Engaged- And my friends aren't happy for me (jealous, girlfriend, boyfriend)

[lilawest]

Hi,

I (27) got engaged a few weeks ago to my amazing fiancé (31) and I couldn't be happier. One thing that really brings me down though- My closest friends aren't happy for me and think I should have waited longer.
Their opinion doesn't come out of nowhere- My fiancé and I have been dating for 3.5 years in total, but we broke up twice. The first time it was him breaking up in early 2013, he was overly jealous and I have to admit I didn't do anything to win his trust (I never cheated, but back then I was 24, just out of college and loved going out, getting drunk, often without him), but he also often started fights out of nowhere. A month later, we reconciled and both of us promised to change. I did change, the days of getting wasted and going to clubs were over (nowadays I seriously never go to clubs, I rarely get drunk, I don't see the appeal anymore), but he kept fighting with me about unnecessary stuff, and he didn't seem to be sure about me (When I once asked him if he sees himself with me in the future he said 'I really don't know. I really do want that, but I don't know if we're compatible'). Long story short, I broke up with him in February 2014. After that, we didn't have any contact for three months. Then he reached out to me, asked me to meet, and even though I turned him down a few times, in the end we did meet (I still loved him and thought about him every day). We had long talks, and he said that he wants a future with me and that he realized that I'm the one for him and it would be the biggest mistake ever to let me go. He promised to change. We reconciled, and I was really hoping that he keeps his word.

Fast forward to now, 1.5 years later (after we reconciled). He has kept his word so far and our relationship has been nothing but wonderful. He has changed, I have changed, we moved in together more than a year ago already and everything has been going really really well. No fighting (except of the stuff other couples sometimes argue about), he isn't overly jealous anymore (I've been to other cities for a weekend with my girls twice, and he was happy for me, no jealousy or anything) and we connect just on so many levels. It's really the relationship I've always dreamt of, and we often talk about the future. Next year, we want to buy an apartment together, and yea, a few weeks ago he proposed.

I'm absolutely sure I want to marry him, I'm not looking for validation here, I'm just looking for opinions on how to deal with my friends. It makes me sad thinking about the moment I told them I'm engaged. Their partly shocked faces and their comments like 'Are you sure you want to do this?', 'Isn't it better you date for another two years or so to be sure' and 'Only 1.5 years ago you broke up. How do you know it's not gonna happen again?' In case this is important, I'm the first one of my closest girlfriends (six girls including me) to be engaged (even though I'm the youngest being 27). I want them to be happy for me, but I know I cannot force them to be. It sucks seeing them doubt my decision. I would be so happy for any of them to get engaged, whatever backstory there is (unless they were cheated on or other deal breakers), except of one all of them are in relationships for 1-3 years.

Appreciating any advice on how to handle this, or sharing of similar experiences.


Thanks!

[usayit]

I would just be blunt. Sit your friends down one by one and tell them that you are committed to your fiance and that you value their friendship.... That nothing would make you happier but to have them in your life even after marriage.

Sounds like your friends are just concerned.... in their mind they have good reason. Allow them to voice their concern but also let them know you hear them but it is your life decision

[Dewdroplet76]

Why would be happy for your friends if they got engaged - no matter the backstory? That doesn't really make sense to me. It sounds like your friends are just worried that you are rushing things with someone that you seem to have a rocky relationship with. Marriage is for life - and it sounds like they just want to make sure that you are really making the right choice. And you have to understand - that while you feel really confident in your relationship right now - what they probably remember is all the bad stuff. Did you talk to them a lot about the bad stuff but now you don't really talk to them that much about the good stuff? That's usually how it goes. You turn to your friends when things are difficult but don't talk to them as much about the good things because you don't need to. So, friends don't always have an accurate impression of relationships that were rocky in the past but are good now. Just let them know that things are great between you and your fiancé and that you know that you are making the right decision for the rest of your life.

[Auraliea]

I really wouldn't worry about it.

If your friends can't accept your decision and you go your separate ways...oh well.

People come and go.

[lilawest]

Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76

Why would be happy for your friends if they got engaged - no matter the backstory? That doesn't really make sense to me.

I meant if they were in similar situations and got engaged after having a rocky relationship in the past.

And you have to understand - that while you feel really confident in your relationship right now - what they probably remember is all the bad stuff. Did you talk to them a lot about the bad stuff but now you don't really talk to them that much about the good stuff? That's usually how it goes. You turn to your friends when things are difficult but don't talk to them as much about the good things because you don't need to. So, friends don't always have an accurate impression of relationships that were rocky in the past but are good now. Just let them know that things are great between you and your fiancé and that you know that you are making the right decision for the rest of your life.

Yes, you're def right here. I used to complain a lot about the bad stuff, and almost never mention good stuff, even though there was and is a lot. I should probably tell them the same to give them a different impression.

[Londoncowboy30]

I wouldn't worry too much love, im sure they will get over it

Congratulations on the engagement

[Archaic]

One of my brothers married a woman whom he broke up with at least once (that I know of). Their marriage is still going strong two decades later. I think that the breakup forced them to work things out and made them closer.

Congratulations, and best of luck to you both!

[JanND]

It is likely because they remember all the venting you have done to them regarding this relationship. Have they not been involved with both of you this past year+??

I would just give them time to adjust....Do not take it personally....I think most young people respond to this type news the same way. If you really want to know why they are reacting this way...Ask them.
Congrats, and good luck in your future

[HighFlyingBird]

I agree. When we bad talk our boyfriends with our friends, we sort of poison the well. So I get where they are coming from. That said, I have faked being happy for several people's engagement, marriage and even pregnancies. Sometimes all you see is a train wreck coming but the only option is to let the person decide for themselves. You are an adult, they should trust you are doing the best thing for yourself.

My "best friend" was so mad when I got married she didn't come to the wedding and hung up on me when I called to tell her I was married. It wasn't the guy, she was just mad I wasn't going to be living in our hometown anymore. God I wish I had cut her off then.

[wonderwall]

Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird

I agree. When we bad talk our boyfriends with our friends, we sort of poison the well. So I get where they are coming from. That said, I have faked being happy for several people's engagement, marriage and even pregnancies. Sometimes all you see is a train wreck coming but the only option is to let the person decide for themselves. You are an adult, they should trust you are doing the best thing for yourself.

My "best friend" was so mad when I got married she didn't come to the wedding and hung up on me when I called to tell her I was married. It wasn't the guy, she was just mad I wasn't going to be living in our hometown anymore. God I wish I had cut her off then.

Excellent point (bolded).

If I am understanding you correctly, your 5 closest friends are concerned, right? This may not be what you want to hear, but if my 5 closest friends reacted that way, I would consider where they are coming from. All I'm saying is, perhaps they are seeing something you're not. In no way does that mean I would not marry the guy. It just means they probably have good reason to be concerned. If you would've told me one or even two friends, I would say "whatever". But 5 friends? From the outside looking in, that gives me pause.

How did your family react? That is, if they have spent enough time with you guys together to form a credible opinion.