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I'm 35 years old, have an amazing husband, a nice house and a new job I enjoy, but I have little to no relationships with my immediate family members. Over the years my mother has picked on me, has got in the way of family relationships, played people against me, and excluded me from family get togethers. Nothing I do is good enough. We buy her gifts, take her out to dinner, but it's not enough. So after 35 years I have decided to stop trying. My husband is tired of the dysfunction and all the fighting with my mother, was starting to affect our marriage.
My mother was pregnant with me at the age of 21 and my birth father wasn't interested in having a part in my life. He signed away his rights and my mom married when she was 22, the man she married became my father. He raised me. They then had 2 more children. Since I was a kid, she treated me unfairly and picked on me for any reason. I was not perfect but I was not a "bad" child. I always chased this feeling of "acceptance" which I never really got from her. My sister is her favorite and is definitely the "golden" child. My sister and I aren't close at all, because of the damage my mother has caused and is still causing. She is always a victim and she thinks she can say whatever she wants to me, no matter how awful and if I defend myself, I'm "disrespectful"..
I have been my mothers dumping ground for so long, and I'm just done. The latest example of her mistreatment was my fathers birthday dinner. It's his 65th. Three weeks ago, she pretty much demanded a large sum of money for a purchase for my dad's birthday. My mother doesn't "ask" if we can contribute to a gift, she "tells" me. I explained to her that money was a little tight this month, (due to our new home purchase) and she didn't like that answer. She got loud and yells " are you telling me with your husbands salary you can't give money for this gift!" She is just impossible. I got up and left her home and haven't been back since. My father would never ask for a gift - he never wants anything.
She then calls me a week later and says she is planning a dinner for my dad at a very expensive restaurant on a specific night. We would be responsible for paying her own way and I again reminded her that money was tight this month. I told her that we could figure something out but that particular night my husband had a client dinner and I had to work until 630 and this restaurant was an hour away. She said the dinner was at 7. We wouldn't get there in time. So I suggested how about a Saturday night..and she said "Your sister is working that night", So I suggested Sunday and she got agitated and said " oh well, too bad if you can't come, this dinner isn't about you." I told her to "expletive" off and hung up the phone. I never said that to her before but I just lost it and broke down in tears.
I called my father the next day and of course she had already gotten to him, so he wasn't receptive. She picks and chooses what she tells him to make herself look innocent. I love my dad but he enables her bad behavior. My mother has excluded me from other events or made it very hard for me to attend, my sisters high school and college graduation I was not invited to. My sisters bridal shower and wedding I hardly made it to, and only knew about because of my father. I got married (after my sister) a few years ago and made attempts to include my them in my wedding planning. And they did a nice job on flowers and a few other things, but that kindness was short lived.
Even though money is a little tight right now my husband does well financially, and over the last 6 years we have traveled around the world and lived very comfortably. My mother always had something negative to say, so I don't really share many "happy" details of my life with her. My parents have always struggled financially. I think she is a little jealous. We are currently trying for a baby and I don't want to bring a child into this dysfunction. I'm at the point where I'm thinking about cutting ties completely, but that means I will also lose communication with my father, and that hurts my heart. But he isn't receptive to what I have to say.. So what choice to I have?
My husband is tired of the dysfunction and all the fighting with my mother, was starting to affect our marriage.
It takes two to fight. Stop fighting. There are books that teach techniques which might help you deal with your mother during the few times you plan to see her in future. Do a keyword search of the word "assertiveness" on Amazon.
It takes two to fight. Stop fighting. There are books that teach techniques which might help you deal with your mother during the few times you plan to see her in future. Do a keyword search of the word "assertiveness" on Amazon.
I tend to do a lot of defending for myself. I'm usually being attacked or provoked. I have done a lot of changing to try to accommodate her needs, I have needs too.
You will never get your mothers approval. Stop trying. Having had a similar relationship with my own mother, I know how hurtful it can be. But once you make up your mind that you are never going to have a great mother/daughter relationship and cut the contact to minimum, you'll feel much better.
A difficult relationship with a parent often makes you a better parent to your own kids. It worked that way with me, so I guess it served some purpose after all.
As far as your father's b'day goes, you can certainly do something on your own to honor and celebrate it. Best of luck.
I had a very similar relationship with my mother and family for many years. I moved far away, read lots of self help literature, sought counseling, wrote several journals and ultimately accepted my mother's limitations as it pertained to me. The change that I made in myself created space for healing and my relationship with my mother and the rest of the family has mended. My mother is still difficult and always will be but my response to her unrelenting perfectionism and critical habits now employs humor or a direct response (like one might use on an unreasonable stranger) without looking for anything from her. Oddly enough I get more from her now than I ever have. My relationship with Mom will always be unequal and it simply is what it is. I totally understand where you are coming from. BTW, your thread title says it all. Her inability to properly love and care for you has more to do with her inadequacies and limitations than it says about you, but your responses and need for validation exacerbate the poor dynamics between you unfortunately.
My advice: Cut a lot of distance (emotional, if not physical) from your mother and family, let their calls go to voicemail and respond only in case of emergency and work on your past. I'd highly suggest counseling. A good counsellor is worth every penny.
FWIW, I'm sorry. Most people that haven't lived through what you have experienced have a very hard time understanding how debilitating it really is. I wish you peace and healing.
Do you want to heal? Accept your mother's limitations and stop expecting her to change.
This is one of those stories that I'd like to hear the other side of.
The other side would most certainly be highly entertaining. Narcissists usually are. Until they aren't.
OP, you don't have to accept poor treatment, or engage with her just because she's your mother. No, she doesn't have to change. But you don't have to be there for the histrionics, either.
You can have a very limited, scaled back relationship with clear boundaries set by YOU. When you see how she reacts to that you'll likely have your answer about how to proceed moving forward. Good luck!
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