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First, it's pretty lousy of you to call her crazy. Maybe she has too much anxiety about the kids succeeding, and being financially secure, but that doesn't make her a terrible person.
And where have you been in all of this, that you haven't noticed her being overwhelmed until now?
It sounds like she has a ton of anxiety. If she can deal with that, she would probably feel a lot better which would make things better and calmer for you and the kids as well. Has she always been like this?
^^ This right here, also, maybe you do need to get a part job to help a little bit more, I know, I'm suggesting a lot with your free time already filled with the kids, but the extra money does help out and it might give you and her some piece of mind, just a thought, sometimes you need to do more to make it work, like MissTeri said, maybe she has a little bit more anxiety then you think, 40 something old hump, it happens, maybe mention it to your wife, that together you guys can make it through. Keep it simple.
Money isn't everything, I like the way you WANT to enjoy life a little moving forward. That's what it's all about, man, try to get her some help with a Doctor who knows about these things. Your life might change for the better, if she does. My brothers wife had anxiety all the time, she got help from the Doctor and is better then ever for it. She's fun to be around now.
I just don't know why she is unhappy in life. She tells me I don't know how to make her happy. But first she needs to relax and be little outgoing and funny.
So you'll take care of her happiness once she changes to suit you?
Is it possible that through your inaction you have piled all this stress on her?
IMO, you are headed for disaster. Unless you actually want to be a divorced parent who visits his kids, stop calling your wife crazy and listen to what she's saying. Because all I see is a woman who just wants what's best for her family.
It sounds to me like she is a perfectionist and what some now call a "tiger mom". If so, I sympathize with you. I've had 2 friends who were this, and despite their good intentions, they really did drive others nuts. Both thought that they should and could control everyone and everything in their lives. Their kids were expected to get 100% on EVERYTHING and win almost all the awards at school. When this failed in a small way, like another child getting the award, it was taken as some kind of big injustice or failure.
The money thing (extreme cheapness) was embarrassing. Once when we went to the movies, one of them went to the manager and demanded her money back because the movie wasn't good.
I think writing the letter as someone else suggested might help. Maybe getting her to loosen up on just one or two things at a time would help.
She has a husband who gets on the internet and, rather than discuss how it hurts him to see the woman he loves in the grip of what must certainly be very painful anxieties and ask how he can help her find inner peace for her sake, instead diminishes and disparages her by calling her "crazy." I can't imagine why she's unhappy.
I'm not so sure this is a relationship that requires therapy. I think you both maybe first need to get some education on how relationships develop--you can do that with some good self-help books on relationships.
My first take on this is that she tends to be a person who is concerned about the future, concerned about the children's success, and concerned about finances and responsibilities. You tend to be someone who is more laid-back about those things. You both came together already having these traits. Then when couples get together, and they are opposites on a given trait, then tend to polarize--meaning they move toward the extreme ends of the continuum. You become more and more laid-back, she becomes more and more anxious about the future, the finances and the kids' success. The more laid-back you are, it will upset her even more. The WORST thing to say to her is "relax" and "stop worrying." Not only will that not help, it will make things worse.
You feel like you are thinking more clearly than she is. But I bet she would say that she is thinking more clearly than you are. She sees the financial demands that you don't see. She sees all the things that could go wrong with the kids' future success, you don't see those things. Some people are just natural worriers and naturally concerned about success, and some people are just naturally "go with the flow" types.
I can relate to being a natural worrier. This doesn't mean I have an anxiety problem, just that I stay aware of all kinds of things that could go wrong and I make sure I'm prepared. When someone tells me to "relax," that will just tick me off. When I was in a 15 year relationship with a laid-back person, I became even more or a worrier, and even more stressed about responsibilities. He became even more laid-back. He even learned that I could carry the stress in the relationship, so he never had to feel any of it. That may be what you are doing, without realizing it. She may have been carrying all the stress for both of you, so now to you, she looks like a "crazy" stress-fiend, and to her, you look like you are clueless and aloof.
If you aren't aware that you are opposites on this trait, and you never recognize or validate the other's position, you will continue to polarize even more. The key is to recognize the other person's position, even though you don't necessarily agree with it, and try to compromise by moving toward each other and not further apart. If you start to recognize more of the things she worries about, and take more responsibility in those areas, she will likely be able to start stepping back and relaxing a little. But as long as you fail to recognize the stresses, she will continue to feel like she's carrying all the stress for the whole relationship.
Thank you so much taking the time to reply. After the surgery, I see things in a different way for sure I did make many mistakes in the past but never corrected it.
Now, I am learning and making the changes to be better person and better husband. Thanks to city-data users for their advise. :-)
First, it's pretty lousy of you to call her crazy. Maybe she has too much anxiety about the kids succeeding, and being financially secure, but that doesn't make her a terrible person.
And where have you been in all of this, that you haven't noticed her being overwhelmed until now?
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes. I did make many mistakes in the past but my brain tumor didn't allow me to see that until this week. Thank you so much for notching that.
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