting to close to $200,000 over 4 years, my parents said I lacked ambition because it wasn't HYPSM. And they said all of this when they were never going to pay for college anyway! I'm 26 years old with a career in a growing field and working on a master's degree in a technical area, but on the rare occasions I speak to my parents, they still insult me for not choosing to go into medicine or law - even though I would have been in my first year of law or med school dealing with stage IV cancer that they also refused to offer any kind of emotional, physical, or financial support during because I was an adult and it would interrupt their planning for an international trip they couldn't afford.
Growing up and entering adulthood in the shadow of that kind of mental illness is not easy. And when your parents raise you with constant attacks on your intelligence and decisions, it makes it even harder to separate yourself from them because all you do is crave approval. At 20-21 years old, the OP has likely not been equipped with the type of self-esteem needed to navigate these waters. I know my transition into adulthood was incredibly difficult, and I have consistently had at least 1000 (and up to 4000) miles of distance.
Your comment had nothing to do with the OP. She's not bouncing around from major to major. She has a dual major in economics and computer science, for crying out loud! It is typical for students to drop out of pre-med track after freshman year - ESPECIALLY if they are pushed there by their parents. That's not bouncing around, it's making a solid choice. She's not "living parasitically" - she is working at an internship and preparing for her future. Economics and computer science are two strong majors on their own, and together are preparing the OP for a solid career from the moment she graduates rather than years down the line for an MD that she has no interest in. And all through this, her parents are off the rails.
If her parents do not support her goals, they can pull funding. They CANNOT verbally abuse her. She changed her major two years ago and they're still paying. They don't want to put their money where their mouth is - they're just being unnecessarily cruel and mean.
To the OP: Do you have access to a therapist? Therapy really helped me come to grips with my parents' actions and words. I had internalized a lot of my childhood as "normal" (I mean, doesn't everyone's parents tell them that they are going to call the foster care people who will kick you down the stairs and put cigarettes out on your back?) and it all came crashing down when I went to college and realized no, actually, this is not normal at all. Therapy helped a lot, even though I resisted it for a long time (my parents did not believe in mental health issues).
Keep plugging away. How far away is your college from home? When you're back at school, try to get another internship during the school year and make yourself known in your college career center. Do not apply for jobs anywhere near home. Given your parents' antisocial behavior not maintaining friendships or keeping in touch with relatives, it seems like it would be an easy fadeaway once you've started your career. Put the onus of communication on them.
Guess what?! THIS WAS MY CHILDHOOOOOOOOOOOD! I left at 16 yrs old and got the f*ck away from it. I have spent the majority of my life, STAYING away from it. I didn't rely on my parents for support. I went to college, as an married mother of 4 children, ON scholarships, and grants.....TWICE. Yes, two degreed professions....with FOUR children. I did all this while working part time.
Puhlease.....spare me the BS that you need to get over and get past! The people drove me friggin crazy....or were driving me crazy, and dysfunctional, and depressed, and hopeless...and completely f*cking worthless and unloved. I knew they were dysfunctional and there came a point where I simply said, "You people are just f*cking evil and mean! I do not need your sh*t, your control, your money....period! Whether you like it or not, I am leaving. With your blessings or not, I am leaving. I will not live like this anymore. If you make me stay, I will simply run away and you won't see me ever again. If you don't try to stop me, we can still be friends. Period."
Please spare me the pity poty excuses. Oh, it would be just fantastic, knowing that the very child you're desperately trying to guide (and support), with YOUR labor and money, is on the internet, asking if it would be "bad" to simply throw away your parents, after you've taken all you wanted from them.
OP....Do you somehow think it's "right" for you to come online and say terrible things about your parents...because they can't hear you? ....but it's not okay for them to say negative things to you? Yeah...there's definitely some MHI in this family.....for sure.
FWIW, a quick search of the OP's previous posts indicate his/her parents are willing to foot the bill for grad school as well. Upto 50K/yr. And the poster uses the word "blessed" when it comes to parents. So guessing he or she is really more frustrated than abused.
FWIW, a quick search of the OP's previous posts indicate his/her parents are willing to foot the bill for grad school as well. Upto 50K/yr. And the poster uses the word "blessed" when it comes to parents. So guessing he or she is really more frustrated than abused.
Right as usual, MM.
The OP's title was NOT: "My mother is telling me I should commit suicide!" or "My mother is insane and wants me dead." The suicide comment got tossed in after the complaints about his/her parents picking his major.
I'm guessing a Tiger Mother and a second generation child. Who is getting a college education because his parents are paying for it and will have an internship close to home. As Beachmel shared: The 20-year old's who have unstable mothers who are ranting about suicide get the heck out of Dodge.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 06-21-2014 at 04:05 PM..
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I left at 16 yrs old and got the f*ck away from it. I have spent the majority of my life, STAYING away from it. I didn't rely on my parents for support. I went to college, as an married mother of 4 children, ON scholarships, and grants.....TWICE. Yes, two degreed professions....with FOUR children. I did all this while working part time. 
