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I have been friends with this person for about 10 years. Prior to our friendship, my friend went through a very acrimonious divorce. Her ex-husband and I share the same ethnicity. My friend has a different background.
We grew closer and closer over the years. Eventually, her oldest daughter came of age and began to seriously date a young man who has the same ethnicity as the ex-husband. My friend was not pleased. She made objections about the young man based on his character, but also started to make mocking type of jokes about his ethnicity, the same ethnicity as her ex-husband and myself. Gradually, my friend's remarks went from small digs to outright nasty racial slurs. The ex-husband and his family were thrilled that the daughter was dating someone from their culture and they also seemed to like him as an individual.
My friend's daughter married this young man just a little over a year ago. My friend boycotted the wedding. The ex-husband paid for the wedding and the ceremony bascially conformed to the same culture that the ex-husband, groom, and I share. My friend claimed that it was going to be "foreign" and part of the ceremony would not be in English. Also, understandably, she felt uncomfortable attending since she did not get along with the ex-husband and his family. The only member of her family who attended was my friend's aunt, who shares the same views as my friend and did come back to report that it was a terrible wedding, she didn't understand what was going on and it was very bizarre and foreign. She also claimed that the bride was drunk before the ceremony, which doesn't sound right to me, knowing these people.
At first, I ignored the racial slurs that my friend made. She never made insulting remarks about any other race or ethnic group before. I figured that she was very angry because she felt rejected as if her daughter was taking sides, choosing the ex-husband over my friend. Maybe it isn't rational, but I can understand that my friend felt hurt that her own daughter was getting more and more involved in the customs of her enemy, her ex-husband and perhaps was marrying someone like her father.
Enoujgh became enough and I couldn't stand idly by while she insulted my culture and my race with increasingly venonmous diatribe. I never met the young man so I don't know if he is a good person or not or whether he will be a good husband or not. However, that has nothing to do with his racial background and my friend started to use that as a scapegoat to put down the entire culture. I finally told her off and now she is not speaking to me.
Was she always a bigot and these latent feelings are now coming out? Or is she just hurt by her daughter's choice and really doesn't mean the racial denunciations.
Could be she was always that way, and it came out as time went on. I know she married her ex, however even some racist people make an exception and date a person the very race they look down on. But since that didn't work out, your friend can go back to disliking the race/culture more openly.
Now, your "friend" could have been wary of the culture, and married her husband. Then he became an ex, and it was a straw broken which caused her to be more hateful.
I no longer speak to my ex friend because, if not racist, she was too ignorant for my after knowing me for 5-7 years. She openly told me her family was racist, and even if she genuinely thought she wasn't, or tried not to be, she still had some slips ups and said things that came off as stupid, and this wasn't always the case, it just happened more as we hung-out more one-on-one without family and other friends around. I haven't talked to her in a year this month. I could do better alone than with friends who are that ignorant. but I don't hate my ex friend. I just don't care to speak or hang out with her anymore. But I bear no ill will toward her.
Last edited by HappyRain; 02-22-2015 at 11:53 PM..
I have been friends with this person for about 10 years. Prior to our friendship, my friend went through a very acrimonious divorce. Her ex-husband and I share the same ethnicity. My friend has a different background.
We grew closer and closer over the years. Eventually, her oldest daughter came of age and began to seriously date a young man who has the same ethnicity as the ex-husband. My friend was not pleased. She made objections about the young man based on his character, but also started to make mocking type of jokes about his ethnicity, the same ethnicity as her ex-husband and myself. Gradually, my friend's remarks went from small digs to outright nasty racial slurs. The ex-husband and his family were thrilled that the daughter was dating someone from their culture and they also seemed to like him as an individual.
My friend's daughter married this young man just a little over a year ago. My friend boycotted the wedding. The ex-husband paid for the wedding and the ceremony bascially conformed to the same culture that the ex-husband, groom, and I share. My friend claimed that it was going to be "foreign" and part of the ceremony would not be in English. Also, understandably, she felt uncomfortable attending since she did not get along with the ex-husband and his family. The only member of her family who attended was my friend's aunt, who shares the same views as my friend and did come back to report that it was a terrible wedding, she didn't understand what was going on and it was very bizarre and foreign. She also claimed that the bride was drunk before the ceremony, which doesn't sound right to me, knowing these people.
At first, I ignored the racial slurs that my friend made. She never made insulting remarks about any other race or ethnic group before. I figured that she was very angry because she felt rejected as if her daughter was taking sides, choosing the ex-husband over my friend. Maybe it isn't rational, but I can understand that my friend felt hurt that her own daughter was getting more and more involved in the customs of her enemy, her ex-husband and perhaps was marrying someone like her father.
Enoujgh became enough and I couldn't stand idly by while she insulted my culture and my race with increasingly venonmous diatribe. I never met the young man so I don't know if he is a good person or not or whether he will be a good husband or not. However, that has nothing to do with his racial background and my friend started to use that as a scapegoat to put down the entire culture. I finally told her off and now she is not speaking to me.
Was she always a bigot and these latent feelings are now coming out? Or is she just hurt by her daughter's choice and really doesn't mean the racial denunciations.
Well don't you ask her? This is also your fault, you let this build and build until you couldn't take it anymore and exploded.
Why didn't you speak up earlier? Say something like "you know Jane I' m also _______, so when you talk about those people, you're talking about me". And see how she responded.
You would have had your answer. It could very well be she sees a lot of the same qualities in this young man as she saw with her ex-husband. Was she abused by him? Do you even know?
She maybe has real concerns about her daughter's future because she sees too many similarities or she could very well be a bigot.
But you had ample opportunity to discuss this and have a reasonable conversation with her, instead you let it fester to what might be the point of no return.
I have been friends with this person for about 10 years. Prior to our friendship, my friend went through a very acrimonious divorce. Her ex-husband and I share the same ethnicity. My friend has a different background.
We grew closer and closer over the years. Eventually, her oldest daughter came of age and began to seriously date a young man who has the same ethnicity as the ex-husband. My friend was not pleased. She made objections about the young man based on his character, but also started to make mocking type of jokes about his ethnicity, the same ethnicity as her ex-husband and myself. Gradually, my friend's remarks went from small digs to outright nasty racial slurs. The ex-husband and his family were thrilled that the daughter was dating someone from their culture and they also seemed to like him as an individual.
My friend's daughter married this young man just a little over a year ago. My friend boycotted the wedding. The ex-husband paid for the wedding and the ceremony bascially conformed to the same culture that the ex-husband, groom, and I share. My friend claimed that it was going to be "foreign" and part of the ceremony would not be in English. Also, understandably, she felt uncomfortable attending since she did not get along with the ex-husband and his family. The only member of her family who attended was my friend's aunt, who shares the same views as my friend and did come back to report that it was a terrible wedding, she didn't understand what was going on and it was very bizarre and foreign. She also claimed that the bride was drunk before the ceremony, which doesn't sound right to me, knowing these people.
At first, I ignored the racial slurs that my friend made. She never made insulting remarks about any other race or ethnic group before. I figured that she was very angry because she felt rejected as if her daughter was taking sides, choosing the ex-husband over my friend. Maybe it isn't rational, but I can understand that my friend felt hurt that her own daughter was getting more and more involved in the customs of her enemy, her ex-husband and perhaps was marrying someone like her father.
Enoujgh became enough and I couldn't stand idly by while she insulted my culture and my race with increasingly venonmous diatribe. I never met the young man so I don't know if he is a good person or not or whether he will be a good husband or not. However, that has nothing to do with his racial background and my friend started to use that as a scapegoat to put down the entire culture. I finally told her off and now she is not speaking to me.
Was she always a bigot and these latent feelings are now coming out? Or is she just hurt by her daughter's choice and really doesn't mean the racial denunciations.
That's no friend of yours! That's for sure. I'm not surprised that she ditched you at the 1st sign of trouble.
Well don't you ask her? This is also your fault, you let this build and build until you couldn't take it anymore and exploded.
Why didn't you speak up earlier? Say something like "you know Jane I' m also _______, so when you talk about those people, you're talking about me". And see how she responded.
You would have had your answer. It could very well be she sees a lot of the same qualities in this young man as she saw with her ex-husband. Was she abused by him? Do you even know?
She maybe has real concerns about her daughter's future because she sees too many similarities or she could very well be a bigot.
But you had ample opportunity to discuss this and have a reasonable conversation with her, instead you let it fester to what might be the point of no return.
I didn't want to go into a play by play story with all the details. On several occassions, I did voice my displeasure at her remarks, but diplomatically. As I said in my initial post, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that her feelings were not really out of bigotry, but from resentment and anger from her marriage and relationship with her ex-husband. And it wasn't as if she made a slur every time that I saw her, nor does she make remarks about any other ethnic group. I don't really care that my friend is not talking to me. If she is truly a racist, then I don't want to be friends with her. I am just trying to determine as VanillaChocolate said whether she is making these remarks from the hurt she experienced from the ex (it was abusive) or if she always had these feelings. Despite the bad marriage and all of the angry and negative remarks she made about her ex-husband throughout the years, none of them were ethnic slurs until her daughter started to date this young man. My original thought was that she had ample opportunity during the first 8 years of our friendship to show bigotry when she was complaing about her ex-husband and his family, but she never did.
I didn't want to go into a play by play story with all the details. On several occassions, I did voice my displeasure at her remarks, but diplomatically. As I said in my initial post, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that her feelings were not really out of bigotry, but from resentment and anger from her marriage and relationship with her ex-husband. And it wasn't as if she made a slur every time that I saw her, nor does she make remarks about any other ethnic group. I don't really care that my friend is not talking to me. If she is truly a racist, then I don't want to be friends with her. I am just trying to determine as VanillaChocolate said whether she is making these remarks from the hurt she experienced from the ex (it was abusive) or if she always had these feelings. Despite the bad marriage and all of the angry and negative remarks she made about her ex-husband throughout the years, none of them were ethnic slurs until her daughter started to date this young man.
OK, but we're not mind readers on here. You never said in OP that you spoke to her on "several occasions", you should have mentioned that. From your OP you made it sound like you never said anything to her and than just exploded. If that isn't the case than include that.
That is not going into a play by play with all the details, that is pertinent information if you're asking for advice.
If in fact you have said to her a few times "hey I don't like you saying that about my culture" or "you do realize I am that culture and it offends me" or "do you hate all _______. or is this really just due to your ex-husband". And she still continued than do this, than you tell her goodbye.
At the very least she is being insensitive to you after you have expressed your feelings to her, which is bad enough, at the very worst she is a bigot.
Both are reason enough to cut ties.
She doesn't sound like a very nice person to begin with, we all have known people who have gone through nasty divorces, but when their child marries or gets in some type of trouble they put that aside for the sake of the adult child.
I didn't want to go into a play by play story with all the details. On several occassions, I did voice my displeasure at her remarks, but diplomatically. As I said in my initial post, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that her feelings were not really out of bigotry, but from resentment and anger from her marriage and relationship with her ex-husband. And it wasn't as if she made a slur every time that I saw her, nor does she make remarks about any other ethnic group. I don't really care that my friend is not talking to me. If she is truly a racist, then I don't want to be friends with her. I am just trying to determine as VanillaChocolate said whether she is making these remarks from the hurt she experienced from the ex (it was abusive) or if she always had these feelings. Despite the bad marriage and all of the angry and negative remarks she made about her ex-husband throughout the years, none of them were ethnic slurs until her daughter started to date this young man. My original thought was that she had ample opportunity during the first 8 years of our friendship to show bigotry when she was complaing about her ex-husband and his family, but she never did.
Even if she was making these remarks because of her ex, it's still not an excuse. And to look you in the face, and spout such venom, is disrespectful.
I think your friend is still deeply hurt from her divorce and was exposed to the wrong people while she was trying to heal. Anger is always the path of least resistance, so while still having an open wound her daughter appears to be abandoning her. The commonality isn't actually the race. I think it's her daughter leaving her in general that hurts, adding to the already unresolved emotions her fiance is welcomed by the Ex and his family. Her translation was probably a feeling of alienation that made race a reasonable venue towards understanding her pain/anger in a general sense. Then probably not with a comprehension of the path her anger and frustration took from being horribly guided on how she could explain things happening in her life you went off on her adding a 10 year friendship to her list of losses and pain and anger and alienation. The problem was you bottled it all up as well, convinced yourself it was a race thing and let it take the path of least resistance. Very human but never effective. When there's a storm in someones life caused by a flaw in their thinking the best thing you can do as a friend is to expose the flaw in love, the worst thing you can do is offer validity to it. If she is a racist it wouldn't have taken you 10 years to figure that out. You sound smart, so It can't be that. I think a 10 plus year friendship warrants all efforts especially humility in order to offer a new forum of reasoning and a healthy place for her to really vent and get her mind right with the proper guidance of a real friend or a real friend and a therapist. You should be the bigger person go back and help her to expose the flaw and the people with the same one.
I have been friends with this person for about 10 years. Prior to our friendship, my friend went through a very acrimonious divorce. Her ex-husband and I share the same ethnicity. My friend has a different background.
We grew closer and closer over the years. Eventually, her oldest daughter came of age and began to seriously date a young man who has the same ethnicity as the ex-husband. My friend was not pleased. She made objections about the young man based on his character, but also started to make mocking type of jokes about his ethnicity, the same ethnicity as her ex-husband and myself. Gradually, my friend's remarks went from small digs to outright nasty racial slurs. The ex-husband and his family were thrilled that the daughter was dating someone from their culture and they also seemed to like him as an individual.
My friend's daughter married this young man just a little over a year ago. My friend boycotted the wedding. The ex-husband paid for the wedding and the ceremony bascially conformed to the same culture that the ex-husband, groom, and I share. My friend claimed that it was going to be "foreign" and part of the ceremony would not be in English. Also, understandably, she felt uncomfortable attending since she did not get along with the ex-husband and his family. The only member of her family who attended was my friend's aunt, who shares the same views as my friend and did come back to report that it was a terrible wedding, she didn't understand what was going on and it was very bizarre and foreign. She also claimed that the bride was drunk before the ceremony, which doesn't sound right to me, knowing these people.
At first, I ignored the racial slurs that my friend made. She never made insulting remarks about any other race or ethnic group before. I figured that she was very angry because she felt rejected as if her daughter was taking sides, choosing the ex-husband over my friend. Maybe it isn't rational, but I can understand that my friend felt hurt that her own daughter was getting more and more involved in the customs of her enemy, her ex-husband and perhaps was marrying someone like her father.
Enoujgh became enough and I couldn't stand idly by while she insulted my culture and my race with increasingly venonmous diatribe. I never met the young man so I don't know if he is a good person or not or whether he will be a good husband or not. However, that has nothing to do with his racial background and my friend started to use that as a scapegoat to put down the entire culture. I finally told her off and now she is not speaking to me.
Was she always a bigot and these latent feelings are now coming out? Or is she just hurt by her daughter's choice and really doesn't mean the racial denunciations.
The short answer? Anyone who makes ethnic slurs is a bigot. So yes, your "friend" is a bigot.
I think you know this, and it must be a terrible discovery for you.
Was she always a bigot? It's hard to say.
It always seems to me that it is easier for North Americans to meet as friends of other races on the romantic and sexual level. I have personally known some people to be very attracted to people of other races and ethnicities, but to not like them as a group. Sexual attraction is powerful.
It's also not uncommon for people to attack the ethnic group of ex-spouses.
It could be that she was always a bigot, but that her animosity towards her ex-husband along with her loss of attraction to him, as spurred these comments.
My concern is for her daughter. If she dislikes half of the daughter's ethnic back ground and is saying these things to you and to her daughter, this is very damaging to her daughter's self esteem.
it must also be hurtful to you.
Why don't you confront her the next time she makes an offensive comment? Tell her how you feel and how these comments are effecting you - and her daughter.
I do not get the feeling that she is doing this completely unconsciously. My intuition tells me that her resentment towards her ex is giving her license to make these remarks.
I think she wants to see how far she can push it - without a response from you.
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