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Currently my brother (age 54) rents an apartment with my mother (age 84). He's been unemployed for about 5 years, and is paying the rent with Mom's retirement income. My Dad died about 2 years ago. They live outside of Detroit and I live in California.
They live in an apartment despite the fact our parent's house is 2 hours away, and no one is in it. It's in a rural area, and my brother has said there are no jobs in the area for him.
It's a long story, but I live in California and have never been unemployed for more than about 3 months. I send money, visit when I can and try to be supportive. I really haven't been involved in my parents care like I should have, but my brother was always there. They've been supporting him for the past 5 years. I figure I'm not in a position to judge, I haven't been as involved as I should have. I've told him I expect to inherit nothing, not a share of the house, nothing. He took care of them, it's all his.
Yesterday my brother called to say he got a tax bill for our parent's house, could I help out? Also, there's a problem with Mom's benefits, could I help with March rent?
He emailed the tax bill and it's for $2,200 in unpaid taxes. We pay by March 1st or the house is forfeit. No one has paid anything for the house in 2 years.
I emailed him back I could put $2,200 on a credit card to keep the house. But paying taxes on an empty house and pay someone's rent who isn't working? Just move back to the house. The mortgage was paid off years ago. We'll need to get it all turned on again, but then there's no rent. I've suggested to my brother he's been job hunting for 5 years with no luck - time to re-think your life strategy, bro.
I've sent money to my brother several times, and I've tried to be supportive. But it feels like he's making bad decisions and is going to make himself (and possibly our Mom) homeless as he burns through money and neglects important decisions.
Mom seems to be in some stage of dementia - she doesn't remember much from one week to the next. She'll say she talked to her Dad, although he died in 1979. She also looks up suddenly and says 'I don't know where I am.'
I feel guilty because my parents paid for my college and so I've always worked hard and paid my own way. I thought they had offered to pay for my brother's college, but he says they didn't. Then he stayed in Michigan and was a very diligent caretaker. I'm 49 years old, and I didn't know some of this until recently. Both parents had long illnesses and my brother took them to every appointment, knew what medication they was prescribed, talked to the doctor, etc. When my Dad died, I couldn't get back in time, but my brother held Dad's hand as he died.
I also currently work from home - in a great community in Southern California. I feel guilty I haven't just moved back, but I love where I currently live. Plus, that doesn't change the financial situation.
Am I the jerk who just criticizes without helping? A voice of fiscal reason?
I think your perception is completely wrong, and your brother is taking advantage of it.
Your brother is being compensated for taking care of your parents. They are/have been paying his rent, and you have given him permission to sell their house and keep the proceeds, including your half, which I'm imagining is a sizable amount of money.
Asking you to also support him is out of line. In my opinion.
It's time for him to sell that house or do a reverse mortgage on it. And when your mother's money runs out, and the house money runs out, then you could consider helping to pay for an assisted living facility for your mother. But, your brother then has to get a job and pay his own way. Heck, he could probably get a job as a caregiver.
But, your brother has not just done these things out of the goodness of his heart, if he's living on your parents' income. He's been a paid caregiver. And you're absolutely right that he could move into a rent-free house and have more disposable money.
I think the next time he asks for money, you tell him that it's time to sell the house, but you've already "given" him a lot of money, by giving him half of your inheritance in the house. And stick to that story and don't let him try and weasel more than that out of you, plus his paid caregiver gig.
Is there no mortgage on the house? if so, it would be silly to lose it over a tax bill. I'd pay up, after having a contract drawn up by an attorney to make certain the money was returned when the house was sold. Which should be the next step.
Your mom's house is paid for and it's just sitting there- empty? And no taxes or upkeep are being paid. Good grief- get your brother into gear. The house needs to be lived in- either by your mom & brother or by tenants. Or it needs to be sold.
If you have the money to pay the taxes to keep it from going into a tax sale, then I would do so. A paid for house is too much money to throw away.
Perhaps you could take some vacation time and come back to see your mom & brother for a couple of weeks. Get mom to a doctor and see what is going on with her. Sit down with an attorney and get a set of end of life paperwork for her. Living will, a will, POA , health care directive, advance appointment of conservator, etc.
Your brother seems to be financially clueless. He may not be working because he is lazy or he may not be working because your mom really does need around the clock care. However, to have a house as an asset that is not making any money for them is just ridiculous.
I think you really need some legal and medical advice here on what to do with your mom and how to preserve her assets ( the house) for as long as possible. She is going to need that money. Dementia never gets better- it only progresses to worse and worse. Eventually mom will need skilled nursing care.
Why aren't your mother and your brother living in the house? It appears that it doesn't matter that there are no jobs as he isn't working anyway (is he?) - he is taking advantage. Whose name is the house in? Is there a will, etc. - there are too many unanswered questions.
Currently my brother (age 54) rents an apartment with my mother (age 84). He's been unemployed for about 5 years, and is paying the rent with Mom's retirement income. My Dad died about 2 years ago. They live outside of Detroit and I live in California.
They live in an apartment despite the fact our parent's house is 2 hours away, and no one is in it. It's in a rural area, and my brother has said there are no jobs in the area for him.
It's a long story, but I live in California and have never been unemployed for more than about 3 months. I send money, visit when I can and try to be supportive. I really haven't been involved in my parents care like I should have, but my brother was always there. They've been supporting him for the past 5 years. I figure I'm not in a position to judge, I haven't been as involved as I should have. I've told him I expect to inherit nothing, not a share of the house, nothing. He took care of them, it's all his.
Yesterday my brother called to say he got a tax bill for our parent's house, could I help out? Also, there's a problem with Mom's benefits, could I help with March rent?
He emailed the tax bill and it's for $2,200 in unpaid taxes. We pay by March 1st or the house is forfeit. No one has paid anything for the house in 2 years.
I emailed him back I could put $2,200 on a credit card to keep the house. But paying taxes on an empty house and pay someone's rent who isn't working? Just move back to the house. The mortgage was paid off years ago. We'll need to get it all turned on again, but then there's no rent. I've suggested to my brother he's been job hunting for 5 years with no luck - time to re-think your life strategy, bro.
I've sent money to my brother several times, and I've tried to be supportive. But it feels like he's making bad decisions and is going to make himself (and possibly our Mom) homeless as he burns through money and neglects important decisions.
Mom seems to be in some stage of dementia - she doesn't remember much from one week to the next. She'll say she talked to her Dad, although he died in 1979. She also looks up suddenly and says 'I don't know where I am.'
I feel guilty because my parents paid for my college and so I've always worked hard and paid my own way. I thought they had offered to pay for my brother's college, but he says they didn't. Then he stayed in Michigan and was a very diligent caretaker. I'm 49 years old, and I didn't know some of this until recently. Both parents had long illnesses and my brother took them to every appointment, knew what medication they was prescribed, talked to the doctor, etc. When my Dad died, I couldn't get back in time, but my brother held Dad's hand as he died.
I also currently work from home - in a great community in Southern California. I feel guilty I haven't just moved back, but I love where I currently live. Plus, that doesn't change the financial situation.
Am I the jerk who just criticizes without helping? A voice of fiscal reason?
Doesn't make sense that they're in apt when there is a perfectly good house that they could live in.
You do admit that you have been "hands off" and all care of your parents fell on your brother.
Your brother played an important role, he wasn't living rent free.
There probably wouldn't even be a house or any money left over, if both your parents were in a NH you're looking at easily $10K a month.
As anyone who has done long term caregiving of a loved one knows, it's the hardest job ever. It's 24/7, 7 days a week. They more than earn that free rent and board.
You don't have to move back, but you could certainly visit and if need be take FMLA for a month. It's kind of hard to really figure out a situation when you're 2,000 miles away.
And while that is nice that you say your brother can have the house and you don't want anything(which under these circumstances is fair), unless that is in writing in a trust it means nothing.
I disagree that the brother is/was taking advantage of OP. the same could be said for her - she left the care of her parents entirely to him. For anyone who hasn't dealt with a dying parent, an aging parent, and a parent deteriorating mentally - you have no idea how much time and effort and money you need to put into this.
OP - this isn't a question of you feeling guilty. I think that with a parent who is deteriorating and a brother who sounds like he isn't all there, you have a responsibility to at least understand what is going on. If i were you, i would call social services and set up a series of appointments . your mother , and probably your brother, need to be evaluated (medically, psychologically). you need to take a look at your mother's finances. you need to understand what is going on with your brother. you need to talk to a realtor about the house - maybe it is a better idea to sell it and use the proceeds to buy your mom and brother a smaller place in the city. If your brother really cannot work, maybe he is entitiled to SSI. or maybe someone can help him get a job.
Why aren't your mother and your brother living in the house? It appears that it doesn't matter that there are no jobs as he isn't working anyway (is he?) - he is taking advantage. Whose name is the house in? Is there a will, etc. - there are too many unanswered questions.
They aren't living there because my brother doesn't want to. I think he's in denial - he was a Job Recruiter, and our father was in Human Resources. Dad and brother were very close, and Dad had no sympathy for the unemployed - they were all lazy. Brother is always telling me employment picture is getting better, he sent out more resumes, he has new interviews. I finally told him he's been saying that 5 years and he's unemployed. For him it's galling and humiliating.
He and I are both single and childless. That's what I always wanted, but he always said he wanted a family. I think moving back into our childhood home feels like he got nothing for his 54 years. He has a godson and a great-godson that he live nearby, which is another reason.
Yep, Seain Dublin and Shira_K, my brother did an incredibly hard job. And I let him do it. I've told him I'm willing to go to an attorney to amend the inheritance in writing.
That's good advice, Shira_k.
My brother, in his heart, is a very ethical and responsible person. When it comes to these long term things like fiscal planning, he just drags his feet. He finally did get POA over our Dad, just in time to turn his life support off.
I would definitely pay to keep the house, but I would also expect to be repayed upon the sale of said house. Or to have a share in it.
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