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As for the money, I must say that I see why your mother got angry. It sounds like you are wealthy, compared to most people. "Things are a little tight this month" doesn't mean anything. That's your mother you're speakng to. Be specific about why you can't contribute to your father's gift or dinner. One month of being tight isn't very persuasive. Everyone in the world has a tight month now and then, and then next month things are back to normal. In other words, if it was something you really needed or wanted, you wouldn't let one month's "tightness" stand in the way. Your mother knows this.
I suggest you just tell her that you think that cost for a gift is too much, so you don't want to contribute to it. You'll get your own separate gift for him...or she can choose a lower cost gift. Her choice. But don't try to say "things are tight this month," since that doesn't mean anything, really.
As a 65+ year-old, I agree with the first P, above. We turn 65 only once. Dad's getting older. Charge your dinner to the credit card. If you're well off to travel around the world and buy a house, etc at such a young age, you can charge your dinner. By the way, I take it that it was a typo when you wrote "pay her own way." Sounds like you meant "pay our own way." Do it. Don't shortchange your dad.
I'm 35 years old, have an amazing husband, a nice house and a new job I enjoy, but...
Ummmm, Ma'am? Look at how you describe yourself. You've succeeded. You've arrived. I know a zillion people who want to be in your shoes.
The 'but...' part seems to be a Mom who isn't dialed in right. Sorry about that. Happens to the best of us.
But you are alright. Struggling to pay the bills, care for a sick pet, keeping up with your spouse - all the same things we all did when we were 35. You'll survive this.
Lots of good advice on this thread about talking with your Dad - I won't repeat it. Just keep your eye on what is important - your life and your family.
You can't fix them. You can only fix you. Move on and stop agonizing over it. Be polite and courteous. If you are invited, go if it is convenient and you want to. Otherwise say no. And I think you need practice saying no...
The only way you will ever be able to deal with your mother is to seek counseling. She's hitting your emotional buttons and this could go on for a long time. It won't ever be much different until you can work on the problems from the past.
"NO"..is a very hard word to learn to say out loud. I feel for you. I had to learn how to say "NO" myself...and apply it to any situation in my life that merited it. Mom included.
No explanation necessary. Just "NO".
You can keep, maybe even repair some of the damage your mother has created about you to your dad.
Call your dad. Explain to him why you can't attend his dinner party on his birthday. Tell him you would like to take him to dinner or maybe a sporting event he enjoys in honor of his birthday and in thanks for just being your dad. Make plans for just you and him.
Sorry about your mother who must harbor resentment towards your bio father ..He is not around so you are the receiver of her resentment. Just distance yourself from her drama by not arguing or allowing her in your personal life.
Best of luck to you in whatever decision you make because you sound like a very caring person.
OP, I believe this post is spot on about why you're receiving the ill treatment. Bear in mind that this does not excuse her behavior. Your presence has always reminded her of a situation that I'm sure she didn't want to be in (especially back then) - young, unwed, and conceiving a child with a man that wasn't father material. In her eyes, you were/are a constant reminder of her "mistake". If you look in any way like your birth father, it's even worse for you because all she sees is the person she loathed.
I've seen this happen too many times, to friends of mine, and I feel so sorry for the children. They are truly the innocent parties since they had no real choice or say in the matter. These children bear the scars well into adulthood, for reasons that have nothing to do with them. No one wants to feel unloved. I have a friend whose mother always berates her, makes her feel unwanted, is excessively critical. Why? Because she was born a girl. She never wanted girls. She mind as well have given birth to an alien. Hurts, doesn't it, to be treated like garbage due to something that's out of your control -- like your gender, or your race, or merely being born.
You should definitely consult a social worker/therapist to help heal those wounds. What you have covering them are bandaids, but the wounds themselves haven't healed. You should definitely distance yourself from your mother and focus on the relationship that you can control - your family. These people need you. If anything, your mother's poor treatment of you should serve as a motivation for you to have the relationship that you desired in the past with your own children.
What kind of parents do some of you have? My father would never let me take him to an expensive and put the tab on my credit card since I can't actually afford it. He'd tell me I was crazy and to save my money.
Why is the dinner so important, why is the high price tag necessary. A birthday isn't about the food or a party it's about family and friends getting together to celebrate one of them.
So many of these response are just backwards in my opinion.
Your mother sounds like she have issues with your father. You travel around the world and your husband have clients over. You sound pretty stock OP. Your mother just wants favors and is looking for you to give.
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