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Next Saturday night is my 40th High School reunion. After thinking about it, I posted my issues concerning the reunion on the Class of 75's Moderator cut: edit Page. Enough people with whom I have not been in regular contact have urged me to come. The problems crystallize as follows. Three of my life's closest friends (friendships dating from 1964-72) are attending.
The other two out of the three are a different story. These are people I'm not talking to; one since his rude handling of the 1995 and 2005 reunions, and the other for about 10 months (despite his inviting me to his daughter's wedding in May. These are the two prior threads on this individual:
As a matter of principal, I will not make "small talk" with either of these two people until I "clear the air." With the first one, i.e. the one who was rude at the last two reunions, an apology will do. For the second one (the one who the threads here are about) the matter is not so simple. He has often, over the period of our relationship, shut off contact, usually based upon some spurious grievance and then reappeared as if nothing happened.
Should I accept that for what would now be the fifth or sixth such time?
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Originally Posted by jbgusa
I am going to the reunion at the specific request of about five people. The issue is how, short of punching out the other two, do I handle them?
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Originally Posted by jbgusa
There will be plenty of people to talk to. When the one whom the other threads are about strolls over to start shooting the breeze about the election, or about Israel, or whatever small talk topic is on his mind, there's going to be a problem.
My intention is to say "I have as much to talk to you about as you did in the last six calls on which you practically hung up on me." And I may add: "You know, one of those calls was when my mother died. You said "before I hang up, keep (a certain date) free for my daughter's wedding. I want you there." I then said "I don't know if you know but Rusty (my mother) died in December." Without saying he was sorry to hear he said "I didn't know that" and then hung up. Small talk doesn't come to the lips too easily at that point.
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Originally Posted by jbgusa
We became friendly around the time Nixon was re-elected.
It depends on whether he tries to handle matters as "business as usual" when they're not. The other person, who wouldn't shake my hand at 1995 or 2005 won't lower himself to talking to me anyway. We had been friends since high school but since I was unpopular in elementary and junior high school I'm beneath him.
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Originally Posted by jbgusa
The backstory is that he bails when peoples' loved ones die. In January 1973 I didn't even tell him my dad died until late that August. I really like showing up people who present as having a very urbane, mature personality but at bottom have the maturity of 10 year olds.
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Originally Posted by jbgusa
I was referring to his reactions and mentality. Trust me, there are many that think that way. I'm now looking for a Times Op-Ed on this subject from the early 1970's and will post when I find it.
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Originally Posted by jbgusa
The comments on this thread reflect a total lack of ability to read. Not one of matters I complained about occurred in high school; all were at ages 37/38, 47/48 and 56-57.
OP, I'm not asking in a snarky way, but are you known for having an amazing memory? Can you remember the characters of books you read 10 years ago? Can you recall with great detail things that people said to you and things you did in college?
I have a friend who is like that. She'll ask me if I remember something we did together 30 years ago and I'll have a vague memory but she can recall details of conversations. You are talking about slights that occurred 20, 30 and 40 years ago. For most people, memories and feelings fade over time, but I have a feeling that those things feel as real to you today as they did then.
That's the only explanation I can think of for your comments about things that have happened to you in the last 40 years.
OP, I'm not asking in a snarky way, but are you known for having an amazing memory? Can you remember the characters of books you read 10 years ago? Can you recall with great detail things that people said to you and things you did in college? ******
That's the only explanation I can think of for your comments about things that have happened to you in the last 40 years.
Thanks for the compliment. I must have a good memory though I am not aware of it being exceptional.
A short story though. In 1991 my (then new) wife and I went to a summer camp for adults in the Berkshires over July 4 weekend. One of the days it rained. So we decided to take a local jaunt to visit camps at which we had been campers in our childhood. We drove up Route 8 in Massachusetts, from Lee to Becket. The road had, I believe, a 45 or 50 mph speed limit and I was going the limit. I made a hard left into my Camp Greylock's driveway. My wife asked "when were you last here?" I said, a couple of times in 1972, but my last summer there was 1968." She asked "how did you do that," meaning how was I able to locate it without hesitating or checking directions. I said I assumed most people could do that, especially if it involved childhood memories. She said that was not the case.
And my work colleague of 28 years regularly calls me for cites on case and statutory authorities, some of it back to 1986. So good observation.
Well this was a train wreck. I hope the OP can learn to let go. I can't imagine being in my 50s and worried about stuff like this. Have you never learned how to make small talk with people you don't like? How do you make it in the professional world holding grudges like this?
You do realize that all this stress is your own making right?
People talk great lines about bullying. I was in modern parlance "bullied" but in fact made good. I have a happy marriage, two good children and some good friends.
That is awesome. Can you not see that you have not "made good" in terms of forming friendships and apparently need some professional help to understand how your past is making you unable to do that?
People talk great lines about bullying. I was in modern parlance "bullied" but in fact made good. I have a happy marriage, two good children and some good friends.
Far from it. The stuff I was complaining about happened entirely in recent years and was not held onto from past years. I provided background, pure and simple, as to some of the problematic issues and people.
A more serious disappointment was how little changes between ages 18 and 58.
What do you mean by "made good" that you got back at your bullies or what?
You're no longer regular friends with these 2 men and you show no signs of wanting to restart the friendships. It's not normal or healthy to spend as much time venting about these people who you will see for ONE NIGHT and don't even have to talk to more than a polite hello. Yet here you are online spending so much time and energy on something that in the big picture doesn't matter.
I am going to the reunion at the specific request of about five people. The issue is how, short of punching out the other two, do I handle them?
Sounds like you are using the requests of these 5 people as an excuse to attend so you can experience some drama to deflect whatever is really upsetting you. I suggest you get therapy to help you deal with whatever is really going on in your life.
OP, I suspect that if your two former friends were asked what they thought of you as a friend, the response would be "high maintenance."
If I take at face value your perception that these two have shown by their actions that they don't care about your feelings, then accept that they don't and move on. What do you want them to do if you tell them how you feel? Do you really want them to pretend to care when they don't by offering an insincere apology? Where's your pride? You also have no right to tell someone else how they ought to feel. Feelings don't come from a place of logic.
I think it was silly to mention not shaking hands 10 and 15 years ago, but all in all it sounds like you handled it fine and didn't cause any scenes or anything, so good for you!
I think it was silly to mention not shaking hands 10 and 15 years ago, but all in all it sounds like you handled it fine and didn't cause any scenes or anything, so good for you!
As a practicing lawyer I shake hands with my adversary in Court. When someone doesn't shake hands I've seen other attorneys call it to the Court's attention, particularly where rudeness is an issue.
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