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This sounds like someone who just, in general, gets under your skin. I worked with a woman like that. We were friends for a long time, but I finally realized that every time I was around her I'd walk away annoyed. I won't bore you with the details other than to say that despite having a lot in common, she just rubbed me the wrong way. To this day, I'm trying to figure out if she's evil and manipulative or just an idiot.
We finally had a falling out a year ago, I refused to be the bigger person and try to mend fences (ALWAYS my job in this relationship). I waited for her to be the one, and a year later, I'm still waiting. But honestly, my life is SO much better for it. No more aggravation. No more walking away from conversations with this craw in my side, bugged over something she said. I turned my focus to other friends, friends so much more worthy of my attention. My life is at peace. Just getting rid of this one toxic person fixed everything that was wrong in my life.
In my opinion, that's where you need to go. Be done with her, turn your attention to people who improve your life, not chip away at it.
If a person, such as this one, were not kin to you, would you waste even a moment of time with them?
If you wouldn't, then why bother with them now? It may be that they don't really have a friend in the world and you just give them someone to talk to in their loneliness. It's not always all about you, sometimes others have problems too.
I think you're projecting a lot on the cousin who just calls to see how you're doing. Do you have any evidence that she is as backstabbing as you think?
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Ok, I have severe RA--rheumatoid arthritis. I've had it for about 30 years, and its put me through some bad times. I've had multiple joint replacements, had to take a stint of disability leave, and in general it has made comprimises in my life. However, I've always landed on my feet. I've always paid all my own medical bills and other expenses, and have really depended on others very little. I do find, though, that people like to exaggerate a situation and their role in it, so they can complain about what a "burden" you are to them.
Over the years, I've turned to family very little, if at all. I had an aunt in Houston I stayed with maybe a total of 6 nights, not consecutive, just 1-2 nights while in town for medical care. And those 6 nights were over a period of 30+ years! I spent more time---and money---in hotels just because I got the distinct impression they were being two-faced----oh, anytime, anything we can do, our door is always open. Then, I would hear 2nd hand that I was "always" hitting them up for "help" wanting to stay with them, borrowing money----I NEVER borrowed a single cent from them! But it makes a good story!
Well, I have a cousin who bugs the crap out of me. Every time she calls, every single time, she always says "are you alright"? or I haven't heard from you in awhile, just calling to see if you're ok. Yes, I'm ok, how about you? Are you ok? Like she's trying to keep that myth going----that I'm the family panhandler, always looking for someone to sponge off of!
I've tried putting it back in her lap---how are YOU? Are YOU alright? But she still doesn't seem to get it Look, if I did have a problem, I certainly wouldn't turn to them, anyways. I sometimes feel she is playing to a background audience, like her husband. Oh, I have to return Mary's phone call---when I probably hadn't called----then says later to her husband, well, you know, that's her, always wanting us to "help" but, like I keep telling her, we have our own constraints, can't help, but she keeps calling................
i'm so fed up with that patronizing crap! I've just stopped calling and correspond via email, she will probably make something of that, too, but at least I don't have to hear it!
So, how would you respond? I'm NOT looking for someone to inflict myself on, I've NEVER asked for money, seldom asked for a small favor, others ask for much more, but because I have a disabling condition, I'm looking for someone to be a burden on, and they'd best stay out of the way. I'm sick of them dancing around a scenario that only exists in their imagination. So, perhaps just cut off any relationship with this cousin because all she does is annoy me
Why don't you just tell her that when she always asks you that, it makes you feel patronized and if anything is wrong, you will let her know and to please stop asking you so much...
I don't get why people run to the internet rather than just talk to each other. I also think you are projecting too much of your own stuff into what could be a genuine question on her part.
OP, I know exactly (for the most part) on what your life is like with RA. My mother has had RA for 33 years now and she also has had multiple joint replacements and surgeries to the point where we now call her The Bionic Woman. It's hard to watch and be that close to someone you love who has such a crappy disease and many people just don't know how to deal with it.
My mother's best friend of 50 years doesn't have a clue as to what my mother has gone through and has literally never offered to help her recover from any of her surgeries, etc. It was my grandmother helping out until she died and then my siblings and I and my father doing it all. No one else in our family has ever really helped at all and everyone was in close proximity of us, too, no more than 15 minutes away. I've come to the conclusion that most people don't have the capacity to understand what my mother has gone through and continues to go through. Your cousin sounds the same way, as if she pretends to care but in reality just doesn't "get it".
My advice would be to distance yourself from your cousin for awhile and reassess things at a later time. What's the point of having people in your life just because of your history? People change and often not for the better, unfortunately. GL
I want to be treated like a person, not a stereotype.
This cousin never just calls up to chat, tell me the latest in her life, get together as equals, no.....she always starts off any conversation like its a Duty Call---checking on the sick
Its not so much what she says but how she says it. Its not "how are you? Its "are you alright"? Isn't that a little demeaning? Like my life is one big mess and she's calling to "check up" on me. Like I said, when I give it back, ---How are you? She just brushes that off, like of course, she's always fine, but she goes right back to "But how are YOU"?
She is as two-faced as the come. She fishes to see if I'm in some sort of "crisis", then makes sure shes not available during that time. Like I mentioned earlier, I have a hip replacement coming up, she keeps asking when. she NEVER says if there's anything we can do, yadda, yadda....she just demands to know when, which I don't know quite yet. Its being postponed for a variety of reasons. I had a tentative date scheduled for Feb 17, then had to postpone that. When she thought it was then, suddenly, she's going on a cruise then. Now that it looks like she will be home before my surgery, now she's trying to contrive some other excuse.
Look, I NEVER once asked a thing from this particular relative. Like I said, I've never even been to her house. I did stay at her parents' house a total of 6 times over 30 years ago when I went to Houston for medical care, and those were usually 1-2 nights, I never just took up residence at their place
Or how about the way she treats me with regards to my kids? Asking over and over hasn't school started you? School has been in session here for over a week. Are you sure? Maybe you should call and ask? Look, we live in different states, schools are on different schedules, I've even told her since she's so concerned maybe SHE should call the school and see when they start
No, I don't need her in my life, regardless of what bloodlines we share. No need to have a confrontation, just let the relationship fade away.
You can say how you feel and what bothers you in a way that is not confrontational.
I am wondering and hope you don't take offense because I know how hard it is to have chronic health condition and people who don't understand but do you feel you are being extra sensitive? Your friend asked you are you alright and you find that demeaning but to me she just is wanting to see if you are ok.
This is why I feel if you talk to her it may help you communicate with each other better.
I think you're projecting a lot on the cousin who just calls to see how you're doing. Do you have any evidence that she is as backstabbing as you think?
I agree with this. Your cousin may have just been trying to make conversation. Some people don't come off well. If she didn't care, then she probably wouldn't contact you. Do you ever call her just to talk?
With the way you describe this relationship and the way you feel about her, why are you even having any conversations or anything to do with her?
Detach and move on. It is obviously a negative in your life that is doing you harm. Stop allowing it.
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Look, if I did have a problem, I certainly wouldn't turn to them, anyways. I sometimes feel she is playing to a background audience, like her husband. Oh, I have to return Mary's phone call---when I probably hadn't called----then says later to her husband, well, you know, that's her, always wanting us to "help" but, like I keep telling her, we have our own constraints, can't help, but she keeps calling................
