nieces/nephews and gifts (presents, person, member, children)
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I recently had a major fallout with my sister over gift giving. I definitely believe in the position I took here, but I'm curious to hear some different perspectives on the situation.
At Christmas, I do typically buy gifts for my sister's children (now a 14yo and 12yo and 1yo). Normally, I don't actually remember their birthdays and so I think I've missed most of them.
A couple of months ago, my sister called and asked me to please get her daughter a present, as her birthday was coming up and she was "worried everyone had forgotten about her." I asked her when her birthday was and she said, "2 days." I live a couple of hours away and would have needed to find and ship the present and I said, "That's short notice." She said, fine, she'd just get her a present from me. Then later she sent me an email saying, "The 'short notice' comment was really rude. Her birthday has been on the same day for the last 12 years." Well? So? I never remember her birthday. I'm happy to buy a present for her, but I would need a reminder.
Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks and she invites me to her 1 year old's first birthday party to be held in 3 weeks. I decline the invitation, but send 3 presents.
After the 1yo's birthday party, my sister calls and tells me that her daughter wants to chat with me on Facebook. I get on and her daughter says, "It hurt my feelings that you bought a present for [1yo] and didn't get one for my birthday." I then apologize for hurting her feelings, explain that I will most definitely forget his birthday at some point, as well, and (this is kinda ugly, but...) explain that her mother gave me only two days notice for her birthday and 3 weeks for [1yo], and that I'm simply not good at remembering birthdays.
Here's the thing - I know her mother/my sister put her up to that conversation. Everything is a big melodrama with her and I have watched my sister use her kids as pawns for the duration of their existence. Not only does my sister act entitled to gifts and special treatment when she visits, but it seems to me her kids are turning out the same way. They have never said thanks for a gift that I got them - and I don't care about that, but it does mean to me that they don't really like or care about the gifts I've gotten them. Her whole clan just acts entitled. It's sickening to me. I never received birthday gifts from my extended family and never would have considered asking them. If I had, I think I'd have gotten a spanking.
Anyway, when I closed the chat with the niece, I emailed my sister and said that I hate to have hurt her daughter's feelings and to avoid any kind of disappointment in the future, I will not be giving any gifts in the future and will not be accepting any either. And I would just prefer that we all focus on the joy of knowing each other. I got a nasty email back saying that she was proud of her daughter for sharing her feelings so openly and that she just wanted her daughter to remember that our last words to each other were "I love you". Seriously. Melodrama.
I'm sure my sister knew that I don't get a lot of joy out of dealing with her family, so I'm sure she was reading between the lines in her ugly response. But is it me or is it really rude to go around asking for gifts? I've certainly never expected gifts from them and don't expect to receive any gifts from them when I do have a child. And gifting holidays were always an immediate family affair for me growing up. I would expect that I'm the one who would be most excited about my child's birthday and I'd be the one to make "it" happen so to speak.
So, CD. Is it the norm in most families for aunts and uncles to buy birthday gifts? Would you be proud if your child if they contacted a relative and shared their disappointment at not receiving a gift? Would you be offended if the relative announced an end to the focus on gift exchanges?
I don't have children and I am not very good with them. I am okay with seeing my nieces once a year (14 and 12 years old).
However, sending a gift on birthdays and christmas is MANDATORY. I don't remember birthdays either, but my computer does. Calendars do also.
About $300/year go to my nieces as gifts. That's just how it is.
I think your sister is reasonable and you should be a better aunt (uncle?)
It is different with gifts for adults. I don't give gifts anymore (much to my parents dismay)
Remember when you were a child and just loved getting gifts? Just think back and what if you dont get a gift from an uncle but your sibling does - how can that NOT be devastating to a child?
I recently had a major fallout with my sister over gift giving. I definitely believe in the position I took here, but I'm curious to hear some different perspectives on the situation.
At Christmas, I do typically buy gifts for my sister's children (now a 14yo and 12yo and 1yo). Normally, I don't actually remember their birthdays and so I think I've missed most of them.
A couple of months ago, my sister called and asked me to please get her daughter a present, as her birthday was coming up and she was "worried everyone had forgotten about her." I asked her when her birthday was and she said, "2 days." I live a couple of hours away and would have needed to find and ship the present and I said, "That's short notice." She said, fine, she'd just get her a present from me. Then later she sent me an email saying, "The 'short notice' comment was really rude. Her birthday has been on the same day for the last 12 years." Well? So? I never remember her birthday. I'm happy to buy a present for her, but I would need a reminder.
Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks and she invites me to her 1 year old's first birthday party to be held in 3 weeks. I decline the invitation, but send 3 presents.
After the 1yo's birthday party, my sister calls and tells me that her daughter wants to chat with me on Facebook. I get on and her daughter says, "It hurt my feelings that you bought a present for [1yo] and didn't get one for my birthday." I then apologize for hurting her feelings, explain that I will most definitely forget his birthday at some point, as well, and (this is kinda ugly, but...) explain that her mother gave me only two days notice for her birthday and 3 weeks for [1yo], and that I'm simply not good at remembering birthdays.
Here's the thing - I know her mother/my sister put her up to that conversation. Everything is a big melodrama with her and I have watched my sister use her kids as pawns for the duration of their existence. Not only does my sister act entitled to gifts and special treatment when she visits, but it seems to me her kids are turning out the same way. They have never said thanks for a gift that I got them - and I don't care about that, but it does mean to me that they don't really like or care about the gifts I've gotten them. Her whole clan just acts entitled. It's sickening to me. I never received birthday gifts from my extended family and never would have considered asking them. If I had, I think I'd have gotten a spanking.
Anyway, when I closed the chat with the niece, I emailed my sister and said that I hate to have hurt her daughter's feelings and to avoid any kind of disappointment in the future, I will not be giving any gifts in the future and will not be accepting any either. And I would just prefer that we all focus on the joy of knowing each other. I got a nasty email back saying that she was proud of her daughter for sharing her feelings so openly and that she just wanted her daughter to remember that our last words to each other were "I love you". Seriously. Melodrama.
I'm sure my sister knew that I don't get a lot of joy out of dealing with her family, so I'm sure she was reading between the lines in her ugly response. But is it me or is it really rude to go around asking for gifts? I've certainly never expected gifts from them and don't expect to receive any gifts from them when I do have a child. And gifting holidays were always an immediate family affair for me growing up. I would expect that I'm the one who would be most excited about my child's birthday and I'd be the one to make "it" happen so to speak.
So, CD. Is it the norm in most families for aunts and uncles to buy birthday gifts? Would you be proud if your child if they contacted a relative and shared their disappointment at not receiving a gift? Would you be offended if the relative announced an end to the focus on gift exchanges?
Gifts are just that--gifts. If you decide not to get one, or forget a birthday, it is the height of rudeness to be reminded of it by the would-be recipient. Your sister sounds like a piece o' work. Just try to ignore her and keep doing what you've been doing.
Your sister is being ridiculous. One does not go around asking for gifts. Keep doing things the way you're doing. if you want to limit gift giving to Christmas then do so.
Does she and her children buy you gift for your birthday? I bet not. She simply thinks her kids should get gifts and she s raising her children to expect gifts - to be so rude as to ask for gifts.
However, don't make the mistake again of buying a gift for one and not the other. Let your gift giving parameter be known- I'm only giving Christmas gifts- stick to it- and avoid the rest of the drama.
So, CD. Is it the norm in most families for aunts and uncles to buy birthday gifts? Would you be proud if your child if they contacted a relative and shared their disappointment at not receiving a gift? Would you be offended if the relative announced an end to the focus on gift exchanges?
I would think that it's farily normal to buy both Christmas and birthday gifts, but that really is up to you. I know of several larger families where all the adults draw names, so once a child is 18, they are part of the adult gift exchange and no longer get gifts from everyone.
However, I think it's very rude to call someone to tell them you're disappointed for not receiving a gift. That, to me, is the height of bad manners, because it's a gift, not an entitlement. At the same time, I think you should buy for all, or none.
Yeah, no. Gifts that are demanded, and not even acknowledged by the recipients, are not gifts at all. They are ransom demands.
If you really wanted to remember the birthdays, it's easy enough to set up calendar alerts on your phone or computer, but that doesn't address the issue of your sister and her children feeling they are owed something. We ended that constant gift giving stuff years ago, to everyone's relief.
I don't think I'd be sending anything to any of them under the circumstances, but, if you want to keep the peace, you must do it for all, even if it's done belatedly. And, if you decide to go that route, why not set up an account in their names for college expenses?
I send small birthday & Chanukah gifts to my 5 nieces & nephews. I made it clear when I first starting doing so that I expected that the gifts be acknowledged.
I do think it is rude to be told what to get when the giver didn't ask for that information.
However, sending a gift on birthdays and christmas is MANDATORY.
I can't tell you how much I disagree with this statement. I am not REQUIRED to send gifts to my nieces for birthdays or holidays. They are not required to do the same for my or my children.
Some people are so hung up on GETTING the gift and acknowledgement that they forget that holidays and birthdays are supposed to be a celebration of family and making memories together... treating gift-giving occasions as a time to tally up booty is wrong and sends the wrong message to the child receiving the gift as well as squashes any good feelings the sender would have.
If the only reason your sister is going to encourage your nieces / nephews to contact you is to complain about gifts you send...that is pathetic.
Send your niece a belated birthday present: a book on etiquette (and/or letter-writing) for near-teens.
And let's hope her mom looks inside it, too. Teaching her kids entitlement is hardly good parenting. She sounds extremely manipulative - poor kids. If you can spend time with them - the best gift - to help alleviate their mother's toxic influence a little bit, all the better. Maybe any further "gifts" could be aunt-niece outings to places of interest, with a stop for ice cream sundaes or root beer floats on the way home...
We don't do gifts in my family for birthdays - there are just way too many nieces and nephews to keep up with. They all get one for Christmas, but that's it, and we stick to a limit. My husband's family does phone calls - at some point around someone's birthday, they will get a birthday phone call. I've started doing this with some of my family members too, and I must say, I like it way better than cards. The gift of personal interaction is something I truly appreciate.
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Melodrama.
