Not Allowed to Be Friends (jealous, wife, girlfriend, husband)

[Asia45]

Okay, so I have a kind of weird situation going on. And I’m not sure about my…’friendship’ with someone. And this might be a bit long, because I'm verbose, so I apologize. But for those of you who will put up with reading this, thank you!

So, I recently graduated from college, and I'm 21 years old. I worked in the Peer Tutoring Center at my school for the last two years, but I became acquainted with the IT Guy (he's 31, and I'll just refer to him as IT Guy) who worked next door to me, a little over 6 months ago.

We get along pretty well, and have a ton in common, so I've told him that we're pretty much twins. He's done various computer things for me (that he really wasn't supposed to, working for the school and all), and I've tried to be a good friend to him with gifts and whatnot. But I was never really sure whether we were friends or not. Sometimes he'd be receptive to my initiating contact, but then there'd be periods where he barely acknowledged my existence.

I will admit now, that I did have a strong infatuation with him before, but I've grown to look up to him more in a brotherly way, and he reminds me a lot of my dad. But things got weird when I inquired about his Facebook. At first, he claimed he didn’t have one, but then admitted he does and just hides it so that the teachers don’t add him and bother him.

Eventually, I asked to be Facebook friends with him. And he agreed at first, but it never happened. He eventually said it was school policy that he couldn’t be friends with students.

We communicated in person and occasionally through e-mail. And after I graduated, he asked what my personal e-mail was, because he had my school one. But he didn’t want my phone number because his girlfriend (who works next door to him on the other side) wouldn’t be happy about it, so we would just continue e-mailing. I thought it was lame, because most of my friends are guys, but I left it alone.

But he still wouldn’t add me on Facebook, and when I asked about it this time, he said that “she would kill [him].” I thought it was kind of ridiculous, since Facebook is such a whatever thing, and I have lots of friends on it. But once again, I left it alone.

We both like South Park, and my friend and I have tickets to see The Book of Mormon, but my friend wasn’t sure if they could still go. I had asked IT Guy if he would want to come, figuring he would say no. But he said he might be able to. Then my friend officially couldn’t go, but I didn’t ask IT Guy again about it, because I just figured he wouldn’t be allowed to. But I happened to bring it up again today, and he said if he went, it’d have to be a covert operation.

I just feel weird about having to do it in secret. It makes it seem like we’re doing something terribly wrong, but we’re just gonna see an awesome musical, haha. Even the e-mailing and IMing seems so secretive. And his girlfriend could even keep an eye on us on Facebook if she's so concerned. I have nothing to hide. I'd be willing to be friends with her, too, just in general. I think we have stuff in common, and we'd get along.

So, does this kind of behavior seem weird to anyone? I know they’ve been together for 4 or 5 years now, so he must really care for her. And she obviously cares for him to be so concerned about his life with other people, but it just seems to be a bit much. I really like him a lot, and I think we could be really great friends if we were allowed to.

I have plenty of friends in relationships, even engaged and married, and we’re still able to hang out. And one of my best friends here is male and almost 33, so gender and age difference means nothing to me. And I do understand where IT Guy's girlfriend is coming from. I am also a jealous person, but I just feel like there should be some kind of limit. It seems a little controlling. And it just makes me really sad that we’ll never get to be real friends.

So, is there any real point in trying to be his friend anymore? It doesn't seem like we'll ever be able to hang out and be friends. And I wanna be happy for him, as long as he's happy, but I just can't help but feel bad for his situation. I just know I would never want my significant other telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with.

[hothulamaui]

no, there is no point in trying to be his friend anymore. if he can't do things or go places without the full knowledge and approval of his girl friend then he shouldn't be doing it as he has to sneak around to do it. either way it isn't good for you. what do you get out of it? I would not bother with a friend that wants to hide you.

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by Asia45

Okay, so I have a kind of weird situation going on. And I’m not sure about my…’friendship’ with someone. And this might be a bit long, because I'm verbose, so I apologize. But for those of you who will put up with reading this, thank you!

So, I recently graduated from college, and I'm 21 years old. I worked in the Peer Tutoring Center at my school for the last two years, but I became acquainted with the IT Guy (he's 31, and I'll just refer to him as IT Guy) who worked next door to me, a little over 6 months ago.

We get along pretty well, and have a ton in common, so I've told him that we're pretty much twins. He's done various computer things for me (that he really wasn't supposed to, working for the school and all), and I've tried to be a good friend to him with gifts and whatnot. But I was never really sure whether we were friends or not. Sometimes he'd be receptive to my initiating contact, but then there'd be periods where he barely acknowledged my existence.

I will admit now, that I did have a strong infatuation with him before, but I've grown to look up to him more in a brotherly way, and he reminds me a lot of my dad. But things got weird when I inquired about his Facebook. At first, he claimed he didn’t have one, but then admitted he does and just hides it so that the teachers don’t add him and bother him.

Eventually, I asked to be Facebook friends with him. And he agreed at first, but it never happened. He eventually said it was school policy that he couldn’t be friends with students.

We communicated in person and occasionally through e-mail. And after I graduated, he asked what my personal e-mail was, because he had my school one. But he didn’t want my phone number because his girlfriend (who works next door to him on the other side) wouldn’t be happy about it, so we would just continue e-mailing. I thought it was lame, because most of my friends are guys, but I left it alone.

But he still wouldn’t add me on Facebook, and when I asked about it this time, he said that “she would kill [him].” I thought it was kind of ridiculous, since Facebook is such a whatever thing, and I have lots of friends on it. But once again, I left it alone.

We both like South Park, and my friend and I have tickets to see The Book of Mormon, but my friend wasn’t sure if they could still go. I had asked IT Guy if he would want to come, figuring he would say no. But he said he might be able to. Then my friend officially couldn’t go, but I didn’t ask IT Guy again about it, because I just figured he wouldn’t be allowed to. But I happened to bring it up again today, and he said if he went, it’d have to be a covert operation.

I just feel weird about having to do it in secret. It makes it seem like we’re doing something terribly wrong, but we’re just gonna see an awesome musical, haha. Even the e-mailing and IMing seems so secretive. And his girlfriend could even keep an eye on us on Facebook if she's so concerned. I have nothing to hide. I'd be willing to be friends with her, too, just in general. I think we have stuff in common, and we'd get along.

So, does this kind of behavior seem weird to anyone? I know they’ve been together for 4 or 5 years now, so he must really care for her. And she obviously cares for him to be so concerned about his life with other people, but it just seems to be a bit much. I really like him a lot, and I think we could be really great frieIT Guy has a girlfriend who he has been with for a number of yearsnds if we were allowed to.

I have plenty of friends in relationships, even engaged and married, and we’re still able to hang out. And one of my best friends here is male and almost 33, so gender and age difference means nothing to me. And I do understand where IT Guy's girlfriend is coming from. I am also a jealous person, but I just feel like there should be some kind of limit. It seems a little controlling. And it just makes me really sad that we’ll never get to be real friends.

So, is there any real point in trying to be his friend anymore? It doesn't seem like we'll ever be able to hang out and be friends. And I wanna be happy for him, as long as he's happy, but I just can't help but feel bad for his situation. I just know I would never want my significant other telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with.

He does not want to be friends with you okay? ITGuy has a girl friend who he has been with for a number of years. She would be uncomfortable with him being friends with you and he does not want to be friends with you. He does not even want to be facebook friends with you. That's a bad sign.

While you were in college, I have no doubt that he might have flirted with you. I also have no doubt that you are not the only person with whom he has flirted or will flirt. As an ITGuy, at a university, I also have little doubt that he has done favors of a computer related nature for you while you were an undergrad. See, ITGuys love to show off how well they manipulate computers. It is the nature of being an IT guy.

So The IT Guy likes "South Park"? And you like "South Park"? Must be a match made in heaven! "South Park" has been running on televisions since when? 1999? Many people like "South Park". Everyone from random 12 year old's to a 70 year old university affiliated neurologist who I know, enjoy this TV show. I am a middle aged woman. My husband and I like "South Park" and so do our teenage and college aged kids. Nothing special about that. Liking "South Park" hargly makes you two Soul Mates.

No you just happened to have tickets to a very popular Broadway play, "The Book of Mormon" and he was willing to go to that play with you. Big deal.I'll go to an expensive popular Broadway Play with you too! That does not mean that I want to be your best friend.

Bringing up other people who are allowed to be friends with you who are married or engaged means nothing to ITGuy and his specific relationship with his SO. That is his business and not yours. Or mine.

It seems to me that you as a 21 year old recent college grad, have a crush on a 31 year old man who is in a relationship with another woman. The age to me at least is a non issue.
His relationship is.

My advice to you is simple. BACK OFF! If you want to get over him, follow these simple rules:
1. Stay away from him. Not just physically, but do not send him e-mails, texts, call him or anything. The more distance that you put between you and this man, the sooner you will get over him.

2. Do not watch "South Park". Why because it has an emotional significance to you that connects you to this person. It's a trigger point for you.

3. Try to find a guy who is not attached or involved.

4. Focus on your own life. Get on with your career goals or apply to Grad or school or what ever it is that you planned to do after graduation.

You will get over this man in 6 months to a year. How do I know this? I learned it in a psychology class in college when I was am undergraduate. Trust me, it works.

[WyoNewk]

I agree with hothula. Whether his girlfriend would be jealous or not, he thinks she would, and if that's how he feels, he shouldn't be sneaking around with you, either in person or via emails. If he was open to her about your friendship, that would be fine, but he's not. I'd bow out and simply tell him that you don't want to be the cause of friction between him and his gf.

He may be infatuated with you and doesn't trust himself, or his gf may be the jealous type, or maybe he just doesn't think it's appropriate to be close friends with the opposite sex while he's in a relationship.

I somewhat agree with the latter. I'm married. My wife isn't particularly the jealous type, but I don't have any friendships with females that are as important to me as my wife's feelings. I don't want her to GET jealous. I have a couple old gfs as Facebook friends, but I don't chat with them, don't email them, don't talk to them on the phone. It's just not worth it to me.

I also know that strong feelings can develop unintentionally, especially between people who like each other anyway. I know because it's happened to me.

[Inkpoe]

Originally Posted by Asia45

So, is there any real point in trying to be his friend anymore? It doesn't seem like we'll ever be able to hang out and be friends. And I wanna be happy for him, as long as he's happy, but I just can't help but feel bad for his situation. I just know I would never want my significant other telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with.

"Feel bad for his situation"? He's come up with many excuses over the years for everything... and now is using his gf as a clutch, since he can't even use the school as an excuse. His gf probably doesn't even know you (or that your "thing" w/ the ITGuy) exist.

Have some respect for yourself and be with people who sincerely want to get to know you and hang out with you. Move on and away from the guy because he's too busy being stupid.

[Asia45]

Okay, I think you guys are right. I really just wanted a push for me to give up on him and move on. But it's been hard to do that because I did want to be friends and still thought we'd get along well, you know? So, it's helpful to have that push, haha.

However, sheena12, aside from your post being somewhat abrasive, lol, the one thing I wanted to point out was that my mentioning of South Park had nothing to do with us having that in common. That was just prefacing the fact that I figured he might be interested in seeing the Book of Mormon, since it's made by the same people. So, it wasn't really necessary to comment on it. (And just to note, we had a lot more in common than that, haha.) Still, I appreciate your forwardness with your advice and found it helpful.

[Granny Sue]

It looks like you're learning that work and school friends are not always the friends you hang out with in your free time.

I have plenty of people at work that I consider my friends but outside of work we have different interests.

It's all ok. Just file him under school/work friend.

[luckygirl15]

There is something wrong if one person has to "hide" the friendship.

He sounds immature. You should move on and forget about this guy.

[BirdieBelle]

Just because YOU view Facebook as a "whatever" thing does not mean everyone sees it this way. For many people, a FB friends is slightly more significant.

There is a big age difference between the two of you, and different generations even view it the same way. My teens have more than 1,000 "friends," while I am only friends with people I know and interact face-to-face with regularly.

So respect the fact that he respects his GF's feelings. Maybe she is the jealous type. Maybe he doesn't believe in friending recent college grads from work. It doesn't matter. They have a long history that you have no business speculating about. Reading into the actions of someone you admittedly have been infatuated with only leads to trouble and pain for YOU.

You will meet many men along the way that you have a pretty interesting connection with. My best advice to you is to really LISTEN to what people tell you about how far they want their relationships with you to go.

[cremebrulee]

I would back off, period....
this man is clearly avoiding you for reasons you may never know, so I would respect his wishes, keep your dignity and move on....
men married or not, well, it is just a good idea to stay away....sounds like you make friends easily, so, move on and if you need male companionship, be friends with males who are not in relationships....you will learn a great deal more positive...then negative....