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Hello, Happy Sunday to everyone. Hope everyone has a great weekend, enjoy Sunday evening/night with your family and loves one.
I'm sorry, LONGG post ahead.. I know everyone time is precious, so please just skip it if you don't have a few minutes to spare. I'm sorry, I know my post is so long; I don't expect anyone to make it reading to the end.
And I apologize for my not so perfect English grammars. English is not my first language (Chinese and Vietnamese is my two native languages).
I will start with my husband cleaning habits and his habits in general. Then I'll talk about his background and how his mom raised him. I'm trying to make sense if his habits is normal or not? Perhaps it normal considering based on how he was raised?
--- He very caring and very protective of me, perhaps too over-protective?
He carry everything for me, carry all my groceries.. He doesn't let me carried laundry, or carried a bag of grocery. He just won't let me carried anything heavy, at all.
He doesn't even let me climb on a chair to change the dead lightbulb on top of the ceiling, he thinks I'm gonna fall.. He said if the ceiling lightbulb dead when he not home, use the table Lamp instead. Wait he get home from work, and he'll change it for me.
I'm only 4'11" petite short height, maybe this is why he thinks I'm gonna fall if climb up on a tall chair reaching up to the ceiling?
--- I have the tendency to leave clothes all over the carpet, throw random things on the floor, leave my jeans my purse on the carpet. Bad habit died-hard, I need to work on this.
When I throw things around the house, leaving things on the floor; my husband always pick it up for me. He pick up my jeans purse my clothes, pick up anything I leave on the carpet and put it back into place for me. He is a neat-freak. I'm not.
--- Sometimes I forget and leave the refrigerator door open; he knows this so everytime before we go to sleep, he always check the refrigerator door. And check the kitchen, make sure all water are shut tight so there no dripping faucet.
He also check the bathrooms make sure there no water leak, check the backyard make sure the backyard door is close. He knows I'm clumsy, lol
--- Last time I accidently dropped soda cans, and it exploded all over the kitchen.
Being multi-tasking that I am, I try carried 4 Coca-Cola cans in one hand.. I dropped all 4 cans, it exploded. It spills, fizz and splashed all over the kitchen floor.
He didn't get mad, he said let him clean it up. He doesn't want me to slip and fall, so he said I go watch TV in the living room, and he clean up the kitchen.
The other day I dropped a big glass cup in the kitchen. Oh man, the glass break into many pieces big and small, and the tiny pieces glass shattered all over the kitchen floor.
I guess he knows he married a clumsy wife, lol
He didn't get mad, he said he does not want me to touch the broken glass pieces. Let him pick it up and clean it all up. He a neat-freak and clean-freak, it took some time to clean up all the tiny broken glass pieces since it shattered all over the kitchen.. He won't let me help him, he doesn't let me touch the broken glass at all.
--- He have an obsession with love cut his nail really short, like really short short. He often cuts his nails, he likes his nails really really short.
Everytime he cuts his nails, he always have a small trash can next to him where he clips his nails in.. He doesn't want it to get on the carpet or the floor, that how much he wants the carpet/floor to stay clean.
Not only he wants to make sure the carpet stay clean. He wants cleanness and neatness in everything.. He Never throw or leave his clothes around the house. He always keep the toilet and restroom clean, he clean up his shaving very well.
And the kitchen appliances, stoves and ovens are always very very clean. He wipes and clean all the cooking oil splatters and stains; he just got to make sure it look super clean.
After we eat dinner, I wash dishes, he cleans the kitchen. And when after I done wash the dishes, he wipes all the water spots. And he always check and make sure there no water leakage.
--- Eversince I married him, all I have to do is cook and wash dishes. And be his wife.
He do cleaning around the house, and do maintenance. He the one that voluntary do all the vacuum, and bathroom cleaning.
He the one that clean the bathroom. He wants to clean the toilet and restroom 'his' ways.
He the one that voluntary do laundry. He won't let me carry heavy laundry.
He work a full time and a part time job. So he only have half a day off on the weekend.. I want him to get more sleep, so I said let me do laundry on weekend, BUT he won't let me.
He said let him do it, he does not want to see me carry heavy laundry. He just want me to fold clothes and put in the drawers, and hang clothes up in the closet.
He do all these above out of his own willing. I never ask him to do anything for me.
Never once I heard him complain a word. Seem like he enjoy doing these things, it make him happy that he doing all these things for his family/love ones.
Yes, I know I married him. I married him, so I married his habits too. If he wants to be the one that do cleaning around the house, then I let him do it "his" ways so he can be happy..
BUT it just so different from my culture--the culture that I grow up with. In my Chinese/Vietnamese culture, it is the woman/the wife do all the housework and all the cleaning, and cater her husband needs. Not the other way around.
Now to his childhood background, I don't know if this was why grow up he is the way he is? I'm trying to make sense if his habits above is due to because how he was raised?
I can't reason why he is the way he is, or why he do the things he do. The only reasoning is because he was raised by two women. His dad deceased when he was little, so he was raised by his Mom and his older sister. Perhaps naturally he just a guy that like to be protective of his family and love ones.
BUT it probably has something to do with how his mother raised him, what she taught him while he growing up. He was raised in a matriarchal household.
I do talk to my mother in-law. And she said she didn't spoiled him, it doesn't matter that he is the only son. MIL said since he little she taught him to do exactly what mom and older sister do.. His older sister do house-chores, laundry, wash dishes, cleaning. He do the exact same thing, he do house-chores, cleaning, wash dishes and do laundry just like what his sister does.
When his mom cook; he watch her cook, so he can learn how to cook from her. Both him and his older sister take turn do laundry and cooking, they both help with doing housework.
MIL did said that she teach him to be independent and rely on himself to get the work done..
She doesn't want her son to grow up don't know how to do housework--sitting around and wait for his SO/wife to do everything for him.. She wants him to grow up up know how to do his own laundry, cleans and know how to cook for himself. Know how to do it yourself, don't rely on others do it for you.
MIL said a man doesn't just sit there and expect his mama, SO/wife do everything for him.. He is a 'man' that does not give him an excuse not to do housework. He is the 'breadwinner' that does not give him a free pass not to help out his wife with housework.
She birth him, she raised him by "her" rules. Ever since little, she taught him to be independent and self-reliance, and be responsible.
My husband he from West Africa.. At first I thought it was related to his culture, but it not. Because clearly West Africa culture is a very patriarchal culture.
BUT then he grow up in a matriarchal household because his dad died when he was little, he grow up with an absent of father.. It his mother that is the Head of the household, and she raised by "her" rules. I guess that make him growing up in in matriarchal culture?
Anyways, I think my MIL sure is a one strong woman. Alone raised him and his older sister, raised her children grow up to be good person. She might had been strict to him, never spoiled him. But for sure she is a good mother.. I have alot to learn from my MIL.
But is my husband habits normal? Like does it make any sense why he do the things he do? Perhaps it due to how his mom raised him?
Anyone here have a DH who have a smiliar background, or if your DH is also raised in a matriarchal household. Can you share your experience? Or help give advice in what would you in my situation?
I shouldn't keeps give him a hard time right? If he wants to be the one that clean and do housework then I should let him do it "his" ways so he can be happy right?
Your husband is treating you like a child, because you are acting like one. Why can't you clean up while he's working his two jobs? Why do you throw your things around the house and leave them there?
Your husband sounds OCD, and maybe cleaning is his way of relaxing, but I don't understand why you don't want to be an equal partner in your marriage.
Your husband is treating you like a child, because you are acting like one. Why can't you clean up while he's working his two jobs? Why do you throw your things around the house and leave them there?
Your husband sounds OCD, and maybe cleaning is his way of relaxing, but I don't understand why you don't want to be an equal partner in your marriage.
Even young children remember to close the refrigerator door.
OP, you should be picking up your things from the floor and not expecting your husband to do all of the work around the house. Sheesh! Adults pick up their own things from the floor.
Are you working fulltime, too? Even if you are working 40 hours a week, you should still be able to do the cleaning when your husband is at his second job. Maybe, your husband will still vacuum and clean, but it should only take a brief time because it will be almost perfectly clean when he starts.
Now, instead of carrying heavy laundry baskets can you make two trips? Or roll the baskets on a cart? Do the laundry after you get off of work but before your husband gets home from his second job.
Perhaps your husband is worried about you carrying heavy things because you reported that you drop so many things.
Since you are very short I can see that your husband may be concerned about you standing on a chair and reaching up to change light bulbs. That is the only thing that I sort of agree with.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-21-2016 at 06:02 PM..
Even young children remember to close the refrigerator door.
OP, you should be picking up your things from the floor and not expecting your husband to do all of the work around the house. Sheesh! Adults pick up their own things from the floor.
Are you working fulltime, too? Even if you are working 40 hours a week, you should still be able to do the cleaning when your husband is at his second job. Maybe, your husband will still vacuum and clean, but it should only take a brief time because it will be almost perfectly clean when he starts.
Now, instead of carrying heavy laundry baskets can you make two trips? Or roll the baskets on a cart? Do the laundry after you get off of work but before your husband gets home from his second job.
Perhaps your husband is worried about you carrying heavy things because you reported that you drop so many things.
Since you are very short I can see that your husband may be concerned about you standing on a chair and reaching up to change light bulbs. That is the only thing that I sort of agree with.
I agree with this. Your husband doesn't sound like OCD or a neat freak. He sounds like a normal person who wants a clean and safe and neat home. I don't understand what's wrong with that. If I spill something, I also clean it up right away. I leave my bathroom clean. When I finish working in the kitchen, I wipe down the counter and wipe the stove top if need be. I check that the door is locked before I go to sleep and if I lived with someone who is in the habit of leaving a gate unlocked or the fridge door open I would check those too. I'm not the neatest person in the world but I do prefer to have a neat clean home over a mess.
He may be a bit of a neat freak, but more so, you are the other extreme. Leaving the refrigerator door open and leaving stuff all over the floor are things kids do, not grown ups. Not only is he keeping up his own neat habits, but picking up the slack for you. Clean up after yourself so he doesn't have to.
I had a dysfunctional childhood, my mother was abusive. She always belittle me, she very critical and very controlling. She verbally and emotionally abuse me. She also physically beaten me once when I was 12, that resulted in me got taken to Foster Home for few years before I got return back home.
For Chinese and Vietnamese, having parents who are critical and controlling is common. There still plenty of critical and controlling parents in China and Vietnam.
Anyways, I left my abusive mother home when I was 18, I been on my own eversince. I myself do my own laundry, I myself cook. I'm 31 this year, I'm more than acapable of do housework.
Before I met my husband. I live alone with a little poodle. I do housework by myself fine. I just have the tendency s to leave things all over the carpet, bad habit I know.
I met my husband when I was 26, married him when I was 30. We live together prior to marriage, married was to make it official. He was the one that keen on get married. Anyways, we got married 1 year ago.
And he is the one that want to do housework. To him he thinks things like laundry, vacuum, clean toilet/bathroom, take out trash is the "man" job.
We live together before marriage, I do know his habits. He always been like this.
When we got married, he said he just want me to be his wife. Help cook him dinner so he can have food to eat when he back from work. And help wash dishes.
The rest of the housework stuff, he said he do.
Him carry heavy things for me it nothing new, he do this since day one.
Back when we first met, he already help carried my laundry, carried my supermarket bags.
Here where we live prone to earthquakes. He use stupid excuses to see me more like he wants to carry those 5 gallons big water bottles to my apartment, to make sure have water for emergency use. He also help fix my car, he carry all heavy stuff for me.. He protective of me back then, he still protective of me now; he hasn't change.
I guess it his nature that he likes being protective of his family and love ones? He protective of his mom and his older sister too.
I don't often leave refrigerator door open. It just sometimes. Sometimes I forget and I leave it open. He knows about this, that is why before we sleep, he always check to make sure the refrigerator door is close.
He check the fridge door once before we headed to bed. He not repeating it. I guess he just wantto be extra safe.
Leave fridge door open all night is bad bad, all the frozen meat will just melt.
I don't often drop things. That the first time I drop a glass cup. And first time I drop 4 soda cans because I try carry all 4 soda cans in one hand.
I don't know where the assumption that I "always" drop things, and "always" leave the refridgerator door open. This is NOT true.
I know I need to work on my bad habit; the habit of throw clothes all over the carpet, leaving random things on the floor and carpet. I did pick it up, but then I throw it again. I dunno, bad habit died-hard. I'm working on fix this habit of mine.
Oh man, like yesterday the bedroom had like 10 random things I throw around laying on the carpet. I need to learn to pick it up all; because when he home from work and saw this, he just quietly pick it up and put it back in place for me. He never criticize me.
NEVER once he raise his voice on me, let alone call me mean names or use bad words to call me.
The meanest word he call me is "Silly".. Well, I do say silly things in front of him. But him call me silly is not that mean compared to ALL the other words out there he could have call me. Other ladies tell me there men out there who call their woman a B-word and even a C-word.
I'm fortunate to have a husband that only call me silly, and that the meanest word he use. He NEVER call me dumb or stupid, let alone call me a B-word or C-word.
He not bully me or anything. He treats me really well.
He ridiculously patience. I constantly test his love and patience, but he always remain patience, and patience, too patience.
Thanks to him, I live a comfy life without much to worried.
He work hard to secure our future. To make sure we always be in a comfortable fiancial position, make sure we have extra money in saving.. He work hard so I can live a comfy life without have to worried about financial.
He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.
He not perfect, no man is. He has his clean-freak, neat-freak, 'his' way of cleaning habits. But he is an aweomse husband. I'm thankful, and I feel blessed to have him in my life.
Thank you for give me advice. I will start to help vacuum when he at work. And stop throwing things and leave things all over the carpet. That's a start. Thank you for all the advice.
Laundry is not heavy if you do it more often. He's away, just do a little bit at a time and show him you are more than capable.
As for him being a neat freak, it's nothing too out of the ordinary - other than doing all the cleaning himself. Nail clippings in a garbage bin instead of all over the floor is NORMAL. Picking things up off the floor is NORMAL. Nothing to do with who raised you, but how you were raised (to be thorough) - again normal, hopefully for most.
Pick up after yourself and change your ways and maybe it'll lead to his letting you do more on your own. You have to show him. Dropping things all the time is not helping. You took the time to write all this so this is an issue you're concerned with - take more time to right the wrongs on your side first.
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