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Congratulations! My sister and her husband broke up during their relationship a couple times (college). They got back together when she went to medical school and he even moved to be near her. They have been married over 10 years now and have 3 beautiful children. Past break ups don't mean that is in your future. I was a different person at age 28 than I was at 24. They say your brain is not fully "cooked" until age 28 anyway. You know who you are now. Don't worry about your friends. They will come around.
you should've WWAAIITTEEDDD!! This is what im talking about American women are too tied down!!!! your only in your 20's whats the rush! there are dozens of guys out there! go for it get lost have fun!
Sometimes your friends know something you don't. Like he hit on one of them or they have seen him out with another woman. They may discuss it among themselves but be afraid to tell you. Corner them one by one and see what the issue is. Then you can decide if their fears are groundless. They may simply not like the way he treats you and if so that is something to hear also because sometimes one is blind within their own relationship. If your boyfriend was seeing one of your friends and treats them the same way he treats you would you approve?
If all their complaints are from early in the relationship then perhaps all the changing has occurred. However there may be something that is a current concern and if so you should know about it.
you should've WWAAIITTEEDDD!! This is what im talking about American women are too tied down!!!! your only in your 20's whats the rush! there are dozens of guys out there! go for it get lost have fun!
Running around dating isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's supposed to be fun? Really? Then why are so many people looking for a life partner?
You should take your own council. You know you best. Friends sometimes offer advice that is not truly in your best interest, no matter how they couch their feelings/opinions. March to your own drummer. It is your life after all, unless you want a life by committee and we all know how that ends. A horse by committee, comes out looking like a camel.
I'm curious to know what kind of relationship your fiance has with these friends of yours. Does he socialize with your crowd? I find it hard to believe that if he had made friends with your friends in the ensuing 18 months that they would all react this way.
I've had several very close women friends dump me 100% at the behest of their new spouses after they put on the ring. I was expected to thrilled my friend was getting married (in one case to a person who was verbally abusive to her) and be a participant in all the activities related to the wedding. Then BANG, I'm persona non grata. In one case it was after I was one of only two attendants at the wedding. Maybe that's what your friends fear will happen. They can see they'll be losing you to him if (1) they haven't already welcomed him into the group or (2) he doesn't WANT to be worked into your social circle and your friends can sense this.
If I were you I would have long, serious talks with my friends, immediate family, and my fiance separately. Ask your friends to explain exactly what it is about him they object to — and listen to their answers with an open mind. You can't possibly be the only couple they know who broke up and then reconciled. I suspect there's something else about him they are worried about. And ask him if he LIKES your friends. Does he feel as if your friends can be his friends? Does he expect to socialize with them in the future after the wedding? You might be surprised by his answer. If he seems at all reluctant and wants you all to himself, that's a red flag, it's not a compliment!
Everybody can't like everybody. But if multiple people react in a negative way to another, they might have an opinion worth listening to. Sometimes we woman want our relationships to work out so bad — especially if we expected to be married and having children by a certain age — we overlook negatives we should be paying attention to.
If I am understanding you correctly, your 5 closest friends are concerned, right? This may not be what you want to hear, but if my 5 closest friends reacted that way, I would consider where they are coming from. All I'm saying is, perhaps they are seeing something you're not. In no way does that mean I would not marry the guy. It just means they probably have good reason to be concerned. If you would've told me one or even two friends, I would say "whatever". But 5 friends? From the outside looking in, that gives me pause.
How did your family react? That is, if they have spent enough time with you guys together to form a credible opinion.
I agree. When we bad talk our boyfriends with our friends, we sort of poison the well. So I get where they are coming from.
Ditto. A former friend of mine did nothing but trash-talk her boyfriend to her friends, family, and even co-workers. They broke up and got back together several times. She was always screaming about how once they broke up, he immediately had another girlfriend, which to her was proof that he'd been cheating on her. They'd get back together, and she'd start lying about her activities with him. One really bad example being when she told her parents she was going out on the town for NYE with us, but told us she was spending NYE with her parents....and got busted (literally) when it was found out she'd gone on an overnight ski trip with him and broke her arm when she took a spill. It didn't help matters that he'd hit on a few of us, and when we told her, she accused us of 'being jealous'.
So she accused him of being a liar and a cheat when things were bad between them, but when things were good between them, she lied, and accused her friends of lying. And then when they got engaged, she could not fathom why *NOBODY* in her life was happy for her.
If nobody around you is happy for you.....odds are good they've got a damn good reason. It'd be to your best interest to find out exactly why before you say "I do."
Fast forward to now, 1.5 years later (after we reconciled). He has kept his word so far and our relationship has been nothing but wonderful. He has changed, I have changed, we moved in together more than a year ago already and everything has been going really really well. No fighting (except of the stuff other couples sometimes argue about), he isn't overly jealous anymore (I've been to other cities for a weekend with my girls twice, and he was happy for me, no jealousy or anything) and we connect just on so many levels. It's really the relationship I've always dreamt of, and we often talk about the future. Next year, we want to buy an apartment together, and yea, a few weeks ago he proposed.
I'm absolutely sure I want to marry him, I'm not looking for validation here, I'm just looking for opinions on how to deal with my friends. It makes me sad thinking about the moment I told them I'm engaged. Their partly shocked faces and their comments like 'Are you sure you want to do this?', 'Isn't it better you date for another two years or so to be sure' and 'Only 1.5 years ago you broke up. How do you know it's not gonna happen again?' In case this is important, I'm the first one of my closest girlfriends (six girls including me) to be engaged (even though I'm the youngest being 27). I want them to be happy for me, but I know I cannot force them to be. It sucks seeing them doubt my decision. I would be so happy for any of them to get engaged, whatever backstory there is (unless they were cheated on or other deal breakers), except of one all of them are in relationships for 1-3 years.
Appreciating any advice on how to handle this, or sharing of similar experiences.
Thanks!
"I broke up with him in February 2014. After that, we didn't have any contact for three months."
Wow this was just 1.5 years ago you guys had a rocky history. If your friends supported this engagement, I'd wonder what kind of friends you actually have.
Just wait longer. Much longer since you had these issues in the past. I don't care what they were about or whether it is resolved. Past issues just seem to be an indicator that new issues will arise. You seem to be taking this sort of aloof, it is marriage. Please wait at least 3+ years, you have nothing but positive outcome by waiting and it would be nice to not upset your friends either. They are wise friends, be greatfull and listen to them.
It makes me sad thinking about the moment I told them I'm engaged. Their partly shocked faces and their comments like 'Are you sure you want to do this?', 'Isn't it better you date for another two years or so to be sure' and 'Only 1.5 years ago you broke up. How do you know it's not gonna happen again?' In case this is important, I'm the first one of my closest girlfriends (six girls including me) to be engaged (even though I'm the youngest being 27). I want them to be happy for me, but I know I cannot force them to be. It sucks seeing them doubt my decision. I would be so happy for any of them to get engaged, whatever backstory there is (unless they were cheated on or other deal breakers), except of one all of them are in relationships for 1-3 years.
Appreciating any advice on how to handle this, or sharing of similar experiences.
Thanks!
This explains why your friends are not happy for you... You are the youngest, but the first to be engaged. It wasn't "your turn" to get engaged. I know that sounds stupid (and it is) but that is a very real aspect of friendships with groups of women in your age bracket. I've seen/heard about it so many times among my circle of friends, it's extremely petty behavior, but it's pretty common too.
You sound like you are happy, your fiance sounds like he has changed for the better (and speaking as a guy), sometimes, it really does just kind of click when you are ready to settle down and get married and you realize that all the things you used to fight about were pretty insignificant.
At your age, you can certainly be ready to be engaged, in fact, I think late 20's for a woman and early/mid 30's for a man is about ideal. I think your friends are just a bit jealous that you are first, and it has very little to do with your history with your fiance.
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