Husband grow up in a matriarchal household. And his cleaning habits. If it make sense based on how he was raised?

[AfternoonCoffee]

You seem to keep getting really stuck on minor random comments and minute details--both in your relationship and on this thread...it's a little odd.

About joint accounts: I think it was suggested you should open one for y'all's savings--for the house you want to buy, for the extra $100s he gives you that you don't want and just sit in a wallet in the house. I think it would be a good thing for y'all to have a joint savings account in addition to your own existing accounts.

Secondly, instead of focusing on all these details, I suggest you try this: For the rest of the week be very observant of your home: look for little things you can pick up/clean up as you go, simply putting a few things back in their place. After you tidy up after yourself, observe what your husband's chore priorities are and focus on those. Kitchen? Made bed? Tidy closet? Tidy living room? He will appreciate that you appreciate him.

Can you state again--simply--what it is you're looking for here?

[Kibbiekat]

Your posts are too long.

You came here asking if he is controlling. Now that some people said maybe he is, you are defending all of his actions. What is the problem? Maybe he is just a very caring man who likes a clean house.

Your money is your business but I never think it's a good sign when a married couple doesn't have a joint account.

[Nlambert]

Originally Posted by AfternoonCoffee

You seem to keep getting really stuck on minor random comments and minute details--both in your relationship and on this thread...it's a little odd.

About joint accounts: I think it was suggested you should open one for y'all's savings--for the house you want to buy, for the extra $100s he gives you that you don't want and just sit in a wallet in the house. I think it would be a good thing for y'all to have a joint savings account in addition to your own existing accounts.

Secondly, instead of focusing on all these details, I suggest you try this: For the rest of the week be very observant of your home: look for little things you can pick up/clean up as you go, simply putting a few things back in their place. After you tidy up after yourself, observe what your husband's chore priorities are and focus on those. Kitchen? Made bed? Tidy closet? Tidy living room? He will appreciate that you appreciate him.

Can you state again--simply--what it is you're looking for here?

THIS. Apparently I struck a nerve. I don't mean any of this in a negative way. It's stating observations that I've made as an outsider when reading your other posts.


OP, my point was simply that in all your comments it appears that you keep focusing on you. YOU want this.... YOU demand that... etc. YOU don't close the refrigerator doors. YOU leave a mess all over the floor.... etc...


The bank accounts were just something that stood out to me. I don't personally care how you all set up your finances, and it really doesn't matter. Was merely an observation I drew from reading the other posts. It's great that he gives you money. My point was merely that a lot of your posts just talk about you, your wants, needs, and demands, and then you mention that you want your money kept separate and that he gives you money. It really does stick out that it's all about you. That may not be your intention in any way, but it comes across to me like that. Coming from the perspective of being a husband, that is a red flag to me.


The post above is a good idea. If you plan on buying a house together, how will you do it if you don't buy it jointly? Put all that extra savings into a joint account to be used to buy that house. Do you intend on signing the deed together, or just having one of your names on it? If it's together, then the point of not having your finances mixed is a mute point.


Now, in fairness you did mention that he wants to do a lot of things for you. That is the sign of a good husband. But it seems that you might be more demanding that you realize and maybe in passive ways.


You mentioned that you are clumsy, and that he always sees you doing one thing, and then he takes it over to do it for you. It also appears (in my opinion) from reading through the thread that you are making excuses to have him do things for you. It appears that you have set his expectations in such a manner as he feels like he has to do these things because he doesn't think you can. Refer to my earlier post about creating habits in other people.


If you know you're clumsy, work to change that habit. It's not a good excuse for an adult not to do things like wipe the water off the counter, close the refrigerator doors, or pick up after yourself. Those are things that you teach children to do. Adults should already be responsible enough to know that this needs to be done.


If you know he is going to try to do everything for you, don't wait for him to get home to see you do it and give him the opportunity to do everything. Surprise him and do it yourself. You'll gain independence and take some of the weight off of his shoulders.

[Kibbiekat]

Why do you insist on separate accounts? Do you pay half the rent and utilities out if yours?

No one puts down 50% on a house. It isn't realistic.

[elhelmete]

Originally Posted by ishe

Thank you for all the replies give me advice. Whether it negative or positive, I appreciate it all.

MORE OF THE SAME AD NAUSEUM


I been thinking of tell him to quit the weekend part time job, he really need more sleep.
He make 65K in his full time job anyways, he not dirt poor. I know he work the second job is ALL because of me.

How much cleaning could you have done in the time it took to write this screed?

[PanthersPanthers]

It sounds like you and your husband have an odd dynamic going on. You seem to need more "upkeep" than the average wife...no one should be leaving the fridge door open. Even toddlers know better. On the flip side, your husband seems very controlling. It seems like the perfect fit---you need to be babied, and he needs someone to baby. Except neither one of you seems happy with the arrangement.

The cleaning sounds like an aspect of his controlling personality. Honestly, I'd welcome that (ha!) On the other hand, he shouldn't be laying out choices for you and telling you to choose one. You can come up with your own choices, thankyouverymuch!

I think couples counseling is in order to sort out your dysfunctional relationship. And please don't have kids unless you want them. Sometimes people have babies thinking it will "save" their marriage, and it never works. NEVER. Kids add even more problems to the pile. It just adds a 3rd party to the dysfunction. Don't do that to a baby.

[oh-eve]

Get a step stool and instead of writing novels here, put on some cleaning gloves and get busy.


Surprise your hubby with a clean home when he returns from work.

[PanthersPanthers]

Also, I don't understand why your husband is working a part-time 2nd job. If he stops giving you $1200+ per month (that you don't seem to want or need), he could easily eliminate the 2nd job with no noticeable impact on the quality of your life. Sounds like you two should be spending more time together, and it makes me wonder if the 2nd job is his way to escape his unhappy marriage.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by ishe

Few things I want to clarify. I didn't come to this thread ask for financial advice. How me and my husband handle financial that is between me and him. Just like how you and your wife/husband deal with financial is between you and your spouse.

I answer this financial question in my previous threads way back since last year already. But I answer it here again.

My husband make 4x more than me, and he give me money every time he get pays. It because I refused to have join financial with him. We have separate financial accounts. I don't touch his money in his bank accounts.
Don't worry, his 4x more income I have no access to it.

NO WHERE in my post I said me and my husband have any joint accounts at all. Please don't make assumption.

All I said in my post is he give me money everytime he get pays, and I put those money in a saving account. Because I don't use it, I tell him many times don't give me money. But he insist, so I tell him I put it in a saving account. He can have it back anytime.
He thinks I'm silly, and he said he never going to take it back. He give it to me so it my money, he said I can spend it however I like it, go buy anything I want.

Let make this clear alright.
1) I work. I have an income. I don't rely on him for money. He want me to be well taken care of, he give me spending money, I'm grateful. But I told him I don't need it.
2) He insist on give me money. He leave the money in the wallet at home for me. It add up fast because he get pays 6 times a month, and every time he bring back money for me.
The money he give me is all in the saving. I didn't use it at all. He can have it back any time he wants.

Listen. When me and my husband got married. I make it very clear insisting on keep 'Separate' financial after marriage, separate Saving/Checking accounts.. My husband make 4x more income than me, so 'the husband' clearly is the favor/beneficial from me want to keep financial separate.
I'm the one that keep on insist on keep separate financial. Frankly, he didn't have much of a choice, what can he do when his wife keep insisting on separate bank accounts?

He always bank with Chase. I always bank with Wells Fargo. We both have our own Checking/Saving accounts there, and I insist on continue keep it like that after marriage.. NEVER once we had fights or arguments over money, there nothing to be argue about. Eventhough we have separate accounts, we completely financial transparency with each others. It work for us.

Because I refused to have joint account with him.
I guess this is why he try to make it up for me. This is why he give me money every time he get pay. Or perhaps he feel bad for me because he knows my job is minimum wage, and he make 4x more.
I have no access to his bank accounts. His Saving money is just under his name only, we don't joint it.
Let me tell you this alright. His saving accounts have MUCH MUCH MUCH more money than mine. He clearly is the favor/beneficial from me want to keep financial separate.

It me insist on keep financial separate. He respect my decission. He wants me to help him watch out his financial, he wants me to the one that do checkbook balance, keep track of money for me.
I do what he asked, I help him. I do know his full financial, because I do checkbook balance of his money. Read my post again in page 5, I said it clearly in there. I quote it in bracket again below:

[ All bills all financial stuff, monthly credit card bill, saving/checking bank statements; are all mail home to him in paper, he like and prefer to keep Paper Statements for everything.
He wants me to help balance his check book for him. And I help him as he request, I balance it and let him see it over afterwards.
When he use his credit cards bills receipts; I help check all transactions receipts, and make sure the amount payment is correct before he pay off the bill.
Same with his bank accounts transactions; when the saving/checking statements come home, he wants me to help him check it. He said he wants me to balance his check book. We have complete financial transparency.. He said I'm his wife, and he trust me. ]

I'm sorry but my husband make 80K a year have nothing to do with me. Because his money is in his Checking/Saving accounts at Chase bank is UNDER his name ONLY. I have NO access to it.
And it was ME that requested that I want it separate. He doesn't have much of a choice but let me have it my way, I make it very clear prior to we get married, I specificly said I do NOT want to joint bank account.

Now before you said I bully him. NOPE. I'm not.
Because who is the one benefits here from separate account? The person make 80K or the person make 20K?
I'm sure a 3 year olds can answer you that it is my husband that beneficial from it.

I refused to let him add my name on his account. I refused to joint account with him. Again, remember he make 4x more than me here, so who is the beneficial one? Sure it NOT me!

He cares for me he give me spending money, I'm grateful for that.. But I don't see why I need to joint account with him when I have my own source of income. I don't depend on him financially.
Remember, he make 4x more than me. He is the one that beneficial from me want to keep separate accounts.
And I'm willing to bet that he give me money is because he wants to make it up to me, it because he knows I don't want to joint bank account with him.

Anyways, this thread I don't come for advice on how I deal with financial with my husband. This is between me and him. Thank you.

---------------------------------------------------

Oh and Ms. jencam, I'm sorry what I mean is he wipes the water spots on the kitchen countertop.
I'm sorry English is my third language, so I didn't explain it clearly. What I mean is after I wash dishes there whole bunch of water spots on the kitchen countertop, and I just leave it there. He see it and he wipes he dry.

He doesn't wipes the water spots in the kitchen sink. He doesn't do that, lol
I cook and I wash dishes, it my job to wash the kitchen sink and keep it clean. What I mean by the water spots here is not in the sink. But it on the kitchen countertop.
It my fault actually, I should have wipes it. Having tons of water spots on the kitchen countertop after wash dishes is bad bad. I'm clumsy. I need to work on fix this habit of mine.

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And Yes, I demand a 50% house down-payment. But do you know who that condo/townhouse is for? Guess what, 200% sure it NOT for me. Again, please don't make assumption.
Read this thread link below of mine, it will answer you who he house is for. And why I'm pushing him to buy that house. There so much background you missing about my relationship with this guy.
So far in this thread ONLY 1 person have been follow my post since 2014 and understand me. That is Ms. Wmsn4Life.

firse time home buyer, buy home for elder mother. 1 question need answer please
Here read this thread, click on the link to read it. And you know if I'm thinking for myself or I'm thinking for him.
Surprise surprise, the house is NOT for me. NEVER once I said I want a house. Those who follow my posting threads here know this.

Sure, I must be thinking for myself when I clearly said it will be HIS name ONLY on the house deeds mortgage. And I'm willing to walk out empty handed if one day we part.
I remember last year Ms. Wmsn4Life give me advice and said how dumb I am. Because ALL I think about is protect his financial when I don't think about protect my financial rights as his 'wife'. It all about protecting his financial. That is why I REFUSED to joint his bank, I REFUSED to let him put my name on his bank account.

eta: And answer the question on page 10, what I'm looking for in this thread is what I asked in the OP post. I asked a very simple question. Is his cleaning habit normal considering how he was raised by his mom. That was all to it.

And I have nothing further to comment on how we deal with our financial. If I want to keep separate account from him to protect his 4x more income, then I will darn do that as I wish. If I refused to let him put my name on his account, then I will darn do that as I wish.
I didn't come to this thread ask for financial advice. Thank you anyways.

You live in a joint property state (California).


He can make a million dollars a year and you can make zero dollars a year (or you can make a million dollars a year and he never had a job during your entire marriage). In general, if you get a divorce half of all of the money & property & retirement savings & pensions earned during your marriage is yours and half is his. Half of that house is yours and half is his (no matter whose name is on the mortgage/deed). It does not matter if you have separate accounts or joint accounts. The only things that are separate are any money or property that you or he brought into the marriage or received by inheritance (and keep completely separate during the marriage). While I certainly hope that you don't ever get a divorce just because money is kept in separate accounts does not mean that it is not joint property. Perhaps, you already knew this but perhaps you did not.

[PJSaturn]

Another thread hopelessly derailed. Closed at OP's request.


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