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I have a cousin exactly like your brother. She hasn't worked in years & voluntarily offers help to ailing relatives then guilt them into paying for her expenses. I would suggest sell the house & move your mom into an assisted living facility, paying the money from the house towards her care. Maybe give some money from the house to your brother & tell him to get a job & find a place of his own.
I don't see the need for any tough love here. Your brother is doing one of the toughest jobs there is, and deserves credit for doing so. If you are in a position to do so, pay the tax bill, and encourage them to sell the empty house, and use the money for their expenses.
^^^ this.
Imagine your brother would start working full time and move out. Are you willing to take your mom in? Clean up behind her? Sacrifice your personal life? Or put her in a nursing home? That's gonna be $$$.
Why do they keep the house? Time to sell it! I would give them the tax money if they promise to sell it asap.
I really haven't been involved in my parents care like I should have, but my brother was always there. They've been supporting him for the past 5 years. I figure I'm not in a position to judge, I haven't been as involved as I should have. I've told him I expect to inherit nothing, not a share of the house, nothing. He took care of them, it's all his.
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Mom seems to be in some stage of dementia - she doesn't remember much from one week to the next. She'll say she talked to her Dad, although he died in 1979. She also looks up suddenly and says 'I don't know where I am.'
Then he stayed in Michigan and was a very diligent caretaker. I'm 49 years old, and I didn't know some of this until recently. Both parents had long illnesses and my brother took them to every appointment, knew what medication they was prescribed, talked to the doctor, etc. When my Dad died, I couldn't get back in time, but my brother held Dad's hand as he died.
Your brother gave up years of his life to be a full time caregiver and apparently you were not actively involved. Shame on you.
Your Mom has dementia. Are you prepared to quit your job and care for her 24 hours a day seven days a week? Memory care facilities in my area start at $5,000 to $6,000 a month. Are you ready to be paying that out of your salary so that your mother has care?
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Imagine your brother would start working full time and move out. Are you willing to take your mom in? Clean up behind her? Sacrifice your personal life? Or put her in a nursing home? That's gonna be $$$.
Good questions.
I do agree that the house should be sold. Part of the problem is likely that it is extremely difficult to downsize when you are a full-time caregiver. It is also possible that your mother becomes disoriented or upset or angry when she returns to her old home so your brother has to hire someone to watch her if he wants to return to the house to downsize. (My husband has dementia and a traumatic brain injury and that is the problem that I am having. It is extremely difficult to downsize our condo & prepare it for sale and our new apartment is only 10 minutes away. It would be virtually impossible if I had to drive two hours to get there and two back while paying a caregiver to watch my spouse.)
OP, I suggest that you take a leave of absence from your job (I believe that if your job qualifies you can take up to 12 weeks unpaid time under FMLA) so that you can assist in your mother's care and help get the house ready for sale. I bet that you & your brother will be able to accomplish a lot in just a just a few weeks or maybe a month or two. One of you can stay with Mom while the other works on downsizing & making repairs, etc. on the house and then you switch off. If all of the work is not done, I am sure that you would be willing to pay for contractors and others so that the house can be sold.
Remember, she is your mother, too.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-19-2016 at 10:43 AM..
If it was my brother id make him stay with me in my place and make him clean the house all day everyday while i lounge around and work. He'll eventally get tired of cleaning after my dirty a s s and get a job and move out on his own. People these days! SHOW THEM THE TOUGH LOVE!!
Are you absolutely sure the house is free and clear? If either parent has used Medicaid or if there are any unpaid medical bills it is possible the house has a lean on it. If the house is sold, all the proceeds could end up going toward paying back Medicaid or for other outstanding medical bills.
I think the next time he asks for money, you tell him that it's time to sell the house, but you've already "given" him a lot of money, by giving him half of your inheritance in the house. And stick to that story and don't let him try and weasel more than that out of you, plus his paid caregiver gig.
I agree, but don't wait for 'next time'. Tell him now. Tell him he can choose: Move back to the house or sell it. And then offer to come home to help with whichever project he picks (Daunting choices). Because I seriously doubt he is up to either task. You are going to have to help him engineer it.
If your mom has dementia, selling the house is the best plan. Moving back would confuse her further. And cause more work for your brother in taking care of it.
She may soon need to be in a facility, which will leave your brother home alone. He would likely want to be close to her facility, which is more likely to be near the apartment than the house in the country.
You are very blessed that he has been able to care for her!
Is the house in livable condition? If taxes haven't been paid, what else has been neglected? Is it saleable? How much repair needs donevto sell it... how much is it appraised for as is? Would a reverse mortgage with your Mother & brother living in it be a better way to go? Is this house an asset or a financial drain? Either they should live in it, or it needs be sold. They can not afford things the way they are.
Your say your Mother has dementia, so she needs round the clock care. And you have not been helping with major monthly cash to offset your brother's hours.... So toughlove not, you are a JERK!!!!
If your brother did work outside the home, a person or two would have to be hired to be with your Mother in the home (at a min of $20/hour). The proceeds from house sale could be utilized for this help. Even if your brother does not get another job, he needs paid help to come in so he can have time away each day.
The household needs an infusion of money. I would sell the house and use proceeds until gone. You should volunteer to take complete care of that entire project.
Pay the back taxes, and stipulate that the house be sold. Or rent it out. If you can't live there, why own it and owe taxes? It makes no sense.
Whose name is on the title? I hope brother has POA.
You need to be involved more in the situation though.
No, the brother shouldn't have POA, the OP should get it. The brother looks like he's sitting around waiting for mom's money to fall on him, that's why he hasn't looked for a job. He'd burn through that money from the home sale if he had POA, without any regard to his mom's future needs. She might require skilled home health care in the future, or a nursing home, and both those options are extremely expensive. The OP should get POA, sell the house, and put it in an investment account of some sort for their mom, for when her condition deteriorates further, and the brother could find himself in over his head with her care, not having a medical background of any kind.
I don't see the need for any tough love here. Your brother is doing one of the toughest jobs there is, and deserves credit for doing so. If you are in a position to do so, pay the tax bill, and encourage them to sell the empty house, and use the money for their expenses.
I also agree with Mattie. My wife and I just went through this, and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And to the poster who said (seain, I think it was you) your brother already has a full time job taking care of your mother-correct. He has two-full time jobs taking care of her!
In the last year of my father-in-law's life, we had to sleep in shifts to care for him, so it may end up the same for your brother. I'd lighten up on him, and appreciate the fact that he is there to do this most tedious and debilitating thing for your family.
I also agree with Mattie. My wife and I just went through this, and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And to the poster who said (seain, I think it was you) your brother already has a full time job taking care of your mother-correct. He has two-full time jobs taking care of her!
In the last year of my father-in-law's life, we had to sleep in shifts to care for him, so it may end up the same for your brother. I'd lighten up on him, and appreciate the fact that he is there to do this most tedious and debilitating thing for your family.
Unfortunately many times unless people have done caregiving they don't have a clue as to what is involved.
Very ignorant to think someone is getting free room and board for what can be a 24/7 job. No weekends and holidays off.
Even if the brother did get a job, someone would have to be hired to stay with the mother while he worked, that could easily end up costing more than what the brother would be earning.
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